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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask BIL to pay rent?

63 replies

trickorsweet · 27/10/2011 18:55

BIL has been staying with us since he and his wife split up 2 months ago. He didn't have anywhere to go and since we had the space we invited him to stay with us until he got himself back on his feet. Since we only thought he was going to be staying for a few weeks we didn't bother asking him for rent or help towards food.

Now he's been for 2 months and it doesn't look likely that he'll be leaving any time soon as he says he can't afford to rent and won't even look at any of the cheap properties I've printed out. I don't mind him staying, he's good with our DCs, helps with the housework and homework etc.

BUT (I'm getting to the point now I promise!) he eats like a horse, seems to wash his clothes one item at a time, uses electric like it's going out of fashion. He'll turn on his computer, games console, light, electric heater and then come downstairs without turning it all off and sit and watch TV. It was DD's birthday yesterday and I left some cake for her to take into school for classmates and he ate it so I now will have to go and buy another one.

He gets paid around £200 a week. A certain amount of that goes to his ex and their DS, petrol, lunches at work, a day out for his DS once a week. He has said that after all that he only has £100 left.

I told him recently that if he's going to be staying then he'll need to start paying his way. He argues that he has no money. Surely he can even spare £30 a week? He says no, that money's "all he has to live on" YET he doesn't have to buy food, washing powder etc so he just spends it all on pizzas, going down the pub, new clothes.

DH says to just leave him, we can afford it, he's upset after the split but why should he get to live here rent-free? I want to just march up to him and tell him that he'll pay a small amount of rent (I mean, I'm not asking him to cough up £50!) but DH says IABU.

Am I?

OP posts:
DialMforMummy · 27/10/2011 20:20

YANBU. BIL should fork out but as someone else said, if he says he can't afford to pay a bit for his maintenance, how is he planning to look after himself in the future?

SansaLannister · 27/10/2011 20:23

YANBU!

FFS! This guy is a free-loading sponge. No wonder his wife dumped him, who needs another child?

Put your foot down, it's your house, too.

I'd have been raging about that cake and got money out of his wallet to pay for it. What a knob since he knew it was for his niece.

DH has a layabout, free-loading sponge of a brother and he won't even have him to visit overnight because the way he mooches around annoys DH to no end.

mich54321 · 27/10/2011 23:13

He should be paying at least £20 a week towards utility bills and buying all his own food. It is not your responsibility to support him - he has £400 per month for "spends" - he should "spend" some on making sure you're not out of pocket before he buys new clothes/pizza/beer. Also, how is he ever going to save for a deposit to live somewhere else/pay his bills ? I am worried for you OP - can see this guy still with you in 12 months +

kelly2000 · 27/10/2011 23:36

What does hew spend his £100 on then? A lot of people do not have £100 a week left over after all their food,rent etc. Besides unless he is going to get a new job is he planning on staying at yours forever. Also if you are doing the food shopping do not by extra snacks and things, and plate up everyones dinners so he cannot take it all. And if anything is for someone else, like the cake, wrap it up and label it for them so he cannot just accidently take it.

Also casually ask for the money for the cake. Then ask him for a contribution, if he says he cannot afford it, say neither can you.

Inertia · 27/10/2011 23:50

YANBU. I'd be bloody furious about the cake. He ate his niece's cake that everybody had been asked to leave!

He is taking the piss big time.

You are doing him an enormous favour- surely most people in the position of being helped out would insist on making a contribution to costs? I'm astounded he had the nerve to refuse to contribute even when you asked!

I'd be asking DH what he intended to go without in order to continue to subsidise his brother- get rid of Sky/ no nights out/ beans on toast for tea every day?

kelly2000 · 27/10/2011 23:54

I assume he is taking turns doing the cooking and chores etc.

Soups · 28/10/2011 00:06

Is there anyway you can turn it around on him? Say thanks for helping with the kids homework. Then you don't have huge amounts of spare cash, the price of food, electricity, has risen, actually things are pretty tight with 2 adults and 2 kids. How much does he feel he can contribute? If he argues back then is there an argument that you don't have money to spend on pubs and pizza? Really how much is only one pint these days? and he has nothing to spare.

brightspark2 · 28/10/2011 00:13

My lodger moved in to help out, rent-free so as not to be subletting and to help him out for similar reasons. I charged £10 pw and keeping the floors nice - the heavy housework, as I have arthritis. When I paid for his food and cooked he washed up every day.

I ended up buying his tobacco when he failed to sign on, buying carrying and cooking his dinner, doing a 60hr pw job and my ironing, while he laid in bed or sat on the sofa, I did this for 16 months and when I had a major op last week he chioked me when he refused to do the heavy stuff or check on me when I cannot bend lift stretch or carry for three months.

He ended up costing me about £60pw, attacking me for calling him lazy and insulting me every other day.

Parasites are exopensived pets, work out the cost of an extra adult (mine was £60 inc food and tobacco, no luxuries other than that) in a 2 bed flat with tumble drier microwave and inlimited broadband. I ended up turning off the net at night and the electric whenever I went to bed to teach him that goodwill costs as much as bill bills!

Insist on at least the going rate/expenses or kick him out with a list of hostels - he has a sweet deal and is abusing his position as brother to your husband. You should not be out of pocket, costs are costs at he end of the day. His luxury money is the £25 or so he has left over AFTER PAYING HIS WAY like any other real man or he will never leave and never cope on his own - he is taking advantage and has no reason to move out and live independently and he is not a child. Wonder why his wife kicked him out?!!

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 08:46

'I assume he is taking turns doing the cooking and chores etc.'

I have a feeling he's doing the square root of FA.

The moral of this story is: never take in a lodger unless it's one with a contract.

Adversecamber · 28/10/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 08:48

£50/week still gives him another £50 to blow. That's plenty! And I'd give him a deadline to get out anyway.

TooEasilyTempted · 28/10/2011 08:57

Never mind a deadline of December, I'd be telling him that with immediate effect he will have to pay £X per week towards the household. Gobsmacked that he actually argued with you about how much spare income he has 'left over' when you've broached the subject before!!

He sounds like a freeloading parasite. Its YOUR house. Tell him to pay up or fuck off and find somewhere else to live.

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 09:11

I'm not at all surprised his wife split with him. He's a freeloader.

Foxydoxy · 28/10/2011 09:28

This isn't your husband's decision to make. There are two of you at the head of this household, you have a say as well.
This man has moved into your house and reverted to child-state. Taking and eating something he had been specifically asked not to is completely out of order and you should have created merry hell so that he doesn't do it again.

This won't be a temporary arrangement because he's got it made, all of his expenses paid, £100 per week spending money, and he can basically do whatever he wants. Do you have £100 per week spending money? If not, maybe your husband should be asked to provide that as he obviously thinks his brother's recreational needs come above yours.
Write down some ground rules, work out a realistic cost of him living with you, then sit your husband down and give him a good talking to. (Show him this thread?). I wouldn't be charging him £25 per week, he's a bloody adult who should be out on his own two feet, £80 would be more realistic. I don't care if he is "upset", he's not a child and I've yet to see a situation where being emotional stops someone dipping into their wallet.

DamselInDisarray · 28/10/2011 09:40

If he won't pay, you'll have to stop allowing him to eat your food and use your utilities to wash his clothes, cook his own food (which he'll have to buy himself), watch tv, play video games, browse the Internet, etc, etc. why shouldn't he pay for any of that stuff.

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 09:42

Show this thread to your husband. It's completely unacceptable of him to allow his brother to come into the home and take the piss.

clam · 28/10/2011 09:42

What adult in this world expects to live anywhere for free? What planet is he on?

Oh, and what foxy said. It's not your husband's call. Surely you have an equal say? In fact, you have more say as I'm guessing you're the one who's being more inconvenienced by him.

Foxydoxy · 28/10/2011 09:42

You know what, your BIL is a lazy, sponging git. Your husband is being gullible and is prepared to subsidise his brother even though it means taking money away from his own family. Both of these men need a kick up the arse.

PopcornMouse · 28/10/2011 09:56

YANBU - and if you don't start charging rent, he'll never move out - why would he?!?! :o

Eglu · 28/10/2011 10:03

YANBU at all. £100 a week is a lot of money to have left for spending entirely on yourself. He is being very ungrateful. He needs to pay or go.

Maybe show your DH this thread.

Inertia · 28/10/2011 10:28

You could start announcing a weekly round up of things the family has gone without in order to pay for BIL.

  • DC and DH, this week we cannot afford your half term cinema trip as we are paying extra electricity bills due to heaters and TVs being left on in empty rooms.
  • no Sunday dinner this week due to increased food costs which BIL refuses to contribute to. So we are all having beans on toast and then later we can all stare longingly at the pizza BIL has ordered for himself.

If course I don't think it would actually help to do this. But the net result is the same - you and DH allowing BIL to act like a stroppy teenager means that your children go without.

DamselInDisarray · 28/10/2011 10:41

You could try presenting your BIL with a bill after each meal. Remember to factor in the costs of electricity/gas and service alongside the food. If he's going to treat your house like a restaurant/hotel, you should start billing accordingly. Grin

SansaLannister · 28/10/2011 11:13

You really need to show your DH this thread, because they are both being U.

Theala · 28/10/2011 11:28

He ate his niece's cake, knowing full well it was for her friends? Shock I would have kicked him out on his arse for that alone.

He's not a good guy, OP, he's a wanker. Tell him £50 a week for food and rent or he can fuck the fuck off. The wanker.

Theala · 28/10/2011 11:35

Sorry, that was a bit Sweary Mary of me. I can't believe that he thinks it's ok to treat people like this though.