to ask BIL to pay rent?

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BIL has been staying with us since he and his wife split up 2 months ago. He didn't have anywhere to go and since we had the space we invited him to stay with us until he got himself back on his feet. Since we only thought he was going to be staying for a few weeks we didn't bother asking him for rent or help towards food.

Now he's been for 2 months and it doesn't look likely that he'll be leaving any time soon as he says he can't afford to rent and won't even look at any of the cheap properties I've printed out. I don't mind him staying, he's good with our DCs, helps with the housework and homework etc.

BUT (I'm getting to the point now I promise!) he eats like a horse, seems to wash his clothes one item at a time, uses electric like it's going out of fashion. He'll turn on his computer, games console, light, electric heater and then come downstairs without turning it all off and sit and watch TV. It was DD's birthday yesterday and I left some cake for her to take into school for classmates and he ate it so I now will have to go and buy another one.

He gets paid around £200 a week. A certain amount of that goes to his ex and their DS, petrol, lunches at work, a day out for his DS once a week. He has said that after all that he only has £100 left.

I told him recently that if he's going to be staying then he'll need to start paying his way. He argues that he has no money. Surely he can even spare £30 a week? He says no, that money's "all he has to live on" YET he doesn't have to buy food, washing powder etc so he just spends it all on pizzas, going down the pub, new clothes.

DH says to just leave him, we can afford it, he's upset after the split but why should he get to live here rent-free? I want to just march up to him and tell him that he'll pay a small amount of rent (I mean, I'm not asking him to cough up £50!) but DH says IABU.

Am I?

He needs to pay!

A friend of mine was temporarily homeless when her house was flooded. She stayed with us for 3 months. Her contribution to the household was helping with chores, occasional babysitting, making me a cup of coffee every morning while she emptied the dishwasher (gosh I miss her) and £100 a week.

The £100 was paid by her insurance company and they are notoriously tight fisted. So if they thought this was an acceptable amount then so should your BIL. Although it did include an allowance for me driving her about as necessary.

I think charging him £30 a week for bed and board is an absolute bargain, which he certainly wouldn't get anywhere else.

YANBU.

My brother lodged with us. He's 7 years younger, he'd graduated and we lived 10 mins from his job and my parents an hour away. With the cost in fuel, it made sense for him to live with us. We were not married, and did not have children at the time.

I quite liked having him stay as he's tidy and lovely. It was for about 6 months, when he moved out to live with girlfriends (somewhere between their two jobs).

He paid us £180 a month in rent, and tended to go to my parents or girlfriends parents at weekends (so was with us Monday to Thursday night - 4 nights).

We bought separate food, although if we were having tea at the same time, we pooled our food and ate together. My brother only tended to do a small shop on his way home from work on a Monday. Apart from the food he'd bought for his lunch, it all tended to blur between what was ours and his.

Me and DH had an ensuite bathroom, so no shared bathroom issues.

Brother had a TV in his bedroom, so he could watch something different to us, and it was often a case that my brother, DH and/or myself were out, so we were not around each other too much. My brother was also super keen at his job, and tended to work long hours (he didnt get home till about 7 pm at night, so we often cooked for him). Occasionally he'd cook for us though.

I liked having him round, DH on the other hand, said although he didn't mind it, and appreciated the extra money, but was glad to have the house to ourselves again.

You need to work out what he can afford. My brother's graduate job was 24k, so £180 was not unreasonable.

It is amazing that anyone would think it was OK to freeload on others like this.

When DH was a student, one of his flatmate's friends was homeless. His business was doing badly, and rather than giving up on it, he'd decided to stop paying rent on a flat. He started sleeping on their couch (meaning that they couldn't have full use of their living room or kitchen) and contributing nothing. After a few weeks, they decided to ask him for a small amount of rent and he went absolutely mental about it. I don't think they were sad to see the back of him. Yes, his situation was unfortunate but that doesnt make it anyone else's responsibility to house and feed him.

I'd charge him £50 a week

Why not sit down and say

"Why do you think we should pay for all your food? Pay for the electric you use? The water you use? the gas you use? The phone calls you make? Tell me why you feel that we should do all that and that we should continue to do it for as long as you decide we should do it, because I am struggling to understand"

See what he says to that.

Sorry. Should have added that it is flipping it round. Instead of him coming back with I can't give you anything, he has to explain why he should contribute nothing, when he has £100 a week to spend on pizza and beer.

I think that will be hard for him to do.

I also think you should say "I feel resentful that you think it is ok to have us support you financially for as long as you choose and I worry that it is going to ruin our relationship."

What does he spend his money on?

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like he's a 'really good guy' at all. He sounds like a freeloader with a hide like a rhino.

I really, really disagree with your DH when he says 'leave it, it's fine' - I can promise you that it won't be fine for much longer. This guy is COSTING YOU MONEY, knows that, and has no problem with it. He's selfish and taking advantage of you. The cake thing really shows that, doesn't it? What kind of ARSE does that, when there's other stuff there to eat? That's horrible.

The cake thing tells me all I need to know about how this will go. You will fall out with your BIL, because he is a selfish using arse and you will get so sick of him taking the piss that you will begin to thoroughly dislike this 'great guy'. Your DH will probably stick up for him against you for long enough for you to fall out with your DH. There will be an almighty row at some point.

That would be a shame, so tell your BIL that he needs to find somewhere to live. He can't afford it? Well he has to. He's an adult. Or rather, he really isn't, because he honestly thinks that because he has not much money, his brother and his brother's young family should PAY FOR HIM TO LIVE INSTEAD.

That's mad, isn't it?

YADNBU, he is taking the piss and he knows it, your DH knows this too but wants to avoid a row with his brother.

This means you have to be the 'bad guy' (in BIL's eyes), tell him straight, he is costing you more in food and utilities and he is expected to pay his way, if he refuses, he is out on his ear. In a situation like this it'd be my way or the high way, he should count his blessings he's had 2 months rent free so far!

Your BIL is behaving scandalously. The cake thing just proves that his heart is in the wrong place and he thinks he can do what he likes :(

I'd want rid of him even more than I'd want the money.

YANBU my dad moved in with my aunt when he and my mum split up. she lives alone, is 70 and on pension credit, he earns £500pw he gave her a grand total of 20 whole pounds a week she fed him did his washing and ironing had heating on etc. i found his behaviour disgraceful. she only has £120 to live on and was paying for his living costs too! plus my dad only eats fish and fish is bloody expensive its nearly £4 for haddock for one of his dinners!! plus the extra washing was ridiculous he wears two shirts a day and insists his towels are washed everyday bastard. no wonder my mum got fed up with him!

What a freeloader. Tell him he has to pay or get out by the end of say nexby next month or he will continue to take the piss

I would charge him 1/5 of all bills, including council tax and water, and I would empty out a cupboard and a section of the fridge for him to store his food in. I would set up a rota for cleaning and watching TV, use of the washing machine would be restricted to monday and thursday and the cooker to half an hour after 7.30. I'm a bit mean tho :o