to wonder how, if you have loads of money, you avoid 'spoiling' your children?

[ZombiesAteYourCervix]

I mean really loads, so you never have to even consider if you couldn't afford something. If you could afford to buy anything or go anywhere?

Say your child said 'Mummy, I want a pony' do you just get them a pony? and all the stuff that goes with it? and a stable and lessons and someone to brush it?

or child wants a new phone. Do you just get them whatever phone they want? Or a £15 PAYG one?

Or if they want to go skiing or to Iceland do you just take them?

How do you decide what they get and what they don't?

And do your children end up 'spoilt' because they want for nothing? or does it even out on it's own like if you don't deny them sweets seems to (they just have some sometimes, not loads all the time).

Or do they get greedy and just want more and more ponies for the sake of it.

And if you can afford to give them everything how do they learn to work for stuff, or does that not matter?

I have seen a lot of children handed everything on a platter. Like, it's pretty standard for a middle class teen in the US to be given a car while still at school. I think it's important to learn the value of things, and how to support yourself. It is down to personal values - I could "afford" pricey clothes and other luxuries but it's not my thing. When it comes to young children, I think less is more to stimulate imagination and resourcefulness.

We are not rich rich, but we could pretty much buy DS half the toys he asks for.
He has some pocket money and he can do jobs for more (ie 30p per job). He asks for things all the time and we just say 'no'.
A line I have used a lot is "There are so many things in the world to buy, that you have to learn how to decide what's worth having and what's not. Now, what do you really want to do jobs for?"

He is quite acquisitive - not because he gets loads and loads - but is just learning that this isn't a nice trait. I had it drummed into me from a very early age and always thought my parents were a) mean, b) unpleasant about it, and c) overly concerned with the moral rectitude of being frugal. So I try to strike a balance.

DH and I both earn very good salaries and both come from not well off backgrounds. DCs are at private school. so surrounded by children with parents who are probably on similar salaries and some much much wealthier (and of course some not so wealthy). We have relatives and friends outside school who are not at all wealthy. My experience is that the amount of "stuff" children have does not seem to be related at all to how much money their parents have (nor have I spotted the inverse correlation others have referred to). Holidays do, though, seem to be more directly related to wealth.

Particularly given our backgrounds, I am very concerned that my DC know the value of money, but I dont think that always means saying no. I see no harm in treating them from time to time outside birthdays and Christmas (not much point in earning so much otherwise) or in buying stuff of a better quality than I would buy if I had less money, but the DCs know that the minute a treat becomes an expectation or is not graciously received, the minute it will be taken back.

As they get older, there will be certain things that they will expected to buy for themselves from pocket money, and if they are careless with things I do not automatically repalce them just becuase I can.

Interestingly DD (8) has asked for her Christmas present for a voucher for us all to go for a weekend to Rome (she is learning about Romans at school). I cant decide if this is "spoilt" or not. It is nice of her to want to include us all in her present, but it is obviously expensive (although not sure she would fully appreciate that) and we do often go away for weekends anyway.

Apologies for the stealth boasting!

This is where it gets blurry!
'spoilt' vs 'advantaged'

I remember reading somewhere that tom hanks got his son a £500 old banger for his first car, even though he could afford tp buy him whatever car he wanted.
My friends parents are very well off and for his first car they said they would match whatever he managed to save for a car - when he had saved and picked a car they then turned round and said they would pay for it all and put his money into his savings - taught him the value of working and saving for something even though they were planning to pay for it all along.
We often buy the kids comics when we go to the supermarket if they have been good. We don't do it everytime so they know not to expect it even though in theory we could get them one everytime.

You make them sweep the chimneys in your huge house . . . obviously. :)

I grew up with relatively well off parents (for our little London suburb). We always had nice cars and I was one of the first in the class to have a video player and microwave at home.

My parents always made sure I knew the value of money. I had a set amount of pocket money and very few treats bought for me outside Xmas and birthdays. My birthday is 3 weeks after Xmas so if I got money, I would try to make it last all year rather than splurging it all in one go. I always had to write thank you letters. When I turned about 13 I had to "work" for my pocket money - making tea and doing some paperwork for my dad's business. I got no money other than what I earned. At university, my parents gave me an allowance which gave me around 10 quid a week for drinks and lunches once I had paid the bills and bought my weekly food shop (this was in the 90s). They opened a bank account for me when I was about 6 so I learned to manage my money.

My parents wanted a large family but after several miscarriages were told to stop trying and be happy with me. I think they were determined to make sure I was not spoiled because I was an only child. I think they made a pretty good job of it.

I know lots of very rich DC and most of them are not spoiled (with some notable exceptions).

They don't get the latest stuff just because their parents can afford it. Their parents just say no and that is that.
They are told they have to behave at school and do as they are told, and they do.
They are told they must be polite at the homes of others, and they are.

My own DC have no laptop, iphone, ipad, TV in their room, designer bags etc. Their allowance is small and they have to do certain chores even for that.

Yes they are very advantaged, but spolied? Over my dead body.

Simples.

Mmm. Well I'm rich. Really really rich. I don't worry about prices, but I also don't spoil my kids. They both want a pony, but they aren't getting one, because they aren't old enough to care for it and I'm not paying someone else to do it, their pony, their mucking out, their problem. They will also have to share a pony once they are old enough to look after it, and they have to prove to me that they really want one and are prepared to do it day in day out 365 before I'll give in and get them one. I'm a cow aren't I. They do have nice clothes, but I make sure they look after them. We have a cleaner, but they are expected to tidy up their mess. They write letters to Santa just like every other kid, and they will get maybe 6 or 8 toys on that list depending what they have pestered for most in the last 3 months. The only difference is that that I'm lucky that I can base those toys on what they want rather than what I can afford. Realistically the area where we live and the school they attend, we are much of a muchness with everyone else in terms of privilege, but if we were ever in a situation with others who weren't as well off, I wouldn't expect that they would notice really, as I don't put any emphasis on how much stuff costs, and they don't get everything they ask for.

I should also say that I think being spoiled is not always about money. Some DC are always given their own way and that to my mind is very spoiled.

DC need to know that they are part of a family and a community.

So they can't watch CBeebies at 10pm.
They can't play loud music on the beach.
They can't allow their dog to brak at strangers.

I think relatively few people who have lots of money have always had lots of money. We're reasonably well off (couldn't afford a pony, but we're still very lucky ) - but while I had a very comfortable, well off childhood I've also been that skint single parent, we've had a shedload of debt, we've experienced all that. I expect most comparatively rich people have experienced the same - there isn't much inherited wealth left, is there?

And for that reason, while I could easily afford to buy DS3 the XBox game he has to have NOW despite it being 2 months till Christmas, I won't. He'll have to wait. I don't want him to take anything for granted.

I don't see it as a problem, I wouldn't be inclined to spend it on them. I would stick to the things that really matter-spending time with them.

Someone mentioned weekends away. So if your lifestyle is (or was) to have a lot of breaks, and you are also the take-the-kids type of family, is it spoiling the kids to continue living life your way? I don't have this particular issue, but there are a couple of serious extravagances in my lifestyle which I wonder if children should be deploying / expecting.

We are comfortable and the DCs have everything they need. However the deal is that they work extremely hard at school and they behave well at home and when out and about.

They save up their birthday money from GPs and their allowance to make big purchases like fancy phones.

They can't work as we live in a country where as expats they are not allowed. DD1 would like to have a Saturday job and be a bit more independent but it isn't possible.

They don't get much at Christmas as they get various bits during the year as and when they are needed for school/activities.

I have just asked DD2 if she is spoiled and she said yes she is a bit. She then added that she is very grateful and she loves us very much .

If I won the lottery I think I would, my ds is 16 and most of his stuff has had to be saved for.
I mean, with that sort of money, I would spend, spend spend on myself and family and friends as well.
The chances on me ever being in that position are the odds on actually winning the lottery, but I can dream I suppose.

We aren't rich but we would be comfortable enough to give the dds most of what they ask for. We live in a lovely house in an affluent area. I am VERY careful not to spoil the dds though. They do get several presents at Christmas and for their birthdays, but seldom anything at any other time, unless essential.

Agree with the posts about attitude... dh and I regularly remind the girls of how lucky they are, that our domestic set-up is far different to many, many others, and to be grateful for what they get. even made dd1 watach 'Poor Kids' on iplayer a few months ago - she was shocked and still talks about it.

Manners are key and they are regularly complimented for their politeness and consideration of others. I hope it lasts into adulthood!

I agree that "spoilt" is in part about the attitude and expectations of the child. If the whole family revolves around their wishes and they think they have an entitlement to always have their needs put first then, in my view they are spoilt irrespective of the amount of material items they have.

We are comfortably off and could afford to buy the children what they ask for but we chose not to do it most of the time. When DS1 wanted a DSi I made him save up half the cost out of his pocket money (he earned a bit doing chores). I think he appreciates it and values it more because he has "ownership" of it. Family treats tend to be more of a surprise (although based on previous requests) than a direct reaction to something being asked for. e.g. DS1 asked to go to Disneyland Paris rather than arrange a specific trip we worked it into our family holiday the next year as we were driving through France anyway.

My children are still young enough that playing hide and seek or football in the park with us is more valuable to them than material items - long may that attitude continue.

I worry about this, we are by no means rich but quite comfortable and can afford what we want without saving, can go on holiday whenever etc. The kids have had so much already, all round the world, had a house with swimming pool maid, club membership, tennis lessons etc. We live quite down to earth now in that normal house, state school but I worry that they think it will always be easy and that this is normal for everyone. I really hope we are not spoiling them and so far they are lovely, well behaved kids. My husband is a lot more extravagant than me and would spend, spend, spend.

Our Troops are ridiculously spoiled on Birthdays and at Christmas. They also know how lucky they are as we have made pains to show them the situations in countries where the kids don't even get clean water. THey appreciate whatthey have.

I don't see why kids can't have stuff as well as morals.

I think it's all been said. We are very comfortable and probably could buy them pretty much anything they ask for. Yes, huge amounts of money are spent on school fees but they work exceptionally hard - DS has worked solidly for three days this week because he is going out at the weekend (lower 6th). We have all the trappings of middle class London life and with that comes the cheek by jowl life of different cultures and classes living little more than streets away. That makes for quite street wise children who are very aware of what goes on in the real world.

Yes, they do have things like Jack Wills and A&F (a little bit) and I love being able to give them the odd treat but they are always so pleased and hardly ever ask for anything - in fact I wish they would ask for more. They are both happy with H&M and have asked if we can go to the Isle of Wight on holiday next year because they have been with friends this year and thought it was the best holiday ever!

How often do you ever hear a parent say their child is a totally spoilt little brat...even if said child is a totally spoilt little brat?

You'd probably get a clearer idea if you asked the parents of the spoilt child's friends, they'll tell it like it is

Worra...I suspect in fact that parents who confidently claim their child is not a spoiled brat :)

As to how not to spoil them? Well, get them lots of rods.....

I think perhaps it is like bullyin, worraliberty.

I think you should be more wary of a parent who says 'my child would never do that' than a parent who says 'I talk to my child a lot about empathy and kindness and when I have seen any behaviour that even smacked of bullying I dealt with it seriously'

I am really aware of the possibility that a child can be bratty. My dc have behaved in a bratty way and have had massive bollockings that behaviour addressed. But I think every child can be self absorbed and bratty while they are small. It's how you deal with it isn't it?

That's very true Pagwatch

Perhaps I've biased cos I've seen the TV show 'Sweet 16'....where rich parents spend hundreds of thousands of pounds on a party for their kid.

I don't think I've ever looked at the child and thought 'Aww they're lovely, aren't they?'

It's probably biased editing but they're normally complete monsters and the parents can't see it.

that is a self selecting sample. Anyone who wants to give their child a show off, televised, wannabe reality star, wank fest of a party gets the child they deserve.