to wonder how, if you have loads of money, you avoid 'spoiling' your children?

[ZombiesAteYourCervix]

I mean really loads, so you never have to even consider if you couldn't afford something. If you could afford to buy anything or go anywhere?

Say your child said 'Mummy, I want a pony' do you just get them a pony? and all the stuff that goes with it? and a stable and lessons and someone to brush it?

or child wants a new phone. Do you just get them whatever phone they want? Or a £15 PAYG one?

Or if they want to go skiing or to Iceland do you just take them?

How do you decide what they get and what they don't?

And do your children end up 'spoilt' because they want for nothing? or does it even out on it's own like if you don't deny them sweets seems to (they just have some sometimes, not loads all the time).

Or do they get greedy and just want more and more ponies for the sake of it.

And if you can afford to give them everything how do they learn to work for stuff, or does that not matter?

I agree with moonshine. We do the skiing/nice holidays bit, though truthfully that's more for us than them. But we won't be able to support them when they are grown up and have told them that from infancy. We're funding a good education then they will need to stand on their own feet. They are perfectly content with this and speak rather scathingly of schoolfriends who get huge lists of the latest tat at Christmas. Letter from school for ski trip to Verbier £1,300. Absolutely ridiculous! DD2 agreed.

Ok, I am not a billionaire buy lucky enough not to have to worry about the cost of most things. I have a dd, only baby but I a, sure there will come a time wheshe will ask for things. I want her to realise presents are for special occasions, same for treats. Birthdays and Christmas are not times of just mega presents and commercial fun but also family time, baking, singing carols, spending time with friends. I will definitely say no, and avoid buying her too many things.

She will however have a fabulous wardrobe!

We have a large income, but large outgoings- mainly school fees and holidays.

I hope my DCs are not spoiled, its something I'm very aware of and try and avoid.

One has an expensive hobby, and the equipment has always been paid for by her. Courses are birthday presents, either from us or GPs at their suggestion.

Having more than one child definitely helps. They always had to share, even if it was in taking turns at having the pink Ikea cup. They also have a job- incredibly well paid dog walking, which I enable them to do with lifts and taking over when they can't do it. That means they have spending money they earn. Laptops/ i pods were either saved up for or Christmas presents.

Although we go skiing its always self drive and self catering and when we fly Business Class they know its on air miles- when we have to pay with real money its definitely economy all the way.

They have friends of very different backgrounds- several international jet set families (hello magazine types) as well as families on benefits. They are sensitive to the differences but not over aware I hope.

Over the years the younger 2 have come out with some real corkers which were a real wake up call that they were gettting spoiled- DD2 being shocked that you might have a Birthday Party at McDonald's, DS asking when the food was coming round on a train and moaning about our scruffy car.

The eldest is uncomfortable about attending a private school and very critical of bourgeois attitudes she spots around her. She's the only one who really mixed with children from much poorer backgrounds than her, as she attended a primary school in a rough area before we bailed.

This is something I would like to study in greater depth, so if there are any billionaires out there who would like to fund my social experiment.....

Hmmm - well mine will have ponies if they want them, but that's because I have horses anyway. They will have to do the mucking out, grooming and all the other hard work that goes with it though.

Same with ski-ing - they will go ski-ing because we go ski-ing. They won't get a choice on that one as that is what we do and they will have to fit in.

But in terms of wanting something outside of our normal lifestyle, they would have to prove why they wanted it and show some commitment to the thing. I wouldn't allow them to just have whatever thing they had a phase for at that time.

They will also have to work to earn money from an early age and save for things they want such as toy or mobile phones. Birthdays and Christmases will not be extravagant as I don't really believe in that. I hope to teach them to budget and to understand the value of things as opposed to the cost. I won't be giving in and buying things they had agreed to save up for. I really hope not to spoil them.

I have noticed that there seems to be some sort of inverse correlation between the amount of money people have and the amount they spend on children at Christmas and Birthdays, with those who have the least seeming to spend the most.

I agree with others on here.

Spoiling has very little to do with money.

It is to do with giving them their way over everything and giving them a sense of entitlement.

The most spoilt children I know are growing into horrible teenagers because their parents never say no and ask nothing of t hem in terms of manners, gratitude or consideration. They have very little money.

I think it's totally understandable that generally poorer people will spend more at Christmas and Birthdays.

For very poor children, this will probably be the only time they get any money spent on them apart from food and basic expenses.

Children of wealthy parents are much more likely to receive a lot more, dressed hopefully up in the 'need' category. e.g. Lucy NEEDS a new winter coat every year, she has a pony so she NEEDS all of the kit, she NEEDS a brand new violin to learn at school and so on.

These things may not be couched as 'gifts' but the comfort and reassurance of knowing that all of your needs, and most of your whims, are met would surely make Christmas gift-receiving less necessary and vital.

Now see, my little boy thinks we are very poor compared with his friend because he has a DS and an XBox.

I remember coming home from school and telling my parents that a friends parents were very, very rich indeed.

When they asked why I thought that, I informed them that this friend not only had SpeaknMaths but SpeaknSpell as well. The luxury!!

Definately attitude.

I knew a lot of kids from wealthy families at school, and some were very aware of how lucky they were (not in a beat you with a stick if you're not grateful way - it was just something they were honestly understanding and happy about) and didn't take the pee, I also knew kids who would throw their phone down the stairs to break it if they wanted a new one.

So not about how much money you have!

I agree with SlackSally as well, what you interpret your child as 'needing' can vary hugely. DD got a bed for her birthday from us, and that's it because we couldn't afford anything else. If we had more money, I would have just bought the bed when I felt she was at the right stage and bought her something else for her birthday.

I think a lot of better off parents are very conscious not to overindulge.

I also think the amount some people spend at Xmas etc is in inverse proportion to what they earn.

I do think too, that people with money sometimes give less of a shit about what other people think so are quite happy to have kids in second hand and wellies and with old phones/no phones. They have nothing to try and prove to anyone.

I think spoiling is less about what they get and more how they get it. So if they just make random demands, never have to be nice, get everything they want then yes. But if they have to behave nicely, stick with what they choose, treat the pony properly then no.

My sis is much richer than me. Her kids have different standards about what they could reasonably ask for but they are no more spoilt than mine, I think. Except my sis is not as mean about jobs as me so I think they get away lightly on the hard labour front, perhaps cos she can afford a cleaner.

I would agree it's about attitude, not money.

I've known families with very little cash to spare but the children are spoilt. They get into debt to get their children the latest stuff and they nag for more.

We're reasonably comfortable I think but our children are far from spoilt. We must be doing something right as they don't nag for stuff. They have the usual toys/books/bikes etc but we don't just buy stuff whenever. Big presents are for birthdays/Xmas and anything else has to be saved for with pocket money (£5/month).

It's about making children who are born into and grow up with wealth appreciate and value what they have. Instead of just allowing them unlimited access to everything their heart desires, the parents should show them how to budget , give an allowance, encourage them to model values the parents hold (if any) and show them that having mummy and daddy's money doesn't mean they can have an easy life doing nothing.

It's about appreciation and an understanding of gaining money in your own right instead of it being handed on a solid silver platter.

'Spoiling' isn't necessarily about buying them the things they want, it's also giving them the impression they can use money to get them anywhere, anything and anyone. And not lifting a finger in the process.

Not spoiling children - it can be done.

What Pag and Seeker said.

Material indulgence doesn't necessarily have to lead to children being spoiled. I grew up in a home where whilst I knew I was loved, I didn't get much materially-well, things got better when I was around 14-15 and my mother got a job and I got my own part time work. It was still nowhere near what my peers had, and to be honest, I did sometimes feel resentment towards my parents-it rankled.

I was therefore quite indulgent with my DTS's (now aged 23)but not in an indiscriminant way. Although I can be of the "just because" persuasion. I would say I expected them to be appreciative and not grasping or demanding. I wanted them to have the opportunities and experiences I didn't (holidays, hobbies supported, sometimes being the "first" to have the latest fashion/toy....to feel that they fitted in with their peers).

I now have a DD aged 10 months. I will similarly support her interests and enjoy treating her, whilst instilling decent values, so that she knows she won't always get what she wants all of the time, that things need to be looked after, that relationships aren't all about "what you can get" etc.

I think you just have to stay grounded. I mean, I force my kids to share one helicopter. They bitch about it, but I just say "talk to the diamond adorned hand, cos the surgically enhanced face ain't listening"

I think it must be a little bit harder not to spoil children if you easily can. This occurred to me when I stayed in Canada, where the standard of living seems to be higher in general (I guess because housing is relatively cheap?) so people in ordinary jobs have a lot of disposable income - it seemed to me their dc had a lot of 'stuff'.

It is to do with parenting style and values, of course, but I think in general people I know who are better off than us have more material possessions (big DVD and game collections, tonnes of Lego, trampoline and other play equipment in the garden etc) and those worse off have less, but not always. I have a couple of friends who have modest incomes but spend a lot more on their dc than we do, although we might spend more on holidays, for example.

By the way, Alan Sugar may have made his sons work, but I have seen the mini replica sports car he has bought for his grandson!

I agree spoiling is not about money - I actually think of 'spoiled' children as ones who are never disciplined and allowed to behave however they like, though maybe it's the wrong word for that.

And yes about attitudes as well, teaching that there are important things in life other than money and possessions. And also that not everyone in the world is so privileged in material terms, and that that doesn't make them inferior people.

I don't consider myself to have loads of money, but I could do those things you mentioned in your OP if I wanted to.

I don't spend a massive amount on their gifts for either christmas or birthay (usually 2 digits worth, this year it might just get to over £100) but they are young so my guess is it will start to go up a little.

They don't always get what they ask for, they have to do chores and my eldest who is six gets 1.20 pocket money per week (20p for every year of life which will be reviewed as he gets older).

He ripped his new pajamas I bought him recently (they were £12.00 in Morrisons since he liked the design, they were cheap and he needed some for winter) and just kept ripping at them till the hole was a massive tear.

Guess who is NOT getting another pair or pajamas any time soon and who sat at the dining table for an hour this morning repairing them.

They get days out and treats like lots of children but I always remind them that this is a special treat and when they start sulking or expecting stuff from me, it will stop swiftly.

It seems to work.

We are comfortably off, but My dcs do not get as much as some of their other friends. I am a great believer in the word no, and am deaf to cries of "everybody has one".

Ds has saved for 9 months to buy an Xbox as I refused. Dd got a Jack Wills hoody as her 15th birthday present, not as a random purchase.

We don't have an extended family, and at Xmas only get presents from 2 other people apart from us, so have never had mountains of stuff.

Tbh, I find it hard to go and spend money sometimes, as I came from a poor family. I could go out tomorrow and spend £1000 on myself, and dh would be happy. But I can't.
We had the lounge decorated in the summer, and I am slowly buying things each month eg sofas, rugs etc...I can't go and get it in one fell swoop. Something inside me says it's wrong.

No expensive holidays, no skiing or long haul trips.

Lieins - i saw that mini car too but he did say its for his 'grandchildren' to use when they come. It was at his florida home and was apparently shared use. And i do think the 'spoiling' issue is different from a grandparent perspective.

To me a spoiled child is one round whom the family revolves. Regardless of material possessions.

IME people with lots of money are generally very good at looking after it!!

Hmm. Nobody's going to come on here and say their children are spoilt. I'm not sure I like or agree with the implication in some posts that spoiling children is a class issue (the council estate thing).

Very difficult question. A child who is given anything they want is in a position to be perceived as 'spoilt'. Indeed, around me, a child who went ski-ing every year, had ponies and a villa in France may fall into that category.

However, it is surely the manifestation of 'spoiledness' (e.g. inability to share, tantrums when they don't get their own way) that labels the child, not their material possessions?