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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a better standard of life for my son?

68 replies

ahmnunbarn · 27/10/2011 02:24

Lurker and first-time poster here. [wave]

I have a bit of a dilemma, and thought posting here would open my mind up to some logical (rather than just reactive) thinking.

DS is 20 and has decided to train to become a mechanic. He has decided he doesn't want to go to uni, and that his vocation is fixing cars. I have tried to explain to him that this is a (very) poor choice in terms of earning potential, and I don't think he really "gets" it as we have always been financially comfortable. I don't want to cause a rift, and we have already had a few arguments about this. The thing that upsets me most is that he is very bright - he was tested as a child and scored high enough to get into mensa, so I just feel he is wasting his potential. I don't want to see him struggle with money, and feel that this is the path he is starting down. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tortoiseinadarkspell · 27/10/2011 02:31

What would you prefer he do? A university degree which leads to a traditionally high earning career (lawyer, doctor)? Is the high earning thing your main concern? How would you feel about a vocational job that does earn well, like some trades do? I mean obviously university is not a direct route to the big money, if it ever was, so which is your priority?

Also - forgive my ignorance, I'm not in England - is 20 a usual time to be finishing school now, or has he had a year or two off?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/10/2011 02:32

Yes, sorry, YABU. He's 20, he's a grown man (my own are 24 and 21) and he knows what he wants to do. Which is more than some young folk (and indeed, not so young folk!) do.

I wouldn't be so sure it's a bad choice financially; I use a brilliant local independent mechanic for all of our family cars and he sure ain't skint. (You have to book in a week or two in advance!) If your DS is good at what he chooses to do (and he probably will be if he's that smart) he'll do well anyway.

Time to cut the apron strings.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 27/10/2011 02:37

YABU yes - why push him into something he doesn't want to do? Let him do what he wants to - he's only 20, he can still go to Uni later if he wants. My DH left school at 15 and went into engineering - he'd had enough of school! His parents didn't want him to, didn't want him to work in such an industry but let him have his choice. 10 years later he decided he wanted to make more of himself so went to Uni as a mature student and did a Bachelor of Business degree (Australian). He now has a very good background in both engineering and business and a good job combining both skillsets; plus he is able to talk to all levels of employee without difficulty on either side because he's been there.

I was talking to a lady today telling me about a friend of hers - he wanted to be a nurse but his parents thought it was a cissy profession for a man so pushed him into being a motor mechanic (oh the irony) - he did it, decided he didn't like it after a while so went back to college, trained as a nurse, graduated top of his year and was offered a place in med school - he is now a doctor.

Let him do what he wants to do - you push him into something else, he will resent you for it. He has time to change career later if he wants to.

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 02:43

Dear God. I have a good degree. My partner has a better one. Both from "Russell Group" universities - I never knew about them 'til I started on mumsnet! My degree is English and Spanish, my partner's is Economics.

We are both primary school teachers.

My partner's brother is a plumber, and earns in excess of £90,000 per year, and owns three flats he lets out. He is 28.

Wrong brother, much??

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 02:45

Thankfully, my son is looking like he thinks an interest in plumbing rather than conjugating verbs, is the way forward... Grin

Morloth · 27/10/2011 03:11

My mechanic (well the owner of the place) drives a Ferrari, so it can be too badly paid.

mynewpassion · 27/10/2011 03:35

If he doesn't want to go to school, don't push him. University education is going to cost money and if he isn't serious about it, its a waste of time and money. As others stated, he might well go back to it later.

Also, mechanics are well-paid. In my experience, 2/3 of a mechanic's bill tends to be for labor. You never know, he might develop a better and more fuel efficient car in his garage one day and sell it to one of the big car companies.

mycatoscar · 27/10/2011 06:00

YABU, mechanics are not badly paid, and if he is as bright as you say there is no reason why he cant be a very successful business man - doing something he has a natural love for and earning money at the same time, actually sounds like a recipe for success to me.

Support him in the mechanics and suggest he does an evening class in book keeping/accounts, so he can start up his own business.

FearfulYank · 27/10/2011 06:04

YABU. The trades are important and if it's what he wants to do, so be it.

Good for him!

Fuzzled · 27/10/2011 06:20

I have a degree, a joint honours one in Politics and International Relations.

I have never used it. Ever.

I work for a local company doing accounts and admin, and it's not brilliantly paid, but I love my job and they appear to like me Smile

My DH has a degree too in IT, a job in this field and while he doesn't hate his job, he isn't the most enthusiastic of employees; there is no way we can change his job as he is the main breadwinner, much as I would love him to find a career he was more happy in. Sad

A degree isn't everything, it has only been recently that it was seen as such, and I suspect that as the world moves on, experience and training will become more important again.

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 27/10/2011 06:21

Of course YABU! and you know it!

You are not embarrassed by what your friends and other family might say are you?

"this is little jimmy, he is not a doctor as we hoped when he joined mensa as a young child. he is a mechanic such a waste. Oh I know, I know all that money just thrown away ...what? can he take a look at your car? oh i will be sure to ask him but he is a bit busy as ALL my other friends are giving him work too"

there is so much work for an excellent mechanic out there, and mechanics make our cars safe to drive, that is not a skillless job.

you my dear are a bit of a snob.

beararse · 27/10/2011 06:26

YABVVVU.

He's a man, not a little boy. If he's that bright then you need to trust him to make his own decisions. Fair enough, point out things he may not have thought about, but for most people a university degree is a guarantee of one thing only - debt. If fixing cars is what he enjoys and cares about then he'll be much more successful than if he wastes years of his life studying for a pointless degree. In the current climate he'd roll out of uni at the other end of the course and have to compete with thousands of other similarly qualified people for a handful of dead-end jobs.

I think you should be supporting him now he's made his choice, and if you can't manage that then keep your mouth shut.

troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 06:44

I'm in the 'let him be what he wants to be ' camp.

BUT (Always a but with me!)

Education is important. Later he may regret not going to uni.

As my dear wise old dad used to say "there's a word of difference in wanting to be a petrol pump attendant and having to be one"

izzywhizzysfritenite · 27/10/2011 06:51

YABVVVU with bells on.

An older member of my social circle left school at 15 and became an engineering apprentice. Having completed his apprenticeship, he secured a job on a car production line - a form of employment that you would no doubt term 'working in a factory'.

While working full time, he studied part-time at an evening university and, after some 4-5 years, was awarded a degree*.

He subsequently became a 'captain of industry' and was knighted by Her Majesty some many years ago - he was a 'Sir' when I first met him.

In any event as we is that perchance a royal 'we'? have always been financially comfortable presumably the ds has no need to worry unduly about his future earning potential as no doubt 'we' will leave him a substantial inheritance when 'we' pop our clogs.

*as I have no wish to out myself, or be outed, I have deliberately avoided giving specific information that could reveal his identity but I can categorically state that 'he' is not the odious knight who fronts a current tv reality show.

SardineJam · 27/10/2011 06:56

What's wrong with being a mechanic - it is certainly a "needed" job, in that as long as people keep buying cars, they will always be a mechanic

Are you worried about the earnings he'll get as an apprentice? That will only be for a few years and then he certainly will have great earning potential

YABU

SardineJam · 27/10/2011 06:58

*need a mechanic, not be a mechanic

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 27/10/2011 07:04

He's 20, it's not up to you what he chooses to do with his life. You have to let go, OP, it's your son's life, let him live it.

Andrewofgg · 27/10/2011 07:25

Cut the strings. That's the right advice. And you know it!

shesparkles · 27/10/2011 07:34

YABU, he's 20 and clearly knows his own mind

FWIW I'd be delighted if either of my 2 wanted to "get a trade" rather than go down the going to uni for the sake of it route.
Have you any idea how bad graduate unemployment is?

Hairdressers and undertakers are the way forward! Grin

Solo2 · 27/10/2011 07:38

Isn't it more a question of what you do with the employment you choose rather than just about the standard hourly pay of various jobs/ professions? As others have said/implied, you can end up earning huge amounts from starting out as an apprentice in a trade and if you eventually set up your own business, you may well be much in demand if you have the skills and intelligence to manage customer relations, do good quality work, do your business accounts etc etc. I'd rather pay a bit more to employ good quality mechanics/plumbers/electricians etc etc and oneday your son might own and run several businesses because he learned, from the shop floor, how to manage it well.

Or...he might graduate with a degree and no idea of how to use it and no job to go to even if he knows how he might want to use it. If he decided to go to uni later, funding it himself from his paid work, he may well be far more motivated and also have a better idea of how he can use a qualification.

If he goes to uni now when he doesn't really want to, when he may be fed up with academic learning, he may simply use his time there to drink/party and miss lectures etc etc. If he's self-motivated later on, he could still go to Uni but have money and a trade already behind him.

On the other hand, if he finds that life as a mechanic isn't what he'd hoped for and that he can't 'make anything of it', again that could give him the inner motivation to do something about it rather than feeling compelled to go to Uni by his parents, without any personal motivation behind this.

Bossybritches22 · 27/10/2011 07:48

Thing is about the education system today is you can do a degree at anytime in your life, so if he leaves it a while then at least he'll be doing it if & when he wants to not just to please you!

My mum always said we could be streetsweepers as long as we were happy & the best streetsweeper ever! If he finds something he can be happy & excel in, then as a mum surely that's all that matters? He'll get a good trade that will always be needed & probably be very nicely off thank you,money wise.

Just think free MOT's & services for life if you don't piss him off too much!

LingDiLong · 27/10/2011 07:52

This is a thread about a thread isn't it?! Good point, well made. I don't think the OP of the genius 2 year old thread will take heed though sadly.

MrsCog · 27/10/2011 07:54

YABU - and failing to see the potential, it's not just about being a mechanic and working for someone else - if he's good he could have his own business, which could then expand loads. I wish I had a skill I could sell rather than my 'soft skill' abilities - there are a lot of people like me.

Bonsoir · 27/10/2011 08:00

There is no future at all in being a generalist car mechanic: your son needs to train with and be employed by a well-known car brand as only then will he receive the training in electronics that it is vital to be skilled in for mending cars, now and even more so in the future.

callmemrs · 27/10/2011 08:01

Pavlov is spot on.

This is about your aspirations isn't it?

I've seen similar before, mothers practically writing their almost-adult child's university application, trying to engineer what course they'll do, where they'll go and what profession they'll enter.

And it isn't pretty. At best, the young person will ignore the interference but nevertheless it affects the parent child' relationship.

At worst, its very ugly. I've known young people hang on into their second or even final year of uni and then practically have a breakdown because they're just on the wrong course, doing something their heart isn't in. Or they drop out and feel they've wasted years and lots of money.

I wonder whether you are fulfilled in your own career op? I ask, because most of the mothers I know like this either dont work or are significantly 'underemployed' - they're quite capable women but are frustrated at not having achieved their own potential and end up living through their childrens achievements.

I would suggest making sure your own house is in order and then leaving your adult son to his.