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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a better standard of life for my son?

68 replies

ahmnunbarn · 27/10/2011 02:24

Lurker and first-time poster here. [wave]

I have a bit of a dilemma, and thought posting here would open my mind up to some logical (rather than just reactive) thinking.

DS is 20 and has decided to train to become a mechanic. He has decided he doesn't want to go to uni, and that his vocation is fixing cars. I have tried to explain to him that this is a (very) poor choice in terms of earning potential, and I don't think he really "gets" it as we have always been financially comfortable. I don't want to cause a rift, and we have already had a few arguments about this. The thing that upsets me most is that he is very bright - he was tested as a child and scored high enough to get into mensa, so I just feel he is wasting his potential. I don't want to see him struggle with money, and feel that this is the path he is starting down. AIBU?

OP posts:

GlendaGoose · 28/10/2011 20:45

Mog please tell me your son's name is Brian

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 28/10/2011 20:45

cote, who is to say he wont go and get one? everyone starts somewhere, a background in mechanics would surely help if that is what he decided he wanted to do.

but hey, snigger up your sleeve if it makes you feel good.

confusedpixie · 28/10/2011 20:52

OP, you say he's bright, leave him to make the bloody decisions, he's 20 not 3.

If he wants to do uni he can go later. You should be supporting his decisions and discussing them with him on an adult basis, making suggestions for courses if you feel you have too but otherwise leaving him to it.

YABU

CoteDAzur · 28/10/2011 20:58

No better time than the present to do a university course in engineering if he likes cars so much. It won't get any easier when he has a wife, baby, and a mortgage.

No reason why he can't work as apprentice in a garage while doing his engineering studies at university, if he really can't wait to get his hands dirty.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 28/10/2011 21:03

But why does he need to do a university course in engineering if he wants to be a car mechanic?? They are quite different.

Glenda - no Brians!

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 28/10/2011 21:06

if he has a wife baby or a mortgage.

CoteDAzur · 28/10/2011 21:09

To increase his options. So that he can also design car engines, get a position in F1, etc.

Eglu · 28/10/2011 21:12

YABU. MY DB is super intelligent. Got excellent A level results without working and got into a good uni. He dropped out after a year as he wasn't interested. He wanted to be a mechanic too.

As it turns out he now runs his own business, and works on a certain type of car, all self taught.

He could have gained a good degree, and had some high flying job, but cars are what he loves.

CoteDAzur · 28/10/2011 21:15

What now, is it unreasonable to assume that a 20 year old man who is not in school and earns his own life will likely have a woman and baby in coming years?

wigglesrock · 28/10/2011 21:21

Just wanted to add my personal perspective - I was very bright as a child, well in all honesty what I have is fantastic recall which proved a real asset in school up to the age of 16 - flew through exams and GCSEs etc, not so much help when I had to actual think for myself at A-levels but my Mum really pushed me to go to University - she didn't go and always regretted it. We had so many rows (I was 19).

In the end I went and spent 2 years in abject misery, hated every minute of it, looking back now I was severly depressed. Finally left after 2 years and awaited and received the expected fall-out.

My relationship with my parents especially my Mum was really badly affected through out my twenties, I felt so much resentment towards her and she didn't understand why. We have a much better relationship now but I am 37 and it took me to have children to find some kind of equal footing in our relationship.

I have a job that I am happy in, pays the bills and allows me to do things I prefer to do rather than work. I will never be well off, my parents will probably always have more money than us, but I am happy.

ouryve · 28/10/2011 21:23

YABU.

He's all grown up now and has chosen to do something he (presumably) loves. University isn't a path to a guaranteed job, let alone a good career, but it will guarantee him years of debt. And 3 years or more doing a degree is a big ask for someone who doesn't really want to be there.

Ephiny · 28/10/2011 21:31

I agree with others that you should back off and let him make his own choices - fine to offer advice, but it sounds like you've already done that, and it's up to him whether he wants to take it or not! Nagging and criticising will only push him away, surely?

And yes he can do a degree later in life, if that's what he wants or it becomes necessary for his career. Or he might not, it's up to him either way. But usually the students who do best are the ones who actually want to be there and have some self-motivation, rather than those who just drifted into it because 'it's what you do' or went to please their parents.

ilovesooty · 28/10/2011 21:38

YABU. He's 20, not a child. My niece went to university and is working in ASDA. I went to university and I bet my mechanic earns a lot more than I do.

Laquitar · 29/10/2011 00:47

The way i see it if you have a bright child and he makes a not so good choice (i'm not saying your son's choice isn't good) he can always change direction later (if he/she is not happy). Many of my friends have done that and doing very well now. I think it is better to study after you 've lived and worked a bit anyway. And this is one of the best things about living in Britain imo.

Also i like trades because you can work in other countries too.

flatbread · 29/10/2011 01:05

I read some study which showed that people under the age of 25 generally are not good with understanding long term consequences of their actions. They usually choose the option with immediate benefit, even if it led to longer term losses. But people 35 plus were the reverse.

You have the benefit of a longer term perspective and there is nothing wrong with using that. When he is 30 and perhaps regrets not nerving a uni education, he may not be able to do it because he may have a kid or other commitments.

If he is drawn to a mechanical type career, why not encourage him to study to be an aerospace engineer or something? A good education does open more avenues for the future.

flatbread · 29/10/2011 01:07

Having, not nerving.

Damn iPad autocorrection

JamieComeHome · 29/10/2011 07:22

I agree with you Cote, in the sense that a higher level of education does give you more choices. But if he doesn't want/can't face/doesn't see the need for University now, there is still time for him to change his mind. As flatbread says, all you can do is to tell him that.

Ironically, when I was young I was so focussed on the long term, on the academic road I was on, I never took time to discover what it was that I really loved, and what I wanted to do, as opposed to what I felt I should do, or what was worthy for me to do. I'm all for DCs taking their time

Whatmeworry · 29/10/2011 10:21

Yanbu to be concerned but you have to let them follow their interests, and 20 is plenty young enough to change his mind.

It's also not really threatened by globalisation or cheap Asian labour, and running your own garage can be a very decent living - our neighbours did where I grew up, and he had a very nice house etc etc.

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