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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a better standard of life for my son?

68 replies

ahmnunbarn · 27/10/2011 02:24

Lurker and first-time poster here. [wave]

I have a bit of a dilemma, and thought posting here would open my mind up to some logical (rather than just reactive) thinking.

DS is 20 and has decided to train to become a mechanic. He has decided he doesn't want to go to uni, and that his vocation is fixing cars. I have tried to explain to him that this is a (very) poor choice in terms of earning potential, and I don't think he really "gets" it as we have always been financially comfortable. I don't want to cause a rift, and we have already had a few arguments about this. The thing that upsets me most is that he is very bright - he was tested as a child and scored high enough to get into mensa, so I just feel he is wasting his potential. I don't want to see him struggle with money, and feel that this is the path he is starting down. AIBU?

OP posts:

Emsmaman · 27/10/2011 08:07

YABU - people who work in trades with a good business brain can make a lot of money running their own businesses, providing employment for the local economy. Look how many graduates are unemployed/working in minimum wage jobs or working as dogsbodies with no job security. University is no longer the reserve of the intelligent or the wealthy, a degree, although useful, just isn't worth as much as it used to be.

SquongebobSparepants · 27/10/2011 08:08

YABU. It is his life. I wasted time at uni and am only using my degree 15 years later, having had a series of shitty deadend jobs in the meantime.
DH quit his degree halfway through and it has not harmed his career one iota.
Our BF left sixth form and went into industry, he is doing fabulously.

You do sound very snobby, your poor boy.
FWIW I was in mensa as a child and have a very high IQ. It has been nothing but a burden as my parents always expected me to do 'better' I nearly failed my degree through the pressure they were putting on me and me rebelling. I no longer speak to my father (not just for this reason but it contributed)
Leave your son's life alone.

CoteDAzur · 27/10/2011 08:09

YANBU. Try to convince him to study mechanical engineering, and then be a mechanic if that is what he really wants to.

LizzieMo · 27/10/2011 08:14

YABU . His life- His choice. Being bright does not wear off. If he is bright he will carry that through and make a success of whatever he does.

lilbitneurotic · 27/10/2011 08:32

For what its worth, due to the high level of electronic / diagnostic work now undertaken on new models of cars most dealerships will only take on apprentices who are educated to a high standard and will need to further that education with college and brand specific training.

My husband is a BMW Master technician (which is degree equivalent) and his earning potential is just fine.

Also mechanics are now vehicle technicians and its not a case of just calling them something more "fancy" its because the work has almost completely changed and there are no longer a lot of "mechanics" involved. Some days my husband can spend his whole day on a laptop fixing cars.

Bloodredrubyblue · 27/10/2011 08:32

Also OP, I wouldn't set much store by childhood IQ tests. My brother scored very highly in his but you wouldn't know it today.

Make sure your DS gets an apprenticeship with a good garage and good mechanics so he gets an excellant start in his chosen field. Also make sure they encourage him to take every qualification he is eligible for - that way he gets the best of both worlds. Pratical proof he can do it and written proof he can do it.

I wish your DS all the best as good mechanics are hard to find.

[Maybe you can buy a fantastic old classic car that he can restore for you] [hgrin]

sunnydelight · 27/10/2011 08:43

YABU, but I do understand your fears. One of the reasons we emigrated to Australia was so that our two very dyslexic boys would not spend their lives with people looking down their noses because they had not followed a traditional academic/uni/professional type job path.

Having said that, I still worry massively about them as we are currently living in an area of Sydney that is only possible because of a very high earning DH. DS1 is just leaving his private school where his needs have been well catered for because that's what we paid them to do, I now have to watch him carve his own path in life where I have to let go and respect his choices. It is horribly scary!

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 27/10/2011 13:49

SOrry but you ARE being unreasonable. It's his life and career not yours.

Personally I would be delighted if my son opted for a trade.. there are so many routes he can go and a decent apprenticeship will make him very employable. Nor does it rule out a degree at some stage if he laters wishes.. there is no age limit for starting university and many higher apprenticeships combine training with study anyway.

I have a 'good ' degree and earn peanuts so it's certainly no predictor of income!

I have one child currently doing a 'good degree' (medicine) and one working at the local co-op. Each are happy... and each will find their own chosen path; I'm pretty sure my ds won't be in the co-op for ever but neither will I ever try to impose my wishes on him. Your son is an adult and needs to make his own decisions!

Funnyface89 · 28/10/2011 19:38

Neither me or my DH went to Uni but straight to work after our A-levels. We have earned enough money for our house, car and for me to be a SAHM if i choice to be.

With Uni fees going up I sometimes thing it isnt worth having a degree unless it is absolutly necessary.

As plp have said a degree doesn't alway mean a better income.

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 19:45

I know what you are saying, but having attained a high level of education myself, I do really try to hang on to the fact that I want my children to a) do something they love
and
b) have choices

It may be that the path he is taking now will fulfill him for now, but that he will be limited later. If he's as intelligent as you say, he will have all the time in the world to do more education if he needs to get to somewhere else. I think you just have to trust him.

I can forsee something similar happening with DS1. Already, I feel challenged by the differences in his attitudes and preferences when it comes to his education (and he's only 11). All I can do is support.

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 19:46

Sorry, post above should have said he may not end up being fulfilled, but he may well be very happy.

FabbyChic · 28/10/2011 19:48

Its his choice, think he could have his own business later on in life. My firm charge £60 an hour for a mechanics time.

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 19:50

I don't think it would be wrong to present him with some related alternatives, but at the end of the day, if what he wants to do is very practical, the thought of University won't appeal to him.

There are different ways of being clever

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 28/10/2011 19:51

I think he should do what makes him happy. After all, it's his life. You've got yours.

And mechanics can make a bloody good living. Particularly if they own their own place.

Maybe that's the direction you should be supporting him in. How to make the most money in the field that he wants to be in.

JamieComeHome · 28/10/2011 19:54

Is this a thread about a thread?

Forgive me, but talk of Mensa testing gives me hives. It suggests an over-pre-occupation with "specialness" on the part of the parents

lifechanger · 28/10/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 28/10/2011 19:57

Looking at the garage bills, (and being very glad that dh does all the servicing on his Range Rover and Caterham), I'd love a mechanic in the family.

If he can also fix older cars, he'll do well, as not all of them have sophisticated electronics (and for some you can buy the software to clear the faults anyway).

He could end up in F1.

Georgimama · 28/10/2011 20:01

I hope this is a thread about a thread because it's depressing otherwise.

If it isn't, YABVU. Sorry if your son being a mechanic isn't good enough to tell your friends about - because that is what this sort of concern about a perfectly decent job is really about. The solution to that problem is to get better friends not a better son.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 28/10/2011 20:03

YABU

my dad/EXP/EXP's dad/and several uncles are never happier than when they are up to their elbows in engine oil. it's a passion. they love it.

my dad started off in the civil service on his dad's say so. he hated it. he isn't a desk job person. he loves going out and getting his hands (literally) dirty. he has spent the whole of his adult life as a labourer/joiner/tiler. it's hard work and as he gets older he knows he wont be able to work for much longer in this area. but he loves his work.

and besides, training as a mechanic doesn't mean your son is restricting himself to being an apprentice in a two man garage for the rest of his days. if he has ambition he could work his way into one of the big car manufactirers. he could end up working for honda designing new car engines. there are thousands of possibilites open to him. let him follow his dream and be happy for him. he will know himself when things are tight whether he wants to continue with it or retrain. people rarely have a career for life anymore. mechanic today doesn't necessarily mean mechanic foreverl.

hiddenhome · 28/10/2011 20:19

Nuffin' wrong with being a mechanic. It's a very skilled job. We'll always need them that's for sure. I trained to be a nurse so that I wouldn't be out of a job and I never have been because nurses are always needed. You have to think of the future. How many graduates are currently on the dole?

hiddenhome · 28/10/2011 20:21

Oh, and just to say my late FIL started life as a lowly apprentice in the poverty stricken east end of London and ended up with two degrees and running a nuclear power station, so you never know where things can lead to.

elportodelgato · 28/10/2011 20:24

YABU my brother is university educated but has ended up being a bike mechanic. He hated hated hated office work and absolutely loves his job now - looking back it seems obvious that he was going to do a more manual type of job. He is actually doing very nicely out of it as he's a bit of a charmer and pretty organised so is now managing a team. And he is so happy! In these days of 9k per year fees it sounds pretty clever to do something else tbh

CoteDAzur · 28/10/2011 20:26

" he could end up working for honda designing new car engines"

Extremely unlikely without an engineering and/or industrial design degree.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 28/10/2011 20:32

YABU, but I'm sure you should know that already. Nothing at all wrong with being a mechanic, and our local (v good) mechanic is always extremely busy and certainly isn't on the breadline. V dubious about money being the prime concern anyway - wouldn't you rather your DS was happy? Also, he'll be avoiding the shedload of debt that going to uni will now entail, which, on top of doing something he's passionate about (assuming that's the case), sounds pretty sensible to me - you should be proud of him!

Finally, not going to uni now doesn't mean anything - DH had an apprenticeship after leaving school at 18, then left after a few years and bummed around in a band (as I would see it - it was his passion at the time and had some moderate commercial success) for several more years. Eventually the band fizzled out and he went to uni as a mature student, got the top First in his year and stayed on to do a PhD. He is now a terribly respectable academic. So your DS may yet go on to do something that you can safely boast about .

discrete · 28/10/2011 20:42

You are being a snob, and it could cost you your relationship with your child.

Is is really more important to you to be able to say to your friends 'my ds is a [insert your expectations here] than it is to have a good relationship with your son?

Because that's what's at stake here, and your decision now could affect the rest of your life.

You have exactly two choices here: you can tell your son 'Your life is your choice and I will support you in what you choose and love you regardless' or you can say 'My love and support for you is conditional on you doing what I want you to do and fulfilling my expectations'.

Think about it carefully.

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