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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not her other source of childcare?

70 replies

mustgetabackbone · 26/10/2011 14:07

Name changer (just in case!)

I have a neighbour with 4 children, i have 2.

we would occasionally help each other with school run etc, however recently i find all i do is caart her children around.
i take one to an after school acytivity and back again.
I usually recieve a text or two a week asking me to take two of them to school with mine,
If one is ill she askes me to look after them while shes at work,
she put me down as a contact for the private nuresry for her two youngest without asking!,
If there is anything on after school she asks me to take her kids back and forth, even when her husband is home from work in time

She has a childminder and the private nursery but I'm starting to feel like the unpaid help, but I can't stand confrontation and say no.
I understand she has 4 but I have 2 including a younger one, which makes chasing after her two harder.
She has on a few occasions helped me, but i can count this one one hand, Infact me havinhg her kids is a running joke at the school gate.

There is more detail to it, but I dont want to outed, just moan!

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 26/10/2011 14:09

You've got to say no.

Her choice to have 4 kids, she can sort out the logistics.

MoaninMinny · 26/10/2011 14:11

Name changer (just in case!) then calls herself " mustgetabackbone"

think you have answered your own issue LOL

AMumInScotland · 26/10/2011 14:13

You have to steel yourself to deal with the "confrontation" I'm afraid, or get "Welcome" tattooeed onto your forehead like the doormat you've become...

Say "No", say "That doesn't work for me", say "It's not convenient this time".

You feel like the unpaid help because you are the unpaid help!

Sirzy · 26/10/2011 14:15

You have to say no, even if it's just to the things that mean you going out of your way/being inconvenienced.

Original poster
mustgetabackbone · 26/10/2011 14:15

I know I know, I need to say no, my Dp keeps telling me to, and I planned to, but then she turned up at the door! I'd readied myself for a no text...face to face I couldn't!

OP posts:
wineandroses · 26/10/2011 15:56

Nothing is going to change unless you can bring yourself to say NO!

I have a few SAHM friends, and they all have stories of extremely cheeky working 'friends' who have no shame whatsoever in attempting to use them as unpaid child-care. One friend (with new-born son) told me that one day her neighbour turned up with two children in tow, saying that "as she was staying at home with one child, two more wouldn't make any difference". Friend told her where to go. You need to do the same thing otherwise you will become extremely resentful (if you're not already) and it won't be an enjoyable experience for any of the children either.

mollymole · 26/10/2011 16:00

Why not tell her that you are applying to become a registered child minder and would she like to formalise the arrangement, regarding remuneration,as you can't take on 'unpaid childcare' anymore. You may not see her for dust !!

lastroseofsummer · 26/10/2011 16:13

A friend of mine once had a nanny working for her and doing a bit of housekeeping etc for etc cash. She arrived home (my friend) from work one day and the nanny took her aside to say that on 3 separate occasions her next door neighbour had left her 2 in with my friends dd to "have a play date". The nanny explained that although she didnt mind an extra child or 2 now and again it was becoming a habit for this neighbour.

In fact the nanny at one stage had called to the house to be told by neighbours DH that neighbour was out at a spa. My friend happened to have a day off the next day and of course said neighbour arrived to the door with her 2 dd. Friend opened the door and neighbour looked startled. Neighbour said she was hoping that friends dd could have play date. Friend smiled and said she would love that but someone in the neighbourhood had left their children with friend's nanny to go to a spa of all places and she was very annoyed about it so she couldnt organise play dates or nanny would be up in arms.

Neighbour was mortified by all accounts but what could she say. Perhaps OP you could do something along the lines of "sorry ive arranged a play date elsewhere". She cant expect you to mind her children then!

Avenged · 26/10/2011 16:22

The odd occasion is fine to accept, but the last time I was 'expected' to look after 2 of my ex-friend's kids (she didn't even ask me if I had anything to do that day), Itold her I couldn't mind them as I had to visit my dad in hospital and also had a dental appointment. She flipped and called me all sorts of names like a lazy good-for-nothing shite, but I gave it to her with no mercy and with both barrels and verbally tore strips off her. Needless to say, she never came near me again, not that it bothered me at all Grin.

So OP, just stick your foot down and say that it's not convenient or make sure you're going out for that exact reason (that you just don't want to mind her kids, although don't tell her why).

Good luck with it OP.

SquelchyBodyParts · 26/10/2011 16:57

I'm still gob smacked every time I read these threads.

The entitlement astounds me! I'm so glad I don't know people like this, because I'm not terribly good at saying 'no' either.

You have to try and put your foot down though op, do you mean you take these people's dc's to activities that yours don't go to? If so then that is outrageous! What does she have a child minder for?

PreviouslyonLost · 26/10/2011 17:07

mustgetabackbone read my thread... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1282640--to-think-this-couple-are-extracting-the-urine...and change your name to mustgrowballs

It can be done, power of Mumsnet and all that...I am living proof. Fuckwickery can never be allowed to triumph, good luck.

(If link doesn't work, can some kind MN'er help me with my tech'less lack of technique?).

fuzzywuzzy · 26/10/2011 17:12

Say no.

Just say no.

Do you want to be friends with such a taker, who cares what her reaction is she doesn't give a fg about you & yours.

Just say no and shut the door on her face.

Katisha · 26/10/2011 17:29

This one

Diamondback · 26/10/2011 17:35

If one is ill she askes me to look after them while she's at work

[hshock] That's so bleeding cheeky!

Lotkinsgonecurly · 26/10/2011 17:44

Brilliant thread from Previouslyonlost. Am assuming you haven't been asked since for childcare?

Mustgetabackbone - I do feel like this sometimes as a friend of mine ( thankfully she doesn't live next door) works from home whereas I am around most of the day when the children are at school. ( My job is from home also but I also work at night and late into the evening to compensate) However I too get asked. Now this week I've had to rearrange work schedule etc and the said friend wanted me to have her children whilst she went out to lunch.
I said no, I could do a couple of hours in the morning and funnily enough she hasn't contacted me since the time I said no it wasn't convenient. I felt guilty for a day or so but got over it and enjoyed the time with my kids.

Tomorrow I'm looking after another friends child from first thing in the morning but she rarely asks and it suits me.

But what I really wanted to say was just because she has 4 children that is her choice not yours. Help out occassionally in the interest of neighbourly relations as some of the swaps / lifts may suit you. But if you take her child one week then she should be taking yours the next Grin

Good luck.

BalloonSlayer · 26/10/2011 17:44

mollymole has the best idea!

TheSkiingGardener · 26/10/2011 17:51

Practice some phrases that avoid the "No" word if it's easier

"I'm afraid it's not convenient today" for example. Easier to say while your balls are still in the germination phase.

purplewerepidj · 26/10/2011 17:53

You're not being rude to say no.

She's being rude by asking in the first place.

If she gets huffy about it, it's because she realises what a cow she's being and feels guilty!

Katisha · 26/10/2011 17:53

If she is texting you then just text back saying sorry can't. You don't owe any explanation.
Keep doing it.
It won't go away by itself.

PreviouslyonLost · 26/10/2011 18:00

Lotkinsgonecurly I have SO much to update...but long story short, we have exorcised the demon urine extractors (dementors?) from our lives (almost completely...we are still nice 'neighbours' in a small community).

I shall defend MN to my dying breath for the support I received. Hope OP grows Balls...it's a novel experience, but needs loads of lovely MN's on board. Smile

PreviouslyonLost · 26/10/2011 18:01

Katisha...many thanks Smile

FruitChute · 26/10/2011 18:01

Even though you are well within your rights to just say 'no', if you don't want confrontation I would just make sure that most of the time you have 'something else to do' or a 'prior arrangement'. Hopefully she will then put something more reliable in place. She is probably only relying on you because she knows you always do it.

Maryz · 26/10/2011 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 09:24

Okay I'm practasing my 'no' face in the mirror after this morning.

After taking her kids up and down with mine to a school even last night that meant the last trip meant we didn't get back till after 8.20 with me dragging my ds2 with us, when i had planned on using the car (Dp works away alot) but not being able to cause they dont all fit in mine, this morning i heared a knock at the door.
We were running slightly late as we were all tired after last night, but it was her oldest son asking if i could take them to school. I asked cant his Daddy do it seeing as is car was still there? Apparently he was leaving soon and his mum wasnt well. Fine i thought, had planned leaving bit later to take car to make things less of a rush, but under the circumstances i just got my kids in shoes/coat and walked up with her 2 oldest.

Got home 45 minutes after leaving.....his car is still there and hasn't yet moved! I know I'm now recognisable but I don't care!
I take her oldest to an after school activity and I'll do that, but there is no chance I'll be doing anything else such as bringing her other child home from school first, as we just head straight there and no room in car with my ds, hers and my youngest.

OP posts:
Katisha · 27/10/2011 09:30

Absolute piss take.
They are just using you.