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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I am not her other source of childcare?

70 replies

mustgetabackbone · 26/10/2011 14:07

Name changer (just in case!)

I have a neighbour with 4 children, i have 2.

we would occasionally help each other with school run etc, however recently i find all i do is caart her children around.
i take one to an after school acytivity and back again.
I usually recieve a text or two a week asking me to take two of them to school with mine,
If one is ill she askes me to look after them while shes at work,
she put me down as a contact for the private nuresry for her two youngest without asking!,
If there is anything on after school she asks me to take her kids back and forth, even when her husband is home from work in time

She has a childminder and the private nursery but I'm starting to feel like the unpaid help, but I can't stand confrontation and say no.
I understand she has 4 but I have 2 including a younger one, which makes chasing after her two harder.
She has on a few occasions helped me, but i can count this one one hand, Infact me havinhg her kids is a running joke at the school gate.

There is more detail to it, but I dont want to outed, just moan!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 27/10/2011 09:39

At the moment you definitely are her other source of childcare. If they have a childminder then she needs to find a different one if the current childminder isn't flexible enough. Helping out once a term or so with an emergency is fine but this sounds very unreciprocal and she is lying to you. Just start saying "sorry but it's not convenient" you don't need to give her more of an explanation. If her kids are ill she finds a childminder willing to have her kids at short notice when ill or she or her husband stay off work.
This clearly is all very inconvenient as your last post shows. Why should you be inconvenienced rather than her? They are her kids.

TheProvincialLady · 27/10/2011 09:39

Don't offer explanations
Don't get into any debate
Don't make up reasons why you can't
Just say no, each and every single time. It will get easier after the first few times and they will stop asking anyway. They are taking the piss big time.

2rebecca · 27/10/2011 09:44

I'm not sure why you regularly take her kids to afternoon activities. That is not an emergency and is something her usual childminder should be doing unless she has arranged with you to do half the trips and you do the other half. Most people only arrange activities for their kids after they have worked out how they get their kids there.
Time to say no to alot of stuff.

Original poster

mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 09:47

Thanks Ladies. I'll update you later when I hear the knock knock at the dorr. See I said when and not if? lol

Funny thing is she knows I stopped working at the start of the year cause we were havinhg to rely on his mum too much for childcare, and I didnt want my children to have to stay there too much as it wasn't fair on anyone and now she's given me a new job with no pay lol!

OP posts:

Katisha · 27/10/2011 09:50

Imagine the power of mumsnet standing behind you when you hear the knock!

We are virtually sending you the vibes

Original poster

mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 09:51

2rebecca the thing her son does with mine, i started taking him as she had to cut down on childcare for her youngest two due to cost and the plan was she'd take my son on a monday and I'd take hers on a thursday, only she doesn't take my son on a monday, i still do.

The school stuff, parties, discos etc is cause she tells them they can go, and every time she says her husband wont be home and her youngest two will be in bed, and it's such a shame on the older two, i just agree I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 09:53

its now 9.52 and husbands car is still there. school went in an hour ago!

OP posts:

Katisha · 27/10/2011 09:58

The husband will be thinking to himself "oh she's going anyway she might as well take my kids".
He (and the DW) will have no concept of give and take and the complicated web of balances and obligations that come with doing childcare for neighbours.

BoysRusxxx · 27/10/2011 09:59

FFS some people are just so fucking rude!!! It never ceases to amaze me how some people have the audacity to treat people like this.

I hate confrontation too so completely understand how you feel. if you grow a backbone, will you grow me one too??!!

2rebecca · 27/10/2011 10:07

I suspect if that was me I'd be banging on the door about this, but I'm happy with confrontation. Best to start with saying no. Next time she asks you you could mention the mondays thing and the fact that you would like things to be more reciprocal as you feel you gave up a paid job just to get another as her free childminder and you aren't happy with the amount she is using you.
This will lead to an argument though and you may find it too confrontational. Saying "no it's not convenient" and not backing down or justifying yourself will get the message through eventually.
If she moans about getting the other kids out of bed for parties then you could say "who did you think would collect him when you said yes? I only say my kids can go to parties if I have a plan on getting them there and back"
Collecting my kids from parties is often a pain as ex and I separated so it sometimes involves longish trips. If you say your kid can go to a party you sort it out though. Her husband can come home earlier or she keeps the kids up.

BoysRusxxx · 27/10/2011 10:25

Could you start asking her to take your kids to school two days a week? i know that is just lowering to her level but maybe she will back off if she realizes she has to give back in return?

BalloonSlayer · 27/10/2011 10:28

I always seem to say it on these threads but I think behind it is that people think THEIR kids are so fantabulously wonderful that other people are fucking grateful to have the pleasure of their company - and that they are actually doing you a favour by allowing you to take their children to school.

(A variation on this theme are the "Why doesn't my MIL want to babysit my children more, you'd think she'd want to develop a good relationship with her grandchildren?" threads when the clear answer is well yes you would think that but then babysitting is not always enjoyable, and maybe she needs to get a good relationship with the grandchildren developed first, doing fun things, and then once that's established she'll want to babysit them more.)

StaceymAloneForver · 27/10/2011 10:49

oh this sounds like she's taking the absolute complete piss, me and my friends ring round when one needs a hand, normally it's me that has the kids in the morning if parents need to rush off (i'm well organised in the mornings so not a problem) and others have mine afterschool if i'm trying desperately to work. we have a great group to be able to do this (also last minute babysitting of an evening, fantastic) but i would definately think twice at having someone elses 2 kids almost living with me, that's not fair on you or your dc's!

Original poster

mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 10:49

I'm actually quite angry now. The being taken advantage of stuff was bad enough but now I'm being lied to. The car is still there. thats two hours after school starting. thats plenty of time to get ready for work!

She works a few days a week but has childcare plenty more than that . infact her youngest two are going back in an extra day so she can have a day to herself!

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 27/10/2011 11:05

My advice - stay angry! These people are taking the piss big-time. They simply don't think that your time and effort are anywhere near as important as their time and effort. Stop allowing them to think that way.

Original poster

mustgetabackbone · 27/10/2011 12:15

Jus had her at the door, to say that her son wasn't going to the activity and that she would just pick the two of hers up, as he was too tired after last night (How nice of her!)
she thanked me for taking them this morning and said that....(prepare yourself for her showing me they are liars..)
That her H had phoned in cause she was too unwell to look after the toddlers. And he had sent the Oldest round to see if I would take them as, and i quote: 'You're too ill, and I can't go cause I have the toddlers'

They both have cars, they have a double buggy. I too have a toddler (yes he's older and I drop him in for his nursery session but he still needs me to keep an eye on him and with an extra two kids its difficult. I dont see why me having to take 4 kids is any less difficult than him having 4?
So his son said he was going to work and imho i think he was told to say that, He's too young to lie about that himself.

So I'm officially peed off and No, I'm not helping out again, and am telling her that I need to go out after drop off at school tomorrow so need to take the car if she asks me to drop off tomorrow. This is the end of it.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 27/10/2011 12:34

How come she was so ill this morning that her husband had to stay off work and now she is able to pick up her kids? It's a shame you didn't ask her why her husband was incapable of putting all the kids in the car and dropping the eldest one off.
It's a bit late now for them to decide they can't cope with 4 children. Her husband needs to learn to cope with having them all.
I suspect your friendship with this couple is coming to an end.

Icelollycraving · 27/10/2011 12:54

Just keep saying I'm afraid that doesn't work for me/sorry that's not convenient/no I'm taking the car so I can't take all of them. If you want to be nicely passive aggressive then try this 'I'm going to be setting up as a childminder,I've got so much experience with busy parents,well I'm one myself of course. I gave up my job because of cm fees so it seems like a great plan. Let me know if you want to put your name down as obviously I'll be charging the going rate. I'm sure you understand,time is precious & time is money!' :o

natashakaplinkyplop · 27/10/2011 12:54

You go girl...

DorisIsTheDarkDestroyer · 27/10/2011 17:08

With their sense of entitlement this could take a good few "No that's not convienent"!

Please keep us updated OP I LOVE a thread where the OP gets liberated from doormattery - I think you have seen the light now you just need a nudge towards the door.

Gigondas · 27/10/2011 17:26

Waves pompon and sends be strong vibes to op.

Balloon slayer makes good point ( thinks of her step sister whose kids are at my dm house being baby sat 90% of time afaik - my dm is annoyed with this but won't say no )

fedupofnamechanging · 27/10/2011 18:16

I have 4 children and I don't expect my neighbours to look after them. Her choice to have them, so her responsibility to ferry them to school etc, not yours.

Looking after children is work. That's why childminders, nursery staff, nannies and babysitters get paid. In doing this for free, you are working for her for free. Why would you do this? If your boss said 'do X, but I'm not going to pay you', you'd soon tell them to bugger off. Your neighbour is no different.

On POL's thread a genius poster (sadly, not me), pointed out that if she is working while you look after her dc, then she is deriving economic benefit from your free labour. You are doing what she would otherwise have to pay someone to do. Too right you should be angry and too right you should put a stop to it.

PreviouslyonLost · 27/10/2011 23:00

mustgetabackbone

I can see the light of realisation dawning in your eyes...you are on your way to Balls of steel! Getting angry is good, when you're laughing at their 'antics' you know you're free of selfish neighbours

ssd · 27/10/2011 23:22

op, dont make up a load of daft excuses, just tell her you are fed up with having the piss taken out of you and she can eff off

Katisha · 28/10/2011 13:36

So how is it going with the erstwhile piss-takers these days Previously? Still dropping round to use your computer? Got any childcare yet? Or have they moved on to new victims?

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