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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dp's family assuming the domestic is my realm...

60 replies

PinkPoncho · 24/10/2011 23:06

since we've had the children, I've been a bit suprised how my dp's sisters and mum seem to think that the domestic stuff is all my job. For example, they remind me of various relatives birthdays (on their side of the family) and i say OK, I'll remind him... or basically in conversations assume I do all the laundry/cleaning..they are thinking of trying to get me a dishwasher! They are nice but is that the norm (eg being in charge of relatives pressies etc)

OP posts:

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 23:07

I would say it is the norm, but then I am quaintly old fashioned.

Cathycomehome · 24/10/2011 23:10

Not in this house - but my PIL (sort of, partner's parents) still think I ruined their PFB's life, so meh.

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 23:10

I used to get the birthday thing as well, just tell them they're telling the wrong person.

to them thinking of getting you a dishwasher, who'd turn that generous offer down?

mamas12 · 24/10/2011 23:11

just keep on carrying on doing what you're doing and don't let them get to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2011 23:11

I'd say it was the norm - if slightly depressing. My own DM gets annoyed when my brother forgets some family birthday or other 'now that he has a wife'. I remind her that he's capable of posting a card all by his little 40-odd year-old self but this is a shocking suggestion, apparently....

Cathycomehome · 24/10/2011 23:11

I see your dishwasher, and raise you the handy 10 brush cleaning brush set....

aldiwhore · 24/10/2011 23:13

Its probably the norm, but you don't have to conform, they'll get the message eventually, over the next 20years or so!

I do admit I do the whole 'calendar' thing, so I remember birthdays etc., however, I am rubbish at posting anything so DH does that.

Other domestic chores are shared on balance, accept when he's not here, then he can't... but I would hate the assumption that its my realm. No one in my family, extended family or friendship groups would dare buy me a domestic appliance for a birthday or christmas, but meh, if the in laws are offering to get one for no reason, I wouldn't care if they referred to it as mine.

I noticed this once I had children too... guess its assumed you'll take on all the traditional 'motherly' roles even though they're not all part of motherhood! My mother bought me an Apron for Christmas just after I'd had my first child, her timing was impacable and I did growl. (Had she not also bought me some very lovely knitwear it would have almost been unforgiveable!)

PartyPooperz · 24/10/2011 23:15

Nope. You do your family, he does his. You both sign the cards.

Men have been prolific and wordy correspondents throughout history - we have libraries full of collections of letters and diaries written by men (St Paul, Pepys, Churchill etc etc) so I would think them very capable of corresponding with others on their own behalf, but then I am quaintly old fashioned.

KatieMortician · 24/10/2011 23:15

My dh's family have tried this a couple of times. Comments about how they have birthday books etc to help them keep track of birthdays. I just give them a quizzical look and say I never forget my familiy's birthdays. Then I pause, and say that dh is a bit rubbish at remembering isn't he?! My attitude is that they're not my family, not my responsibility - particularly because they don't remember ds's birthday The only exception I make is for the children's birthdays.

Dh is also in charge of actioning domestic duties... I am more strategy.

It is old-fashioned and sexist to presume that because you have a uterus you are all domesticated.

Original poster

PinkPoncho · 24/10/2011 23:24

Ah that is a relief to hear it is not just me then. So, when his 99 yr old nan, his brother in law (husband to the sis) and sister, don't get cards this week due to his forgetfulness, it won't be my fault! To be honest, I hardly remember my own family's birthdays apart from the kids that is.

I have been bought for birthday/christmas presents (since having the kids) things like-
Annabel Karmel after school meal planner (after just having ds2 and making a sandwich seemed an acheivement)
Yoghurt maker
Slow cooker

All things which make me feel argh! tbh.

Still, is maybe to 'help' me take on the domestic realm better. Wait and see, bet I'll get a 'family planner' for Christmas...with all the birthdays in!

I'm really just fuming a bit as my dp's mum babysat for the first time overnight on Fri, came back to find she had tidied all their clothes cupboards!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 24/10/2011 23:40

The other 'helpful' gifts they've given you do put a different slant on the dishwasher.

Those, mixed with the tidying the cupboards, and it does look as though you need to draw a line of where it becomes intrusive.

That's never an easy thing to do though when its a situation that could easily be taken the wrong way and descend into cold shoulders and snide remarks.

I'd play the long game (just a figure of speech rather than game playing) and be confident in who you and your DP really are.

I've always been drawn to getting a yogurt maker, but I suspect it'd just fester in the Kitchen Appliances That Seemed A Good Idea At The Time cupboard

WidowWadman · 24/10/2011 23:40

Husband and I are equally bad at remembering to send cards, but I do get the feeling that it's reflecting more badly on me than him. Noone ever says so outright, so I don't know exactly why I get the feeling. Might be telepathy.

Original poster

PinkPoncho · 25/10/2011 00:13

Yes and the sis (who mainly gets me the things) gets Chanel makeup for her birthday! Hmm.

OP posts:

cece · 25/10/2011 00:19

My MIL cleans my kitchen floor whenever she babysits.

I now make sure I leave it nice and dirty for her better satisfaction

But then my DM cleans my oven when she visits so maybe I am a bit slovenly!

Original poster

PinkPoncho · 25/10/2011 00:30

Ah cece that makes me feel better. Glad to know it's not just me. It's difficult because they are so nice and probably just trying to help. Possibly.

OP posts:

dramatrauma · 25/10/2011 00:30

Take the dishwasher!

My MIL cleans my kitchen when she comes. I now leave out cleaning supplies for her, and I come home to a lovely sanitised kitchen. I consider it free labour. She does this to my SIL, too, and it annoys her no end. I only wish MIL would run the Hoover too.

ravenAK · 25/10/2011 00:30

My personal favourite was MIL: 'Have you forgotten that £50 again?'

Me: 'Eh?'

MIL: 'You were supposed to pay me back a week ago!'

Me: 'I was?'

It transpires that a couple of weeks ago dh borrowed £50 from her (some convoluted story involving a debit card in the wrong trousers...) which he assured her I would repay when I collected dd2, whom she was looking after for the afternoon a couple of days later.

Fine -what's his is mine etc - except dh then completely forgot to inform me of any of this...but is it his fault as far as MIL is concerned? Certainly not. I should be relieving dh of his salary, giving him pocket money & monitoring his spending & liabilities, apparently!

KatieMortician · 25/10/2011 00:32

I wouldn't give it masses of thought. My own family and dh's family buy the most inappropriate presents for both me and dh. I either exchange, regift or charity shop it depending on the relationship and how offended they'd be.

I am often astounded at just how wrong they get it but dh's mum for example, who I barely know does really good presents. I think it's because she's quiet and listens so she soaks up relevant info like a sponge. My lot and FIL do not listen - we are all too busy being interesting and important (me included).

I am lucky I have everything I could possibly ever need and I can buy my own Chanel/Bobbi Brown/Dermalogica etc.

Much better presents are babysitting or going for a nice meal. Stuff that isn't hugely expensive but is worth 1000 x more than any gift.

dramatrauma · 25/10/2011 00:34

RavenAK... you certainly should be. Neglectful wifery, that.

KatieMortician · 25/10/2011 00:34

I only wish MIL would run the Hoover too Roars

AnnieLobeseder · 25/10/2011 00:37

One person's quaintly old fashioned is another person's doormat.

DH is entirely responsible for remembering his own stuff and appointments. I am not his secretary.

We split the domestic work 50/50 - I am not his housekeeper.

Luckily he comes from a culture when women don't take no shit from their men and the men are all military trained so know how to do their own ironing, so he accepts this as normal, as do his family.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2011 00:44

But what's the difference drama, between how you're able to take advantage appreciate your MIL cleaning your kitchen, and your SIL who might have taken it as a criticism and intrusion into her space?

Do you know your MIL does it out of love rather than having a snipe, and if there were constantly other criticisms made about you then you'd presume it was more of the same?

Or is your SIL just a general PITA? like mine

ravenAK · 25/10/2011 00:49

I intend to action her wise recommendations immediately, dramatrauma.

brdgrl · 25/10/2011 00:56

try "but we have a dishwasher, it's DH!"

i married a widower with kids. was not prepared for how many people would immediately assume that i'd taken on all domestic and child-rearing tasks! of course, when he did them on his own as a single dad, it was viewed by some people as a major accomplishment that he could boil water, let alone run a household, gasp, by himself! but a woman naturally ought to be able to do it better.

dramatrauma · 25/10/2011 00:57

SIL is lovely, I will hear nothing against SIL! I know the cleaning is done as a snipe, I just have a very thick skin, feel entirely comfortable with the level of cleanliness in my house, and don't get worked up over MIL's outdated views on what my role should be. Also, whatever her intentions or disapproval, the result is the same: clean kitchen. I'm good with that.

SIL hates the intrusion (which it surely is). She takes badly to the criticism, shining worksurface or no. It's her right to be offended when someone is insulting her.

But... meh... I just don't care! What's the point in being all liberated and 50/50 and whatnot if you let the Daily Mail brigade drag you down?

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