dp's family assuming the domestic is my realm...

[PinkPoncho]

since we've had the children, I've been a bit suprised how my dp's sisters and mum seem to think that the domestic stuff is all my job. For example, they remind me of various relatives birthdays (on their side of the family) and i say OK, I'll remind him... or basically in conversations assume I do all the laundry/cleaning..they are thinking of trying to get me a dishwasher! They are nice but is that the norm (eg being in charge of relatives pressies etc)

My MIL tried this (and I do love her) until I pointed out that as the breadwinner DHshould do the bulk according to her 1950s theory.

That assumption was then quashed until I had DD and I went part time and she thought she'd try again. Until DH pointed out that due to pay rises on both our sides meant that my P/T salary was the same as his. I chuffing love my DH.

KatieMortician: 'Dh is also in charge of actioning domestic duties... I am more strategy'.
This is how it works in our house too, I do bills, big projects etc., DP takes the lion's share of cooking and cleaning. This has evolved over time and we are both happy with it. If it ever comes up in conversation, I get the feeling that some people are uncomfortable with this and think that I have duties I am neglecting.

We're a partnership. I do what I'm good at and he does what he's good at. It's none of our parents or Pils business how we get things done but then we've never let them interfere with the running of our life together and because of that I've never had the kind of interefering pil's that some seem to have.

Just because they parented you as a child it doesn't mean they can or should "parent" you as an adult. If they get bossy or even suggestive treat them as you would a small child giving you orders.

I swore I would never become like DH's mother, but feel that if birthdays are forgotten it's me that looks bad.

DH is rubbish at organising and making decisions, or as my friend puts it, is a reflector, much nicer way of putting it!

I find it's easier to go with what's expected, but if I forget try not to get cross with myself.

Re the money thing I hate that PIL always write cheques to DH when I generally buy things (eg presents for DSs). We only have a joint account because one Christmas his parents and Granny gave us cheques in joint names. DH can't make it to the bank often, so cheques in his name sit in his wallet for weeks. I refuse to do his banking for him. On the other hand though the joint account is with HSBC same as my current account so I can get access to it online etc and bank transfer, that makes me when I get my hands on the cheque.

Any jobs done while babysitting would be greatly appreciated in this house. The babysitter I pay just watches TV.

The amount of work involved in strategy is usually forgotten about.

I've realised that the forgetting of birthdays and cards etc reflects badly on me, but not on DH. This is irritating, but I can't change the world, so when it comes to Christmas card writing, I intend to add birthdays when I sort out the addresses etc, and also buy a bunch of cards. It doesn't take much time or effort, and my DH has absolutely no incentive to do it.

I'll use my strategic planning to come up with some other jobs for him to take on to compensate.

Next time your MIL and SILS start talking to you about domestic stuff and relative's birthdays, twist the conversation round to the latest book you have read or film you want to see, your view on the growing national debt, what shoes you love or what lipstick colours seem to suit you .......anything else a million miles away from the domestic support role they are allocating you.

I remember deliberately talking about lipstick to MIL when she visited me in hospital after I gave birth to ds1 for just this reason.

Mind you, it's great they want to buy you a dishwasher and are helpfully babysitting, so encourage that and be grateful and gracious. Just keep dodging the pigeonholing till they get the message.

Even though my MIL is lovely she too thinks I will be interested in domestic stuff and this happened long before we had children because PFB is only two weeks old.

Examples include:-
MIL spoke to DH on the phone then asked to speak to me, this then was about 10 minutes of her asking what kind of washing machines Australians prefer (this is where we lived at the time) and an in depth description of her washing machine. Like I gave a toss on both counts!

We are back in the UK now and a few months ago she came round with parts for a vacuum cleaner, we have a new vac so don't need random parts and why would see think they would fit? She presented them to me as if I should get excited.

Then there was the time she specifically called me in to the room to see the muck she had got out of the carpet, my response "oh"

I get this every now and then, but as I don't work I guess it is to be expected. Because of that I do do most of the housework day to day because I am not at work all day. Birthdays etc are his remit. However anyone making assumptions is gently put in place, "when it is my turn", "I'll remind him" etc.

My PILs have written me off as a lost cause because I do no cleaning, no ironing and leave DH to work out what clothes/toiletries he needs and either get them himself or let me know when he needs them if I'm going shopping. Apparently, I should be checking to see if he needs socks/pants

I have also decided that I don't care if I look bad to DHs family/friends and just let him forget about Birthdays etc. He now has them all on a text reminder service on his phone and seems to be capable of buying a card and stamp and posting them.

MIL got work shirts for DH for Christmas last year, at his request. She then smilingly told me she'd "got you (ie me) no iron ones, although I probably would need to iron them a bit, but they'd be easier".

I have never ironed DH's shirts. I dread to think what would happen if this ever came out.

No ironing happens here either, DH has bought himself lovely non iron shirts and that's that!

We each do our own families for birthday cards. We have them all in our google calendars and the calendars email us a few days before to remind us. Moonpig offers a similar service and you can then buy the card online, but the cards are quite expensive (the reminders are free).

I do tend to buy two mothers day or fathers day cards and let DH pick one.

In all other ways DH is more domesticated.

I think it's par for the course. When I got married DH's family became mine too. I write the cards from a bumper family pack a year ahead and stick them in date order in the kitchen drawer to post. Not very personal but does the trick and stops everyone moaning - nearly got my fingers burnt though when I was on the way to the post box with FIL's (a few months after he died [embarrassed].

If your MIL helps I'd just be grateful - after 20 years mine still doesn't appear to know when the kettle is and when FIL was still alive I would come in from work and she would pipe up "FIL was wondering if there were any beers" and I would say for the umpteenth time you know where they are so one of you get off your backside and deal with it "there a are some in the fridge and if you don't want lager, there's some bitter behind the cellar door".

Great to hear there are other couples out there not afraid of some male domestication. My DH does all the regular tasks like the washing, rubbish, recycling, feeding the cats, etc, and I do projects like install radiators, apply for planning permission, and painting and furnishing the house, etc. this division of labour has saved our marriage. He has always done his family's birthdays and Christmas, and I help with ideas to save his mum from Molton Brown shower gel for the third year running. We are struggling to start a family so feel v of those of you with interfering babysitters.

You have to find the right balance really. Both of us work full time and have two kids. I have a cleaner in school term time. I have a family planner and note in my diary all the birthdays, etc. I do all the organising because otherwise it would not get done. It used to annoy me at first but after 19 years of marriage I have just got used to it and don't mind. He is very domesticated and does his bit. His family have made comments about me being at home and not working. I am a career girl and I know that at first they found this difficult. I am the only one in husbands family that has gone back to work when having children. My inlaws would not help out with the children either so always paid for childminding. Although the other day my mother in law did say that my kids are lovely and I have brought them up well which was lovely. My husband and I live very different lives to our parents and in laws and I respect they did things differently and they have to respect we do things differently. Its what works for you.

I find this a pain with my in-laws - my cousin's wife actually got furious with my parents for contacting her husband instead of her and getting the wrong information about a wedding date - it wasn't his fault, poor little man, it was my mum's fault for stupidly going to a man for details like that!

TBH, I think it is an unthinking/accidental form of rudeness and I would say gently that your DH keeps track of family birthdays. I don't think adults should be asking for birthday cards/presents anyway.

I do cards for my MIL but that is because I like her as a person, not because DH doesn't remember her birthday.

Your DP's relatives birthdays are not your responsibility unless you have an explicit arrangement with your DP that you have taken over this responsibility from him. Tell your SILs and MIL! Ditto laundry/cleaning.

My mil once came round early one Saturday morning while DH was still in bed. She had a right go at me about her sisters birthday which we had forgotten. I listened and nodded for a bit, then remembered myself and told her that her son was upstairs and to go and have a go at him about it, she is NOT my auntie and he never buys my auntie a sodding thing, nor would she expect him to. They left sharpish!

I'd say it's the norm too.

When DH and I first go together, I got perfume as a christmas gift, since moving in together, I've had a hoover, a microwave and a slow cooker.

I hate domestic stuff given as gifts, DH knows this, as do my family, but I still thank his family and am gracious about it, no matter how presumptious I find it.

this reminds me of my SIL. Her DH and my DH (her brother) were going out fishing. She text me to say "making them a packed lunch, what flavour sandwiches does (my DH) like?"

I was

I text back, "I don't know, why don't you ask him?"

as 1)he's her brother???? and 2)how on earth would I know what flavour he wants in his sadwiches?

Very normal, but on the positive side, it seems each generation expects a little bit more from menfolk. My Gran once phoned -bollocking- my mum for "allowing" my Dad to go out on a cold-ish day without a coat and scarf on. My DH's Grandparents once watched open-mouthed in horror when his brother ironed his own workshirt instead of asking my SIL to do it for him!

You see, I'm not sure about that, I think male entitlement cascades down the generations. Men copy their fathers. My dad did lots, and still does. All the repairs etc but also cooking, ironing etc. My 96 year old grandmother recently said to me how lucky she'd been with my grandfather rolling his sleeves up. My MIL however prides herself on her menfolk never having to lift a finger. My DH sees intellectually that he should do his fair share but is your classic "tell me what to do and I'll do it" type. I was completely unprepared for this shit as I didn't grow up with it.

I will remind my husband if I happen to remember that a family birthday on his side is coming up but I won't buy the card myself. He claims his family don't really care about greetings cards. Which is good as they often don't get them!

I think it is the norm, though not in our house!

MIL once tried to give me advice on ironing DPs shirts when we first moved in together. I actually laughed, thinking she was joking - she wasn't.

I don't have the slighest idea when any of his family's birthdays are, it's honestly never occurred to me that it might be any of my business.

The dishwasher sounds like a generous gift though, and I'm sure it's well-meant. Would be nice if it was a present for both of you though, not just for you!