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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope my parents might babysit once in a while...?

94 replies

minko · 23/10/2011 16:46

My DH and I went out to a friends engagement party last night and my parents stayed overnight to babysit. We got back about lunchtime today and my mum immediately upped sticks and left. I said thanks and that we appreciated the babysitting and she said all huffily that 'yes, I should think so!'. She also moaned that might kids are too noisy, make too much mess, watch too much TV and wouldn't make their beds (they are 5 and 8). There also weren't enough breakfast options (cereal, toast porridge, eggs etc all available) and the house was too cold.

We don't ask them to babysit very often - maybe once every 6 weeks or so. I don't see what the hardship is, but I always feel guilty asking. It's like they think our lives are too easy, that we have too much money that we don't appreciate stuff etc etc...

I am really upset, but I just DON'T GET IT!

OP posts:

zukiecat · 23/10/2011 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 23/10/2011 17:56

Every 6 weeks is a lot, not 'once in a while'
Staying overnight is even more impressive, so sitting in the evening and the next day until lunch, that's not just a few hours as most people would consider sitting
if you are going to ask them to stay overnight, I would expect to have 'treat' food in for their breakfast, asking in advance what they want for breakfast and getting that in.

Send your mother some flowers to appologise for taking her for granted. If you had to pay for that you'd be paying £9 per hour for overnight childcare. Hell of a lot more than 1 bunch of flowers and some pain au chocolat for the morning.

Consider alternating between asking them and paying someone to sit (or trying to set up sitting swaps with other local mums) - if you push too hard you're risking her completely refusing to sit again.

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/10/2011 18:00

YABVU, your parents are being taken for granted - once every 6 weeks is a LOT especially with overnights.

You chose to have children, pay for a sitter instead of expecting everyone else to revolve around you. If you dont see what the hardship is then assume that works both ways so you wont mind not going out without the children.

Original poster

minko · 23/10/2011 18:14

OK, so every 6 weeks is 'a lot' apparently... We only seem to have one side of the argument here - what about the grandparents who can't get enough of it? Who pick kids up from school every other day. Who do school holiday work cover? Who don't seem to have a chip on their shoulders about us having life too easy and want to help?

Oh and this is the first time they've done overnight babysitting and only the 2nd time ever in our kids lives we've been away overnight. Oh and the heating was on high.

OP posts:

happygilmore · 23/10/2011 18:18

But they're still babysitting every six weeks, that is a lot. Not apparently, it is a lot! you don't sound very grateful to be honest.

mynewpassion · 23/10/2011 18:20

No wonder your mother huffed away. From your posts you seem very ungrateful and this is the side that you are putting out to share with us.

SenoritaViva · 23/10/2011 18:21

Minko not sure I understand your point about grandparents who do a lot? This isn't the issue is it? Are you saying that this is what you expect of your parents (lots of help etc.)

I think everyone (including myself) has commented on the 6 week aspect because they felt your folks were doing a lot and your title was misleading (can't they babysit once in a while, which they appear to do).

In the interest of continuing with the babysitting I would try to build bridges with your mum. Ask her what her expectations are and what she would like. She doesn't owe you anything, but she is trying to help and you could both work on making it as pleasant as possible. Perhaps the kids ran riot and she was at the end of her tether? Why don't you try to appease the situation rather than get cross, otherwise you're unlikely to get the help you have been getting in the future.

unavailable · 23/10/2011 18:21

OP, perhaps you should change your thread title to "AIBU to hope my parents will take over my parenting responsibilities whenever I ask them and be happy to do so"

That would reflect your position more accurately I think (and yW still BU)

troisgarcons · 23/10/2011 18:22

I don't think YABU.

DH & my parents died at the time of the brth of our children; we went from excited GPs who would have been totally hands on and "baby grabbing" at every oportunity to no family at all with in two years.

We often wonder what it would have been like if we'd had that support.

So no OP, YANBU at all - GPs should^ want to be involved. It's their loss but also its yours and your childrens that they don't have an enriched extended family.

I dont subscribe to the you had it you deal with it train of thought on MN. It's always very clear to see which posters didnt have stable upbringings.

happygilmore · 23/10/2011 18:22

Also, not sure who you are referring to as having a chip on their shoulder?

Sirzy · 23/10/2011 18:23

Your last post sounds like you want them to do pretty much everything for you!

Being a grandparent should have no expectations with it other than loving your grandchildren surely? If they want to do more/are willing to do more then fab but it should never be expected.

happygilmore · 23/10/2011 18:25

Troisgarcons, we have no help at all but I don't think that means no-one else should either! There's a world of difference between children who expect grandparents to be at their beck and call and having no help with your children, ever.

if the OP is the same to her mum as she is coming across now, then no wonder she feels taken advantage of.

bananamam · 23/10/2011 18:27

YABU and sound a little bonkers tbh....maybe your kids do watch to much tv and acted up due to GPs babysitting. Maybe you should chat to your kids about respect? I wouldn't appreciate babysitting children who won't listen. I'd love a babysitter every six weeks!!!

You did post in this section, you must know the responses you will receive

valiumredhead · 23/10/2011 18:28

Every 6 weeks sounds like heaven to me!

NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 18:28

You say in your op that you appreciate the baby sitting, but then say you don't get the hardship. Perhaps you didn't actually sound that appreciative. Perhaps next time ask what you could get in etc to make their stay enjoyable.

gothicangel · 23/10/2011 18:30

i agree with ilovedjasondonovan

your lucky,

fivegomadindorset · 23/10/2011 18:31

Could you answer the question please whether you told them you wouldn't be bakck until lunchtime as that seems to be the sticking point in your OP?

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/10/2011 18:31

Well in reality you've got it pretty good - ok others may have it better but most do not.

Free babysitting every 6 weeks is good.

But you know if you want more - get a babysitter like most of us do and use your parents less often and show some appreciation.

My in-laws just had my dcs for 2 nights but I made sure I'd made all food for them, baked cakes, bought their favourite chocolates etc and we're taking them out to dinner to say thank you.

SenoritaViva · 23/10/2011 18:32

I expect your kids DID watch too much TV. Bet they told the grandparents that you let them have it on ALL the time (or to that effect). Talk to your mum and find out what they did, what stories they told her. Laugh when she tells you, apologise and say 'oh mum, I'm so sorry they took you for an utter ride, I definitely don't let them do that'. I will speak to them about not doing this again (and if she babysits overnight again then let her know the house 'rules').

LydiaWickham · 23/10/2011 18:40

That's a lot of help, regardless of if other people get more. Most people get less than free childcare every six weeks.

Over night care is a big deal, did she know it would be lunchtime until you were back? If not, that's a bloody cheek. She may well have thought you would be back first thing and she could still do stuff today.

When MIL had DS overnight (only happened once in nearly 2 years) we turned up to pick him up with flowers to say thank you, did you think to do that? I certainly wouldn't have her stay here without checking if she'd like anything in particular for breakfast, and I would expect her to be told the family routine, the DCs threatened to behave and them to be told off if they were naughty.

Your update doesn't change that YABU - say sorry to your mum.

ladyintheradiator · 23/10/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapesOnAPlane · 23/10/2011 18:45

What did you give to thank them for babysitting?
Maybe they were displeased with it, I'm thinking you might have insensitively forgotten about an allergy and bought them flowers/chocolate with nuts/something else you should have known they didn't like.

Original poster

minko · 23/10/2011 18:45

Back for more bashing... I guess at the end of the day I am just a bit hurt that my parents don't want to see more of their grandkids. I'm not out to exploit them. They don't have any other grandchildren. They will ring if we haven't visited for more than a week, but even then mum moans about the noise and the mess. And yes my kids do make a lot of noise, watch too much telly etc. I do my best, maybe I am too soft.

OP posts:

SenoritaViva · 23/10/2011 18:53

Maybe you could outline what you do want from your parents OP?

So if you admit they watch too much telly and make a lot of noise (mine too, I'm not judging) then why is it so awful for your Mum to say it? Perhaps you can plan some activities for when they visit that are quieter. You know how when the kids aren't around and it is really peaceful you feel like it's a bit of shock to the system? Well for your parents it is the exact opposite...only worse. Your kids are old enough now to be respectful of their grandparents and start accommodating their behaviour a bit for them (but of course they'll forget at times which is absolutely fine). Perhaps then your mum will start enjoying them a bit more.

Visiting once a week is quite a bit as well, wish we lived close enough for that to happen with my folks and

justcallmemummypig · 23/10/2011 18:54

seriously, i would be so pathetically grateful if i was you.

Dh and i get one possibly 2 nights out together a year and that is 8 - 11, no overnights ever involved and our kids are 6 & 3. No one to help out, pick kids up from school etc. GP's are 60 miles away.

What about your dp's family?

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