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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset that my DH didn't call today to ask how DS got on at his first nursery session?

28 replies

Charliesangel2009 · 20/10/2011 21:15

I am probably BU and pathetic, I know. But my DS is 2 and has so far been looked after my my DM while I'm at work. She can't do it any more, so DS is starting nursery in 2 weeks.
Today was his 'starter' session and he was fine. Loved it! But it was hard for me to leave him when I've only ever left him with my DM.
I sobbed all the way round the supermarket (no change there!). My DM called and texted and so did a friend cos they knew I was going to be upset...
But DH didn't. I suspect he even forgot about it.
And I'm upset about that cos it was a big thing for me.
AIBU? Should I just man up and stop being so pathetic?
I'm a bit of a newbie here so please be kind!

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 20/10/2011 21:19

YAB(a little bit) U ... sorry.

Not much in your Dh's life has changed I assume? You pick your child up from DM or nursery? Your DH probably trusts that everything is fine unless he hears otherwise. My DH is not unfeeling, but is the same in that if he hears nothing negative from me, then there's nothing negative to fear.

Your DH probably knows that had there been any problem you would have told him.

Sure, it would have been nice for him to ask if YOU were okay, but really, there wasn't much need. This is what friends are for.. I had 3 text me when I went to the dentist. DH didn't text, he knew because I'd not sent him numerous [sadface] texts that I was probably okay.

Maybe its the difference in gender or the type of person he is, but he's not done anything WRONG really.

FourEyesGood · 20/10/2011 21:22

YABU, unless he's got the sort of job that doesn't involve any kind of responsibility or need for focus.
And I can't stand the phrase 'man up'.

items · 20/10/2011 21:23

Have to agree with the above. Don't make it an issue. Its been that way for him for a while and even though it would have been nice of him to call/message, its not worth getting upset or angry over. Good luck with the change though!

onepieceofcremeegg · 20/10/2011 21:25

I think you are being over sensitive but only you know about your relationship with your dh. If there are other issues between you then maybe this isn't just about your ds and nursery?

there have been times when I have been at work and I really need to focus at work (nurse) and dh has been doing stuff with the children. If for example one of them was having a new experience/appointment or whatever I would try and ring him. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to, and sometimes if I was focused on something at work I might not even remember.

Dh wouldn't call me on it, he understands it's not because I don't care but sometimes other priorities get in the way. And likewise it may happen the other way round, and I remind myself that my dh is a fab dad, but sometimes he is distracted by other things. However when the dds are with me (or with him for that matter) the other parents knows that they are fine and we try and go easy on each other as parents. :)

Georgimama · 20/10/2011 21:26

TBH my DH would have phoned me, but he is a phoner (sometimes to the extent it is annoying). No doubt your DH trusted that you had things under control and that was that.

As an aside why are you regularly sobbing your way round the supermarket? That doesn't sound good.

countessbabycham · 20/10/2011 21:27

I must admit that when my DC's went to childminder/nursery the first time I didn't call to check they were OK so I can understand your DH not calling you.I expect, like me,he reckoned your DS would be fine,therefore you would be.

However if you had said to DH you felt a little upset I would think it would be nice for him to ring you.

For what it's worth I don't think you're being pathetic.I thought I would be fine when my youngest went in for her first day at school and was completely taken by surprise when I absolutely crumbled!!!

Bunbaker · 20/10/2011 21:31

It simply wouldn't have occured to my husband to phone either. So I think you are a little bit U to expect a phonecall.

helpmabob · 20/10/2011 21:33

I actually don't think yabu. I would expect my dh to call to see how it all went. Childcare is his responsibility too.

BimboNo5 · 20/10/2011 21:57

YABU, its a taster session at nursery, not a first day at school.

Original poster

Charliesangel2009 · 20/10/2011 22:01

Thank you all. I am very sensitive, I know. Which is why I wanted to get some perspective on this. I have a responsible job too so I know how it can be when you're at work. There was no problem (only my unfounded worries) so he didn't need to call. And if there had been problems I would have called him.
So thank you all again. It has made me feel loads better getting your thoughts. It was the first time I have posted anything of significance so I'm really grateful for your comments.
I'll shut up now and go and hold DH's hand on the sofa

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2011 22:04

Mine wouldn't have called specially to ask that question. It would have been the first thing he asked as he walked through the door that evening though. Sometimes I think that when you are the main carer, the other parent assumes all is ok during the day unless they hear otherwise, but is happy to have a chat about it when they get home. eg. Unless one of mine is ill, DH wouldn't ring during the day just to discuss the children. He would probably have asked how nursery had gone if he'd rung me for something else.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2011 22:07

, Charlies! I think this sort of thing is different for men, anyway. Not sure they get as emotional about it all as mums - we get all angsty and worry the whole time they are there, but a dad in the same position would just put the kettle on and switch Sky Sports News on with not another thought till it was time to pick them up again.

troisgarcons · 20/10/2011 22:11

can i be completey honest?

I've been married 18 years. My husband still texts me every mid-morning. He phones within 30 seconds of me walking through the door at night. All to see if 'Im having a nice day'. At that point all I want is a coffee, alone.

Mid morning Im working, I do not need the clutterance of banal 'home talk'.... come 4.30 i do not want another banal conversation on the in's and out's of my day - that's what evenings are for.

You would think, after 18 years of me habitually mentioning that phones and mobile devices are the devils own tool, he would take a hint.

He likes all the homey-fluffy-stuff - I hate it. In need I will phone him to impart a child has had an eye gouged out playing rugger and there might be an A&E expedition if I cant put it back in with super glue.

I do not need a constant update to tell me my packed lunch was devine. Nor to tell me there is a golf day 10 months hence. Nor to tell me the traffic is shite. Does he listen? does he? no.

I love him more than I could ever tell you - but Im not sure he has a clue after 18 years what makes me tick.

I really cant get my head round this entire "needy" feedback culture.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2011 22:36

, troisgarcons! Sorry for laughing when it's obviously how frustrated you are about it! God, I'd hate that too. None of it would cross my DH's mind anyway, though, as his work is pretty full on so he doesn't get a chance to call. Is yours bored with his job? Doesn't he have enough to do? I just don't understand how working people get the time to have these banal situations.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2011 22:36

banal conversations

Original poster

Charliesangel2009 · 20/10/2011 22:39

Thank you again everyone. I should add that when he came home he did ask how it went. And did give me a hug. As I said, I know I'm a sensitive idiot at times which is why I posted here for opinions. Thanks x

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2011 22:41

Awwww!!! There you go, then!! He does care!

Original poster

Charliesangel2009 · 20/10/2011 22:42

Ps Georgimama I only sob around the supermarket because I hate shopping (and it's only sobbing on the inside)

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 20/10/2011 22:43

He has a very full on job - and as I've posted i work in a school. I keep my moble down my bra - I so so not need 'tit tingle' when I'm in the middle of a classroom incident. I HATE (yes HATE) mobiles - they should only be used in emergencies.

whatdoiknowanyway · 20/10/2011 23:33

Other end of the scale, the day I took my father(who had dementia and could no longer live safely on his own) into the wonderful home that cared for him in the last months of his life, DH rang to see how things had gone but not one of my (many) siblings thought to. I was devastated.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 23:34

YABU. Glad he asked when he got home errrm like a normal loving dad and husband

Hardgoing · 21/10/2011 00:02

I certainly didn't call my husband when he was home all day with our dd2. I assumed everything was fine when I kissed them goodbye and didn't really think about them til I was driving into the parking space at the end of the day. It's easy to get caught up in your work, but I would always ask about the significant event once home. Your husband sounds nice, I think it's just difficult adjusting to a new situation but you will.

Bunbaker · 21/10/2011 06:28

"Ps Georgimama I only sob around the supermarket because I hate shopping"

Have you tried online shopping? I was reluctant at first, but it was a revelation to me.

callmemrs · 21/10/2011 06:59

Yabu. Its not a measure of how interested he is or how much he cares. No doubt he asked and discussed it once he got home. It wouldn't occur to me to phone about such a thing while I'm at work. Obviously an urgent or stressful situation is different , and id want to keep in touch. But this wasn't.'i expect your dh assumed all would be fine- which it was

Georgimama · 21/10/2011 07:15

Oh I hate supermarkets, they are full of other people shudder. Online every week here, I can do the online shop in less than the time it would take me to drive to the nearest supermarket, whilst BFing, in my pyjamas.

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