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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hide this text from H?

97 replies

nickschick · 19/10/2011 08:27

We have 3 ds,ds1 is 18.

Ds1 is at uni but lives at home,whilst he has a strained relationship with H (H favours ds2 -other threads show this) anyway yesterday ds1 sent me a text saying ...'I love you y'know Mum x',I replied why? what are u doing/have done? to get a reply saying 'nothing I just love ya'.......H asked me who the text was from and luckily my neighbour had just texted too so I said her.

H refers sometimes to ds1 as my little boyfriend/best friend etc etc - because ds1 although he is a lazy pest will often accompany me to the shops to carry my bags,will walk out with me with the dog so im not alone in the dark etc

and

because he paid £10 for a sunbed course for me!!

(ds1 hates the fact i dont spend much on myself and has treated me to the sunbed this is with money he's saved up and under his own steam.

Now H makes me feel weird .

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2011 04:22

OP... Your DS1 is a young adult. Later on he is probably going to look back and wonder why. Ditto your younger children. Our job as parents is to protect our children, sometimes that means protecting them from the other parent. At the moment, you are all that your DS1 has, his relationship with you and his dad is all that he knows; later on he'll have other relationships which will open his eyes. It's not his job to be your protector and champion, it is yours to be HIS.

From your OP, you've gone from and astoundingly horrible situation to 'happy families' all within the same day. You're putting the focus on what your son buys you and why. It's irrelevant. You can believe everything's rosey in the garden if you want to, it sounds as if you're desperate to hold on to your husband whatever he does. His behaviour to your sons is disgusting and quite honestly, so is yours because you're letting it happen instead of doing your job and prioritising your childrens' welfare.

Yours is one of the saddest threads I've read in a very long time. I've often wondered how situations where a parent harms their children can happen, how another parent can seemingly stand by and watch it all; now I know. I expect that you'll be more careful what you post in future, you don't seem overly concerned at the cause/effect to your children in the situation you've posted about today. I can understand that you feel 'wounded' but honestly, what use are platitudes? Acceptance by strangers that you're in the 'right' when you're not? Your situation is seemingly not ringing any alarm bells for you at all... it does to me, loud and clear, and that's why I've bothered to respond.

runningwilde · 20/10/2011 06:45

Amazing how things have suddenly changed in the op's household

Lyingwitch says it all perfectly

OchAyeTheNooPal · 20/10/2011 08:43

OP I just want to shake you and make you open your eyes but I suspect it would make no difference. I cannot believe you have allowed your 3 DC to grow up around this vile man and you have stood by and done nothing!

LyingWitch has summed everything I was thinking anyway especially your behaviour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2011 10:54

OP's profile was open before; she had a photo of (presumably) DS1. No photos of the other children though. Most mothers who have profiles with photos have photos of all their children.

I don't feel that the relationship the OP has with her eldest son is 'normal'. He's become the focus of her attention and the 'man in her life' because he treats her well and that's not a role that he should have to put up with.

I hope that DS1 will move away from home when he settles at uni; he needs new, positive influences in his life and the chance to be a sibling at home.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 20/10/2011 12:53

Actually witch she only put that photo up to show the difference a brace can make, I remember the thread [hblush]

Fuck I need to get out more. [hhmm]

loopylou6 · 20/10/2011 13:02

Erm, op is an amazing mother to her 3 boys, you can not judge her just on what she posts about this situation, some of the stuff you have said about her is vile and I'm glad I don't have you for a friend.

Having said that I agree you need to leave H and you know this op.

loopylou6 · 20/10/2011 13:03

Correct toastie, I meant to add that.

PosiesOfPoison · 20/10/2011 13:08

OP. Have you forgotten that your DH made you feel weird about your own son? He didn't do that by accident, he wanted you to feel weird.

PenguinsAreThePoint · 20/10/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 20/10/2011 13:17

Sorry but your DH is a twat.

DS1 tells everyone who will listen that he loves me to bits and that makes DH happy. As it should.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2011 13:17

loopylou.... That's your opinion. It isn't mine. A mother would not do this, stand by and see her children treated this way. A decent one, anyway. We all have different standards. One can only judge by what the OP has posted so... take it up with her.

loopylou6 · 20/10/2011 13:18

What's your point penguin? (apart from penguins)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2011 13:18

ApocalypseCheeseToastie... Fair enough.

loopylou6 · 20/10/2011 13:19

Yes but I actually know the op so I'm well able to give an educated answer that she is a fab mum.

Hardgoing · 20/10/2011 13:26

Although I would find the odd pressie, in addition to birthday and Christmas, very sweet, I actually would find it odd to have my children constantly 'treating' me in this way, earring, vouchers, texts and so on. It is very much a reassuring role, done to make someone feel better. I would want my children to be thinking about what to buy their first girlfriend or spend the money on a night out, not feeling guilty if they got some money and then buying things to make their mum feel better (one-off's like I say, fine, but this is quite a lot of gift-buying and general attentiveness). Especially if he is living at home, so plenty of time for chats and general being thankful in everyday life.

I don't see it as sinister, and if my husband said anything like that I simply don't know what I'd do I'd be so disgusted. But it is a rather unhealthy relationship dynamic that has been allowed to develop whereby the dd2 is the 'bad one' for the mother and the 'good one' for the father. I do think everyone is responsible for this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2011 13:28

That's still just your opinion, loopylou, it doesn't change what OP posted. You can think what you like. I'll carry on thinking that this isn't what a 'fab mum' would do.

mumsamilitant · 20/10/2011 13:39

Sounds like H was jealous when DS1 was born and hasn't grown out of it. Nasty childish little man.

Your DS sounds fab. Sadly he must know all this.

Still at the end of the day he has you.

My mum always favoured my other two sisters over me. But I was my Dads blue eyes.

Family dynamics.

WindingMeUp · 23/10/2011 14:52

nickschick So all of a sudden your DH has realised he is wrong and everything has changed and is now fine? What about the years and years worth of damage he has done?!

Has is occured to you that you son gets you all these presents because he feels incredibly insecure within his family? That seems very likely to me. He is trying to ensure that YOU at least will continue to love him. Misguided perhaps but then he hasn't had the best teachers has he.

Keep burying your head in the sand all you like but your children will not thank you for it. How will you feel if in 10 years time none of your children wants anything to do with you because of what you stood by and let happen, and all you have left in your life is your shithead pathetic husband? Is he worth it? Really?

loopylou6 It really doesn't make much difference if you know the OP, best friends/relations etc don't always know what goes on behind closed doors so I don't see how you can be so sure that you do.

MrBloomsNursery · 23/10/2011 15:13

Well I actually searched your name OP the first day I replied to this thread, because everyone was going on about how you always post the same problem you have with your DH and DS's, and I found one from back in February where you have basically stated the same things you have written here. So it isn't another poster. It is you.

You need to let your DS1 go, and you need to stand up and be more assertive to your husband. He is making filthy accusations about you and your DS, but you don't seem to care? You just keep quiet? Your husband is a sick twisted man and I can tell there is emotional abuse going on. You need to get away from him, and take your children with you too. He is only going to end up turning you into a shell of a person (sounds like you're already halfway there), and messing your children up for life.

WindingMeUp · 23/10/2011 18:27

Not sure if this is allowed but . . .

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1140244-come-and-tell-me-my-H-is-being-a-nob?watched=1

It's very relevant.

I think you should re-read it OP. This isn't a one off and it's not suddenly going to be sorted seeing as it's been going on so long. I can see why you got defensive but you need to forget that long enough to really read what you have written.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/10/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/10/2011 14:25

Have you thought about this more OP?

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