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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hide this text from H?

97 replies

nickschick · 19/10/2011 08:27

We have 3 ds,ds1 is 18.

Ds1 is at uni but lives at home,whilst he has a strained relationship with H (H favours ds2 -other threads show this) anyway yesterday ds1 sent me a text saying ...'I love you y'know Mum Smilex',I replied why? what are u doing/have done? to get a reply saying 'nothing I just love yaSmile'.......H asked me who the text was from and luckily my neighbour had just texted too so I said her.

H refers sometimes to ds1 as my little boyfriend/best friend etc etc - because ds1 although he is a lazy pest will often accompany me to the shops to carry my bags,will walk out with me with the dog so im not alone in the dark etc

and

because he paid £10 for a sunbed course for me!!

(ds1 hates the fact i dont spend much on myself and has treated me to the sunbed this is with money he's saved up and under his own steam.

Now H makes me feel weird Sad.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 19/10/2011 11:37

Would you say you favour Ds1 over say, Ds2 OP?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/10/2011 11:42

Growing up in a household where favouratism exists is extremely damaging. All the :( faces in the world won't take away the damage that has, and is, being done. You sound so passive in this, OP, which is not the case. It isn't just happening in your home, you could do something about it and probably should have done years ago tbh.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 19/10/2011 11:59

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I can't believe that OP is so blase about this. There's definite 'enjoyment', that's coming across loud and clear. Has OP considered that not only might her precious relationship with her son suffers later on but also that of his relationship with his siblings, particularly DS2? Urgh... the whole scenario is horrible and completely weird

I completely agree, it's fucked up! It will probably affect their relationships with others as well, girlfriends etc. They have learnt it all wrong.

gothicangel · 19/10/2011 12:56

what a lovely son you have :)

xx

FabbyChic · 19/10/2011 13:28

You s hould have let your eldest go away to uni, he would have had a much better time, why would you want him to stay at home with a father who is jealous of his relationship with his mother.

I could not live with a man like that, one who takes out his own insecurities on his own child.

I'd get rid of him over my children for sure.

Original poster
nickschick · 19/10/2011 18:18

Thanks for the lovely replies - I understand you all have thoughts and do take them on board but for the less than nice ones let me tell you I certainl;y have no favourites and thats very clear in my family- I have 3 dc who I love to bits and ds2 as challemging as he can be is 100% my son too and I love him to bits.

Dh for all his ways isnt all bad (before you shout dv or abuse or leave the bastard).

I should have known better really than post in aibu Sad but its well known that my boys are very well looked after and cared for (probabkly a bit too much thats why ds1 didnt live out for uni).

Anyway thanks for your responses Thanks.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 19/10/2011 18:29

Your DH is jealous and also quite probably embarrassed that his own son is showing him up for the inconsiderate man he is.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/10/2011 18:46

You 'allow' your husband to have a favourite and to disfavour your other two sons. I've no idea what your husband is like but I can tell you that I wouldn't be married to somebody like that and there are no saving graces that would offset that behaviour, I couldn't put up with it and it's totally aside from the nasty comments your husband has made to you. It's up to you whether you'd accept those or not but favouritism towards one child over the others? Not in a million years.

I'm amazaed that you think that posting the same on any other board would get you a different response but good luck to you.

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 18:55

Nickschick, I remember previous threads from you.

This H is beyond toxic! Never mind abusive (which he is actually, iirc!) He's poisonous. We ALL told you that the last time!

Now your golden boy son is behaving badly? Iirc, you were warned that might happen, MNers have so much exxperience with vile sick bastards like your H.

How DARE he be so vile to 2 out of 3 of his children? He's going to mess them ALL up somehow, and you know this. But you allow it to continue.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 19/10/2011 18:57

He's completely fucked up, OP, you know that right? And he's fucking up your three lovely boys. Even - in fact most especially - the golden boy DS2.

I know you don't want to hear it but as their only non-crazy parent you have a responsibility to stop this, to protect them.

I remember your old threads.

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 19:01

DS didn't live out as you say, because he doesn't trust his dad with you! Your sick H (and you enabling him) have created a flawed environment where your boys don't have a sound enough foundation to be able to become men themselves.

I'm cross with you, that you're not preventing this cruelty to your 3 boys and yourself. I'd tell you that on any board that you choose to post on.

runningwilde · 19/10/2011 19:27

Bloody hell, what a horrid little man your dh is! Your son sounds amazing!

AnyPhantomFucker · 19/10/2011 19:28

nickschick lovely

You know those threads where someone comes on and describes a horrendous situation that not one poster can find anything redeeming within ?

Then the OP backtracks and says "it's not that bad really, and he is a good father really and he doesn't hate me really" ?

But it is that bad

You just did one, all of your own

Sad
runningwilde · 19/10/2011 19:30

I think you are in denial OP, I agree with lyingwitch

discrete · 19/10/2011 19:40

Nickschick, my dh could have been your ds1

His father was always jealous of him. He did weird things just like that. He was a very charming, outwardly plausible man.

Dh has never forgiven his mother for not standing up to his father. Over time, he has eroded all her relationships and isolated her from her children, her grandchildren, etc.

People like that are poisonous.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/10/2011 19:43

I don't know the OP at all, I've not read any of her other posts but this thread just made me feel sick to my stomach. Delusional beyond belief, OP believes that her boys are well cared for. The sad thing is there will be repercussions, there can't fail to be if what's posted is true. There will be sorry ramifications across the whole family and OP is as neglectful as her (now all of a sudden) 'D'H is cruel.

Don't kid yourself, OP, you're no better parent if you allow this to continue. I feel deeply sorry for your sons.

HollywoodAgentForTheLivingDead · 19/10/2011 19:50

Please don't put the answers posters have given to you down to it being in AIBU OP.

For a father to angrily think in the heat of the moment that his son is like his mothers boyfriend, is one thing.

For him to put that into words and use it against his wife and his son, is something completely different, and I'm with Lying and find it rather sinister behaviour.

It makes me ask myself why he would do that.

And coupled with the way he treats your other two children, these are things that define a childhood and marriage, rather than be trivial compared to his redeeming points, as you have suggested.

I can understand how knowing the situation fully as you do (and obviously can't put into just one thread) may have normalised this mans behaviour over a long period of time, but from the outside, it's far, far from normal.

I would call it twisted and deviant.

You need to do something to redress it before it's too late.

HerScaryness · 19/10/2011 21:59

LOoooong gone peeps.

We'll have to wait for the next thread she posts to have another chance of helping her see that there is only one way out of this, and that is to GET out.

Sad
runningwilde · 19/10/2011 22:24

Ah but she won't, will she

clam · 19/10/2011 22:34

Sounds to me as if your (lovely) son doesn't think much of the way your DH treats you, if he feels you need to be taken care of a bit more.

theredhen · 19/10/2011 22:40

DH is jealous. Jealous that you have a good relationship with someone else.

Forget whether it is DS1, DS3, your mother, your best friend etc. It's the same thing. This isn't about DS1 although it must affect him badly.

Plenty of men get jealous of their own children. I don't get it or understand it but I do know it happens and have seen it happen with several friends.

Don't let him put his insecurities and issues onto you and DS1.

AnyPhantomFucker · 19/10/2011 22:48

TRH you must know a lot of inadequate men

I can honestly say I have only known one man like this, in all my 40+ years

The fact he is my father makes it rather more significant to me personally but I disagree with the statement that "plenty of men" are like this

They are not

And nor should it be tolerated on those grounds...excusing it just lets these twats off the hook and gives them free reign to fuck up their kids

Original poster
nickschick · 19/10/2011 23:08

Can I say I think that you may have mistaken me with another poster?? I havent really done any other threads about my personal stuff with dh on here.

Ive moaned and grumbled but not to the extent of the slating im getting here.

Ive spoken to H about all this and ive spoken to ds1 and ds2 - ds1 is getting on better with h -after keeping him at a distance all of a sudden h appears to have realised he was wrong - ds2 has been a tad nicer lately since I blew up and had a mad rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickschick · 19/10/2011 23:12

I spoke to ds about the little treats he gets me and he said ' all the time when we were small everything we wanted we got,and I like to see you happy and if my friends are going to the pub after uni I dont drink my money away and if I want to treat you I will - then he gave me some ear rings Smile.

Want to say as well that h has been hugging ds1 and generally things are looking up.

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 19/10/2011 23:20

Your ds sounds truly wonderful, clearly all your hard work.

I don't see how you can be with a man who treats his own flesh and blood with such distain!