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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hide this text from H?

97 replies

nickschick · 19/10/2011 08:27

We have 3 ds,ds1 is 18.

Ds1 is at uni but lives at home,whilst he has a strained relationship with H (H favours ds2 -other threads show this) anyway yesterday ds1 sent me a text saying ...'I love you y'know Mum Smilex',I replied why? what are u doing/have done? to get a reply saying 'nothing I just love yaSmile'.......H asked me who the text was from and luckily my neighbour had just texted too so I said her.

H refers sometimes to ds1 as my little boyfriend/best friend etc etc - because ds1 although he is a lazy pest will often accompany me to the shops to carry my bags,will walk out with me with the dog so im not alone in the dark etc

and

because he paid £10 for a sunbed course for me!!

(ds1 hates the fact i dont spend much on myself and has treated me to the sunbed this is with money he's saved up and under his own steam.

Now H makes me feel weird Sad.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 19/10/2011 09:29

YABU. I would have to tackle my H about this. It's not right. He obviously has a major issue with your oldest and he shouldn't be favouring any child.
The fact that you have to hide a text when he should be the first person you show it to suggests to me he is quite controlling.

Original poster
nickschick · 19/10/2011 09:29

Thetenant, ds doesnt have a gf at the moment not bcos hes not interested but because he 'needs' to get his degree first,in his own words hes said that,my friends all say that a lucky girl will get ds (think cougars Wink)-hes always been like this he used to leave me half a kit kat on my pillowHmm or give me his best pokemon cards Smile.

OP posts:
ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/10/2011 09:33

He's basically insinuating there is something 'incestuous' between you and ds.

That is absolutely fucking disgusting, you need to have a talk, a big one.

A good old fashioned screechfest pointing out what a vile little cretin he is can only do him he world of good tbh. And you !

Original poster
nickschick · 19/10/2011 09:39

Ds1 heard him and said to him 'thats just weird it would even be in your head'....then he said to me that H had said that so I would feel odd and that hed be in control of me.

it all sounds v deep when i type it but it is like h is jealous.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 19/10/2011 09:49

I wonder what your DH's relationship with his siblings/mother was like. Did he have a brother who he felt was closer to his mum, and was jealous of that?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 09:51

This is so sad OP. You have a lovely son, and a husband who resents his eldest andregards him as a rival. Sad

Witchofthenorth · 19/10/2011 09:55

I find it incredibly disturbing that your husband has this view of your relationship with your son! Your boy sounds like a gem and I can only hope mine will be like that at 18 :) (he is only 8 just now)

I would be dealing with this issue and at the risk of sounding dramatic, this kind of behaviour, which is basically your husband being jealous of HIS sons relationship with you, would be a deal breaker for me. My DH is under no illusion that if our kids came between us (and it would need to be extreme behaviour like you have described, not normal growing up stuff) it would be the kids first all the way.......and he is of the same view.

Deal with this now OP, it will only get worse, this man needs help!

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/10/2011 09:57

I really feel for you, OP. My father is jealous of my oldest brother and always told my mother that she favoured him. Maybe she did a bit because my father is not the nicest of people and my brother was always good to her. The issues have never been resolved. Sad

If I were you I would try and get this sorted now, but I would be surprised if that happens as your DS is now at uni. A lot of time has passed now.

witchyhills · 19/10/2011 10:02

This is awful, I'm so sorry
Can you not discuss this seriously with your husband

MrsHuxtable · 19/10/2011 10:04

Your son sounds lovely and your husband sounds weird.

lemmein · 19/10/2011 10:10

I couldn't put up with this. Your husband is implying your relationship with your lovely son is incestuous so you feel uncomfortable about how you interact with him- it sounds like its working if you feel like you need to hide his texts!

Of course he knows its untrue, but its all about control. Its vile and it needs to be stopped before he completely wrecks the bond you have. How would he like it if you did the same about his relationship with your other son? Hes dirtying the relationship purposely - please dont let him do it.

PosiesOfPoison · 19/10/2011 10:13

Seems to me DS1 probably knows how his father feels and thinks he has to buy you things to make you love him, because of his father not you.

I would seriously struggle to stay in a relationship with a man who was a wanker toward his own son, especially if that son was also mine.

FunnyHaHaPeculiar · 19/10/2011 10:16

wow your son sounds just like mine, he pays for me to have my hair done, berates me for not spending money on myself and walks the dogs with me. I am so proud of him and wish everyone could have a son like him.

kick your old man in the nuts, then go back and do it again

FunnyHaHaPeculiar · 19/10/2011 10:18

H said oh as soon as he gets a girlfriend he wont bother with you.

oh and thats rubbish. I am still as close to mine as ever, and he has had a gf for years, and spoils her rotten as well

FrightNight · 19/10/2011 10:20

If I'd got that text it would have made my heart explode.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse in my humble opinion.

Ditto DS2.

cakeoclock · 19/10/2011 10:23

I think your ds realises what an idiot your h is and it 'taking care of you' as he thinks you deserve better. Bless him, you have a lovely son. I think your dh realises your ds is growing up to be a better man than he is and can't take it. Idiot.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 19/10/2011 10:23

What a lovely son you have. I bet your son think he has a pretty fantastic mum too! Smile

But how sad.

It also seems like your ds1 is bright enough to see the family dynamics between you and your husband, and that he feels really sorry for you. Sad

EricNorthmansMistress · 19/10/2011 10:34

Your husband sounds completely horrible.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 19/10/2011 10:56

H refers sometimes to ds1 as my little boyfriend/best friend etc etc

He sounds pathetic and jealous! Really why are you with him? He's a terrible father! A really, really terrible father. The most basic thing is to treat your children equally and love them all the same, not begrudge them attention for their other parent and not to teach one of your children (DS2) to treat their mum badly.

Seriously, your children are going to be messed up! They will resent each other and probably copy the same patterns of behaviour in their own relationships throughout their lives. Is that what you want? Your children will learn from their father that this is what you do. And they will learn from you that it is acceptable because you have allowed it to continue by staying with him.

You oldest will have issues as he will wonder why his dad doesn't love him and will wonder why it's wrong to be close to his mum.

This thread has made me feel sick, really, really sick. This is very wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/10/2011 11:03

I haven't read any other responses yet but your OP made me feel so angry towards you, OP. You knowingly conspire with your husband to allow him to show favouritism to one of your sons. You might have a good relationship with your 'disfavoured' son now but there's a good chance that he'll hate you later on when he realises that you've facilitated this.

I can't imagine any mother who would accept this kind of behaviour from their husbands/partners/whomever. No woman that I would consider a other would do that. You must be getting something out of this 'situation'. What is that, I wonder?

Your poor kids... ALL of them. They deserve better than you and your 'husband'. Angry

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 19/10/2011 11:22

You must be getting something out of this 'situation'. What is that, I wonder?

A special close relationship with the oldest son probably, with no competition from his dad. This whole situation is sick.

MorelliOrRanger · 19/10/2011 11:28

Wow OP - your son sounds lovely and what a dick your husband is to not only say those things but to even think them.

What a weirdo :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/10/2011 11:32

I can't believe that OP is so blase about this. There's definite 'enjoyment', that's coming across loud and clear. Has OP considered that not only might her precious relationship with her son suffers later on but also that of his relationship with his siblings, particularly DS2? Urgh... the whole scenario is horrible and completely weird. :(

MrBloomsNursery · 19/10/2011 11:35

...That is very strange. You're husband sounds like a lunatic. And to refer to your son as your boyfriend, is just plain disgusting, and gives a window into your husband's vile thoughts and how his sick brain works.

I get a feeling that you are somehow scared of him? Because why on earth would you hide a text from him? Does he get angry with the time you spend with DS1? Does he refer to DS1 as "best friend" "boyfriend" in joke form, or is he serious when he says it?

I don't really know what to say, apart from how much I feel sorry for your DS1, who sounds lovely. I also feel sorry for you, because you sound like you have to walk on eggshells around this man.

scuzy · 19/10/2011 11:35

i have to say as much as i am shocked at your husband's behaviour to his own son ... he is also YOUR son and you are allowing this to happen. your son is 18 now but has it been this way all his life? i feel my heart break for this kid. a father who doesnt obviously like him and a mother who doesnt stand up for him!

why hide the text? why be with a man that thinks like that? eugh!!

i will say you do sound like a loving mum with a wonderful ds. but its not enough! how is your other child treated by this man?

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