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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just about had enough of so called friend

15 replies

BimboNo5 · 18/10/2011 09:28

The last time I saw her was 6 weeks ago, it was an invite from her to go to her to her house. Since then ive invited her round here, to meet up town for coffee, its always been 'no thanks/im a bit busy etc'
She has since split up with her fella and has now got in touch. I was of course happy to offer a shoulder to cry on etc as thats what friends do. We arranged to meet for a coffee today. I could have done with going to the docs as soon as possible but the only appointment was the time we were meant to be meeting so I said i'd arrange one for tommorow.
She has now said she cant make it (only after I text her to ask where she wanted to meet!) and I must admit my temper has got the better of me and I have told her im sick of being dangled like a carrot and saved for when she has nothing better to do/suits her. She said she never asked me to cancel anything (which no to be fair she didnt) but I explained that I thought she needed a chat so didnt want to let her down.
She has replied with a thanks mate stick the boot in a bit more type comment which I was expecting but im just wondering if its time to forget all about this one sided friendship?

OP posts:

Angel786 · 18/10/2011 09:32

Yabu, it's only a minor bump in the road. Just be there for her if she needs you, but don't cancel or rearrange anything. Hopefully the situation will lighten.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 18/10/2011 09:35

She is possibly just genuinely busier than you.
It is better not to take it personal if a friend cant meet up or has to cancel arrangements. It happens.

mumeeee · 18/10/2011 09:38

YABU. She probably is busier than you. Also she's just split up with her fella so will be going through a bit of a tough time.

Rollon2012 · 18/10/2011 09:41

We can't really answer this , is she generally self centred lets you down?
if its not a usual thing perhaps let it slide?

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 18/10/2011 09:41

She will be going through a tough time yes but this is the umpteenth time she's blown me out and only ever wants to do things at times that suit her. I didnt push the matter just waited for her to get in touch with me regards splitting with her fella, which is when she arranged to meet today. I just feel she puts no effort into our 'friendship' and I have to bend over backwards to accomodate her. Im fairly busy myself what with working full time and having the kids etc.

OP posts:

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 18/10/2011 09:46

YANBU about the meeting today, she should have contacted you as soon as she realised she wasn't able to come instead of waiting for you to get in touch and cancelling then.

It's possible that she has been unavailable for the past few weeks because her relationship was breaking up and she wasn't feeling very sociable, or because she was keeping herself busy to distract herself.

But I don't blame you for feeling upset or angry if you are feeling fobbed off and neglected by her and as though you are doing all the running, especially if you are feeling ill as well.

Only you really know if this is a bad patch in a friendship worth saving or if it's time to give it up and concentrate on friends who do have time for you.

AMumInScotland · 18/10/2011 09:48

If you feel used, then it's time to reconsider how you approach the friendship. I can't say if you're right or wrong to on the basis of what you've put down - there's arguments either way. But it sounds like this one was the last straw in a long list of similar - if you're only interesting when she has nothing better to do, then you may need to adjust where she is on your list of priorities to reflect where you feel you are on hers.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 18/10/2011 09:51

Shes been the same when shes been single tbh. This is a fairly new relationship and while I am sympathetic and always there for her when shes ready to talk it always IS when shes ready- and stuff what I have to rearrange etc.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 18/10/2011 09:54

She does not sound like a friend.

I have had "friends" like that. The easiest way to end the friendship, I have found, it to see how long it takes them to call ME. Usually, they dont. It is a good test, it might show you that this friendship has run its course.

Dont be so available!

MosEisley · 18/10/2011 09:56

I think YANBU to feel a bit miffed. Don't take it personally, though. Probably she's just busy / distracted. Wait for her to contact you and only arrange to meet her if you don't mind being let down on that day. Then any good times you have with her will be a bonus rather than an expectation.

If it doesn't happen, just let it slide. Some friends are for life, most come and go.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/10/2011 09:56

I think the problem is that you are going out of your way to see her, but she isn't going out of her way to see you. Therefore it is an unequal 'friendship'.

I think she was at fault for only cancelling the latest meet up when you sent her a text. If she wasn't able to make it, then she ought to be the one calling you, to cancel and apologise.

You need to stop chasing her and let her come to you. If she wants to see you, she'll phone and make the effort. If she doesn't then this relationship will fizzle out and you'll know where you stand.

Personally, I have no patience with people who continually cancel plans. It's rude and shows a lack of respect for your time. Mind you, this might be why I have quite a lot of acquaintances and few real friends.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 18/10/2011 09:57

The thing is i DID leave it, then she got in touch to say her and her fella had split up, lets meet for coffee. When however I put myself out to arrange it she always cancels.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 18/10/2011 09:59

Next time be busy. Dont rearrange anything. Let her have the puzzling experience of putting the phone down without a coffee meet up in her diary, but a "I will call you when I am less busy as the next couple of weeks are chocca block for me". Then wait a few weeks.

grumplestilskin · 18/10/2011 10:05

3 choices IMO.

Arrange to do coffee when you actually do have nothing better to do and it doesn't matter if it doesn't happen, and cancel if a better option comes up. I do this with one friend, when she's around she's great and I can completely open my heart to her I trust her 100% with anything I tell her, but I know that 2/3rds of the time she cancels stuff, so I only keep time free-ish for her and if I see her, GREAT! if I don't, well I hadn't put anything important off or turned down other later offers for it!

keep doing what you're doing till you blow a fuse and fall out

step away from the friendship, for a while at least

with 1 I don't get wound up anymore like I used to when I rellied on our 'appointments' and still get my great friend to share my deepest darkest secrets with, but if it was someone who didn't have other great things going for them I'ld just do 3.

thebananawitchproject · 18/10/2011 10:36

I agree with others, just back away if it's causing you this much grief. I had a friend like that, was always oh-so-busy until she had nowt better to do. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was 2 phone calls on a friday asking me to go to a party with her that night 'as she couldn't think of anyone else she'd rather go with' meaning she'd been blown out by her other options . She phoned on the day of the party, expecting me to drop everything, miraculously get a sitter and take a holiday seeing as I work 'til 9pm on fridays, all at less than 4 hours notice. I politely reminded her that I can't just get a sitter with no notice, I worked fridays and if she genuinely wanted me to attended with her, she should have given me more notice. She would also often forget I was on her facebook friends list and when she was giving me feeble excuses about not having time to socialise blah blah, she was posting her social exploits all over her facebook pages.

Some friends aren't worth the effort, and I decided to just back off and leave her and a few others of the same ilk to it. Much happier as a result You are not in her 'must make time for' list of friends, so just back away and it'll fizzle out eventually.

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