To think my sister should just go back to work

[allmyfriendsaremarried]

I know everyone is having a tough time at the moment but I am beginning to wonder if my sister is being unrealistic about being a SAHM. She has a 4 year old (now at school) and a one year old. Her husband works for the council in what was a well paid job but due to cut backs they are beginning to struggle financially. Personally I would think that returning to some sort of part time work would be beneficial for all now. She is very funny about this sort of thing and thinks that pre school child care is the work of the devil and that mums who return to work are bad mothers. Most of my friends with babies have returned to work once their children are one years old mainly for financial reasons and I can see they are not bad parents. So AIBU or is she BU. It does grate on me that I work to support my lifestyle so why shouldn't she, after all they chose to have children? Sorry if this seems harsh but I am getting a bit fed up of hearing how hard up they are.

I feel for your sister in her situation, but I also agree with you.

Don't let her decision to not work wind you up, you do what is right for your family. She obviously can't grasp that maybe they need an extra income?

I'm not saying that she cant make extra cash, just that evening/weekend work and party planning isnt always quite as simple as it first appears.

Put it this way, and now I draw from my own experiences. I have two DCs and work three days a week. I need to earn more to cover the bills but don't want to do any more days. So, drawing on my skills, I advertised myself for weekend and evening work while DC's are in bed. Nothing happened for ages but I got some occasional work two years ago which later dried up. I got some more work last year in the Spring which again dried up but there may be more of the same next year. And I also have an interview in November.

My point is that I have had to endure some disappointment at times but if you try hard enough your perseverance can pay off, despite the obvious childcare/shift work obstacles.

And my DP does shift work, for the record.

I really don't think by a sister talking/venting to her so called sister should be considered as making it OPs business. Maybe she just needs someone to talk to and thought OP wouldnt be siting there with her judging her about working or not.

bogey of course I didn't, but luckily she's thousands of miles away

Look, some people have a combination of circumstances that means it's very difficult for them to work when their kids are young, especially during a recession when there's loads of competition for every job.

Not everyone has tat to sell on ebay. It's hard to do Avon and the like when everyone you know is skint. It's even hard to clean houses if you don't have any references.

If you don't want to hear your sister moaning, that's fair enough, and tell her so. But please try to have a bit more empathy. It doesn't cost anything, after all, and that's what family is for (supposedly).

YANBU. I also have a family member that is a SAHM, complains constantly about being short of cash & asks me (and others for money) and yet has retired GPs offering to mind the child for free and makes no effort to contribute to the family finances. I understand your frustration. If someone makes a choice that leaves them out of pocket, fine. But they really shouldn't make a song and dance about it and expect sympathy.

I worked part time when dcs were little- but we did lose money by it.

And tbh I always felt a bit pressurised by those friends who made money by selling Tupperware and soaps and things: if they had a limited social circle it was the same people who ended up having to subsidise their lifestyle every time. To me, those selling party do come across as a form of begging: fine if the other person can afford it, very awkward if they can't. When you know somebody is trying to make a living it is quite difficult to say "well, actually, I don't want any Tupperware and it's too expensive for me anyway".

It can be very annoying to listen to someone complain constantly without making a move to improve their life. Your sister can't have it both ways and expect your income while refusing to go into work for 'moral' reasons'. So in that sense, YANBU.

YANBU in a childless way to think why can't she get a job and stop moaning about being hard up.

Truth is, it's nigh on impossible to get a job in the current Market having been out of work due to being a SAHM, add into that a job that fits around school hours and childcare fees of £600+. If you find a job that would fit that critera and still earn her enough money to ease up her finances, then tell her to apply by all means. But those jobs just don't exist, especially in the current climate.

I don't think you deserve a pasting on here, but now you are armed with the reality of what it takes to be a working parent, maybe you could reconsider your sisters stance and be a bit more sympathetic.

YANBU as she appears to keep moaning about the same thing without doing anything about it. What does she want you to do? Give her some of your hard-earned cash? Madness

Is she's asking you for money then YANBU, if she's not then YABU and need to just tell her to stop moaning about it if she isn't willing to try and change things

You both need to unhoik your judgeypants about being a SAHM/WOHM though

Just ignore her whinging, and change the subject. If she gets snarky at you ask her what she wants you to do? But please do not tell her she does not work, full time housekeeper and nanny is a difficult job, it does not become easier just because it is your own children and household and you do not get paid.

OP, I get this the whole time from my DH: he moans about how much he hates his job, I give him constructive advice on how to change that (change jobs or change attitude to this one, one or the other), he doesn't take my advice and instead insists on continuing to moan. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Same with your DSis, by the sounds of it: she wants to have kids, she wants to stay at home with them, she's unhappy with the consequences, BUT she doesn't want to change anything and wants to continue to moan to you about them. Frankly, she can't have it both ways. There's no judgement there of either of their choices, it's just a pragmatic response to the less than pleasant situation they both find themselves in.

I have learned with DH (and it took me ages to draw it out of him) that having me listen to him moan helps him get through it: ie crap job + moan to me = OK job (which is good enough for both of us, these days). I hate listening to him whinge (I'm very much a fix-it-or-stop-moaning kind of person), but (a) times are tough, and we are grateful that he has a job at all, and (b) everyone's different and if that's what he needs, that's what he will get from me. Maybe a similar approach might work with your Dsis? Kindly point out that we all have ups and downs, that you can listen to her moan while watching TV on mute although you find it difficult to do given she won't change anything to help herself, and that you do so out of love for her. It's only fair that she should take responsibility for her actions, and know that she can't just dump her woes on you without a thought for how that might impact you. We do tend to take advantage of our nearest and dearest from time to time, and sometimes it pays to remind them that we are deserving of a minimum of thought and consideration, too .

Your sister's AIBU could sound like this:
I am SAHM and my DH is the sole earner, we want and need a higher income as it is impossible for us to afford a better standard of living on DH wage alone. However, I am not prepared to go out to work and put DC in childcare, I believe that nurseries are not good for DC and if you send your DC to a pre-school, nursery- you are a bad mother. I want a better lifestyle though.
AIBU to complain constantly about this unfair situation to my sister who goes out to work and can afford a more luxurious lifestyle

I imagine she'd get a pretty negative response.

OP, you don't deserve the comments at the start of this thread, YANBU.

YABU. You clearly disapprove of your sister's choices, but they are nothing to do with you. So, you go out to work - but that doesn't make you a martyr, since you get paid for it.

"It's only fair that she should take responsibility for her actions, and know that she can't just dump her woes on you without a thought for how that might impact you."
A very good point slubadub (fantastic name by the way). Listening to repeated moans does have a effect on the listener. Which, as far as I am concerned, makes the listener fully entitled to have an opinion on the moaner and the moan.

YANBU
V irritating to hear your sister (or anyone else) moaning constantly when she could do something to improve her situation.
The OP isn't suggesting full time work with all the childcare expenses that would incur. She could try to find evening or night work/ weekend work/ become a childminder/ take in ironing and plenty of other things. She can still be a SAHM/ not miss out her children/ not have to subject her children to nursery. She just doesn't want to and in addition wants to moan all the time!
If I were you OP, I would tell her that you would prefer not to chat about that subject any more but you are very happy to talk about anything else.

allmyfriendsaremarried - I know this post is dead but I felt the need to comment and ask what you did/what she did in the end?

Everyone bashing you about being a crap sister, bore off. She absolutely made it your business by being a moaning myrtle and it definitely is as simple as get a job! I have a child and completely agree, if you cant survive on one wage, introduce another.

Tbh I think these people responding were inadvertently defending their own situations and offering no helpful or constructive feedback as a result.

Maybe its something about older women, they seem to be all for staying at home scraping through life on bread and water but feeling fulfilled as a mother. I've just turned 21, my OH is 23, our baby boy is 13 weeks old and I will be going back to work after christmas. My parents worked full time from when my little brother and I were 6 weeks old. They worked hard, they gave us a wonderful and enriched upbringing regardless of the fact they both worked full time professional jobs (mums a sales exec at an oil company and dads a highly sought after social worker)

I will be working hard in order to provide my son with the things he needs - school trips etc are not cheap!

YABU. Its none of your business, & it sounds as if you are being very judgmental about your sister. You've no right.

If she moans about her situation (yes sisters do that sometimes, about different things. Thats family for you then tell her to shut up, you're not going to listen anymore unless she makes changes, and thats that. But aside from that - its her & her DH business - not yours.

As a former childminder, can I just point out that it is not that easy to just take this up as a way to make a living.

I had to spend a couple of months attending a course in order to register, my home had to be fit for mindees, which is different to just having a home fit for your own dc ( for ex my dc could nap in their own bedrooms but had no spare room for mindees so had to prepare for that). Does the sister have enough spacefor additional kids to play, for ex? The money v level of responsibility means that it is not an easy option.

Also I think that a cm who disapproves of working mums might not be the best choice.

As for Avon etc - a lot of those things don't generate a proper income and rely on friends subsidising your 'business'.

A far more sensible option would be for the sister to plan for going back to work in due course (not yet, clearly). What training and qualifications will she need not to be stuck at that stage? What can she do now?

your issue really isnt that your sister is not working at the moment.your issue is that she continually talks about her lack of money. strongly suggest that you develop ways of changing topic- or be honest with her- she has chosen her life- 2 be STAM for her 2 children that she chose to have with the husband that she chose- and good for her, but you find it wearing to hear about money problems everytime she calls.

me and dsis are chalk and cheese- i have always worked with children- she doesnt. horses for courses- i bite my lip when she moans about not having enough time etc.

Zombie alert

Chrissakes alexisishurricane

Zombie thread guys.