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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister should just go back to work

143 replies

allmyfriendsaremarried · 17/10/2011 20:01

I know everyone is having a tough time at the moment but I am beginning to wonder if my sister is being unrealistic about being a SAHM. She has a 4 year old (now at school) and a one year old. Her husband works for the council in what was a well paid job but due to cut backs they are beginning to struggle financially. Personally I would think that returning to some sort of part time work would be beneficial for all now. She is very funny about this sort of thing and thinks that pre school child care is the work of the devil and that mums who return to work are bad mothers. Most of my friends with babies have returned to work once their children are one years old mainly for financial reasons and I can see they are not bad parents. So AIBU or is she BU. It does grate on me that I work to support my lifestyle so why shouldn't she, after all they chose to have children? Sorry if this seems harsh but I am getting a bit fed up of hearing how hard up they are.

OP posts:

Harecare · 17/10/2011 23:40

When she moans is she looking for advice or does she want a friendly ear or does she want YOU to help her with money?

If she wants advice then give it to her - suggest becoming a CM, it's a way to get paid while looking after your own children plus others if you are an excellent HHM, creative and great with children.

If she just wants to moan and you are fed up with listening then tell her that you'd prefer not to hear how hard it is for her to be a HHM with no external income of her own. Either do something about it or stop moaning - at least to you anyway!

If she is asking you to give her money to subsidise her choices then you have every right to be annoyed, but I don't think she is, is she?

Original poster

allmyfriendsaremarried · 17/10/2011 23:42

Let's get it straight I do not look down on SAHM, my mum was one back in the 80s for which we are both eternally grateful. I may not know the cost of having children but I do know the costs of running a home, which is virtually impossible on one wage for just myself let alone 3 other mouths to feed and clothe. I can turn the heating off and wear another jumper, live off pasta and rice etc to do the stuff that I want to but I know that you can't do that with children. 'Lifestyle' may have been the wrong word to use but she says she envies mine, despite never having actually lived on her own, she went straight from the family home to marital home and we all are guilty at times at thinking the grass is greener. Hence why I came on here to get some advice. I see my friends who have gone down the back to work route, they admittedly had good jobs before they started their families so maybe that helps?

OP posts:

Bogeymanface · 17/10/2011 23:53

Perhaps when she says that she envies your lifestyle she means that she envies the choices you have? With no children you can do what you want, when you want. Everything she does, work or not, has to be based around her family. And having gone from your parents to her husband she may be envious of the life you had that she didnt.

I still think YABU in suggesting that she should just get a job, it isnt that easy. If you dont like being her ear to moan at, then say so, but dont slag her off and suggest that she should just pop down to the jobcentre and get herself a school hours job, they are less common than Hens Teeth!

screamingbohemian · 17/10/2011 23:57

So... you don't know the cost of having children, yet feel free to judge your sister? I think that's BU.

Young children don't have to cost that much. You can get most of what you need very cheaply, they don't eat that much, if you're a SAHM you don't have the expenses associated with work (clothes, transport).

The main expense with young children is, really, childcare. Which your sister doesn't have to worry about.

Do you even know how much childcare costs? For two children? Probably more than their mortgage or rent.

To have a knee jerk reaction of 'get a job' without knowing the math is really unfair.

Original poster

allmyfriendsaremarried · 18/10/2011 00:03

Maths not math. Anyway I do have a rough understanding of childcare costs because, believe it or not, people without children do talk to those that do have children about these things. One of my friends even pointed out that he was better off as a SAHD than being on minimum wage but then he does not winge about not being poor either. Anyway thanks to those that have not seen me as a childless gorgon that has no idea about how these things work, but instead offered some good advice that I can pass on in a tactful way.

OP posts:

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 00:06

screaming your childcare v housing costs point is a very good one. It would cost us 3 times our mortgage per month to cover fulltime CC for my little one and before and after school care for the three older ones. I had never thought of it like that before, and I am glad you pointed it out because I am getting a bit of earache from my mum about this ("well I worked when you were little", yes mum you did, and YOUR mum and dad did the childcare, which you said on the day I gave birth, that you wouldnt do for me!).

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 00:07

Maths not math

I feel v v sorry for your sister.

Original poster

allmyfriendsaremarried · 18/10/2011 00:11

So do I. Hence why I'm trying to find a way to help.

OP posts:

alwayspoor · 18/10/2011 00:14

I actually agree with where you left it. OP YANBU, your DS is making it yiur business.

BecJackMissR · 18/10/2011 00:17

Oh dear, some people are very quick to judge on here !!! In all honesty, I would probably just tell her to please stop talking to you about her money issues, and if she wants more money, then to maybe get work. Being a SAHM can be tough, but I have also experienced being a working mother too, full & part time.

I hope it all works out for you :)

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 00:19

allmy the maths/math thing aside (I hate pedants!) have you ever had a bad day at work and you moaned at your partner/husband/BF/GF/whatever and then rather than give you a hug, tell you that you are brilliant and your boss/client/co-worker is a wanker, they tried to solve your problem? If you have then you will know how really bloody annoying it is when someone doesnt just listen, hug you and make you feel better but tries to tell you what you should be doing to make the situation better.

She doesnt want you to solve her problem, she wants you to listen and make her feel better. Do that, and you will be the best sister ever :)

But thats not to say that you shouldnt sometimes say "Hey, do I get a chance to moan now?!"

MsTownmouse · 18/10/2011 00:35

You are and you aren't. I am guessing that you find it hard to appreciate her point of view that looking after the children is her priority at the moment , she is probably unaware that to a full time working sister her views won't resonate. There is no right answer . If she is phoning you because you are a welcome and friendly voice then just carry on and be happy you are seen as such - if it is really teeing you off then offer what help you can and try to organise the phone calls so they won't impact on you so much. People are different and I can see both points of view. Give her a break but equally ask her to give you one f you need one.

screamingbohemian · 18/10/2011 00:38

Er... I'm American, and we say math

I'm starting to feel very sorry for your sister too.

screamingbohemian · 18/10/2011 00:43

bogey I think I've had that same conversation with my mum

DownbytheRiverside · 18/10/2011 00:44

Not your business, but you are free to tell her how bored you are with her grumbling.
Stick your fingers in your ears and chant 'Lalala not listening'
She may get the message. Or not.

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 01:38

Screaming I did think you were US! And I am gonna take a wild guess here but ... you didnt win with you mum either, right?! :o

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 01:38

your...

Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 01:38

Why do people assume on here that work equals massive childcare costs? What about evening or weekend work? Which lots of parents and carers have to do to make ends meet.

All the negative posters seem to have forgotten this very important point.

I think that had the sister posted her problem people would have come up with all sorts of money making ideas and had she whinged or ranted too much there would be no end of people queuing up to tell her she wad BU.

Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 01:39

was

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 01:47

Arachnophobic Evening and weekend work is easily doable, if you are married to a 9 to 5-er. These days its unusual to have a job that really is nine to five with no overtime, "work to the job not the clock" etc

I could walk into a job tomorrow with my old boss, but as H (the main earner) cant guarantee being home in time then I cant do it. More people work shifts (and unpredictable ones at that) than work "office hours".

And how many nurseries/childminders do you know that will give that much flexibility?

Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 01:50

E bay, Jamie at Home, Kleeneze, Pampered Chef, the list goes on..........

sundayrose10 · 18/10/2011 01:54

Hear hear not here here.

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 01:55

With party planning you need to plan ahead, several months ahead! What part of "unpredictable" did you miss?

Bogeymanface · 18/10/2011 01:58

I should add that my H makes up the rotas and even with that we cant work more than a fortnight ahead.

Arachnophobic · 18/10/2011 02:04

So basically, Bogey there is no way that OP's sister could make any extra cash, and you base this on your own experiences?

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