To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Well, I'm jealous in a slightly different way - the fact that my mum and dad ARE good and have given my sister free childcare for the last 6 years means that mine haven't had much of a look in. I went back to work when my parents were already minding my sister's kids 3 days a week and there was no way they would be able to manage 4 - they find it tough enough as it is. So I've had to pay for childcare, whereas my sister gets it free off them.

It has also meant that my mum hasn't been able to help me out sometimes with mine because she's got the other two, or even been able to come shopping with me/met up for lunch if I've got a day off. My kids have missed out on their grandparents being at a couple of school events that they could have been at, but couldn't come because they were minding my sister's kids.

Even on days when my mum doesn't mind my sister's kids then they have often made it clear they are having a "rest day" free of kids, or running around to appointments, or just having a day out and so I've not felt like I could visit them with my own kids.

Can't help but feel a bit sad about it sometimes. If it was all appreciated I wouldn't mind quite so much, but sometimes I feel it's a bit taken for granted. And the fact that I and my kids have missed out because of my sister's arrangment has probably gone totally unnoticed by my sister.

[frightstick]

curlyhaired, that must be difficult.

My Mum looked after my sister's 3 kids for nothing when they were little. My Mum died before mine were born but my sister got short shrift from me when she lectured me on how 'there was no tax relief on childcare in when mine were little' and 'ahhhh, poor DS2, when he has been at the childminders all day. .

she doesn't seem to get it at all

[justonemorethread]

And apart from the not being able to go back to work because my salary doesn't cover childcare, it's quite annoying at having to do literally everything with toddler or over-tired after school 4 yr old in tow, or even worse, both! GP appointment, eyebrow wax with her sitting on my tummy, Council offices queing up for parking permit, post office etc etc... forget leg wax or hair-appointment! Bath? Pah! Although on the upside she has developed great patience and versatility, and I am able to bring her to lots of different situations and people often say 'oooh, how good she is!'.

She hates shops though so buying myself a winter coat is becoming nigh on impossible, literally will squeal as soon as we enter a shop. Am I being a huge winge-bag or does anyone else NEVER get a chance to do the most menial thing in peace?

I know this is probably a common situation to most mums, just doesn't seem to be the norm with the mums I hang out with! And also don't have any family who when they are around is willing to have both children together. Seems that a toddler and a 4 year old together is just too stressful (I wouldn't know anything about that of course!).

[TadlowDogIncident]

justonemore, are you a lone parent? If you're SAHM and your partner has a paid job, I can see that the stuff you can only do in office hours (like the parking permit) is a pain, but if you're in a relationship surely your DH/P can look after the children while you buy a winter coat?

[justonemorethread]

You'd think so right? I've often thought of posting an aibu thread about it - 'should I not expect dh to look after both children at weekends on occasions'
but I'm not brave enough to start my own post!
Nah, he 'can't cope' with having both of them. (too lazy?).
Very lovely dh in many other ways, by the way, just not very useful, it turns out!!!

[flowery]

YANBU. Wouldn't want regular childcare but just in emergencies and for the odd babysitting would be SO nice.

[forehead]

Totally agree with Call..... I want my mom to look forward to seeing my children, which she does. I would not want her to regard them as being a 'burden'. I do think that some people take the piss and i also believe that many gps dont really tell their adult children how difficult they find the childcare.
The odd week here or there, but a permanent arrangement, absolutely not.

[theredhen]

yanbu - Been there, got the T shirt. Local dentist has sign up asking that you not leave young children with staff if you are having treatment. What if young children are with you 24/7? Don't get the treatment? Would it really hurt the receptionist to look after your child for ten minutes? I remember paying a childminder so I could go to official appointments etc. I remember a hairdresser tutting me when DS was running riot in the hair salon. Not everyone can wait until their child is at school before having their hair cut!

It's so hard and you end up resenting your DC.

DS is 13 now and can behave himself in the hairdressers and dentist now.

[Orbinator]

theredhen & justone have you considered mobile hairdressers/beauticians? Luckily a friend of mine left her salon job and went mobile while I was pg so I get her to do my eyebrows etc at my home. So much easier! Massages are a no no though as you are destined to only get half way through without interruption

[MrsBloodyTroll]

justone my DH can be like that. Even if he's not working, I end up with a little nose pressed up against the shower door, then get bombarded with questions about what I'm doing.

I think it was CharlotteBrontesaurus who had a thread ages ago asking if people got to go to the toilet without DCs in attendance -she called it a "luxury poo". That stuck in my mind!

In order to get my hair done I had to, guess what, ask my parents to babysit the DCs as DH was reluctant to have them both. Must be so tough if you don't have DPs.

[TadlowDogIncident]

Bloody hell, that's a whole other thread - I feel sad that we don't have any family help, but I'd feel incandescent if my DH thought it was too much hard work to cope on his own while I got boring necessary stuff done!

justonemore, I think you should just go out one day at the weekend and leave him to it. He's their parent too, and you deserve a break.

[halcyondays]

Absolutely, tbh if my dh didn't take them sometimes I'd have had a nervous breakdown long ago. And if he refused to look after them when he was at home when I needed to do something or just needed an occasional break or was feeling I'll, I think we'd be divorced by now. Of course he can cope with two children on his own, most other dads manage perfectly well. I don't know any dads in real life who won't/"can't cope" with two dc on their own. Don't let him get away with it, if you just go out for a few hours, he'll manage perfectly well.
If he complains, tell him it's time he learnt, after all he'd have to manage if you had to go into hospital or something.

[justonemorethread]

Yes Yes, you are all right! Wasn't really fishing for sympathy but thanks anyway! Mostly I'm just a get on with it kind of person - I'd rather just get one with it than have the aggro and the moaning. But the time to disappear for a couple of hours has probably come! Tam tam taaam!
Really I quite enjoy almost every minute with my two dds so it's not that much of a weight, but it DOES have its moments. Anyway, no more thread hijacking from me! Carry on talking amongst yourselves!
Actually on my way to the dentist now, oh the irony!

[kenobi]

CurlyhairedAssassin your post makes me a bit cross, actually (though not with you). Why on earth can't your sister and mum adjust their arrangement a bit so that your DM can actually get to know your kids and help you out? You know, give up one day to you? That would be the fair thing to do.

Have you talked to your mum about it? Surely things like this aren't set in stone. My SiL is expecting her first about the same time as I'm expecting my second, and I'm damn sure I'll have to lower my expectations of what my DM will do. And I'm fine with it because that's FAIR.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Kenobi, well actually it doesn't make TOO much difference these days as mine are both at school now anyway. As regards getting round the problem when they were younger - well, I decided that the only option was to be a SAHM for a couple of years when they were very little (nearly bankrupt us in the process! while my sister swanned back to work earning a good salary with no childcare costs). After we decided I would just HAVE to go back to work, I tried to find a part-time job that would mean paying for minimal childcare and luckily I got a job that is school hours and term-time only so that works very well now in that respect, but of course, it does mean that the money is shit!

And actually my mum, bless her, has tried really really hard to help me out when she could. For a while before they were both at school she DID used to collect DS from nursery one day a week and have him for a couple of hours till I got back from work so they got a bit of time together. The other day she picked him up she also had my sister's baby with her so I suppose her main priority was her. Fair enough - babies are more demanding. I'm sure my mum felt her grandparently duties were very stretched though! And a few years down the line her and my dad are older and find it tiring looking after young children so even though I'm sure she would never say no if I asked her to have them for a night while DH and I went out, I don't like asking often as I know they are tired from the childcare they do in the week.

Kenobi, it would be wonderful if every parent could be as mindful as you are of other parents' needs in the family when considering grandparents doing childcare! Perhaps you are more aware because you're both expecting children at the same time. But in my experience, it's just the luck of the draw - if your baby is born first and you go back to work first, then YOU get the free grandparent childcare!!!

[kenobi]

Well if you're ok with it then I suppose shouldn't feel cross on your behalf
It probably is the fact I'm pregnant that I'm aware of it - but as much because my hormones are making me deeply militant as anything else. I've had to stop reading about 90% of the threads on aibu and all the relationships threads as I was getting so het up

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I'm ok the way things are NOW as they stand, because it doesn't affect my situation anymore. Well, not much. Not in terms of childcare costs. But when I'm off with my two in the school holidays I would love to ask my mum to come out for the day somewhere with us but she minds my sister's two a few days a week during school holidays so it's not always possible as they're doing other stuff on their "days off" usually. Occasionally we will all go out somewhere together but it's always quite stressful and hectic with arguments amongst all the kids or just general rowdiness and overexcitement.

The cousins all get on so mine enjoy visiting their grandparents when their cousins are there, but it does make for a VERY noisy and tiring visit all round. For a while a couple of years ago I would visit and feel sad that I couldn't have a chat in peace with my mum without her constantly having to monitor what my sister's kids were doing - chastise them or help them with something (they are younger than mine), but I must admit now they are all older they all tend to play together so me and my mum get a bit more time to catch up properly while all the kids play. So I'm over it now! I still think my sister doesn't appreciate how much money my parents are saving her in terms of childcare though, and even when they are both school age my sister won't have to pay school holiday club costs so gets to enjoy all her salary for herself!!!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

And congratulations on your pregnancy! So exciting, that stage! But yes, I remember the terrible hormonal mess that I became - everything was a big issue!!!!

[ssd]

curly I think your sister sounds very spoiled...is she very self centred? she sounds like one of the mums others are discussing here who get loads of free childcare and dont appreciate it at all.

she's lucky she's got you and her mum

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Ssd, yes, I suppose you could call her a bit self-centered a fair bit of the time.. She is not a horrible woman by any means, just sometimes a bit lacking in awareness of how things are like for other people. She is getting better than she used to be. But guess which of us is the younger sibling? . Suppose it would have been interesting to see what would have happened if my working hours hadn't been so convenient, and had clashed with HER working hours more.

[ssd]

I'm a younger sister too with a much elder sister who to me, hasnt a great awareness or empathy with my situation too

you are not alone!!

[bunnyspoiler]

YANBU OP. It's very difficult to have children with you 24/7, and traditionally families have mucked in and helped each other out from cradle to grave. Sadly that model is becoming less common and I think it puts a great strain both on individuals and the family unit as a whole. What sort of mother was she OP? Hopefully you will break the cycle and be there for your DGC, as there is a tendency (natural of course as it's so hurtful) to make excuses (they've done their bit, 'free childcare' etc) for this behaviour and the cycle repeats.

[fifitot]

NU. My parents would dearly love to do more but live too far away. My mum would do all the childcare saving me nearly £900 pm in nursery fees so it is a bit gutting. Other than move not sure we have a choice though.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

Free childcare isn't usually free ime.
It comes with obligation to return the favour, both now and in the future when older people may need more help.

My parents helped me a lot with dd - and I help them too.
PIL did nothing to help us, despite being close by, retired, healthy and financially comfortable. I feel under no obligation at all to help PIL out, either now or in the future.

[Ripeberry]

That's life. Some have tons of help and the rest of us muddle through .
I did not get much childcare help as my own mum was ill for a long time (now passed away) and MIL was able to help a little when DD1 was a baby, but she has passed away as well
DD1 is only 9yrs old and DD2 7yrs old, so they have hardly had any experience of grandmothers, apart from my own grandparents who are in their 90's and still play with them
I know one mum who has her mum over everyday at 5am! until midnight due to her work shifts. That's dedication for you.