To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I agree with the babysitting circle thing. Having no family to call on, myself and another woman at the parent and toddler group I went to decided to try and start one - we were met with horror from some parties; apparently they just couldn't leave their child with a stranger, and anyway they always use family. Had to smile through gritted teeth!

I've also found that some of the least sympathetic and/or most driven colleagues are the ones who have family looking after their children, so never, ever have to worry about sick children or late meetings. I don't think they've quite grasped the concept of paid childcare yet, and what it means for other, less fortunate parents!

[DownbytheRiverside]

'BTW, there are always strings........

Really? We we're nearly 3 years in to this arrangement and have been string-free so far so I'm happy for you to enlighten me.

My MIL has asked if she can continue having DD one day a week when I stop work next month. Is that a string?'

Our childcare set up with my parents worked beautifully for over ten years with no expectations, points scoring or emotional manipulation from either side. DS still drops in on them a couple of times a week now he's at college. I agree GML, it is possible to do it and do it well. But others are free to feel that it can't, especially if they don't have that experience.

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

Well not really. To say there are always strings to people who have clearly stated that there are none in their case is wrong, no?

[RIZZ0]

YANBU. Me too. Hard isn't it?

I will say it's made us a strong little unit though which is good I suppose.

[TadlowDogIncident]

That's a good point about being a strong unit, and I think we are too. But I feel a bit sad for DS not having a wider circle of people he loves and spends time with: we were very close to my grandmother when I was growing up because she used to visit every month, play with us, take us out, and DS won't have that with either of his grandmothers.

[Mayqueene]

No strings here!

My parents look after my four who are aged between 18 and 6 while I work and have done so since 1996!!(although I've been on maternity leave and very part time for some of that)

My kids have fantastic relationships with my parents and really benefit from spending time with them. I've never had to use any sort of child care, and when I suggest school holiday clubs for the youngest two now my parents are getting older there are protests from grandparents and kids alike-so we don't bother!

I'll do everything I can for my parents as they get older, as will my children, but that isn't "strings", it's family.

I know I'm lucky, and probably wont be able to do the same for all of mine (I'm an only child) and I appreciate my parents very much.

I'm not bragging just wanted to challenge the "there are always strings comments"

[ShimmerDog]

I grew up in the UK but my parents are from a country where the family unit is still quite traditional so it's taken for granted that gps/extended family will offer free childcare (generally the mothers are SAHMs so they have the time to do this). I know I'm lucky to have had that as I was a single parent for a long time, yet was still able to study, work and socialise. I babysit for my nieces/nephews too without question and DD has always had contact with family at least several times a week.

I was living 200 miles away from my parents when I first had DD but I moved closer to them (and my brothers/sisters) when I became a LP. So it has limited me in some ways but I don't recognise any manipulation or strings attached in my relationship with my parents.

[Smokedsalmonbagel]

YANBU

It is hard work bringing up children without local supportive grandparents.
My parents live 2 hours away and MIL is too old and frail.
I too am envious of my friends who have free child care on tap. It makes me feel slightly better that most of them really appreciate the help they get. Although I have one friend (theres always one!) who seems to take the GP for granted and expects everyone to have available child care. She likes to tell me about her evenings out and just doesn't get it when I say no we haven't been out to the cinema in years. If we had a chance for a night out it would be a meal.

I miss being able to nip to the dentist or shops on my own. I would like to help out at the school as DS1 has just started but have no one to look after DS2. As for work I am a SAHM for now, although have no idea how I am going to fit a job round school holidays etc.

But on a positive note I love my boys to bit and wonder if I lived closer to my mum would it change my parenting? One example was my mum was really negative about breast feeding, I think if I'd seen her more when DSs were babies I would have given up BF much earlier. I also like the fact because my family aren't local I have made an effort to make lots of friends.

[callmemrs]

Of course there will be individual cases where it all works marvellously and everyones happy and the grandparents really don't mind looking after the children and the parents are happy to earn and not pay them. But you only have to read MN to know most situations aren't like that. Even in situations where the gp's start off happy with the arrangement, things can change over time- they may fancy a few days away at off peak times, or they may decide to take up a daytime course , or study ... It is very restricting to find yourself in' an arrangement whereby you have to fit around someone elses working hours. Also, many gps would feel guilty about considering giving up when the parents have come to rely on it and expect it for free. And then of course there are those situations- some described on here- where the gps look after one set of grandchildren and its all rosy- but another adult child lives 50 miles away and gets no help at all, which can be very divisive. I know of some families who get virtually no visits at all from the gps who live far away- precisely because the gps are revolving their entire week around being unpaid childminders for their nearby grandchildren! So even when things work brilliantly for one set of parents, it may look very different from another perspective

I think the grandparent/grandchild relationship is incredibly special- 'but its special because its not based on obligations, or duties or being a 'second parent'.

[TCOB]

YANBU . I feel your pain. The thing that gets me is DH and I both remember GPs 'helping out' when we were small and our mums didn't even go to work, yet our mums are the same generation who won't do anything to help us. They want 'me-time' but would have scoffed at the concept of their parents wanting it too.

[madmomma]

YANBU OP. I feel for you. I am lucky to have my Mum nearby, who is immensely helpful and accomodating, but I've seen how friends in your situation struggle and it seems so unfair. When I think I'm having a hard day, I often think of my MIL, who came here in the 60s from Pakistan, speaking no English, and then had 5 children within 6 yrs in a small house with no family, friends or car. And I get a grip!

[MrsBloodyTroll]

Well said callmemrs.

The grandparent-grandchild relationship, IMO, should be a fun one, not based on obligation. My GPs never helped my DPs.

My DPs help when possible, but it's on their terms, when they are willing/able. They have their own lives to lead, DF still works.

SIL takes the ragged piss out of my PILs, her parents, who live 90 minutes from her (and us). She sees them as free childcare, at her beck and call. They are fed up of the obligation. They have a far healthier relationship with our DCs, who they see less frequently but on different terms, no obligations, just having fun together.

I would rather pay for professional childcare than stress the GP/GC relationship in that way. If you want GP help, at least have the decency to move close to them, or offer them accommodation in your house, and make sure they are ok with it, don't assume they will help!

[LordOfTheFlies]

My PILs always complained that they didn't see much of my DCs (they wouldn't travel to me, it was always me travelling to them 580 miles each way)
My parents would make the journey (same distance) and still do, and spend alot of time with the DCs.

Once we were up at PILs and my FIL was looking after my nephew who was a year or so older than DS.
I asked FIL if he would look after DS and he replied he was "too busy". The boys would have played together ( I was pg at the time)

I thought (silently) Fuck You . They wouldn't help but expected me to do all the travelling to them.

When DD was born they did come to us for a weekend( I had to pick them up and take them back to the airport). MIL took DD out in her pram -for 15 minutes.DD would sleep for Britain after a feed.

They looked after my SIL 2 DC 3 days a week from early days BTW.

[bringmemoonshine2011]

YANBU my mother is the same. Refused to look after DS when I was a) in labour with DS2 because it might clash with the royal wedding and b) 37 weeks pregnant with a fever because i was probably contaigous (sp) and she might catch it.

I ask you. If DS's have children I will do whatever they like, including gettignup with them in the morning on visits and changing pooey nappies, not just handing them back. Takenote MIL!

[Orbinator]

I hear you OP. My dad visits me about every two months for one night and my mum died years ago. No grandparents left on my side. My DD's father comes up some weekends but as i'm BFing the longest I've had apart from her is 3 hours. She's only 11wks so I have mentally prepared myself for a rather long haul! It's very frustrating hearing friends bang on about over interested MIL's or their own parents turning up to have a hold when you can't even go food shopping without the pram!

[working9while5]

I am particularly jealous when colleagues talk about how stressful it is to have to argue with their partner about who takes care of a sick child for one day of an illness because family can cover the other days of the week. We miss so much work and we just have no choice... No one to mind ds in labour either.

[ChocHobNob]

YANBU

Except, my parents would love to help out and provide childcare but they both have to work full time shifts themselves :(

[puffling]

We both work. I have no parents and dp has one slightly random mother living elsewhere, so no childcare. I do feel mildly jealous but don't really give it a lot of thought. It's just the way it is for us and we don't know any other way. I have about 7 days a year that we can't cover e.g. dd's school inset days. I ask other parents to have her and rotate them so as not to be a burden. We don't go out in the evening but that doesn't seem odd. The occasional time I've been out I've noticed it's either young people or over 50s who are out so we're not the only ones.

[kenobi]

callmemrs I think you're right, it has to be given freely with no expectations, and taken in the same spirit. I think it works for us because we never forget that they are helping us for free - and for my mum it's a 140 mile round trip though fortunately very good train connections.

My DH did throw a hissy fit once as his DM wouldn't come one day because she had a hairdressing appt and needed to go to the supermarket. I pulled him up pretty sharpish - thin end of the wedge.

It also helps that his parents are very fair with childcare (SiL gets every Thurs but has no mum), we get every other Fri, and my mum has no other grandchildren yet.

[ssd]

I think this thread shows what the real divide is when you have children

its not all the SAHM/WOHM.....

FF/BF.....

different methods of childcare...

ITS WHETHER YOU HAVE FAMILY HELP OR NOT!

it makes all the difference and you sure know about it when you dont have it

[natation]

I used to be a bit jealous of those who had parents who could help them out with child care, even more importantly those who had parents who spent time with their grandchildren. I don't have parents, my husband's parents live in a different country, have always lived a 500km trip away from us - they moved to their retirement dream area before the children were born, then we moved country for work, it means they see their grandchildren for a few days a year when we have the spare time to travel to them and vice-versa. I've had to work part time when we still were still in the UK, because we had no family child care and shift working 24/7 is completely incompatible with mon-fri child care. I have long lost the jealousy factor in wishing we had family nearby, our children have benefitted in other ways by having more time with parents, siblings, friends. So our children have been brought up without grandparents and without cousins, but they have each other, they have the love of their parents. I do want it to be different for our children's children, I will make every effort to be there for any grandchildren, but I am not losing sleep over it not being that way for us.

[boohoobabywho]

i totally appreciate your feelings. when i was pregant (at 34) my dad said dont ecpect us to look after it. meaning him and my mum.

tbh they werent the greatest parents in the world and i'm FINE with that.

I have never asked them to mind her and shes now nearly 8. just recently my dad said to me... you can trust your mum with her you know she wont come to any harm.

No dad... you reap what you sow.

I dont feel guilty in the slightest, they are missing out on (actually) the best grandchild they have .... of 16! (But of course i'm not baised about my DD at all!!!)

[wideawakenurse]

YANBU.

DH family live 300 miles away.

My family live a lot closer, but I have found that asking for any help seems to only be ok if it's on their terms. Only recently I asked if they'd help when I went into labour with DC2, to be met with, "well, depending on what time of day it is".

A few months ago DH was taken to hospital with a back injury. We were totally stuck, as DS was only 18 months old and so I really didn't want to take him to A&E. My parents refused to come over to look after DS so I could go to A&E with DH, as they were gardening.

It was bit of a turning point in our relationship.

[darksideofthemoonbells]

YANBU. I have a colleague who often comes in and says they're off to some place or other for a weekend and wife's parents have their DS, or off to cinema (ditto) or his parents have come down (from up country) for the weekend and are babysitting so they can go out...

I never expected anything from either set of (doting) gps as mine are far too old (79/80) and DH's are golf addicts and can't be prised away from their course.
But we have had one trip to cinema in 4 years, when we both took a day off to see something we really wanted to see on the big screen instead of DVD!

And nobody has ever babysat DS so we could have a meal out etc. It's our 7th anniversary this weekend and doubt we'll manage anything. (Feeling sorry for self now so please feel free to throw a few wet haddocks in my direction)

[TadlowDogIncident]

for you, wideawakenurse. That's awful.

Reading this thread is really making me count my blessings, actually: we have no family help, but MIL adores DS and would love to have him to herself occasionally. It's only her health that means she can't manage him single-handed. That's so much easier to cope with than it would be to have parents in good health, capable of looking after DS, who wouldn't do it even in an emergency!