To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[justonemorethread]

I'm so glad someone posted about this! If only my parents lived nearer (or at least in the same country) I would be able to at least go back to work part-time. If I went back to work now it would only just cover childcare, so completely not worth it. My friend has been able to go back to her old job with help from both sets of gp. I don't think anyone can expect gps to take on childcare, so would never make an issue of it with in laws, but it doesn't stop me from feeling jelaous of those who have that option! I can't even get in laws to babysit occasionally just so we can go to the cinema!

[choceyes]

YANBU.

My parents are down south and so are the in-laws, so at least 4/5 hours away from us.
It is so difficult looking after the little ones sometimes, and me and DH both really need more help, just sometimes, to get some chores done and run some errands etc.
If we go clothes shopping, which is very rare, it has to be done with kids in tow and as quickly as possible. EVerything is a rush when you have got kids with you.
We need a new kitchen, but no time to sit and plan it except when they go to bed, but then there are other household chores that are more urgent.

At the moment I am ill, but had to come to work, as nobody to take in the DCs to nursery as DH can't do it due to various reasons. Nursery is at my work, so I have to drop them off and go back home which takes an hour, and then I'd have to do the picking up too.
I'm so jealous of people who have parents that can take the slack once in a while.

It's a shame cos, my parents and my in-laws love spending time with them and always wants to see them more.

[ellmum]

YANBU

We have no help either. My parents are fit and healthy, but they did all their hands on grandparenting with my much older niece. In Laws are not quite so healthy, MIL is but FIL isn't. They're also very involved with other grandchildren. I am so envious of colleagues who get to leave their children in their own homes while GPs ship in to look after them. It sounds idyllic. I tell myself though, that the payback would be serious GP interference involvement in everything and every aspect of family life. If this isn't the case, then I don't want to know I am happy consoling myself with that thought.

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

YANBU. I work 3 days, DD is in nursery one day and the other two days are covered by my mother and MIL. We are supremely lucky to have this help and I appreciate it greatly. We try very hard not to take the piss and in nearly four years have only asked for babysitting half a dozen times.

I also agree with what a PP said, that it signifies something bigger and that is being part of a supportive family. Obviously that doesn't count for people overseas or further away but to have parents nearby that simply can't be arsed must be awful and I thank God every day for my family.

[catsmother]

YANBU ..... with a disclaimer that no-one can expect free childcare from family (I don't think that's what you're saying BTW). However, those who do have family willing to care for their children out of love are very very fortunate indeed and I agree that some lucky people in that position seem to have no idea just what a fantastic benefit this is - in more ways than one because the children also usually develop a lovely close relationship with their carer(s). I know several families who've been lucky enough to be in this position, and with 2 (or more) kids they've literally saved 10s of 1000s of pounds in childcare costs over the years, as well as being able to (usually) be more flexible at work which obviously helps with how you're viewed there.

By contrast, as a single mum for many years I shudder to think how much I paid out in childcare over the years ... and that doesn't include all the times I had to take unpaid leave to cover off when my child was ill and couldn't go to the childminders. I've always earnt less than national average wage so it wasn't easy at all, and was also very restricted hours-wise to what my childminder was prepared to work. There was also no flexibility at all for overtime because - fair enough - my childminder wanted to know when her day ended. I never expected my mum to help and on a regular basis she lived too far away to do so regularly .... however, in around 9 years, I probably had 4 or 5 occasions when I desperately needed help for a few days due to various combinations of illness, no holiday left etc and even then my mum never offered to help. The most I ever got was an "oh dear" - from someone who'd retired at 57, was in good health, drove, no other commitments and so on. To me, it came down to basic compassion when you see someone you're (supposedly) close to in a right fix. Without even that, I admit I got very jealous and quite gobsmacked at the people I knew whose parents (in the main) were always there for them and who revelled in spending time with their grandchildren. Apart from anything the total lack of support .... which would have been very very occasional .... really made me question my relationship with my mum, and not in a good way. I don't know if I'll ever be in a position to care for my own children's children - what with the rising retirement age and all that - but at the very least I can't imagine ignoring them if I can possibly help in an emergency.

[serajen]

I am a grandmum and go to my daughter's 2-3 times a week after work (I work full time) to help out, her partner works till 9.30pm so when I get there she can go to the gym or just have some time out somewhere .... I have 2 grandsons aged 1 and 3 and boy do they wear me out, but I wouldn't have it any other way as I love how close we are and hope I'm not too interfering, I do feel for those mums who have no support whatsoever, can't imagine how it must feel when gps are just not that interested

[TheBestWitch]

YANBU.

It is bad enough that none of my active and fully able parents/in laws want to look after their grandchildren but when it was coupled with constant comments about how they've done thier bit with me and dh and now they just get the nice bits when I was sufferring from severe pnd and dh was also ill, both of which they were fully aware of, and we really could have used some help, it was extremely grating.
MIL and FIL did reluctantly have dd overnight and some of the following day while I was in hospital giving birth to her brother but they did - no joke - phone dh to ask how long we would be and as soon as we walked back in with the new baby they walked out (but they, of course, go on about how lovely it was to spend time with her so lovely that they have no desire to repeat it!). And they left everything at their arse while they were here so we had a load of mess to clean up as well.
I was bitter but the way I see it now is that my kids are no trouble and I'm happy to hog them. And if they want to miss out on having a close one-on-one relationship with them then it's very much their loss.

[wordfactory]

I dunno about this one.
My parents and in laws live too far away to rpovide childcare, but even if they didn't I'm not sure I'd want them to provide regular childcare.

1. I wouldn't want to sully the GP status of general spoiler and treat giver.
   
2. I wouldn't want anyone to have to commit. When my Mum got the chance to spend six weeks in Australia, I was delighted that she could go. I would hate for her not to take any chance she can get for fun in her retirement.
   
3. I wouldn't want to have any arguments about how my DC should be looked after.

[DirtyBat]

YANBU my mum looks after DD while I'm at uni, I really appreciate it as she is still very young so I wouldn't be happy leaving her in a nursery or with a childminder.

However, if she is too ill to have DD, or if she has to go somewhere, or decides go on holiday, there are no rules regarding giving me notice, and there is nobody to fall back on (I think some childminders have a kind of reserve system?), which means in that instance, DP or I would have to stay at home and have her.

I can't and won't complain though. Love my mum to bits :)

[seasidesister]

YANBU. I feel like that sometimes too we have no grandparents on either side and my heart aches sometimes for my children, especially when their friends talk about theirs.

We rarely go out because its £30 babysitter before we even buy a drink.

[Jawbreaker]

YANBU. I think its a real shame when healthy, local grandparents don't want to help out at all with their grandkids. I say this without any smugness (I hope it doesnt come across as smug) but I thank my lucky stars and am incredibly grateful that my mum helps out several times a week and will always make herself available if we are in a tight corner. It is great for us, but also for her and the kids. They have a fantastic relationship and the security of another adult who regularly takes care of them.

My dad lives abroad, but is hands-on when he is staying with us and I know if he lived nearby he would jump at the chance to look after them. He is quite jealous of my mum seeing them so often, I think. DH's also mum lives abroad but is more of the 'I've done my bit with my kids' school of thought, and even when she stays us with us for weeks at a time in the holidays she wouldn't dream of offering to babysit for an evening or even watching them for an hour while I pop to the shops. Miserable attitude. Yes, they are our kids and no grandparent should feel they have to look after them, but God, they're your flesh and blood. I'd jump at the chance to babysit for my own grandkids, I'm sure. In fact, one of the motivating factors in keeping fit and healthy for me is so I can take care of my grand kids (kids are 6 and 3, so I may be over thinking this just a wee bit...)

[ithaka]

YANBU

My mum helps me lot with childcare and I am incredibly grateful. It is lovely that my children have such a close and relaxed relationship with their grandparents and it means me and DH can both work without worrying about them (or spending a fortune on childcare!). Lucky for the whole family!

However...my mum is very 'pro' women working and does childcare for me to work, but would not look after the children so I could do anything else (eg shopping, hairdresser, doctor, dentists etc), which is entirely fair enough.

[blackeyedsusan]

another one here with no family support for childcare, single parent too. ds has just started school nursery so it is the first time in months that I have been child free.

fortunately, I don't have someone to compare with so it doesn't seem so bad. it was a bit upsetting though when another mum in the playground was telling us how she was going away for a week and leaving her husband to look after the children. other children are regularly picked up by grandparents so parents can work without having to pay child care.

[Hardgoing]

YANBU, I am lucky enough to have that help. The only downsides would be a) if the GP's cared for the children in a way you didn't find acceptable, this is not the case for me as I think my mum is brilliant at it and am prepared to be flexible as she is doing me the favour b) I choose to live near them so I live in a part of the world I might otherwise not choose to stay in, to be around family. I wouldn't move 100's of miles away when the children were little and that was as much a factor in deciding where to live as anything (i.e. I looked for a job around here). Lots of people do move away and this then means they can't benefit from being part of a family who live close.

I feel for you, I hope I return the favour given to me by helping out if mine have children. I am already unreasonably excited about the prospect and mine are still little!

[slightlymad72]

My DCs GPs have nothing to do with them or should I say as little as they can get away with. MIL lives 2 miles away, looks after GD and regularly sees her GSs, my DCs however she has not seen for 3 months because 2 miles is a long way for her to drive. FIL lives approx 200 miles away he has not seen my DCs since January, they didn't know who he was, he visits my home town regularly (last visit 2 weeks ago) to see his other grandchildren but has never visited my home (lived here 8 years) never called and no one in the family lets us know he is visiting.
My mother lives 1 mile away, visits every week, doesn't see her GC because they are at school when she visits, never has them for baby sitting and takes them out once a year for the day.
My father lives in spain, so there is no regular contact, when he lived here he never interacted with his GS only his GD, who he regularly said infront of GS that she was his favourite.
So YADNBU cause I'm a little jealous as well, especially when I have endless hospital appointment with DD and there is no one there who is willing to help.

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

It's funny, apart from a brief struggle with PIL about car seats we have never had an issue about how DD is looked after in 3 years. Maybe I'm just super laid back but I accepted from the start that if you hand over your child to someone else for a period of time then you also must accept their judgemet.

It hasn't affected either side spoiling her either. My dad is especially bad for this! And it's lovely to see the way she runs into their houses like a second home.

[GoodWitchHunting]

YANBU

I feel the same. It is made even worse by the fact that I could count on my hands the number of times my SIL has watched my 2 despite the fact that I have given them 18 months of free childcare at LEAST 2 full days a week.

My mum would watch them but she's not in great health and it would be taking advantage of her IMO.


I need to stop being such a mug though!

[cheeseandmarmitesandwich]

I agree, SIL gets MIL to pick up the kids at the drop of a hat all the time but doesn't seem to realise how lucky she is. We live a 6 hour drive away and when we desperately needed someone to help out with the kids for a week when I was starting a new job MIL refused to travel up to help even though we would have paid petrol/trainfare etc. Well she didn't actually refuse, just put so many conditions on it and wouldn't commit to dates, it made it impossible. Then she complains she never sees them (despite refusing to come and see us but expecting us to go to them)

However at least I don't have to put up with her living close by and I never take any of her comments about the kids to heart as I always think 'you never actually see them so what do you know!?'

[cheeseandmarmitesandwich]

I agree, SIL gets MIL to pick up the kids at the drop of a hat all the time but doesn't seem to realise how lucky she is. We live a 6 hour drive away and when we desperately needed someone to help out with the kids for a week when I was starting a new job MIL refused to travel up to help even though we would have paid petrol/trainfare etc. Well she didn't actually refuse, just put so many conditions on it and wouldn't commit to dates, it made it impossible. Then she complains she never sees them (despite refusing to come and see us but expecting us to go to them)

However at least I don't have to put up with her living close by and I never take any of her comments about the kids to heart as I always think 'you never actually see them so what do you know!?'

[worldgonecrazy]

YANBU. I thank the Gods every day that I am blessed with two parents who are healthy in their old age, and have had long enough to enjoy retirement (both retired/went part time at 50 ish) and now in their late 60s/early 70s, are cherishing every single second they can spend with their only grandchild, who was a very late blessing.

I really do feel for parents who don't have the supportive family that I have been blessed with, and often wonder how they manage to stay sane.

[kenobi]

I'm not sure if YANBU or YABU cos it doesn't really seem to be about reasonableness but I really feel for you. I get a lot of help and I couldn't do without it. I am constantly and deeply grateful - I never take it for granted, I can assure you.

I also feel sorry for your mum - she is missing out on such a lot, the silly woman (hope you don't mind me saying that). It's not just getting to know her grandchild, it's also that having DD has made me and my mum closer, a great additional bonus.

But ellmum 's right - my mum is a hero and I love her to bits but we had so many conversations about my weight and DDs weight and the general desirability of being whip thin, and what I have in my fridge and the fact that getting a cold is because I don't eat properly (I do, I DO!!!) and nothing to do with the fact I travel on the tube that I'm actually growing a thicker skin. So yes, you do pay for it with increased interference. Loving inference, but interference the same

[Andrewofgg]

YANBU. My family were at too great a distance, but DW is one of a large extended family; before DS was born we regularly looked after theirs (useful lessons for me there!) and after he was born we were never without help - and then as DS grew up it was again our turn and now we often look after the cousins' grandchildren as does our DS.

It's how it should be when geography permits - but so often it does not.

[wordfactory]

world I think you just manage.

You use other forms of child care, and create fantastic networks of friends who help one another out.

I think the times I miss having my Mum around the corner is when a curved ball comes my way, for example I was due to attend a literary festival on Saturday and DH's plane was delayed so I had to leave them not knowing exactly when he'd get back. If Mum lived close by they could have popped around.

[SailorVie]

Another one here with no parents or in-laws to call upon for babysitting/childcare. We both work full time. My parents positively dislike children under the age of 10, and my inlaws, lovely though they are, are just too far away and frail to help.
So we pay for our childcare and have had 3 occasions since our DS was born that we have got to go out for supper or a cinema outing, thanks to some lovely friends who stepped in.

With regards to those who have GPs who are unwilling to help with DC childcare or babysitting, I say one thing: you reap what you sow. Beware of getting old and frail and needing help from your kids, for there will be none forthcoming...