To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[DownbytheRiverside]

YANBU.
I have a very supportive family and have had for over a decade. We appreciate it and love the closeness, all that time and my mother and I have never disagreed about parenting styles and choices.
I've never had to pay for childcare, which considering what a handful DS is is fortunate. Few childcare facilities can handle a child on the spectrum. My mother, however, can.
Give it a few more years though, and my parents will be the ones being cared for by the rest of us, including the grandchildren.

[notlettingthefearshow]

Why should GP do childcare? They've already brought up their own kids and made probably a lot more sacrifices than we have. They have earned the right to retire and enjoy their lives as they see fit.

I get really annoyed when parents expect the GP to step in, especially if they don't think the GP have any reason not to. Of course, if GP are genuinely willing and able, this is lovely. But this is a privilege and not the norm. My parents would be disappointed in me if they had brought me up to expect them to still be helping me with everyday life.

[moonshineandspellbooks]

YANBU for feeling this. I have no family and rely 100% on professional childcare. I feel really wistful about families where GPs help out (far more about the relationship side of things than I do about the money, even though I am skint as a result of childcare).

However, a fleeting moment of envy or wistfulness is all you can allow it to be. It doesn't matter how unfair you think it is or how resentful you become, it will still be the case that they have help and you don't. So it's not worth getting upset about.

[SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore]

Despite my earlier comment, i would hate my mum to babysit full time-she works, and has her own life thank goodness. I would just love to pop out for a drink with dh without it requiring a full weekend being organised 3mths in advance, if it happens at all

[ssd]

its quite a relief to see we;re not the only ones without any support with childcare, round here it seems everyone i know has some form of childcare and all free

its hard not to spend a long time being angry and resebtful, i admire the posters who say they can rise above it, unfortunately i cant and I seethe with inner resentment and sadness when i see the many grans driving grandkids around, knowing their parents are usually having some me time or earning some cash worry free

custy you said earlier there are always some strings attatched, I think i could handle the strings, but unfortunately all our granparents are dead, the only one left is my frail mum in her eighties who needs care herself

[alwayspoor]

YANBU but thats life I guess. I have no family. We do not live near PIL. We see PIL every 2 or 3 months. They do offer to mind our 3 children, however I am not really sure why?

Last week they came to stay, DH asked them if they would babysit DD2 and DD3 who are 7 and 2, for a couple of hours while I took DD1 out for a treat. They agreed. DH at work when they arrive, chat to them for a bit then start to chivvy DD1 along to get ready and they start the normal, are you going out? yes as DH arranged with you They just play silly buggers, seriously considering not asking them at all.

[cerealqueen]

YANBU, we've never had any help unless we paid for it. No grandparents living or in laws too far away. Its shit, I could go on about how totally shit my siblings are (Not DP's I have to add) as its the lack of a relationship that gets to me more then the lack of help. Its bad enough Dd has no grandparents but she also has shit aunts and uncles on my side.
Phew, sorry for that!

[cerealqueen]

I mean no parents living, ie no grandparents for DD!

[frightstick]

Cerealqueen, I am in same position . It's rubbish.

[ssd]

cerealqueen, snap re the shit siblings, we have this on dh's side, he has siblingsnearby that are shit personified, my siblings are 100's of miles away

and only one old gran who is too old to help

its the pits

[Cloudbase]

YANBU. I'm in the same boat, and seems very hard sometimes as I'm a single parent and my exH can't see the children unsupervised. My mum lives locally but is deeply controlling. She constantly offers to babysit, but will only do it if she 'approves' of where/with whom I am going out! [hhmm].

I only ask now if it's a genuine emergency as it's just too stressful to deal with and sadly, it's easier to keep her at a distance. Unfortunately, local babysitter rates for 2 littlies under 5 are around £10 p/h which makes alternatives a bit thin on the ground. Ah well, luckily I have my TV, my iphone and Mumsnet - that's more than enough of a social life...

[Fatshionista]

YANBU.

I wish I had help but nobody offers and when I ask there's always an excuse. DP's mum lives around the corndr, his dad doesn't work and neither does his 24 year old sister but no help or offer of help from any of them.

DM is dead as is DNan. My Bampi is old, my great grandmother is 94 and my sister juggles enough and a crazy dog.

:(

[idlevice]

YANBU. The GPs live on the other side of the world & we live in area where most people live just a few streets away from all their other family members. One of the things I hate most is not necessarily the lack of having some free childcare (as my parents are probably a bit too frail to look after young DCs on a practical level) but just the chance of DCs having an interaction with other interested people of a different age group. Everything they do is either accompanied by me and/or DP, poor DCs...

[immortalbeloved]

YANBU

I am one of the lucky ones and my mum is amazing, there are definitely no strings attached but DH and I do a lot for her in return (through choice) so it is lovely all round.

I do really appreciate how lucky I am, I tell my mum all the time. I also have several friends who get no help at all so I try and 'pay it forward' by babysitting as much as I can, in fact sometimes my mum has my brood so I can stay over and give them a night off

I know parents aren't entitled to help but I will never understand how people who love you can watch you struggle

[marykat2004]

I feel the same way, no relatives here to help, and when my mum did come over from abroad to 'help', all she wanted to do was go to the pub, and complained that she wished she had come when DD was in school and not over the Easter break.

Seems like a lot of us are in the same boat, even if it looks like a lot of people do have all the help.

[Shakey1500]

YANBU I know how lucky I am. Though I only work 8 hours across a weekend my mum and step dad are always on hand and offer to have ds. Even if I need time during the week, they're there. Often they'll have him overnight for no reason enabling us to go out. On top of that, when I'm rehearsing and performing they'll have him. I honestly and truly appreciate all that they do.

[alwayspoor]

My PIL came to lookafter my girls when I was very ill. As I was leaving to be admitted to hospital they started, do you have to go?, see you in the morning, poor DD3, poor lamb

I might be one of those people who look like they have help (even though its usually only 4/5 times a year) but really its just hassle.

PIL looked after my 3 on one occassion, my 9 year old changed my 2 year old nappy and got her ready for bed on her DGF instructions. And my children had no dinner. Just say no we don't want to do it

[Pawsnclaws]

Haven't read the whole thread, but sympathies if you get no help. I'm very lucky, my mum and dad are always free to help, and always willing. I do appreciate it hugely though and never take it for granted.

[FunkyChicken]

We do have help from one set of GP and DO appreciate it and know we are very lucky. We DO also pay (though not as much as full time nursery) - the GP didn't ask but we just wanted to contibute so have a standing order towards their credit card each month. Others don't know about our arrangement as we don't broadcast it. If it makes you feel any better OP - you may not know about private payment arrangments like this for 'free' childcare you see others getting.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Having family to help out is great, and very much appreciated. My Mum lives about a 2 hour drive from us and comes up to help out when I need her and she can.

I think tying grandparents up as regular childcare is really unfair.

My Mum is pretty young, but I know she finds a full day with the children exhausting.

I see from my ILs (where a woman's Mum looking after her children for free seems to be an expectation) that providing regular childcare for your daughter can have a negative impact on the relationship you have with your son and your son's children. Not due to resentment, but due to never being able to visit because you are always tied up childminding.

I see SIL arranging her life on the assumption that her mother will do all the childcare and babysitting, taking on more hours, deciding to have more children, as her exhausted mother sits wondering when the demands will stop. But she feels she has an obligation to go along with it.

I'm sure SIL thinks she is happy to help. And she is. But she is being taken advantage of and taken for granted, and it's not nice to see.

I think when you are a grown up, you cover your own household expenses, and that includes childcare. Using your parents as unpaid childminders is no better than expecting them to clean your house for free.

[FannyNil]

Just to give another perspective... I am 59 with DCs of 24, 23 & 17, so may become a GP in the not too distant future. I am still working full time and expect to do so until I am 65. Many of you will be loving parenthood but I am one who struggles, always have. I muddle through as best I can. I am also divorced and single withut a partner. My work is enthralling (yes, very, very lucky and I know it) but I am exhausted by it. My own parents are dead, I have no brothers or sisters. I am also a chronic insomniac. Once I have GCs I will be willing to babysit in the evenings and at weekends (inc overnight) but would like to have some freedom to try to have a life of my own. Sounds as though for this I will be a pariah and I fully expect to be flamed. I will not expect any of my children to take care of me in my old age nor will I make them feel guilty for not doing so. I am self sufficient and don't expect anyone to help me with anything. If they do it is a bonus and not a right. Family life and relationships are very complicated and in my case very difficult. Sorry, but do I not have any right to a life of my own when I retire? For some of you evidently not.

[MrsDreadfullyMorbidMausoleum]

Not flaming you FannyNil, just sad for you.

[callmemrs]

I can understand where you're coming from, but I imagine in reality its rarely completely 'free', no strings attached. At least in a professional situation you can call the shots about how you want things done. Also, even if relatives start off being willing, situations can change, and it's a hell of a commitment to always fit your life around someone elses Job, free of charge. Also, with people working routinely until late sixties, I think this scenario will become much less common. The only people available to do it will be in their seventies or older! Is it really desirable to expect people at this stage of life to be free childminders?

I understand where you come from but personally even though childcare cost us a mini fortune, I'm glad I was able to freely choose my childrens care. Also, it leaves grandparents free to have a close and loving relationship without it being attached to providing childcare to fit around the parents lives

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Why feel sad for her?

My mother has a wonderful relationship with all her grandchildren, and has time to give occasional help to all her children because she's not tied up being exploited as free childcare by any of us.

I don't know how people can happily spend the grand a month they know came from their mother's unpaid labour.

Someone said it upthread, but my parents raised their children to be independent adults. They are brilliant at helping out, but I think they'd think they'd failed as parents if we expegged them to look after our children while we worked.

[MrsDreadfullyMorbidMausoleum]

Perhaps I didn't word it very clearly.

I don't feel that she should be giving up her life to look after her gc. That's her choice (and as it happens my parents choice too - fair enough).

I feel sad for FannyNil as she says that she finds relationships difficult and that she didn't enjoy parenting. I find that sad, to have spent a lot of years on something that has given little pleasure.

I personally chose not to go back to work when my dc were small, I know I am lucky that it didn't mean they had to go without. One of my abiding memories is of being shuffled from gp to gp when I was small, and not liking it at all.