To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[Melissad]

YANBU at all. My husbands Mother lives in the USA (thank god for that) and mine lives 250 miles away (and is 75 and looking after my sisters kids most days) so I know what you mean.
I'm pregnant with number 3 at the moment and life would be so much easier if I had family nearby who could help. I'm only returning to work two days a week, but it's still going to be a logistical nightmare getting three little people to three different places morning and afternoon (eldest girls at different schools, baby to nursery etc.) before I can do a days work.
Babysitting is painful too. We usually pay for someone to come and babysit. Eldest daughter is 11. I'm looking forward to a few years down the line when she's old enough to babysit, but judging by how silly immature she is at the moment, it might be longer than that!

[NewName228]

YANBU - it can't be pleasant for your mum to be so reluctant.

As other people have said though, family helping with childcare isn't always a picnic.

My Mum and MIL used to help us out when DD was tiny, and whilst I appreciate I was lucky to have that option (especially from a financial POV), it took quite a load off when her free nursery entitlement kicked in and reduced the hours I needed them. When I was made redundant the worry about money was counterbalanced by relief and not having to deal with MIL them in that respect anymore, and thankfully I now work school hours/term time only so don't have to rely on them at all.

Not nice to feel that you can't if you need to though. I realise I'm bloody lucky to have the option.

[SummerRain]

It's been 3 years since dp and I went out together, we never have a single moment of our lives where we aren't within 10 metres of our children, on the alert for crying/shouting/wailing/screaming.

It's exhausting.

My parents are 20 mins away but everything is difficult with my mother, she needs a months warning, she'll do everything in her power to confuse them, she'll make sure I know how awkward it was for her, she'll basically make it so torturous as to be not worth our while. My dad is easy going but won't go out of his way iyswim.

They live 20 minutes away and, apart from my mother coming over the day I went into labour with ds2, have never babysat here for us. Pre-ds2 we used to have to bring the kids to theirs, get them to bed, go out, make small talk when we got back and stay over at theirs as the kids were already down.... hardly a romantic evening out for us: we couldn't go out til 8/9 and had to be back before 12 as they wanted to go to bed, and then we had to spend the night there!

ds2 is extremely anxious and clingy and whilst I think he was at home in his own space he could just about cope, having to do that whole routine and be left without me or dp for the evening would send him into a complete and utter meltdown and negate all the hard work we, he and SALT have expended on boosting his confidence and helping him get past his utter terror of anything different.

When we got the call about ds2's operation it was actually easier to ring dp's mother who lives 6 hours away and ask her to come up to be with the kids!

[usingapseudonym]

I'm also jealous of people who have family who help/care. WE lived 2 hours away from my dad and mum (divorced but still in contact) and they came to see us twice in 2 years. Now I live within a few miles of them but my mum is mentally unwell (in denial I am even pregnant, hasn't been to see me in the year I have been back) and my dad just says things like "well it will be worse with 2" when I say I'm struggling. They just don't have any parental interest/concern at all.

Even if they didn't do any childcare they could at least ask how I am or care. I am due with no 2 soon and am really stuck for someone to take no 1 when I go into hospital. Dad is going skiing (!!) and wasn't overly keen anyway. It looks like husband will have to take no 1 while I labour on my own :(

I have quite a few friends who have gone back to work p/t as they have had grandparents to take the children and they seem to really just assume thats the case for everyone. They are so much financially better off than we are (we can't afford to pay a babysitter!) which is great for them but it is hard when there is no family support at all so YANBU.

I think I do have to just get used to it as jealousy isn't at all productive but it does feel like I'm living on a parallel universe sometimes to people who see their mum every week or who have someone to give children to when they are ill ( I still have a cold 3 weeks later as I just haven't been able to rest :( )

[MajorBOO]

YADNBU. We are lucky to have willing GP who will happily have our kids but they're a couple of hundred miles away.

If we have a child-free wedding to attend for example it's a case of driving for hours to the GPs, dropping the kids off and then driving for hours to the event.

If we go out in the evenings we ALWAYS have to get a babysitter, which is usually between £25 & £30 before you've even paid for taxis, food, drink etc. And as my DH often works late even a "cheap" night at a friend's house with a glass of wine can be cost prohibitive.

However, I do LOVE where we live, and wouldn't want to move to the GP's area, and we have a great relatinship where they can spoil the kids rotten when they see them, and I don't stress about it as it's not a daily/weekly event, so it's swings and roundabouts.

[NightLark]

Yes I'm jealous. I guess it was an unintended consequence of all that getting an education then moving wherever it took for a job. We did manage to engineer a move to the same half of the country as the grandparents, but can't manage to get any closer and stay employed in they kinds of jobs we do.

Haven't been out together for about 2 years.

Have had one night away from DC, for DH's 40th birthday (my parents stayed over to babysit). The offer was not repeated for my 40th, 3 years later.

[Beamur]

YANBU
My Mum lives 10 minutes away and used to look after DD 2 days a week and now does 2 days a week pick ups from school. It saved us a fortune and DD and Granny have a lovely relationship.

[ssd]

op, YANBU

but I am unreasonably jealous of anyone with help, we have absolutely none, and boy is it hard going

[ssd]

ragged -- snap!!

1 night away together in 13 years.....felt like a week in the carribean!!

pity is, it makes you think what it must be like for others who get this regularly and then the resentments gets worse........

its nice that the ones i'mmadlyjealousof on this thread with help do appreciate it, sadly in RL sometimes this isnt so obvious...

[eeyore2]

YANBU and I feel really sad for you about your difficult mum. Makes me realise how blessed we are to have our parents nearby and how lucky our ds (and bump) are to have such a special relationship with grandparents. Both have a cot at home and he stays over regularly and we can't turn the buggy down my parents' street without him shouting 'Grandma house" and insisting we pop in.

I feel so bad for those of you who have parents nearby that don't offer to help, especially usingapseudonym whose dad won't babysit while you give birth. Do you have a friend who could step in for you? We looked after a friend of ds's while her mum gave birth recently and regarded it as a great honour! It was really fun if a little tiring given she arrived at 4am and the children were so excited to see each other they refused to go back to sleep.

[Oblomov]

I too am dead jealous. And what makes it worse is that most of the peole don't even appreciate how lucky they are. I guess they just know no other way.
No help here. And its not becasue of nastiness. Dh's mum is nearly 80(he is the youngest of 6) and lives 2 hrs away and my mum is not in the best of health and likewise lives 1.5 hrs away.
My mum has helped many times, like for a day or so at the birth of ds1 etc, which I am grateful for, but she couldn't do that much more living so far away.

[TadlowDogIncident]

Snap, Oblomov - our lack of help isn't because of nastiness either, just health issues and distance.

This thread is consoling - all my real life friends have support from family, and DH and I often feel a bit as though we're the only people in the world who don't!

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

We moved nearer the PIL as they'd always expressed an interest to help out with any DCs we had. We're still 45mins away from them, but they pick DD up from the CM on a Wednesday afternoon, have her overnight and we pick her up on Thursday evening.

We are of course very lucky as full-time childcare wouldn't be particularly financially viable. I worry however, that the need for us to have PIL look after DD 1.5 days a week puts an extra burden on them. They however, don't think this at all and love having her, but I want them to also have the freedom to do their own things now they're working less. We have picked our battles a little bit (only minor things) but have had to ask them not to give DD too much sugar as she gets diarrhoea, and is then not able to go to the CM!! Caused a few problems but on the whole they're brilliant, spoil her rotten but also get her to bed too

I hope that DH and I can be as helpful to our family when we're old and grey!

[racetobed]

OP, you have a husband!! Can you imagine how difficult it is for women raising a child entirely on their own, especially those whom have sole custody bc the other parent can't be arsed/are abusive/are total dicks?

YABalittletinybitU. Sorry! Count yer blessings and be thankful for you're not a lone parent

(but sorry to hear about your difficult mum, all the same. i can see how it must hurt)

[starfishmummy]

Yanbu.
I have got used to it, but when that person (MIL) drops everything (including taking days off work and she is self employed so no paid holidays) to travel 200 miles to look after the other grandchild it is very galling.

[TheBestWitch]

Obviously it would be worse for a lone parent with no support. But all the lone parents I know have family falling over themselves to do stuff for them (and still go on to me about how I have it easy cos I've got a dh).
You don't have to be the most hard done by person in the world to be a bit pissed off about something.

[tralalala]

racetobed I agree that women who have absolutely no support from anyone are amazing but it doesnt take away from the fact that it's difficult for the Op.

when there is no one to ring in the middle of the night if needed (my dh works away/nights alot), or some one to call on when one of the kids are sick or you are (or as seems to happen to me both).

[LynetteScavo]

I am of my SIL who's parents looked after her DD 5 days a week.

FIL made it very clear that he wasn't up for baby sitting duties, but he has had DS1 for the day a few times when he's been off school. I cannot tell you how grateful I have been.

I will probably be one of those over bearing MIL's insisting I have my grandchildren at every opportunity.

I honestly dream of the day I become a grandma.

[Inghouls2]

Another one in the same boat... and not just slightly jealous, but full on bitter and resentful.
My dh is much older than me and therefore so are my pils ...they would have loved to have helped but being close to 90, it's actually the other way round.
My parents took early retirement and then decided to move to France. They have never looked after my boys.. Dh and I haven't had a night out for 4 years...yet they want to rock up here every xmas and have the full happy family occasion
so Swanky, YANBU...
I can't wait to be a grandparent and I will happily help as much my boys want.

[SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore]

Yanbu-I'm going to pay my childminder just over £50 so I can go out this weekend - and pay £1000 childcare a month to go to work part time.

Dh an I have been to dinner twice since ds was born 3yrs ago, as family are miles away...however willing they may be to help, it's to far for a quick drink out one evening :)

Its tough op-as others have said its must be even harder as a lone parent, but it's still tough, and expensive

[margerykemp]

yanbu

everyone should have free, quality childcare.

[Llanarth]

YANBU. Willing but unable grandparents here (both sets live 4.5 hours away/overseas). Most of my friends grew up in this area (we're blow-ins, hence the grandparent distance) and I think how nice it sounded that when on maternity leave they were to 'pop round' to a grandparent for the afternoon, for a cup of tea, feet up and a little change of scenery. Just something regular to break up the week.

I met a grandmother in the park the other day and her commitment to her grandchild amazed me. This woman (late 60's) had been looking after her granddaughter full-time since she was 6 months (she was now 24 months). She has to drive 15 miles each day, to be at her daughters house for 7.30 am. Does the full day's childcare (and irons when the toddler is napping!!) until the parents come home at 5.30. She then drives 15 miles back to her house, visits her mother in the nursing home 3 days a week, plus does all the usual grandma stuff with her other 4 grandchildren. I asked her how it was second time around and she said it was very tiring...

[Fennel]

Yanbu. We have not had the sort of grandparents who do useful childcare, but in a sense I'm used to it so not that bothered, and as RubyRubyRuby says it cuts both ways. In some ways it's freeing, but I have a very difficult relationship with my parents anyway and don't really want to see them, so them not doing childcare isn't such a disaster. DP was more upset with his parents as they'd done a lot for his older siblings but got bored of grandchildren by the time we had ours.

I think I've been lucky that we've always had friends who offer to do childcare so we haven't found it as hard as many people.

[Tortington]

nothing in life is free

there are strings

many

many

strings

[frightstick]

YANBU, I have a friend who's mother gets to her house every day at 7am to get her children ready for school and do the school run. I would pretend to go to work if someone could do that for me .

Actually what I miss more is just the random help - the taking for a couple of hours while you go shopping, or the impromptu outing which gives you an extra couple of hours to get things done.