To be ever so slightly jealous of people that get free, willing, childcare from family?

[Swankyswishing]

I probably am being unreasonable but hey-ho.

So many people that I know have family that help them out with childcare. A friend of mine works 3 days a week and the childcare for her children is shared between her mother and her mother in law. My sister works full time and her MIL looks after both of her children for her, totally free of charge and free of resentment. Another friend is a midwife, working shifts, and her mum happily stays at hers for several days to provide childcare if her husband is working shifts too and they're finding the childcare hard to manage.

My mum is one of those people that will very rarely do anything to help, and if she does it is met with resentment. She looked after my niece whilst my sister was in labour with my younger niece and my mum moaned about it the whole time. Last week my 2 year old was ill one day and I really didn't want to drag him out onto the school run and I asked my mum to pick up my middle child from school (eldest is at secondary school so obviously makes their own way there and back), and she did do it but very very reluctantly and resentfully, and wouldn't really speak to me when she dropped DD home. BTW my mum doesn't work, doesn't have any friends or do any social things, lives 5 minutes away from me and the school yet apparently this was too much trouble. My inlaws would help more if they could but they both work full time.

I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them for DH and I, but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. I don't work at the moment as there would be no point; all of my wages would get taken up on childcare, there would be no point in working as I have never had a career as such to maintain.

[Chandon]

My parents and PIL are way too busy with their own lives (they all still work, even my dad who is 74) and live too far away.

I don't think looking after My children is THEIR responsibility anyway.

I am not jealous of people who have regular help.

However, I will NOT accept their criticising my SAHM status from the comfortable position of having this help!

[callmemrs]

Completely agree with shecutofftheirtails.
Grandparents should be free to help ALL their grandchildren, not tied up providing childcare at specified hours to suit the parents. I would also find it very difficult to feel I was earning money for my own life while someone else was working, looking after my kids, free of charge.

[inmysparetime]

I feel a bit of people whose parents and PIL are happy and able to provide childcare. My DCs GPs live 200 miles away, and while my parents would like to help, they are self employed and would lose lots of work (even at weekends) in looking after the kids, PIL have actively refused to watch the kids for even an afternoon as "they've done their time". That particular sentiment annoyed me (can you tell?) as it implied children are a punishment and they have been punished enough. My DCs are now 10 and 8, and we've never yet had a night without them both (one at a time at scout camp or sleepovers), but several of my friends and colleagues regularly get weekends to themselves due to local willing GPs.

[Bledkr]

Im due back at work in Jan,dh works shifts so cant rely on him,its going to cost us a fortune for me to work 2 days. My Mum will help but doesnt want to commit which i totally get as she only retired recently and has bought up 4 pf us over a 44 yr period.Pil live 100 miles away but will be providing free childcare for bil and sil when the time comes
I am also a gma tho and i will help with dgs but am still working and have a baby younger than him so again cant commit,its not always that easy but yes it would be lovely.

[ggirl]

yanbu
my parents live in canada
my inlaws have never helped
But it was my choice to live so far away from my family and that's the downside of it

I have warned dd that if she wants me to help her with childcare she needs to stay nearby...my sneaky way of trying to entice her to stay close to family and not emigrate like me.

[mrsravelstein]

YANBU

i confess to being a bit envious of most of my friends who have 1 or 2 sets of GPs who babysit for very regular saturday nights out and weekends away.

my parents babysit have babysat twice in the last 18 months, so we could go out for dinner with friends - we put the dc to bed at 7pm, and then had to be home by 10pm because my parents don't like to stay up late (they're in their 60s and in perfect health....)

MIL lives 5 hours drive away so not incredibly handy from that perspective.

[kerala]

totally agree with shecutoff. Using GPs as full on childcare while you work is too much my aunt and several of my parents friends are really taken advantage off their adult children have them over a barrel. Awful to see. My parents live near by and help sporadically we are very grateful for our nights out and odd weekend away. They were adamant that they would not be tied into any formalised childcare after seeing my aunts situation. They are free to go off backpacking round India and they do. They are also still fun and a novelty to the girls rather than de facto second parents like my aunt and uncle are.

[PetiteRaleuse]

YANBU. My mum and my in-laws each live 1,000km away. We have no family and no friends in this area at all, other than colleagues.

My mum looks after my nephews a lot during the holidays and sometimes picks them up from school etc. It's hard not to feel a bit grumpy and, yes, jealous. Before they went to school she looked after them pretty much full time while my sister worked.

The advantage of living so far away though is that I am a nice healthy distance from my family and DH's family, and this distance is, to me, worth the extra childcare costs.

[TooImmature2BDumbledore]

It's a tricky one. My stepmother gets really hacked off with my granny for refusing to help out. Granny's view is that she helped a lot with me and my sister when we were little, and the fact that Dad chose to marry again and have more kids 18 years later doesn't mean she has to do the same again. Also, she is now 70 and although she is fit and healthy, my grandpa isn't. My stepmother's parents help a lot instead, but they are younger and very willing.

[pink4ever]

YANBU-I am a sahm to 3 dcs and my dh works very long hours. I have no help whatsoever. I am estranged from my mum and even if I wasnt she works 7 days a week. My inlaws are both retired,have a very comfortable life but never offer to help us out. Oh no sorry thats a lie-they babysit once a year on our anniversary-come to our house so we feel we need to be home at a reasonable time so they can get to bed

The thing that really rankles me about this is that they provided and still provide childcare for bil and sil even though the other gc are older teenagers now and are really more than capable of looking after themselves for a few hours. Plus they think it is fine to make snidey asides about me being a sahm and how hard my poor dh works to provide for us all.

Also we go there every sunday for dinner and they try and come round to ours at least once a week-have put a stop to that though. Mil throws a strop if we dont go for dinnner.

Mil especially pisses me off. I know she feels a bit of jealous of her friends who had daughters-she had boys-as she always goes on about how close they are and how much they see each other,how close they are to gc's etc. Yes they are close-because they help out with watching the kids you bloody old witch!!.

I agree with other posters though in that you reap what you sow. Fil is a bit older than mil and more likely to die sooner. If she thinks that she will be living with us or that I will drop everything to help her out she is sadly mistaken.

[diddl]

I think it would be nice for an emergency or an hour or so here & there to get a break.

Not sure I would have wanted regular childcare though.

We are abroad now & have retired couples both sides & both have helped in "emergencies."

One when we hadn´t been here long.

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

while someone else was working, looking after my kids, free of charge

You see, this is where I part company with the argument. As I said upthread, both my mother and MIL insisted, it is entirely voluntary, we took a long time to make the decision etc etc. Both of them see it as part of being a family and, although I never in a million years would have asked them to have DD, at the same time I also feel it's part of family life. It's how it was until recently. Only in the last few years have we taken childcare from the family and made it into a job. I hope to be around long enough to return the favour to my children. It's also the reason I have babysat my nieces and nephew, even for long weekends countless times over the last 7 years. Because that's what families (should) do, or at least, it's what my family does. No strings, no guilt, no presure.

[rhondajean]

YANBU at all.

MIL is very good, she picks up from school for us when she can, usually one day a week in uni term time, but she works full time 5/7 over the weekend with 2 midweek days off. As a result she cant have them for a weekend.

DM does not get left alone with the children for several reasons.

We are both only children, so no aunts and uncles there.

I work with women who are grandparents and they do actually have their grandchildren every second weekend just so the parents can have some time to themselves, we know people whos children at at the gps EVERY weekend (I wouldnt want that, seems excessive to me) and I get green at the gills at the fact that they seem to want to do it, its not a problem, its not an imposition, it doesnt take weeks of planning to do anything.

I have one very good friend who is great at helping out but without her, we would rarely be able to do anything and we both feel a bit [petted lip] about it at times. Its nice to know that we arent the only ones in this - or worse - situations re childcare.

[forehead]

I really wouldn't want my dm to commit to looking after my dc tbh. She is a fantastic grandmother and has them for a few days during the summer holiday. I personally think that is unfair to ask parents to look after children regularly. OP's situation is different, as her dm does not seem willing to help at all.
I find looking after my own dc exhausting and i am relatively young. I don't know how gps cope tbh.
BTW, there are always strings........

[aquavit]

Think it's quite understandable that you are envious of those who have successful childcare from GPs - it is a very very fortunate position to be in. But agree with bibbity that envy can be a very destructive emotion and the nature of your childcare is only one of a great many different ways in which you can be fortunate.

There does seem to be a bit of blurring on this thread over 1. the straightforward financial advantages of GP childcare and 2. the issue of good relationships between your children and their GPs. If the second is what's bothering you more, then are there other ways to address it? (as others have pointed out, having GPs care for children while you're at work isn't a guaranteed route to happy relationships within the family...)

[GuillotinedMaryLacey]

BTW, there are always strings........

Really? We we're nearly 3 years in to this arrangement and have been string-free so far so I'm happy for you to enlighten me.

My MIL has asked if she can continue having DD one day a week when I stop work next month. Is that a string?

[halcyondays]

Some gps really do want to spend as much time as possible with their gc and are more than happy to look after them regularly while parents work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that if they genuinely want to do it, then it's a great arrangement or all concerned. I don't think strings need to be attached in this kind of situation. What is wrong is when some people try to guilt trip gps who maybe aren't in the best of help into taking on regular childcare when they aren't really up to it.

[gramercy]

I agree with the poster up thread who pointed out that some of the worst sneering at SAHMs comes from those with huge amounts of free family childcare. I suppose they just take the help for granted.

I remember when I tentatively suggested a babysitting circle at dd's playgroup. Good Lord - you'd have thought I'd suggested a group shag of the caretaker. "But why don't you ask your parents ?" was one person's reply. Yep - only that would involve a seance.

[kenobi]

For me the only strings are that my DM and DMiL expect to have their say in DD's care. But as they are both reasonable people and seem to mostly trust me and DH to do what is best, this isn't a hardship.

We rely on them to do alternative Fris and when they go on hols (which both sets do with gay abandon - retirement is suiting them!) we pay for help. We would never consider expecting them to put our needs above their own.

But like I say, they get a lot out of it too. DFiL hardly knew his kids (policeman who worked nights) but adores his grandchildren and they repay the favour.

Interesting point about the SAHM/WOHM debate and SAHMs sometimes having less help.

[kenobi]

Oh gramercy I want to laugh and give you a hug at the same time.

[cuteboots]

My mum has just started to pick my son up from school but he has previously always been with a childminder. I have never asked for her help but she offered and is doing a fabulous job and as my stepdad doesnt like kids it gives her quality time as well with my son. We do have an agreement in place that if it gets too much or she needs to do other stuff thats cool and we will revert back to plan A . She wont take any money from me so I pay her fuel each week .

[emmyloo2]

Yanbu. I am one of the lucky ones I am afraid. I work full time as does my DH and we share child care between my mother and MIL. My parents and MIL also babysit friday or Saturday nights when required. I am very grateful. My mum is amazing - she adores her grandson and would look after him full-time if she still didn't work part time herself. She has always been like this though - an amazing selfless mother. I am very very lucky and I am sorry your Mum isn't the same. I guess you can only vow to whelp out your own children when they have kids.

[FlossieFromCrapstonVillas]

I know someone whose parents are there on tap. She is vile to her Mother, Totally takes her for granted. I have had help but now none, to be honest we just get on with it, it's life. I do not begrudge anyone who has help from their parents.

[catsmother]

Ha ha at Gramercy's caretaker scenario !

That's the thing though - it can actually be hard to start a babysitting circle if no-one else you know needs one. Even if they do, if you're a single parent yourself, babysitting for other people's kids is somewhat problematic unless you get into the realms of sleepovers ... otherwise who looks after your child when you're elsewhere ?!

I don't think most posters on this thread expect family to provide free childcare, though obviously it's great if someone wants to do this ... I certainly couldn't pay nothing though, or would have to make up with gifts etc. What really hurts though is the complete lack of emergency childcare/support many of us have had to face. In 12 years of paid childcare I genuinely needed my mum probably for a total of 7-8 days when I had nowhere else to turn and it's very hard to have to accept that she didn't care enough to agree to help. When you compare something like that to people who do get regular, non-emergency childcare - which usually indicates a great family relationship, it's very very hurtful.

[ssd]

gramercy you made me laugh and nod my head in agreement there!

I too tried to set up a babysitting circle and was met with blank stares

most of the mums there except me had regular free family childcare, and it seemed thats what suited them, they didnt want to babysit for me and have the favour returned, they just wanted free babysitting and them to give nothing back (from their mums/mil's)

so we dont get out much.......