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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH NOT to have a bath?

88 replies

cheekster · 17/10/2011 00:40

DH comes home from work at roughly 5pm. He has a manual job and comes home fairly dirty. Because of this he wants to get in the bath as soon as he comes home.

The thing is, 5pm - 7pm is a pretty hectic time at our house with tea, bath and bed for our 2 boys (10m and 3). At the moment I find myself doing everything (including making the tea and doing the washing up) and this week I have just gone back to work after mat leave and could really do with a bit of support at this time.

The thing is DH has severe OCD, so a bath isnt a half hour thing. He has to wash himself a certain way for a certain number of times and start from the beginning if he 'does it wrong.' It mostly takes an hour, although it can take more. I have asked him to take a shower instead as he doesnt seem as bad when he has a shower but he says he prefers baths.

So AIBU to ask him to not get in the bath until the children are in bed? I am sympathetic on the whole towards his OCD, he hates that he is this way but Im not sure I can take anymore!

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/10/2011 10:15

Swanky & Bledkr
My DH is a SAHD so I have no issues but I once had a conversation with a colleague i.e. a WOHM whose DH was a bit hands off where she used the expression "babysitting" for her DH looking after their DD. I pointed out the word she was looking for was parenting. You can't "babysit" your own child and he wasn't doing her a favour by doing some childcare.

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 17/10/2011 10:18

Well unless he´s working naked, I assume that all of him isn´t filthy?

My Dad had a manual job, but know way did he need to wash for an hr a day!

Oh and if OPs husband can manage with a shower then he should!

Perhaps many of us would prefer a long bath, but with other things to do, we forgo it!

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 10:21

It mut depend on the individual child,my dd does lots of dancing and is a big sweaty betty so really would only go a day without one,the baby is dribbly and doing blw so really does need one at night,also she never gets nappy rash which i do put down to the daily soak.

On the other subject as i said earlier,if dh's need to bath thoroughly is part of his rituals then fine he needs to do it but the time is not dictated by his ocd or he wouldnt be able to last at work without a big bath.

Either he compromises,or you do only some of the bedtime chores leaving him to wash up and make packed lunches for example,or do stories after his epic bathtime.

Whatever he does tho he needs to seek help for this or it will get worse as the rituals get greater.

sarahtigh · 17/10/2011 10:22

if you have dry skin etc, dermatologists recommend bathing every 2-4 days, washing skin and hair every day does strip away natural oils, you could easily skip bathing 2-3 nights a week without any detrimental effect whatsoever. However in certian jobs like mining construction plasterer you would definitely need to wash shower after work each day, a shower in morning is not an option and dealing with food etc before washing would not be advisable

my Dh sometimes works in very dirty conditions particles get almost imbedded in skin and hands and hair does take more than 5-10 minutes to get clean, I think OP's Dh really does need bath as soon as he gets in and not just because of OCD , I would think without OCd probably 25-30 minutesbut after that he could deal with kids and perhaps give them a winding down time without bath, if they need to be in bed early may be on days she works have tea before Dad arrives home and then they can eat when kids in bed

I am not suggesting OP DH does not help he could help prepare tomorrows dinner night before look after kids another time etc

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 10:25

chaz I hope you have a nice long bath when you get in
Yes "babysitting " haha. Dh was invited to amassive stag do abroad when dd was 2 weeks,he said he couldnt go but many of the men told him "you wont have to do anything the woman does it all " angry

Robotindisguise · 17/10/2011 10:31

I get that he is struggling with the OCD but the point is that you should make an effort to conquer it, especially when it impacts on other people.

I think he should be able to shower when he gets in but a ten minute shower is more than reasonable (what is your heating / water bill like?!) and that's what he should be aiming for.

I'm not underestimating the pull of giving in to OCD but to inconvenience everyone else around you isn't on either.

SearchSquad · 17/10/2011 10:32

I think you should consider giving your DCs a quick shower in the morning and a longer bath during weekends. I make my DS have a shower in the morning before preschool and it never takes more than 5-7 mins. Or better still, you can delegate your OH to do this.

Plan ahead for the dinner and make your OH clean up after tea in the evening. Or ask him to take over the bed time routine for the DC.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 10:33

cheekster your DH needs to go to the GP & get some meds. He needs to accept, as Ionysis's DH does, that the OCD is his problem and that he needs to reduce the impact of it on the family as much as possible. As others have said, it's not (totally) incurable. He is currently being a very selfish man.

GW - it's up to you if you want to be a mug, it doesn't mean others have to be. No matter what your skin condition or how dirty you are, it does not take an hour to get clean.

Bathing kids once a week is skanky. Lazy & skanky. Ruining their immune system & them having delicate skin is just a poor attempt at excusing lazy behaviour. Kids get dirty, smelly & sweaty - just because someone (or their mother) can't smell them, doesn't mean they don't smell. Urgh. I personally think every other night is pushing it.

DroveABroomstick · 17/10/2011 10:47

Children should be bathed in morning , and showered / washed at night.

Reason for this ...young children wear nappies at night. And school age children are prone to catching threadworms so bath in morning is good as will wash eggs away and make getting rid of the eeugh easier.

Shower at night removes dirt before bed.

You cannot expect dh to change his OCD behaviors without medical help...it's not realistic.

Would be easier for you to feed kids earlier , and just let them play whilst you and dh have your meal , then get them clean ,put them to bed together even if it is slightly later ? .

OCD can't be cured , it can be managed.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 10:55

ChippingIn, I totally agree; an acquaintance of mine baths her kids once a week and cites the old "immune system" thing, but in reality she lives in a filthy shithole of a house and she is simply too lazy to bath them. Her kids look dirty; their hair looks greasy and they do smell at times. Okay, there once was a time when people really did only bath once a week but these days with easily obtained hot water and a built-in bath/shower in every home, there is no excuse for only having a bath or shower once a week. I have to bath or shower every day, I would feel greasy, skanky, itchy and irritable if I didn't. Those that don't, and worse still, that don't bath their children daily, are lazy.

Those of you that only bath your children once a week; do you bath/shower more often than that? I do hope so

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 11:17

is it just me or is there nothing better than a freshly bathed babygro'd baby,i love that time of day,just the smell makes me feel good.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 11:38

Bledkr - nope, not just you! It's worth the (very minor) inconvenience of bath time!

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 17/10/2011 11:51

In defence of Galaxy my DH has a very dirty manual job. He works on a furnace so the dirt gets ingrained into his skin. He showers when he finshes work, then again when he gets home. And most of the time he still isnt clean!
If we're going anywhere (or on his last run of shifts) he has to shower for about an hour just so he doesnt have grey skin!!
(he also has a touch of OCD, unfortunately none of it is cleaning related [hgrin] !)

NotnOtter · 17/10/2011 12:03

I agree - OCD or not he is a father
He can shower first then bathe after kids
Children need quick dip daily IMO - lovely!

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 17/10/2011 12:08

How many days a week do you work OP? If, for example, you do Mon, Weds, Fri, it wont hurt bathe them every other day (sun, Tues, Thurs) if its easier for you. Plus its only school days that they need to be bathed in the evening (if you're not in work obv)
trying to give practical solutions rather than suggest DH cures medical condition by pulling himself together (a la depression)

CreamolaFoamless · 17/10/2011 12:14

if he is coming in all sweaty with bits of work stuff on him a bath or shower is the best thing

I think alot of guys who do manuel work prefer a bath to a shower when they get in at night .

I think it relaxes the muscles ?

sismith42 · 17/10/2011 12:29

"I could make the tea the night before I suppose, not sure I want to spend my nights doing this though"
Your DH could make the tea for the next day after he eats, and do the washing up for both preping dinner and the family dining.

YABU to expect him to not get clean the second he comes in, but your DH is BU to somehow see the OCD as a get-out clause.

Obviously it's none of my buisness what mental health help he's getting (or not) for his OCD, but you yourself might want to consider councelling yourself for how it's affecting you and how you can cope better with it.

RachelHRD · 17/10/2011 12:34

As an OCD sufferer I sympathise with both of you. I know your DH won't be able to just have a quick dip or shower - for those who don't understand OCD you can't just switch it off as it affects your every waking moment and in many cases everything you do - so he won't just be able to snap out of it and change his bathing habits. If he doesn't currently have professional help he really needs to start seeking it for his sake and that of his family. I recall you posting before and seem to recall he wasn't keen on getting help or being on anti-depressants?

In the meantime I think you need to try and set a routine to help you out with the kids during the week. Could you batch cook and freeze at the weekend (with the help of DH) and then feed them and get them ready for a bath whilst h is in the bath. Agree they don't need a bath every day. Could he then bath them once he is done and finish the bedtime routine whilst you have some time out downstairs or get your and his tea ready and then he washes up after?

It is so tough living with OCD for both the sufferer and the family. He really needs to look into getting some help - it's a miserable existence and can be overwhelming.

It if helps you can PM me if you need advice or a shoulder

R x

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 12:39

But Galaxy, from what you've said they aren't getting a proper wash; you've said in earlier posts that you only wash their face, neck and hands each day (and I do hope they wash their hands at other times of day too not just the once). Face, neck and hands aren't generally smelly areas are they? Like I said, yes, our parents' generation did only bath once a week or so because that was the only option available to them. Things are different nowadays and there is no excuse for leaving children unbathed for a week I'm afraid.

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 12:44

i find bathtime a help,dd's are tired and grumpy but its too early for bed so it keeps them going and i usually clean the bathroom when they are playing in the bath.

rach aggree it cant be switched off but he obviously manages to resist the bath untill he gats home so why not another hour?

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 12:45

Galaxy clearly you are getting very upset over this. I am not the only one on this thread who has stated that children need a bath more than once a week. I do actually feel quite sorry for your children; you may think they are fine but actually they might have other children at school laughing behind their backs for being smelly or for having greasy hair. But hey, as long as their immune systems are built up it's not a problem is it?

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