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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH NOT to have a bath?

88 replies

cheekster · 17/10/2011 00:40

DH comes home from work at roughly 5pm. He has a manual job and comes home fairly dirty. Because of this he wants to get in the bath as soon as he comes home.

The thing is, 5pm - 7pm is a pretty hectic time at our house with tea, bath and bed for our 2 boys (10m and 3). At the moment I find myself doing everything (including making the tea and doing the washing up) and this week I have just gone back to work after mat leave and could really do with a bit of support at this time.

The thing is DH has severe OCD, so a bath isnt a half hour thing. He has to wash himself a certain way for a certain number of times and start from the beginning if he 'does it wrong.' It mostly takes an hour, although it can take more. I have asked him to take a shower instead as he doesnt seem as bad when he has a shower but he says he prefers baths.

So AIBU to ask him to not get in the bath until the children are in bed? I am sympathetic on the whole towards his OCD, he hates that he is this way but Im not sure I can take anymore!

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 17/10/2011 08:40

I think you are very unreasonable! Your DH is really dirty at 5pm, and he cannot change the pattern. Your boys could have a bath at another time with less impact on their well-being.

ionysis · 17/10/2011 08:43

I think many of the posts here are from people who have no experience with ocd. There is no way her husband (unmedicated) could come in and not wash himself. He woudnt be ABLE to help if he hadn't done his ritual clean. Ocd can be an extremely serious and debilitating illness. He husband is not CHOOSING to do this. It is a COMPULSION. Hence the advice for her to try to compromise.

For those saying kids don't need to bathe every night - for many it is an integral part of the bedtime routine. My DC have bathed almost every night of their lives before bed and it relaxes them and is absolutely part of their bed time process. Even if its just a splash in and out for one minute.

FairyBlueBell · 17/10/2011 08:46

Eliminate the "need" to bathe the kids every night. 3 times a week works fine and itchy skin on DS legs is a thing of the past

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 09:16

I am wondering if it were awoman who needed to bathe for hrs over her dc's bedtime people would be so forgiving ocd or not.I have been suffering form pnd and a compulsion to lay in bed all day but i managed to drag myself up every day to care for them.
Op is he seeking help for his ocd?

slavetofilofax · 17/10/2011 09:17

Ionysis, you are right about OCD, it is a compulsion and it can be debilitating.

But that doesn't mean that absolutely nothing can be done about it. He could choose to get himself help. If he has truly done everything he can to manage this condition, and he still needs to bath for an hour or more at the most hectic time of the family day, then fair enough. Only at that point, should teh OP be thining about changing her routine and that of her children.

Until he has made the effort to try and get help, he doesn't deserve to dictate the OP's evening when in theory, he could be helping.

Bonsoir, the DH may be dirty at 5.00pm and need to get clean, but it doesn't need to take as long as it does. He could be clean and ready to help in 10 minutes.

hester · 17/10/2011 09:24

Of course she needs to be understanding - he can't just 'get over' his OCD - but I too bristle slightly at the implication that she has to do all the accommodating. They need to work out a solution TOGETHER.

He needs to seek help for his OCD. Until then, they need to find a way of sharing out the tasks so it works for both of them. If dh can't get involved with feeding and bathing the children, he certainly could take over after - maybe doing the washing up and preparing a meal to be kept for the next day. Absolutely no reason for her to do it all, they may just need to flex the timings about what gets done when.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 09:29

I agree, Hester; if the OP's DH simply has to have his hour-long bath then ways need to be decided to divide the labour in a fairer way.

Bledkr, I thought the same thing myself; if a woman posted on here saying she needed an hour long bath every evening at childrens' tea/bath/bedtime there would be uproar and she would undoubtedly be called selfish. The bottom line here is men seem to have more choices and get away with putting themselves first whilst women are generally expected to put up and shut up because they are "mothers"

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 09:32

interesting that the ops dh can manage to be dirty all day whilst working but cant manage to stay dirty for an extra half hour whilst he peels some spuds or sits and watches the kids in the bath.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 09:46

GalaxyWeaver, the OP's husband isn't just having "a shower" though; he is having a bath which lasts an hour. I'm sure the OP wouldn't be complaining if it was literally a quick shower and change.

I am gobsmacked that you only bath your children once a week too. It's unhygienic, surely they get smelly after a few days with no bath?

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 09:51

If mine didnt bath for a week the baby would be sore and have aweeks food in her neck creases and dd1 would have dreadlocks
Once again its better to me a man in the world.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 09:54

I totally agree, Bledkr. It always seems to me that men have choices. My DH can choose if he wants to bath the kids or not or if he wants to just sit on his arse in front of the TV. He knows i won't leave them unbathed and don't want them running around downstairs until 9pm so he knows I will go and sort them out. Men do seem to get a better deal.

mousyfledermaus · 17/10/2011 09:56

first of all I would leave the washing up to your dh. if you are making tea it is only fair for him to do that.
then I would just put the dc into the bath with him.

GalaxyWeaver · 17/10/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnybella · 17/10/2011 10:00

He needs to try therapy/meds.

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 10:03

mousy

swanky I am fed up with reading about it on mn,all the men who never get up with their babies in the night or spend all their freetime playing games or gyming. My dh is great with our dd's gets up with the baby when its his turn does some cleaning etc. Im sick of people saying how "great he is" fgs they are his kids too. Nobody says im great.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 10:04

How can it take someone over an hour to get clean in the shower? Surely the dirt all washes off in 5 or 10 minutes, Galaxy? Also with regards to your children it's all very well saying you wash their face, hands and neck every morning, but in case you haven't noticed, children aren't the best at wiping their own bums, or if they're in nappies they get a bit smelly, and their armpits and feet get quite sweaty and smelly too, if left unbathed for as long as a week. I bath my children every day and it's never ruined their immune systems. I think it's a bit of a cop-out excuse really, an excuse for being too lazy to bath children more frequently. You are leaving them open to having the piss taken out of them at school for being smelly and having greasy hair.

MrsNorthman · 17/10/2011 10:04

OCD is a serious mental illness that can be cured. FACT. He must seek treatment for his OCD www.ocduk.org is a good place to start. It will take time but for his own sake he needs treatment regardless of whether it clashes with DC's bathtimes or mealtimes.

Good luck

Bledkr · 17/10/2011 10:05

galaxy an hours shower He is"washing thoroughly" isnt he

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 10:06

Bledkr, me too! My DH stayed home with the kids for a weekend recently whilst I went away with friends and people kept saying "Oh aren't you lucky that he's prepared to babysit them for a whole weekend". Erm no, they're his kids, luck doesn't come into it. I too get fed up with hearing that men who pull their weight are great, us women are expected to get on with things yet men seemingly can do their token parenting or cleaning bit and get a medal for it.

squeakytoy · 17/10/2011 10:06

I am with Galaxy on this. Nobody needs to have a bath every day unless they are covered in dirt. A quick wash is more than enough, with a bath once or twice a week.

Swankyswishing · 17/10/2011 10:07

Squeakytoy, no one is saying a bath every single day is necessary. But once a week?? Seriously??

baabaapinksheep · 17/10/2011 10:08

It is unfair that your DP expects to spend over an hour in the bath when you are battling with the DC, OCD or not (and I say this as someone who's DP had severe OCD). If he wanted to he could get some help with his OCD, it is his choice not to. He is a father and he needs to realise that if his OCD is getting in the way of this then it is time to sort it out. It is not an uncurable condition!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/10/2011 10:10

He may prefer baths but I think it is reasonable to push him to have a shower when he comes in so he is not out of action for an hour or more. I don't really see how he can insist on his perference for a bath when it is leaving you in the lurch. He can always have a full bath experience later in the evening after the children are in bed.

Leave the washing up for him as well. OK, it might not get done straight away but as long as it is done then that is all that matters.

Has he seen his GP because if his OCD is having an impact on the family as a whole then perhaps he should consider getting some help.

hester · 17/10/2011 10:13

I think a weekly bath is fine for children - allowing for individual variation e.g. sports activity, inherent smelliness of child . It was the norm when we were dc.

My kids have more, but that's because it's part of their bedtime routine, a good way to calm them down, and fun. I don't think it's necessary for hygiene reasons.

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