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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish that DS(19)didnt spend so much time with his girlfriend

15 replies

funnyperson · 16/10/2011 09:16

DS shares a student house with his girlfriend and spends all his time in her room 'because my internet doesn't work in my room' and walks with her to and from college at times which she dictates. I began last year by thinking how nice it was, but after he failed his first year I'm beginning to think their relationship isn't doing him a lot of good. He has told me he thinks its a bit time consuming and she seems very clingy- always rings when I am with him ( once a fortnight) for example, and also a bit competitive- takes his text books. They are 19 and (repeating) first years. Am I being unreasonable to wish that DS was able to be more of an individual.

OP posts:

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 09:19

YANBU - it does sound a bit like an unhealthy relationship.

However, your son is an adult, and can make his own decisions. Have you said anything to him about her?

DownbytheRiverside · 16/10/2011 09:23

If he can't work on his studies because of the relationship, he's going to fail again. So will she.
They need to get a balance in their lives, it's unlikely they will be able to repeat their first year for a third time, so what do they plan on doing when they are asked to leave.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 16/10/2011 09:25

YANBU but he is an adult now and has to be able to form his own relationships. Talk to him about failing his first year and discuss his plan to get good results this year. Especially if you are contributing financially to his studies. But don't mention his girlfriend specifically; it will alienate him. Talk about what times he needs to study and the best environment for this. Perhaps encourage him to talk to his tutor re improving his studies.

margerykemp · 16/10/2011 09:40

He's not a child anymore-butt out. Their relationship is none of your business. This woman could be the mother of your dgc, alienating her will only hurt you in the long run.

ssd · 16/10/2011 09:48

you sound nice op, I dont know how to handle this myself, but dont blame you in the slightest for wanting whats best for your ds

hopefully things'll fizzle out and he'll get back to studying more soon

quornsausages · 16/10/2011 09:52

Are you funding him at all while he studies?

If so, I'd tell him that this is it - if he fails this year, there will be no more funding from you, he is on his own. When I was a student, I had that threat from my dad that if I ever failed a course, that would be it - no going back. It worked on me, even when I met my now DH and wanted to spend every moment with him (though it helped he was in an uni about 100 miles away).

I'd avoid saying anything about the girlfriend, and just put the onus on the studies.

DownbytheRiverside · 16/10/2011 10:42

A lot of 19 year olds don't see the consequences, or cope well with an unequal and unbalanced relationship. Lack of experience can mean that a helpful, more mature adult can be a useful sounding-board.
Mine are 16 and 20, I haven't 'butted out' of their lives yet.

TheVampireEmpusa · 16/10/2011 10:44

All you can do is be there for him, the fact he's told you he finds her clingy shows he has his own doubts. Just continue to be there for him, it's good he can get away from her even for a short while to see you.

confusedpixie · 16/10/2011 13:20

YANBU. But there isn't much you can do. He'll learn eventually, I did and learnt my lesson harshly!

Rollon2012 · 16/10/2011 13:27

YANBU but he needs to figure this out himself

Trills · 16/10/2011 13:40

YANBU to think it, but he is 19, you need to let him manage his own relationships.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 16/10/2011 13:40

YANBU - he is jeopardising his degree with this relationship. He needs to work out his priorities fast, before this repeat 1st year also ends in failure (I don't think they're allowed to redo it after 2 fails either, although things may have changed).

however - he'll go his own way - all you can do is give him the information re. his situation and let him get on with it.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 14:04

Will you be seeing him over half term?

There is no harm in asking him how things are going and if he needs help/advice in any way.

I am still asked by my grown up DD for my opinion and still ask other family members what they think/for support, at times, i don't get this 'butt out' thing, since when do we do that, if support is needed?

Obviously many do, as there are numerous threads on here where the OP wishes that they had more support from their family. You don't have to wait to be asked to give it, you offer and then back off if you are told to.

hellhasnofury · 16/10/2011 14:17

YANBU but from personal experience in a similar situation, the more you push adult kids the more determined they become to make it work. I supsect the relationship will fizzle out, as someone else has already said it does sound as if your DS has his doubts.

discobeaver · 16/10/2011 14:19

19 is very young still, and very inexperienced. He does have to figure things out for himself, but there's no reason you can't help him do it.
You don't have to alienate the girl, but if he's saying she is clingy he might be asking for your opinion. He might think this is how relationships are meant to be, he might be unsure of how to distance himself given they share a house. When you do things for the first time often you mess up, and it's easy to view a relationship from a distance and be able to see problems, but when you are young, possibly insecure and inexperienced it's very hard.

So I don't think I would butt out. But I'm not sure exactly what I would do, sorry.

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