to stop at one DC just because DH and I like the freedom of having just one?

[moraletotallydestroyedbypoopoo]

This is slightly inspired by the 'what would you like to do if you had more time on your own' thread...

I can't help feeling that it would be wrong or selfish in some way, like we're somehow not doing the family thing properly by having 2 (which is rubbish, because I know plenty of only children and people with only one DC who consider themselves to have a proper family!)

I have great relationship with my DB so feel like I would be depriving my DD of that, but on the other hand DH and his DSis don't like each other at all, so just having a sibling doesn't guarantee happiness.

I can't help feeling that with more than one DC DH and I won't get the time to do our own thing properly until the DCs leave home! AIBU, and selfish, and childish?

I'm an only child and always wanted to have at least 2 children. Personally I think once you have one child, having a second with a small age gap doesn't make much difference in terms of your freedom, as you've already lost your freedom after having the first. Of course it's more difficult in some ways with two, but easier in other ways. We have two and no plans to have more as once you have three or more it must be so much harder logistically.

Hi uselesspregnantmum I'm certainly not going to flame you, despite the fact that you kind of imply that I've already made the decision not to give my child a sibling and am therefore selfish [hwink]. Your argument is valid, and those are the kind of experiences I had with my sibling as we grew up and they are very very important to me. However, there are other ways to live your life and have a family and I am just considering them. My DHs sister made his life a misery and he can't stand her!

As a child, I always envied children with siblings and in adult life I really do envy those who have close siblings. If they get on well, they can be a great support especially when you have your own children or go through hard times. My mum died when I was 15 and my dad is nearly 80, he still has his sister who he's very fond of. I'm very glad I had my two, of course they don't always get on , but they're very close and love each other, and hopefully will remain close as adults. For many siblings there is a bond that you rarely get with friends, for example I think you would find many more people who would be willing to donate a kidney to a sibling than a friend, or to adopt their children if they died.

I'm not sure how having two stops you doing your own thing any more than with one tbh?

I find myself biting at uselesspregnantmum's post - not because of what she says, but because of the so very confrontational way she says it.

I don't agree that "giving your child a sibling is a great gift". What does that make the sibling, nothing more important than a Tigger from ToysRus? Surely if the only reason you are having a second child is to make child number one happy, then that is just as selfish?

All the 'memories' can be made just as easily with friends, relatives and parents.

My DD isn't lonely, she has plenty of friends and actually enjoys being able to come back inside and switch off the noise of being around others - something you cannot always do with siblings.

Selfishly I also enjoy being able to buy/give DD stuff that I couldn't afford with more than one. It gives me pleasure to be able to do for my child what my parents couldn't do for me.

I am one of 5 - Of my siblings: 2 have onlies (inc me), 2 have huge gaps (10 yrs and 12 yrs) and one has 2 children.

DH is one of 3 - DH has one with Ex Wife, 1 with me (there is a 10 yr gap between them), 1 sister has an only, other sister has 2 with a 9 year gap.

As much as some onlies go on to wish they had siblings and procreate accordingly some people from larger families go the other way. There is no science about it, and I think it is wrong to brand another person 'selfish' just because they feel differently to you.

uselesspregnantmum that is exceptionally rude.

OP I have an only (for various reasons) and she's going to stay that way as I am too old to have any more... we have a fantastic and easy life with her, and I do go out of my way to be sociable, with constant visits to friends, meeting other children etc, but that's no hassle as I'm a gregarious person.
There simply is no right or wrong answer; for everyone who loves their siblings, there's someone (like me) who got on really really badly with their brother growing up. We tolerate each other now but he was vile to me for years, and always excused by my mum for unfathomable reasons (pfb? who knows). I do get on with my sister btw.
Anyway, my point is that anecdotally we all know happy onlies like my best friend, or those who wished they had siblings. Or the flipside, those who had siblings but hated them. Grass is always greener, all I can tell you is that of course it's not selfish, and there's no magic formula to a happy family, but we are thrilled with our lot .

Having one child is perfectly fine.
Having more than one child is perfectly fine.

I have 2 DSs born 18 months apart. As others on the thread have said, I felt that I had a far easier time as a parent than those with only one child. However when they reach the teenage years and need taxis here there and everywhere it would be easier with only one.

DS1 passed his driving test a few months ago and gave ds2 a lift to their school open evening last night - the first time he's been out in the car without us. I had quite a lump in my throat!

I think views on this are very much coloured by personal experience. Personally I felt as a child that my parents ruined my childhood by producing siblings, and I could see it as 'selfish' that they chose to do that. Of course that would be just as silly, they did what seemed right to them, and it was their choice to make. It certainly made me very unhappy though and restricted my opportunities (e.g. they could have paid school fees for one child, but not three, and didn't feel it was fair to single one out), and I've never 'thanked' them for it!

Similarly those who had lonely singleton childhoods might well understandably feel the opposite.

And it's fine to make your own decision based on your own personal experiences and feelings. Not reasonable though to judge others for theirs and call them selfish. It can be a selfish choice either way, or indeed a very selfless one. It's up to each couple to decide what seems best for them and their family.

but giving your child a sibling is a great gift

In that case, do you think my mum can find the recipt so I can take the present called my gambling, lying, theiveing, child abandoning, utter bastard brother back and change my "gift" for something nicer.

Like dose of herpes.

Useless (sorry that feels rude calling you that!)

I think you are totally wrong. When I think of the things you describe I have loads of memories like that, just they are with my cousins or kids from my village. I reckon I'm the outgoing person I am today because I couldn't rely on the constant company of other people vaguely in my age-group who lived in my house (i.e. siblings). I had several pen-friends from my (admittedly necessary) holiday friend making! Anyway, not everyone is obsessed with nuclear families and memories and 'being together'. I must admit I find it all a bit cultish and stifling.

Being an only (most-of-the-time) is actually in the interests of my son, as I have mentioned I am on my own a lot of the time and overseas. It would be positively foolish of me to overeach myself which could happen with 2 or more DCs.

I think what you are saying comes from a good intention, but its still really offensive and ridiculous to us only-child parents, sorry.

ArtVandelay, you realise the reason you had cousins to do things with?

Because your parents had siblings. Your kids and their kids won't have that.

A sibling is not a gift for you to choose to give. It's a fucking human being who will be a real live person, with attitudes and desires that might make it unsuitable as a model sibling. What a dreadful, naive and entitled attitude to take to producing a life.

AndiMac did you miss the "or kids from the village"?

I have shed loads of cousins. I didn't play with a single one. All my cousins have ever meant to me were even more people for my mother to invite to weddings!

There are a lot of advantages of being an only child, not least more parental attention and more money.

I would completely understand anyone who just had one child.

As I said before I'm an only child who had an only child, and very happy with that. My mum is from a family of ten kids. She says it was rubbish. Every situation has its advantages and disadvantages.

I didn't miss the "or kids from the village", I was highlighting the fact that Art was talking about not needing siblings because she had cousins. You don't cousins without siblings, so somewhere along the way, if you want to rely on extended family, you need siblings.

Another thing is, kids from the village don't move with you if your family does they way siblings do.

As for all the people giving a hard time for the idea of a sibling as a present, lighten up. No one but the most screwed up of parents would regard another child as nothing but a plaything for the first-born. But when you currently only have one and any future children are theoretical, it's easy to think of the reasons it would be good to have another child in terms of the child you already have. It's a gift for both children to have a sibling, if you prefer it that way, and not in the same terms as a new Ben-10 or Sylvanian Family toy is a gift.

You don't *get cousins without siblings.

I'm not trying to offend anyone who has only one child - the OP posted in AIBU, asking if she was being selfish, and I replied that in her case, in my opinion, her reasons for not having another child are selfish, as they are based around herself and her DH and not her child.

People choose to have one child for many different reasons, some selfish, some not. In this case, I think the reasoning is selfish. People also choose to have many children for selfish reasons too! But that was not the question here. The question was, am I being selfish to have only one child? And I happen to think so, yes.

I stand by what I said about siblings being a great gift - Teetik, gifts can come in many forms, sorry if you lack the imagination to see that, and I don't see how that is naive or entitled, what an odd thing to say.

Yes, some siblings are nightmares. But I would say that in the majority of cases, most people are glad to have them, both as children and adults. I would not be without mine, they are my best friends and allies and my life would have been a lot emptier without them.

The same goes for my kids, they have friends who are onlies whose parents are constantly on the phone trying to arrange play dates and fill their kids weekends up, it strikes me that their kids are lonely.

For those of you who find what I said rude, perhaps if you are sensitive about your choices you should not be reading a debate about only children on a forum known to host controversial views - it's my opinion, just because it doesn't tally with your choices, that doesn't make it rude.

Well, I expected a lot more people to think it was selfish to choose to have only one child, and have enjoyed reading everyone's varied experiences and very wise advice. Useless, just so you know, if we DO decide to stop at one, it won't be so I can have more manicures and DH can watch more football! As most people seem to suggest, it's a question of choosing what's right for us as a whole family. Both DH and I have a lot of different interests and ambitions, and are questioning whether having another child will make our lives harder to the point where we are no longer happy, and therefore not able to be good parents.

And I don't think you are in a position to judge whether other people's only children are lonely or not.

Useless, your message was not rude, your delivery of it was and you carry that on with your passive aggressive 'sorry if you lack the imagination to see that'. I'm not sensitive about my decision to have an only child. Quite the opposite, it would have been selfish for me to have another, but I don't feel the need to be rude to other parents with more than one child.

You cannot say 'in the majority of cases' because you don't know the majority of cases. You cannot say that the onlies you know are lonely, you don't know that. You are making assumptions.

I suspect that useless is getting worked up because she's unhappy with her own choices.

Yes basically what LtAllHallowsEve said

Nothing wrong at all with having just one child regardless of the reason.

It is most important that each and every child you have is wanted purely because THEY were wanted for themselves.

All the disadvnatages of being an only can be turned on their head - they are many advantages as well. Sale as there are many advantages and disadvantages of having more than one child.

IME no child really lives in a bubble, so the companionship and playmate thing is knocked out of the ball court to start with. Just add in other family members, family friends, school friends, neighbourhood friends - ou name it, there are plenty of playmates out there for children.

And having siblings is no guarantee of a friendship. They may not even like each other and they definitely may not be of any support to one another in adulthood either.

Have as many or as few children as YOU want to have.

Don't have children just to provide a playmate, or because it is the done thing to have two children.

Oh, and I know of many adults whpo are only children to have grown up as happiy, loved, well rounded people with a wide friendship circle and definitely not lonely.

I can honestly say that my own DD isn't a sad, lonely child. She is always busy, always having fun, always able to occupy herself, and always has friends to play with.

Yes, I do organise the odd occasion for my DD to have friends round. But tbh - why not? It's not because she is lonely, just that I think it would bbe nice for her to play with a friend at home sometimes. And would you not do that with more than one anyway - not all siblings want to play together all the time!

Oh and OP (your name is just too long!) if your reason for not having more was so you could have manicures and DH could have more football...so what?

If those things make you happy and relaxed, if only having one child leaves you with the money to be able to afford manicures and football matches, then surely that helps make you both happy and relaxed parents. I know that is simplistic, but it's not entirely wrong!

For example, DH and I enjoy summer holidays in hot places with everything AI. With one child we can afford to do this. If we factor in another child we can no longer afford them. We save all year so we can go. Without these holidays to look forward to I certainly wouldn't be as happy. Another child brings the prices up by another thousand, we couldn't stretch to that.

Of course if we did have more children we would cut our cloth accordingly, but it is nice not to have to