to stop at one DC just because DH and I like the freedom of having just one?

[moraletotallydestroyedbypoopoo]

This is slightly inspired by the 'what would you like to do if you had more time on your own' thread...

I can't help feeling that it would be wrong or selfish in some way, like we're somehow not doing the family thing properly by having 2 (which is rubbish, because I know plenty of only children and people with only one DC who consider themselves to have a proper family!)

I have great relationship with my DB so feel like I would be depriving my DD of that, but on the other hand DH and his DSis don't like each other at all, so just having a sibling doesn't guarantee happiness.

I can't help feeling that with more than one DC DH and I won't get the time to do our own thing properly until the DCs leave home! AIBU, and selfish, and childish?

Other people will have better ideas I'm sure, but what I have noticed in the way of pitfalls: thinking everything should be perfect and somehow work out all the time, thinking that your child is perfect/smart/kind/able to listen/not fussy etc. because of your brilliant parenting.

yep - it's a well known fact only parents of one suffer from that syndrome

I'd also counter the idea of constantly having to entertain/play with an only - yes if they want to play a board game or whatever you can't rope a handy sibling in but most onlies are very good at entertaining themselves from time to time and quite often (IME) end up being much more comfortable in their own company than those with siblings... I'm not talking about taking it to extremes here - just being able to play happily on their own for a bit of time in an afternoon as a kid and not freaking out at perhaps having to have dinner on their own/stay in a hotel/live on their own as adults...

I have no intention of forcing DS to look after me in my dotage. A lot of that is down to the individual, rather than being an only. My nan has been a complete pita refusing to go into a home and expecting my dad to look after her. Which he has been doing for 20 odd years and I think it's horribly selfish of her. He has a brother but he only does stuff when asked several times so having several children is not necessarily an insurance policy.

I have an only, things just turned out that way.

He's a happy, sociable, very well rounded boy, BUT he is lonely sometimes, there's no two ways about it.

There's nothing to say that if he had a brother/sister they'd get on though - Mofo's situation is one I've come across in other families.

It's your choice how many you have - I too get sick of the idea that you can't be a 'proper' family with just 3 of you.

I'm planning to have a second because I think that having siblings is important. I cannot guarantee that my children will like each other but I hope they will and that when they are grown they will be a support to each other.

On a selfish level I have also seen the extreme damage done to parents who have lost an only child. With the loss of that child goes all the things you expected to experience (due to having chosen to have a child in the first place); i.e. grandchildren, their wedding, university graduation etc, and to have them and their spouses/children visit you in old age.

Now I know having a child doesn't guarantee any of that and that people without children experience rich lives too. But I think choosing never to have children and making your own life without them will be very different from trying to make a life as no-longer-a-parent. Those are my very personal reasons for having a second child (when I can afford one!). You've got to do what feels right to you.

I've got an only. I used to be quite defensive about it. I've had comments like 'don't you think it's selfish of you?' and because it wasn't so much a choice as just the way things have worked out, I felt like I'd let DS down without meaning to. There are disadvantages, for sure, like with any choice in life. Oooh, and doctors saying 'He's an only child? I just ask because with a 'more experienced mother' we know that they're not likely to be taking things too seriously" More recently I've had the same mums as before saying 'oh well, it's alright for you, you've only got one'. And gradually I've got to the point where I can say. "Yes it is. It's quite alright for me. In fact it's bloody marvellous."

i have one offical brother and shit sorry but as a child i wished so badly i was an only and as teen adult to .Im pretty glad he disappeared of the seen and not had to even be in same room or any contact as him for the last 6 years.

I now have 2 step sisters and have 2 foster sisters who are grown up .But yes im aware that descions will fall to me already have regarding my granparents etc

Really Snuppeline do you think that the loss is any less traumatic if you have other children? I would never dream to suggest that should anything happen to DS my loss would more dreadful than that of a parent with 2 or more kids? My main reason for having my child wasn't so that I could have a whole set of 'milestones' to look forward to - good job really... what if my DS leaves school after GCSEs, never marries, can't have kids and moves to work as a jockey in Australia...

Also - where do you stop with the idea of having 'spares'? The last person who suggested the 'what if anything happened to DS' argument to me was somewhat taken aback when I asked (in front of their DH) if they were having an affair 'just in case' their husband went under a bus on his cycle to work one morning...

OP can i ask how old your DD is? i have known many people who have struggled with having DC2 when DC1 has got to around 6 or 7 due to the whole "back to babies" bit once you have just got your independance back. i'm expecting DC2 and my DD will be 26 months when he/she arrives. i didn't want there to be too much of an age gap because i knew once i started to get my independance back i wouldn't want to go backwards again (we definitely wanted 2 children but that was our choice). saying that though being a family of 3 atm is great fun and i do love been able to give DD extra attention. if you don't want any more, i'm sure all 3 of you will make a very happy family :)

I only want one. I hated having siblings personally, really truly hated them and wished them dead, we fought all the time. Now that we're grown up we have nothing much to do with each other and I can honestly say I have no more interest in them than any random stranger. Don't hate them, but don't like or care about them either.

I know it doesn't always turn out like that. But often siblings seem to not get on in childhood, and very often (especially with sisters) there's a ongoing hatred/resentment/envy etc in adulthood as well. And I suppose since I have no personal experience of positive sibling relationships, it's not something I see the need to provide for mine. I think it's more important to form friendships, with like-minded people you actually like, and in my experience those bonds are often much stronger and more important than those that come just from being biologically related to someone.

My dad was an only, and my brother was born in order to provide me with a playmate. How that must feel for him is not nice to think about.

Needless to say we pretty much loathed each other from the time he could talk, and now no longer speak to each other (mutual decision, no drama, we just don't like each other). I've never known loneliness like I did, living at home, my time and space and thoughts being constantly invaded by him, having anything I said manipulated by him so he could always be best.

I think providing a playmate is a poor reason to have a second child, whereas actively wanting another person in your life is a great reason.

Have a big gap and get the best of both worlds.

I was an only child and hated it. I DO hold it against my parents.

Now as they are getting old, all the responsibility falls on me. It's shit.

Fair enough to people who have good reasons (fertility etc) for only having one but no I dont approve of the decision for 'selfish' reasons.

I'm an only child who has had an only child. I never wanted siblings, and neither does my child. Its no-one elses business really.

We are three, parents and one child. Every inch a proper family (unless mum has hit the chianti, then things go slightly improper).

I drew a line becuase I don't feel that sure I would cope/adjust to managing two children.

I'd rather be wrong about my coping skills and errounously forgo a second, than assume I am making a fuss about nothing, have another and destablise my family.

Like all families we get better times and more difficult times, but with one child I feel better placed to hold it all together when things go bent.

If that makes me selfish, so be it. I'm not living this life, having this family, in order to garner approval of people I barely/do not know, at the expense of my better judgement.

I'll be a long time dead so probably best if in the "non black and white" arenas I make sure my one shot at life looks the way I think it ought to, rather than focusing on ticking the boxes of others' blueprint for the one true way.

I think you have to do what feels right, rather than think too much of the practicalities of old age etc. I say this as someone with a sister with learning difficulties and ASD..so not only will i have to care for my parents in the old age but also for her. I don't begrudge this atall but it is very frightening and just an example that having a sibling doesnt always ease the burden!

Selfish parenting is selfish parenting however many children the parents have!

Some parents of huge broods act in selfish ways that cause grief in childhood and beyond, some parents of single children fail to make adjustments to make sure that the child is happy.

Every possible problem of being a single child has it's flip side, as does every benefit of having siblings.

Personally I think each and every individual child should be wanted for their own sake, not as a sibling or as a back up policy. Of course usually that is why people have more than one child, but that doesn't mean that anyone else 'ought to' have more for the other reasons.

Do what you most want to do as parents, enjoy that, and leave everyone else's opnions at the kerb - except where you find helpful tips.

Applauds Blu - beautifully put!

Bumblebea DD is 3 and I am 35, which is why I am starting to think seriously about another. margerykemp I'm sorry you hated being an only child. Were you lonely? Or jealous of other people with siblings?

I only have one DS, my DH has two more so really we have three! People do get a bit naggy about 'when you have your next one' etc. I roll out the excuse - 'have you tried paying for 3 DC's recently?' Especially because nearly everyone I know has two, I feel this is the best response to shut them up without a big analysis and judgement. There's a part of me that would love another (I love babies) but alone and overseas with a DH that works away often, I just can't do it. And thats my business.
Currently we are providing well for all DC's and thats the important thing. Nothing wrong with deciding what's right for you and sticking with it. I'm an only child and so I feel I have a good insight into what DS needs in terms of activities and socialisation. No need to think an only will grow up a spoiled, precocious horror!

I've got one and I definitely don't want any more - it has never crossed my mind to think that I 'should' have another. Nobody has ever hinted that I am selfish, how could they when they see how much love DS gets.

Not wishing to start a fight here (honest!) but I don't believe for one minute that two kids are easier than one. How can they possibly be, unless they are twins?

Two kids are always going to be different ages, there will be years when they attend different schools/ nurseries to each other, and one will always be at a different development level and able to do more stuff.

Pregnant twice, baby stage twice, twice the amount of food needed to feed them, double the laundry, double the toys, two birthdays each year to do, double the illness/ dental appointments/ clubs/ lessons/ sports activities etc...

Half the amount of willing babysitters...

I can only speak for myself and my own situation but I know beyond any doubt that now - and at every stage - I have much more freedom as the mother of an only than I could ever have with two or more.

How can this possibly be outweighed by the kids playing together? Even if you have kids who play nicely and I sure as hell didn't as a kid. My mum was called in to adjudicate and split up fights on a near constant basis. I remember her crying because of our endless squabbling.

Sure we weren't the only house who ended up banning Monopoly due to the bloodshed it invariably led to!

I don't think you can really say that it is 'selfish' or otherwise to have an only child. You just have to go with what is best for you and your family as a whole. There is no way of knowing how things will turn out either way, and your daughter will never know the difference, whether she ends up as an only or with a sibling.

One thing I would say though, is that extended family and/or a close network of family friends is hugely valuable, especially if you have an only child. Speaking personally (and so this is a very subjective point of view of course) I never missed having siblings as a child (I'm an only child) but as an adult I really have. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I didn't see much of my dad growing up. My mum and I were very close, so when she died unexpectedly when I was 21 it was absolutely devastating. What I feel I have missed out on is that there is now no one in the world who remembers my mum as a mum (as opposed to a friend, wife etc), so I have no one to share those memories with. And for many years after her death I was very lonely. I have since made a real effort to build ties with my dad, stepmum and other family members - cousins etc. But it has taken years to build those relationships (especially with my dad) and it would have been a real support to me to have had that all along.

But this is very much my situation and who can say how things would have been if I had had siblings anyway!

No, you're not being selfish at all, you should only have more if its what you and your partner really really want. I have 3 and it would be a bloody nightmare if I hadn't have been completely sure its what we wanted. My parents come from large families and most of them don't speak to each other and on my dads side, all of them bar him emigrated so he hardly ever sees them anyway.

My husband has brothers and they are all fairly close in age but he is much closer to his best friend.

Mine too wriggles, my DP has one sister who is perfectly nice but they have little in common. He is like a brother with three guys who he grew up with, and loads closer to them than he is to his sister.

You asked an honest question so here's an honest answer - yes, you are being selfish.

"I can't help feeling that with more than one DC DH and I won't get the time to do our own thing properly until the DCs leave home".

Of course you are being selfish - your reasons for not having another child are all about you and not your child. My DH, best friend, and both my parents are all onlies and all say they were lonely growing up, and wished for a sibling, and still do. My mums's parents are both dead and she has said that it makes her sad she has noone to share childhood memories with.

Yes, many siblings grow up to not get on, and they all fight as kids - but giving your child a sibling is a great gift, and it is unlikely he or she will thank you for deliberately not doing so - you're kidding yourself to think otherwise.

You can spend as much time with your DC as you like but the fact remains that you and your DH are the adults and he/she is the child. There are some things that you do with a sibling that create irreplaceable childhood memories - going on holiday and running off together to discover the pool; funny journeys that you'll look back on as adults and laugh about; Christmases tiptoeing through to your siblings room and tearing open your stockings together; the list is endless. I think you're setting your DC up for a bit of a lonely childhood, despite what you might tell yourself.

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this and my post picked to shreds (so may not come back to read the replies - Not sure how much of a mood I'm in for hordes of angry women calling me names and abusing me as is the mumsnet way for those they don't agree with!) but you did ask. I think your DC would prefer a sibling, and I think your reasons for not giving them on are selfish.