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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a romantic "surprise" should at least be attempted when proposing?

87 replies

CupOfBrownJoy · 13/10/2011 20:19

Recently DP has made it very plain that he wants to propose, wants to get married and have children with me.

So far so good.

However, he's so excited about the whole thing that he keeps saying he's going to propose "soon" and when I say "oh yes?" he sort of winks and says "sooner than you think!". So I think, ok, bless him he's really excited, I'll try not to get too hung up on where and when and just go with the flow...

Now he is asking me for hints and advice as to how to go about it. As in, do you get the ring beforehand or choose it together? Does he have to go down on one knee? How does he know the size of ring? etc etc.

AIBU to at least hope for some sort of romantic surprise?

I'm not talking a balloon trip over the Eiffel Tower, but at the moment I feel like saying "forget it! I'll just get myself a ring when I'm in town on Saturday and save you the bother!"

OP posts:

iwantbrie · 14/10/2011 09:45

I proposed to my DH at new years eve in the toilets of the pub we were both working in! It took us both by suprise really as I had no idea I was going to say it until I opened my mouth, fortunatly he said yes
Took us 6 months to buy a ring & a further 18 months to get married. By that point we'd moved in together & had DS....

Trills · 14/10/2011 09:48

If you have decided that you will get married then you are already engaged.

There is no need for a "proposal" now.

You are engaged to be married.

emsy5000 · 14/10/2011 09:49

I knew my boy was going to propose but even though I knew it was going to happen it was a romantic suprise.
I think he is probably very nerverce and wants it to be perfect for you. I garantee it will be romantic and lovley sounds like he cares very much!!

NorksAkimbo · 14/10/2011 09:50

I love this thread!!
I too, wanted a 'proper' proposal; DH was being transferred to China (from America, where we met), and I'd already decided to go with him, and we'd talked about getting married, but I did want an engagment ring. So, the first surprise was him taking me to the jewellry store for the ring, which I was so excited about...imagine my disappointment when he had the cashier wrap it up...he said I might know about the ring, but he wanted the proposal to be a surprise.

About two hours later, I'm in sweatpants, eating pizza and he gets down on both knees and very sweetly asks if I'll marry him. I responded by asking if he was kidding...

8 years later, 6 years married, 2 lovely DC...I guess he wasn't kidding!

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 10:04

I think my DH of 11 years did propose very romantically, and it was a complete surprise (though we HAD discussed the 'one day' factor so it was safe to assume I wouldn't be saying no.

There was no ring, no bended knee, but a piece of welsh slate in a lake where we'd gone on an early date that he written on... "Look at the reeds Aldi" he kept saying, "WTF? I am at the foot of a mountain, I want to look UP" was my reply, "PLEASE look at the reeds Aldi", "Shan't", "Oh FFS Aldi, look at the frigging reeds will you?".

At this point he was slowly backing away with a strange look on his face, I thought he might be preparing to do away with me when I looked down and was backing away to get a good jump at me. Anyway, looked down, saw piece of slate, it had READ ME, scratched into it. Me being a bit slow said "Aw look someone's left a piece of slate in the lake that's EXACTLY the same shape as the piece of slate I picked up from this very spot last year and they've written on it!"

DH is still backing away, but now looks prepared to run for the hills.

I pick up said piece of slate, a bit unhappy at getting my sleeve wet. I flip it over and read "Marry Me? I love you".... penny drops. swoon I then took one giant leap for womankind and landed on top of him, in the mud, he lost his balance, and I'm not very lightweight. I think I said "Ummmmm Yes PLEASE" (manners cost nothing) and we then went to the nearest town and got completely plastered.

You don't need a ring or violins, you don't need bended knees or an audience, you don't need much of anything at all to make a proposal special. It doesn't HAVE to be special, but I have to say, its awesome when it happens.

OP YANBU, but go easy on the guy, he wants to do it right... so tell him to quit talking to you about it, and think of some way to make it rememberable. TELL him you don't want to hear about it any more until it happens.

PeggyCarter · 14/10/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissingMySleep · 14/10/2011 10:10

some men are just not wired the romantic way

our agreeing to get married (10 years and 2 kids in) was me saying perhaps we should do it before DC1 started school and he said in passing "ok, go ahead and book it"

I niggled at DH the other day, as he NEVER says I love you, he NEVER does romantic things and he replied saying "so who rang you 4 times yesterday to see how you were feeling?" he sort of put me in my place.... there is more to loving someone than romantic gestures

I know he loves me deeply but he finds romantic stuff embarressing, even after all these years

bah humbug

AbbyAbsinthe · 14/10/2011 10:17

I can't believe how many of you are saying not to worry about the romance! Fucking hell, the romance goes away quick enough as it is, surely?

And it's not to 'tell your friends' - it's to have a nice memory.

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 10:20

AbbyAbsinthe I completely agree. But romance doesn't have to be froth does it? I know a fair few happily married non-romantics who'd have never got married had there been froth and romance... its just not their sort of thing.

I do think the OP wants a bit of romance, and her OH would LIKE to be romantic and do it right... make it memorable. In which case I think that a simple agreement to wed would leave them both a littl disappointed, which would be a shame.

Shakey1500 · 14/10/2011 10:23

Dh proposed after I insisted on changing tables in a pub because I could see a tenner on the floor.

Stangirl · 14/10/2011 10:47

My DP proposed when we were drunk out of our minds, in bed after a wild night out at about 3am. I thought it so hilarious he chose that moment I made him repeat it 3 times and half a dozen times the next morning. I said yes but then decided I couldn't be bothered with a wedding so we remain gloriously unmarried.

AbbyAbsinthe · 14/10/2011 10:51

Oh definitely, aldiwhore - I hate froth. Romance is different.

MrsJRT · 14/10/2011 11:04

Aww. Mr JRT proposed one night after I came in from the pub. I'd made tea for him before I went out (chicken kiev and chips ) and managed to not cook the kiev properly so the garlic butter was still hard and bits of the chicken cold and the chips were burnt. I was gutted. Off out I went and when I came back he got down on one knee. I was so shocked (despite the fact we had a 3 year old daughter) and just asked "Why?" and he replied that he had to marry me to look after me as after the tea I had made him there is no way he could ever leave me alone to fend for myself. And he has made tea pretty much ever since. We eat like kings now

HardCheese · 14/10/2011 11:31

I'm with Georgimama and others. The OP is already engaged, so I don't see the point of constructing some kind of restrospective 'nice proposal story', whether it's for her own memories or to tell friends. It's as if the major, highly romantic thing that has already happened - they have decided they are in love and want to marry, for God's sake! - isn't enough on its own. If it's romance you're after, it just seems the ultimate in unromantic that the OP's other half is looking for pointers and clearly at a loss!

I used to live in Dubai, and, I swear, every time I was in the Dubai Mall, there'd be some diving-suited couple in the giant aquarium fumbling about with a ringbox among the skarks and giant skates, as part of one of the few pre-approved 'Dubai Proposal' things you could do!

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 14/10/2011 12:37

Wow thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I think every proposal story is romantic, no matter where/when... aldi yours had me sniggering away in the staff room

And I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "a simple agreement to wed would leave them both a little disappointed, which would be a shame."

I think I would be a little disappointed and I think DP would also be disappointed. This is despite NOT wanting a big "ta-da!" moment. Just a simple "will you?"

And Hardcheese and others: Nooooooooo!!!! I'm not already engaged!! Despite talking in general terms and agreeing that in principle I would marry DP were he to ask me I have steadfastly refused to discuss details as we are not yet engaged

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 12:43

You need to tell him to ASK YOU, but not right there and then. lol Bless him, he does sound quite a sweety and utterly terrified it won't be wonderful! You could even go choose a ring together, he could then keep it to give to you when he sorts out his 'plan'. I bought my own ringas DH was working away!! That was about a year after the proposal.

PeggyCarter · 14/10/2011 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 14/10/2011 12:51

He gets it, aldi, he's just a lot more high maintenance than me

I think he just wants to talk, talk, talk about it because he's so excited. I should add that we also live apart during the week so he spends his time obssessing planning our future and getting really excited. Its all part and parcel of that.

He knows that he just needs to ask, really. He's a total sweetie (ie a romantic old fool) and I'm sure he wants it to be perfect. I just want it to be done!

I'm not sure about choosing the ring together. I think if he was paying I'd just be really hung up on price and not choosing anything too expensive. Far less stressful for him just to buy something that suits his budget, or is that totally unromantic?

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 14/10/2011 13:33

TheJoyfulPuddlejumper, that's my point!

Fleurdebleurgh · 14/10/2011 13:34

My husband proposed when we were walking around Lakeside shopping centre, the conversation was as follows....

"Suppose we should get married then"
"Ok"
"Cool"

aldiwhore · 14/10/2011 13:37

cupofbrownjoy whatever makes you happy. Give him a few photocopies of designs you like and let him choose it (don't put prices on the picture).

I ended up spending very little on my engagement ring (relatively speaking) it was only £125... when I later read that it 'should' be a month's wage I nearly feinted. Actually, I think he stills owes me for it!

SardineQueen · 14/10/2011 14:04

Here's a really storybook engagement tale:

Picture the scene, a couple who have been dating for 6 weeks, on holiday in Devon, a bit pissed. Snogging on a balcony.

Him (doe-eyed): I'd like to marry someone like you
Her (pissed): You want to marry me? Hahahahaha really?
Him (thoughtful): Yes. Yes I do
Her (surprised): Blimey! Erm... OK!

It was actually very romantic. The most romantic thing was keeping the engagement a secret for 3 months as if we told people straight away they'd (understandably) have thought we were nuts! We were aiming for 6 before we told but by then I had a ring and I wanted to wear it!!!

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 14/10/2011 14:10

my dh proposed by coming in one day from work and saying " uh i got this" - blush blush and shuffling a ring onto the desk in front of me. I didnt care as i knew very well he would do it at soem point and tbf we were only 19 at the time so not at the height of male romantic ability i think.

grovel · 14/10/2011 14:16

My DH proposed to me in the Windows on the World restaurant at the top of the World Trade Centre in New York. Doubly poignant when I think about 9/11.
Next day our plane wouldn't work and BA bumped us to Concorde for the flight home.

ChrissasMissis · 14/10/2011 16:41

Does he get on with your best friend? Can you ask her to have a "word"?

Also, the moment can take you by surprise, with unexpected romance. My DP recently proposed. I'd always hoped for an elaborate set-up, with champagne and flowers, but he did it at home, sitting up in bed with our baby son and a mug of tea. Caught me out completely and made me cry!

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