Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my dh to be involved/care about ds future school?

25 replies

TickleBug · 12/10/2011 22:39

Im currently in the stage of deciding where to send ds for school next september. Its narrowed down to two, one is 2 mins up the road and another is 15mins down the road. Im leaning towards the one further away (i dont mind the extra 10 minuite walk!)
My dh, to put bluntly, doesnt seem to give a shit! Hes not interested in going for a look round and said hes quite happy to leave the choice up to me.
I would quite like his opinion and reasurrance because i feel this is quite a big decision.
I know he must care but he seems to think theres nothing wrong in chucking ds in any old school!
AIBU to want a bit of support?? (sorry had a bit of a rant! Blush

OP posts:
Kayano · 12/10/2011 22:44

But he is supporting any decision you make surely by saying he is happy with what you pick?

A sure sign he trusts your decisions? Or do you want him to affirm the decision? I'm a bit confused to be honest...

I mean how can he 'support ' your choice when you have not made it yet?

troisgarcons · 12/10/2011 22:49

You want a sounding board.

Similar situ but Hubs defers to me because its my sphere.

Sadly, I've delegated a school viewing this w/end to him because I have to work (at a another school open day) and he should have the misery of traipsing round.

I've already made the choices. But we will discuss on Saturday. Then he will agree with me Grin

In seriousness, we work it thus: I work locally, therefore all emergencies will are me as the default parent. At present I can shift my lunch hour to view schools. I need a coraborative opinion on one school in particular, hence his saturday viewing without me.

slavetofilofax · 12/10/2011 22:52

Yanbu. He does care, but he probably doesn't realise that you are feeling the whole weight of the responsibility and want to share that and have someone to discuss it with.

Have you told him clearly that you need him to come?

Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 22:53

Id just like him to show abit of interest. He doesnt want to have look round any schools with me, has just left it to me! It would be nice to be able to discuss it through with him and have his opinion.
I know he trusts my judgement, which is nice, but it almost feels like he cant be bothered with it, just another thing which i have to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 22:55

slavetofilofax - ive asked him to come and hes asked why?.. ive told him why and he said hed be no use!
Just pisses me off because i have to do everything!

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 12/10/2011 23:00

Then ya definately nbu!

I do understand, my dh is a bit like that. I would love him to take more interest in the big things with the dc, rather than just the fun stuff like lego building Hmm But he's not my dc's Dad,a nd thankfully their Dad is great and we talk about school stuff a lot.

Sounds like your dh isn't going to be the way you want him to be on this, but you still need that sounding board.

Is there anyone else you can visit schools and discuss them with? Anyone else you know making the same descision at the moment, or could a Grandparent go?

Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 23:05

Thats exactly it! All he wants to do is the fun stuff! I end up doing the pratical stuff and making the big decisions!
My mum is going to come to the schools with me, and i have spoken to a few friends about it but i would still prefer him there. Bloody men!

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 12/10/2011 23:28

He sounds like a pain. Do you think he would come if you told him how important it is to you and asked again if he will come? Tell him he doesn't have to "be any use" but just has to be there.

cat64 · 12/10/2011 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Julesnobrain · 12/10/2011 23:34

Sounds similar... You must be married to my DH double ! . I hate it, it does not make me feel like he has faith in my decision, it just makes me feel lonely and like a single parent.

Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 23:34

I think he would eventually, but to be honest i want him to to want to be there! I would just feel silly asking questions because i know hed be thinking "cant wait to get out of here."
I wanted him to say right at the beginning " id love to come with you and see the school where our ds is going to spend 5yrs of his life, then we can chat and make a decision together!" Pah!! Wishfull thinking!!!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/10/2011 23:37

YANBU. DH and I are looking at the moment and he is bending over backwards to juggle his diary so that he can come too. I would hate it if he wasn't interested.

lazylula · 12/10/2011 23:38

Dh didn't come with me to any visits to the school as he trusted me to make the correct decision. We did discuss my preferences (mainly because the first choice was a Catholic school and we are C of E) but he said it was my decision as I would be doing school runs ect. We couldn't have afforded for hime to take several days off to come tbh.

Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 23:38

Ahhhhh thats lovely Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
TickleBug · 12/10/2011 23:40

Dh has quite alot of time off at the mo so it could easily be arranged for him to be there!
The ahhhh thats lovely comment was for Alibaba

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 13/10/2011 07:15

I understand why you're hacked off, but maybe he just thinks you are better than him at stuff like that and he trusts you to make the right decision?

I have always been the one making the main decisions about schooling - not because DH is uninterested, but the reality is my working hours have always allowed me to be around more to do that kind of thing. When it has been really important I have demanded his suited and booted presence beside me and he has always turned up, I don't see the point in him taking time off work for standard school stuff - I can ask questions and understand the answers all by myself! I like researching education and schools and can spend many a happy hour on it, DH is much happier to be presented with a name and rationale of why I think it's the best place for that particular child at that particular time and he usually agrees with me. I have moved children for various reasons over the years and he has ALWAYS supported me - I would have hated if he wanted to oversee my decisions, as God forbid he might not have agreed Grin

valiumredhead · 13/10/2011 09:54

Yeah, yeah in an ideal world it would be a joint decision but in this house it wasn't! It was my decision and dh agreed with me.

Dh does other stuff and makes other decisions, it's give and take.

redskyatnight · 13/10/2011 10:21

DH visited schools with me, but later said that he knew that any I was interested in would be "ok" so actually he would happily not have gone.

I do realise that if I had wanted school A and DH had wanted school B, then DC would have ended up going to school A Grin . And I realise that DH knew this too so in some ways I only wanted his opinion if it validated mine. (wonders if is control freak) .

cubscout · 13/10/2011 10:49

Are we talking primary? If it is any consolation, my dh was exactly like this at primary school choice time, but now we are doing secondary he has become extremely interested. Will still be my choice in the end though Grin.

UsAndTwo · 13/10/2011 11:35

Surely if it is secondary school it should be the DC choice in the end (unless they choose a completely unsuitable school)

valiumredhead · 13/10/2011 13:18

No way would've I have given ds the choice of which school to go to. I know some kids could make that decision but ds would've been up half the night fretting about wether he had made the right decision!

I can't ever remember my peers being given a choice when I was a kid, I know I wasn't.

Original poster
TickleBug · 13/10/2011 13:28

Its a primary! Hes currently still in nursery!
If it was secondary il wouldnt let him choose, i think it would be to much for him at 9/10.

OP posts:
Gargula · 13/10/2011 14:24

My DH has left this sort of thing totally up to me also. I have chosen DS's preschool, nursery and school. To be honest though, it never even occurred to me to be even remotely bothered by this. I SAH so most things child-related are dealt with by me, and he trusts my judgement.

In fact I would probably view it as a waste of a valuable days leave if he had taken time off to come round with me.

However if you've made it clear that you really want him to come round with you then he IB a bit U in not doing so.

So, even though I don't really get the issue, YANBU!

Gargula · 13/10/2011 18:21

Well, that ain't the first time I've killed a thread stone dead.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 13/10/2011 19:13

yANBU but not everyone worries about school. My DH left it all up to me....once he realised hw much it impacts your life, he was very vocal! Maybe your ex will be the same.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page