To really want to send DC's to private school even though we can't really afford it?

[DarlingDuck]

DH and I both went to state school and neither of us had very good experiences or were really pushed to our full potential. I can actually count on one hand the amount of people I know from state school who have done well academically and gone on to have sucessful careers. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that in my experience private school pupils seem to go on to achieve more.

Everyone I know who went to private school has managed to achieve academically and go on to have sucessful careers and also seem to have a real air of confidence and drive to suceed that I don't often see in other people.

I desperately want my children to go to private school even though we aren't well off at all. Am I being really unreasonable & naive to think they will achieve more at private school?

I don't believe that you can only know a handful of successful state educated people? 92% of the population are state educated, they're not all failures!

I teach in a private school and would say it is not worth it if you can't afford it - we have children who share a bed with their parents so the parents can rent out the other bedrooms to pay the fees. We have children who are under intense pressure to get a scholarship to senior school, having been told, repeatedly, that they cannot go if they don't get good marks. We have children who have moved 4 times in the last year to various rental places because mum is renting out their house in London to pay the fees. We have chidren who are at school till 8pm every night because both parents are working two jobs to pay the fees.

I love where I work and think the children get an amazing start in life. But it's not worth it if it means that your home life is stressed and unhappy.

How odd that you know less then 5 people who went to state school who are successful. As another poster said the vast majority of people are state educated. I went to a bog standard comp whilst dh went to a very expensive boarding school. I have a superiour stack of qualifications compared to him and earn double him. It's far more to do with your family home and personal motivation.

Ultimately it is going to depend on them what they make of it: private school in itself is no guarantee of anything.

Dh went to a highly regarded private school on a bursary and was very happy there, but worked very little despite the efforts of staff to push him; he ended up failing his exams despite evident potential. He puts it down to immaturity.

Dd is getting far more out of her state school- despite serious health problems- because she is determined.

A friend of ours went to one of the best private schools in the country and did well whilst there, but was so unhappy that he spent the rest of his life bumming around as a kind of protest.

Have you actually looked into the secondary schools in your area yet? By the time your dc's are old enough to go they might be completely different, schools change all the time with different Heads and teachers etc.

I would use money you CAN afford on tutors and extra activities if I were in your situation.

I agree with ZZZen.

I love private schooling more by the day!

YABU simply because you can't afford it. If i could afford to I'd totally send mine.

Tutors and putting more effort into extra curricular activities sound like a good compromise.

In my circle of friends there are a good proportion of individuals who have been successful following a state education, myself included. More so than friends that were privately educated.

Within my industry I would say the vast majority of people (who are deemed "sucessful" by virtue of their being lawyers) were privately educated.

Which goes to show (I think) that it is very much dependent on the school.

My DC's are now privately educated. It is a huge financial commitment (£32 for a girls summer dress anyone?!) and we are fortunate that my DH's employers bear the cost.

If your DC's are not yet in a fee paying school you will need to think about whether realistically they will pass an entrance exam for a secondary place. Passing some of those exams is an art which is best taught at particular prep schools.

YABU
my Mum saved to send me to private for a levels and I got CDE a levels, shit! people I know did better than me in state school

As everyone said - what is exactly are the local secondary and local private like?

Impossible without knowing that to say if you are entirely u, or very sensible

We live just outside Bristol, the secondarys in Bristol aren't up to much. King Edwards in Bath is the private school we've heard great things about.

I always found at my state school (DH says the same) that there was a real pressure to underachieve, if you did well you weren't 'cool'. Lots of people just kept their heads down and did well regardless but I don't think it was easy for them

Friends who went to state schools say they felt the same (I went to very posh private schools and Oxbridge). Having said that these friends are ones I made at Oxbridge and after, and I have a prett high-flying job, so they ended up in the same place as me.

You have to look at the school you have heard great things about, then look at your local comp and then look at your child. Even though I had an amazing private education, my dcs are at a state primary (we could afford private at a push) and if they get in to the good local comp I will be delighted to send them there.

However, if they don't get a place, then I will go for private absolutely. So yadnbu to consider the option, just dont believe private is automatically better. BTW, what I noticed at Oxbridge and beyond was that friends who succeeded spectacularly did so, regardless of educational background, because they came from stable homes with parents who promoted a love of learning. That's what they all had in common, it's what I hope my kids will have, which is why I by no means think local comp will be a disaster.

YABU in terms of your financial situation and your attitude really.

It would be ludicrous to scrimp and save to send them to a private school when really, if you did your research and paid close attention to their talents, built up their confidence yourself and so on, they can get a perfectly good education anyway.

I went to a state school, not a very good one either, but I wanted to learn, my parents (more my Dad) instilled a love of learning in me, stressed the importance of knowledge and education, made sure my homework was being done etc. My school also had a handful of teachers who were passionate about learning and giving kids from a deprived area (inner London school) the chance to excel, so a 'Gifted and Talented Students' scheme was set up, providing extra tuition, extra curricular activities and so on for those children who fit the criteria.

Don't be too down on state schools

Just to add, I did very well in my GCSE's and A levels now have a degree and a career in HR that's going well with scope to climb the ladder

Well I experienced a so called "outstanding catholic" primary state school, small private school, a top public school.

I felt severely let down by the state primary school - they didn't teach me the basics of good handwriting & learning to read phonetically. I never got the chance to learn an instrument other than the recorder for a couple of years. The same experience has happened to a couple of godchildren of mine at state schools. As a result DC are at a private prep. I would actually consider a decent state school 11-16 and then go private again at age 16. Secondary private is very expensive and worth it for the right child but not for others IMO.

Not all private schools are full of rich kids, many are full of parents working very hard to send their children there.

DarlingDuck if your daughter has application and self-discipline then it wont matter where she goes, she will achieve according to her ability.

If she lacks application and self-discipline then it wont matter where she goes. For people without self discipline or application there are distractions everywhere.

Not sure how old your children are yet, but you really need to go and visit the secondary schools that may be possibilities.

FWIW, we can afford to send our dc to a private secondary, but having viewed local schools will probably send him to a local comprehensive. There are many many things that need to go into the mix including your dc personality.

I have 3 siblings. of the families, 2 sent their kids to local comprehensives, one private. Of the 4 state educated kids, 1 is at Oxford, 1 at Cambridge, 1 at Durham and 1 on a scholarship to Exeter. Privately educated children have not achieved quite such giddy heights (although to be fair are still doing well). State school educated children also managed better in their first year of uni as they had learned to be self motivated, whereas some privately educated children have been taught to pass exams.

Go and visit first.

Agreeing with MrsSchadenfreude. A friend of mine who overseas admissions in an Oxbridge college* says that many second string private schools are inferior to good state schools and completely not worth the money. The private = good / state = bad thing is ridiculously simplistic.

*Obviously not saying which one

If that's what you want then of course you aren't being unreasonable. But yo would be to insist on it if it was going to bankrupt you.

IME home life and parental education makes a huge contribution to the educational outcomes for children. Regardless of private or state.

And as for " can actually count on one hand the amount of people I know from state school who have done well academically and gone on to have sucessful careers" I could counter that with the fact that most people I know with successful careers have gone to state school (and that's despite the fact that I went private myself). I guess maybe it depends on your definition of 'successful career'.

I would suggest that the 'real air of confidence' you see might well be to do with background and wealth as opposed to the school those individuals went to .

I confess that I am a bit confused that inspite of your experience of primary school for your DC, your state-educated sister's acheviement and the opinions of the rest of your close family, you are still convinced that private school is some kind of educational Shangri-la.

I'm also beginning to wonder if I'm unusual in not (on one level) caring about my DC's "career". Once he's kind, happy and earning enough to live on I really don't give a toss. DH and I were both academic high-achievers (he has an Oxford degree, I have a PhD from a very good uni), but I don't want to get into some kind of bloody academic arms race with the DC.

darling - whereabouts near Bristol are you? There are some better schools as you go further out. Churchill is supposed to be good - so SIL tells me. South of Bristol.

OP it depends on your financial position looking long term. We put 3 through secondary up to GCSE, I am now broke and am getting divorced, mainly due to the financial pressure. And I thought we could afford it, and you are not sure! Still on the upside they have all done GCSE now and I am not paying any more.

Having watched others who went to state schools I would guarantee that the outcome will be due to the parents approach. If you give unending support, they will be fine at state school. If you don't get involved, then they won't be fine at either, other than having great confidence coming out of public school.

I went to private and my career flopped. If anything I lost a lot of confidence at private school because I wasm't rich enough to fit in. Had I fitted in then I expect I would have done reallly well. grades were ok but confidence= zero.

However on balance yanbu and I would send dd to private if I could. My friend's dd just got 10 A* at the local comp. I think if your kid is bright they will do well wherever they go.

I would also like to add that my friend is a single mum and bought up her dd all on her own with no help from her dad. She is not academic herself yer het dd excelled.

YABU if you can't afford it.

I'd like to live in a Regency house in Bath, eat M&S food every day and get rid of my car which has a hole in the floor.

We could probably afford a (not particularly good) private school for the dcs if we ate Value beans every day and never went on another holiday. That would be one thing. But I could never stand by and watch dh not sleep for the next ten years for fear of losing his job and not being able to pay the school fees. Dh says he is so relieved we don't have that burden as he hears his colleagues drone on constantly about sleepness nights about soaring fees.

"I suspect they would of performed equally at "

One of the above posters is privately educated. Clearly the grammar lessons were not very good

I work in the law, am comp. educated adn it is correct that in the City type firms the vast majority are ptivately educated. Not all were any brighter than me, but, my god, they thought they were! and they were able, even at a relatively young age, to converse with clients and senior partners. The "spoke the same language" and it took me many years to catch up. I think children can do well academically at state schools, what they do not get is that patina of confidence that a good private school gives. As parents, we will need to spend more time building that and payng for after school activities, sport, music etc.

Back to OP - if you would struggle to find the £20k per year it would cost for one child, multiply by 2 for your second and weep!

My brother won a free place to his school. My parents had three other kids so no spare money. The school fees were paid for, but the 'extras' were not. My parents simply could not afford the exotic trips, clubs etc. Also, all his friends seemed to spend their holidays in their villas in Barbados etc. We went S/C in Wales for our holidays (and had a great time, I hasten to add!!!) So although he did academically well at his school he said it was utterly miserable being a scholarship boy, always looked down on for being 'poor'. You need to think about you forgoing holidays/cars/treats etc to afford school will actually stop her from fitting in. If you can only just afford the fees you won't be able to afford the extras.