To really want to send DC's to private school even though we can't really afford it?

[DarlingDuck]

DH and I both went to state school and neither of us had very good experiences or were really pushed to our full potential. I can actually count on one hand the amount of people I know from state school who have done well academically and gone on to have sucessful careers. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that in my experience private school pupils seem to go on to achieve more.

Everyone I know who went to private school has managed to achieve academically and go on to have sucessful careers and also seem to have a real air of confidence and drive to suceed that I don't often see in other people.

I desperately want my children to go to private school even though we aren't well off at all. Am I being really unreasonable & naive to think they will achieve more at private school?

You are looking at £000's per year per child for fees, plus uniform, plus trips, plus music lessons, plus 'voluntary' donations for X, Y, Z.

Nobody ever looks back at the cost of private education and thinks 'that was less expensive than I expected'.

For far less than the cost of private school fees you can pay for an awful lot of extras (tutoring, trips, out of school activities, music lessons). This will be without the fear of 'what happens if I lose my job?'.

YANBU to daydream but dont pretend it is anything more than that.

The school offers bursaries so it might be worth looking into that if we decide to go for the private route.

I know 12 people that went to private school and only 1 has a successful career. One of them worked under me (crappy rough school and no degree!) as my runaround girl!!
A child will do well wherever they go if they have the right attitude to school.

I think you need to look carefully atvthe secondary schools first.

What are her friends/ peer group doing? That network plus her supportive family background will be an enormous benefit.

Bear in mind what others have already said 4k might look doable but that's post tax from your salary. You won't be able to pull out. Private schools WILL ditch you if you cannot pay the fees.

There's a strong chance that 4k is the tip of the iceberg, the uniform, insurance, school dinners etc are usually separate and add up to another few hundred per term.

If the private school is a 4-18 school it's also likely most kids will have been there many years and have fixed friendships within small groups. I'm not saying they would exclude your DD but it's a potential hurdle.

Speaking now from personal experience. If you chose this route, find a school that suits your family. My child goes to a private school, it's not the most expensive in the area but I am comfortable with the choice and also (shallow warning) also comfortable that we don't need a 11 plate car, fuck off house and size massive diamonds as standard [evil] those things mean more when youre a teen trying to fit in.

Another thing worth considering is, you may be able to afford for your child to go to the school by scrimping and cutting back, but as someone else has said, there are all the extras. Also, will you be able to enable your child to have the same standard of social life as her classmates, or will she always feel inferior to them. (This happened to a friend of mine who went to a public school, and she hated it, and was utterly miserable there.. )

Your experiences are very different to mine. To be fair, I can only think of 4 people I know, off the top of my head, who went to a private school BUT none of them has startling careers. Yes, they are all employed - but none is doing anything fabulous. However, amongst my state educated friends there are two Barristers, an Orthopaedic Consultant, two GPs, a few Chartered Accountants & several who have set up their own successful businesses are now rather rich (unlike me sadly ). I would have to summise that success comes down more to the actual school (regardless of whether it is private or state) & parental support/encouragement.

and are rather rich - grrr!

I went to a mediocre private secondary (assisted place) state primary, my sister went to a crap comprehensive. Dc are currently at private primary but that is only because we are living overseas, before we came, and when we go back they will be in State school.

In an ideal world I would like to send my dc to a decent local state secondary school. I would like them to grow up as a part of the society they are going to live in, not some rarified, unreal version of it. I want them to be able to get on with others regardless of "background". I don't want them to look down on people with less money. I want them to realise success comes from hard work and effort, not "background" and "contacts", because I believe that to be true in the long run. I am very happy to get involved from a "parent" point of view with whatever school my children are attending.

I feel it is my job to try and instill a determination to succeed. I don't feel I can delegate that by paying money out.

BUT, hand on heart, if the local secondary was very, very poor, I would reconsider my principles. I hope I'm not put in that situation because I would find it a very tough call.

While my siblings and I all went to private primaries, only my DB went to private (well, public) school - my DSis and I went to GS. My brother's the one with the Oxbridge degree, the city job and the swanky house, but much as I love him he's also a bit of a nobber, in that swaggery entitled public school way.

Then again, that might be the chip on my shoulder talking

Of the families I grew up with there is no correlation whatsoever between private/state school and academic/material success. None at all.

There are still good and bad schools but it's not all about private vs state

This thread is hilarious (sorry op). Anybody would think that everybody who attended private school has been an utter failure in whatever career they subsequently persued. You only have to look at the political fraternity and people at the top level of the BBC to see the reverse is true. And in my experience professions such as the law and medicine are hugely populated by privately educated people.
I say this as a state educated person.

The OP said that she doesn't know anyone who went to state who has a good career and that everyone she knows who went private is a high flier or something along those lines. I think people are just giving examples of people they know where this is not the case, to show that it is not a foregone conclusion.

Our children will finish their education in private school, 2 currently there, one more to follow. Both dh and I were privately educated, and I am a sahm. Yes of course we want our children to do well, but I suspect they would of performed equally at the local state school. To us it isn't about what they will be when they leave school but who they are.

I dont think it is unreasonable to want something for your children, you may not be able to afford it, but there may be options to assist you.

I have a large number of over achievers within my social circle. I had not appreciated this until a close friend pointed it out (when I was having an "I'm such a failure I'm not being asked to speak at international conferences" moment).

Thinking about it now I also have a large number of very well / expensively educated friends. I think there is a correlation.

I would want my children to have the best education available but that is not necessarily always in the private sector. I think a bit of balance at primary level and exposure to a social mix is beneficial. I spent my early years in a school where I was one of only a few children who didn't get free school meals. I ended my school years in one of the UKs most expensive public schools.

I was happy and stimulated in both places and boarding school isn't for everyone by a long chalk.

I don't think giving anecdotal examples really cuts it though for this type of choice. I did very well at a comprehensive (and I do notice a lot of people boasting they did well on this thread went to grammar schools, so not quite the same as going to your local rough sink state school). However, although some of my friends did very well too, lots more, indeed most of the school did not very well at all. They got worse results than in other schools and this restricted what they could do next. Many of my brother's friends came out with almost no GCSE's and are now unemployed (and unemployable) ten years on.

That wouldn't put me off state education, personally I'd start in the state sector for primary and see how you get on. If it's working fine, great, but if not, you can look around for a more suitable private school (as not all are good anyway). At secondary level, see where you live, where/if you might get a scholarship and so on.

I do understand that when you went to an under-achieving school you want something different to that. I feel the same, but I'm not sure you have to pay at all stages to get a good education (and luckily I can't so don't have a dilemma!)

I was privately educated, as were my brothers. Various degrees of success in adult life. One of us (NOT ME!!) went to prison for a while.

I have not had a very positive experience for my son with our local ("outstanding") state secondary, but being a pushy, annoying parent seems to have got things sorted for now.

M partner has a better degree than me (mine is from a Russell Group university, his Cambridge), and his parents are working class and he was at an inner city state comp.
I acknowledge that he is very bright, but his brother (left school after GCSE) and his sister (runs own business as a stylist) earn more than me and my partner put together.....

Not sure a dPhil is attractive now I've seen the lifestyle of a Corgi registered plumber.....

I chose the wrong brother!!!

Cathy you made laugh with this, my DPhil hasn't got me anywhere exciting really, at a recent meet-up with friends, I was earning the least of any of them!

I think if it will be a struggle financially, the stress of it just won't be worth it. Especially in the current economic climate.

TO want to do it is one thing. To do it if you really can't afford it is another.

I went to an awful State school but still have 3 degrees, one from Oxford. DH went to another awful state school (when league tables first came out our schools were fighting for bottom spot), but has 2 degrees from a Russel Group Uni, and a very good job. We used to have a public school educated Window cleaner.
We know a lot of very successful people, the majority of whom went to state schools, just as the majority of the population did.
I also know at least one person who is very successful, who would say her success was despite her private education; she has sent her kids to the local Comp.

Private education is not all about getting a better education (although some schools do offer advantages), a lot of it is about being with "better people". One of my friends went to public school because his mother thought it had better discipline, he said that his state school friends on the whole were better behaved and had better manners.

Please go and look critically at all the schools in your area before making such a decision. School fees are ridiculous, they increase massively each year, and the extras can be very costly too eg. friends daughter's year 5 trip costs £600, my DDs year 5 trip costs £300. The uniform is often far more costly and extensive too.

I went to private school. It was great. The quality of teaching was fantastic, as were the facilities.

I don't have a great job, despite good results because I didn't want one, but the choice was there

DP dropped out of school at 15 and has been in prison and comes from a whole other background to me. Being at private school doesn't mean that you can't relate to "society" (whatever that is) and doesn't necessarily make you a snob.

Thing is, there are a lot of crap private schools out there with piss poor facilities - a lot worse than state funded schools. If you are going to spend money on private ed, spend it wisely and compare with your local comp. Many of the smaller private schools are there for snob value only and don't necessarily offer anything except smaller classes.

I went to the local comp, left with two crappy A levels, blagged my way onto a graduate training scheme, and have done perfectly well in my career (which attracts a lot of public school people). Of my close friends at school, one is a junior minister, one is the CFO of a LARGE insurance company, another is an architect, there are a couple of accountants and a couple who run their own very successful businesses. So I don't think we have done too badly. Of my friends who went to private school, they are all, without exception, SAHMs, and appear to have gone to university with the sole ambition of bagging an army officer or rich farmer for a husband. Which they have achieved, so I guess you can say they were successful too! Our neighbour's two boys went to public school and RG universities. One works in Blockbuster and the other mends boats. Nothing wrong with either job, but not entirely what she had in mind for them when she scrimped and saved for the fees.