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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel pissed off with the day nursery over this?

22 replies

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 12/10/2011 20:59

Picked up DD and DS from nursery earlier. The manager in the baby room said she'd had to "have words" with 16mo DS today as he'd grabbed another baby's hair and pulled her over.
Apparently he " knew he'd done wrong" as he'd cried when she told him off and moved him away.
I then had to sign a book to say I'd been informed. It has all left me feeling a bit as they clearly dealt with it at the time, which I am fine with. They did the same as I do on the occasions he does it to me or DD.
I don't really know what they expect me to do though- have a word with him or put him on the Naughty Step?!
AIBU to think this is a stage that many, many babies go through and it shouldn't be brought to my attention as if he is some kind of hooligan? Both of them have been on the receiving end before and I just accept it as a stage.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 12/10/2011 21:03

Seems a really weird reaction from them! I work with 2 year olds and I'm not sure I would even inform parents over one incident of hair pulling, certainly don't have anything that needs to be signed

SmethWitchBelle · 12/10/2011 21:14

I don't think our nursery would ever "have words" and ask you to sign a naughty book or whatever it was.

DS2 was a hitter from 10 -18 months and having discussed many episodes, they'd have said a firm "NO" and they'd separate him from the other child. and that would be the extent of the action - chastising a 16 month old is pretty pointless, you're right it is fairly common and not a sign of a reprobate in the making.

witherhills · 12/10/2011 21:15

I think there has to be an incident report if the other child was hurt.
Wouldn't worry too much about it, it's all normal for this age, they must know that

pictish · 12/10/2011 21:17

No OP - they have to inform you of any incidents that take place. they're just letting you know, as they have to cross the ts and dot the is.
Your taking it all the wrong way.

SandStorm · 12/10/2011 21:17

They're covering their backsides for all eventualities.

edwinbear · 12/10/2011 21:17

When DS was about 18 months old, he was sent to the manager's office after snatching a toy from another child. Personally, I pissed myself laughing at the thought of him trashing her office whilst she tried to remonstrate with a non talking 18 month old.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 21:18

they are covering themselves.. cant blame a nursery for it these days.

NinkyNonker · 12/10/2011 21:19

I'm not sure a 16 month old would understand someone having words with them, would they? Dd is 14 months and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't.

ChippingIn · 12/10/2011 21:20

EdwinBear ffs - how ridiculous.

Matchsticks - he knew 'he'd done wrong because he was crying' - no he knew he was being told off - not the same thing. He's 16 months, I wouldn't be too happy with how they have handled this.

diddl · 12/10/2011 21:21

I´d definitely expect to be told if he´d grabbed another toddler´s hair to such an extent that he pulled them over.

I´m sure they don´t expect you to do anything-why would you think that?

Megatron · 12/10/2011 21:22

It would just be an incident report for you to sign and they would obv have to explain why it had completed in the first place. I wouldn't read anything into it at all, if another child has been hurt they have to do this.

Original poster

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 12/10/2011 21:23

Fair enough they have to cover themselves. I teach and christ knows we do too! It was more the comment about him knowing he'd done wrong because he cried that annoyed me. I am pretty sure he cried because he didn't like her tone of voice, not because he was overcome with shame!

OP posts:

emsy5000 · 12/10/2011 21:23

is it possible that they are wanting proof that they have said to you incase the other parent comes back to them and causes a fuss? thats what I would imagin anyway

ScaredBear · 12/10/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyspaniel · 12/10/2011 21:27

It's probably just part of a paper trail they do. Perhaps they record incidents in case it is the start of a pattern or trend of behaviour in some children, and it's no use saying when the child is 3 "oh but they have been hair-pulling, hitting and biting for years here from 18mo", you would be and wondering why they had never said anything/had it ever happened.

Obviously in 99.9999999% of cases this type of behaviour is totally common and passing in toddlers, like biting, but in the remainder perhaps it helps serve as a sign that personal development or communication is not all it should be. If they haven't documented it somewhere, staff move on, people forget etc. Also, if they are documenting "incidents", then of course parents should be informed of anything written down about their own child.

In summary, I think it could be useful to enquire of the nursery head re policy on recording incidents such as this, and what the reasons are/how & why the info is stored etc.

StetsonsAreCool · 12/10/2011 21:27

DD is 16 months, and I really don't know what more I could do. I don't think she'd remember it after she'd been 'told off' at nursery, let alone by the time I could get her home.

Surely at this age, they're learning the boundaries, and that involves telling them No immediately when they do it - not 3 hours later when she hasn't immediately done it?

On the other hand, if they've had to put the other child in the accident book because of it, then they probably have to mention it to you too. I remember a time when DD fell over another baby and bumped her head - turns out the other baby was my colleague's DD, she got told that her DD was sat behind another baby who tripped over and bumped her head and that if her DD hadn't have been sat there at the time it probably wouldn't have happened. I think they were just covering their backs, as our DDs wrestle play together all the time, we just don't have an 'accident' log

StetsonsAreCool · 12/10/2011 21:28

I mean our DDs play together away from nursery. Just realised that sounds really confusing! Sorry

Original poster

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 12/10/2011 21:29

I agree ScaredBear, that was my thinking. I just don't think he has the ability to link the hair pulling with the telling off.
I guess if the other child was hurt they had to fill in an incident thing. I suppose I just feel from the way they put it that they think there is something I should be doing about it and I think other than a firm " No!" and moving away there really isn't anything else I can do.

OP posts:

bringmesunshine2009 · 12/10/2011 21:32

They have to tell you. Likewise they tell the parents of the hittee. I got told when DS went through the pushing stage. And again when he got bitten. Sounds like the woman was a bit bolshie about it, our nursery just asked what I did at home, I said removed him from situation and told him no. They agreed.

SarahBumBarer · 12/10/2011 21:36

DS' nursery drive me bonkers with their books. When DS was teething I used to sign a form in the morning to say they could give him calpol, whether I had already given him calpol and what dose. If they felt that he needed calpol they would then ring me to ask if they could give him calpol and then when I went to collect him I would have to sign a book to say that I was ok with the fact that they had given him calpol! Gah!

A few weeks ago he fell and bumped his head and had a bruise on his head. When I dropped him off at nursery they said, oh we should write it in the book. Fine. But three days later one of the carers asked me to fill in the book because they had noted that day that he had a bump on his head. It was the same bloody bruise. She insisted I sign it - not sure what annoyed me the most, having to sign the book twice for the same thing or that they did not notice any bruise for the three days in between.

Nurseries and their books! YANBU

mumofthreekids · 12/10/2011 22:22

YANBU to think this is a common phase but I think you are being a little defensive. No one likes to be told that their child has hurt another child, but I'm not sure why you found the comment about him knowing he'd done wrong so annoying? It seems a fairly innocuous comment to me - maybe even a positive one? Surely it would be worse (although not surprising for a 16m old!) if they'd said he didn't realise his behaviour was wrong?

skybluepearl · 12/10/2011 22:58

don't do anything. hair pulling needs to be delt with at the time and not after.

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