to expect my GF to clarify first thing in the morning if I am picking up her ds from pre-school?

[AnxiousElephant]

My friend asked me at the beginning of the week but since then my dd2 has been ill, not just a cold but temp 40.5 at night, up coughing mostly and she said that if dd2 was still unwell she would ask her other friend to do it. Our dc go to the same pre-school and usually my dd is already there when she drops off because I drop dd1 off to the attached school earlier. She saw my dd2 yesterday who was still poorly so I took it that she would be asking her alternative friend.

Unfortunately I had to go straight from school this am to the chemist, my car broke down with a flat battery and I had forgotten my mobile and by the time I got back she had gone to work and she wouldn't have her phone with her. I then had to go shopping for food and while out dd2 seemed more ill than this am so I decided to get a Drs appt which unfortunately was right after the school run and if I collected her ds would have no time to go. I saw her dh mid afternoon and asked what was happening but he didn't know, so I phoned the pre-school who said it was still me but if that wasn't possible then they had been told to contact her DH. I thought that meant 3pm but it turns out he couldn't collect until later and now she has had to pay a small amount extra for childcare.

Am I being unreasonable to have expected her to check if it was still ok this am? or should I have been the one chasing her regarding her childcare arrangements?

She was on her way out and I tried to explain the situation, I also had dd1s friend who had been invited to tea so no room in the car to go to the docs.

I have to add that I asked her to have dd2 on Friday but she said yes and then arranged to do overtime the same day at work. I have had her ds on numerous occasions and have never let her down before.

YANBU if I have to have other people collecting my children I always check on the day that the arrangements are still in place and that they will be able to be there at the right time (and my DC are much older). That said if it was me I probably would have told her for definite that I was not able to pick up her DC.

Wow it was up to her to make sure the arrangements were fixed, isn't your problem she paid extra for child care. Albeit I wonder how sick your child really is when you have other kids over for tea, that I'd not do if I had a sick child.

Perhaps I'm missing something here. I have assumed that it is your DD that is ill and that goes to Pre-school with your friends DC? If so and your DD and is not attending pre-school you wouldn't be picking your DD up and therefore also not picking your friends DC up either. It goes without saying doesn't it? Or have I got that wrong?

Sorry I need to be clearer

DD1 goes to the primary attached to the pre-school
Her friend was invited for tea early in the week (dd2 was not ill then) and both were so excited I didn't feel it was fair to cancel so I took her to the docs with us and also she is older iyswim.
Friends DS and dd2 go to the same pre-school and today dd2 did not go but I still had to go because of dd1 iyswim although it is a completely different side of the building so to go around to collect at pre-school takes ages. My dd2 is always in before her ds when we each drop off, so dd not being there first should have confirmed she was still ill? phone alternative friend?

I would usually have told her but when I got up this am dd2 seemed much brighter but slowly went down hill through the morning and at lunch was raspy breathing, piping hot and just lay on the settee not talking etc, so I felt I should take her to the GP (and a lady had commented in Tesco how ill she looked ). Unforunately/ fortunately after I re dosed her with calpol/ ibuprofen she sprang back to life but by then I'd made the appt and felt her chest ought to be checked. Thats why I didn't say earlier

If I had been your friend, I would have expected no childcare from you at all. If desperate I may have text the night b4 or during breakfast on the actual day to see if childcare could go ahead despite recent illness. To be honest though I would not expect you to pick up from pre-school when your DD wasn't attendeing.

It's a shame you had left your mobile but her hubby really could have rung her to say that you couldn't do the childcare.

I think you should have let her know you weren't picking up her dc, personally.

personally you could have told her. she may have seen your child and in her eyes thought he looked fine so assumed that you were still doing the pickup

sure she could have asked but imo you both should have checked

Yes your friend should have confirmed if you were still ok to do the pick up. However I don't understand why you didn't tell her dh that you couldn't do it. It's his child and his responsibility also.

On another note, if I was the parent of your other child's friend, I would have been very annoyed that you had exposed my child to infection by taking them to the doctors surgery and home with you.

Why would you not check if someone else was picking your child up, especially as she had been ill and there was some uncertainty. I think it's one of those things where you were both slightly unreasonable but the onus of responsibility is hers.

I think if it's a usual arrangement you probably should have just sent her a text to say that your DD2 was ill so you wouldn't be doing pre-school pick up today. I expect she assumed that because you were getting DD1 you could get her DS as well - admittedly she should have clarified this with you, but I don't think it's that much of a jump to make.

One of you should probably have mentioned it when you bumped into each other.

And I think the problem was that because neither mentioned it, you probably thought "Oh she hasn't said anything, so she's got it covered" and she probably thought "Oh, Anxious hasn't said anything, so she must be picking DS up as normal".

Although the more I think about it - wouldn't she have said something like "Don't worry about picking DS up today, X is doing it."

I think since you were the one changing the arrangements, you probably should have kept her informed. I don't think you can expect her to magically know DD2 was still off - even if she didn't see her, presumably there are a fair few children at the pre-school, DD2 might have been in a different room, outside, behind someone, your friend might have been in a rush and not scanning the room to check. I doubt she normally uses the presence (or not) of your DD to work out whether there has been a change to the normal arrangement.

Bertie it isn't an everyday arrangement, it was ad hoc.

I forgot to add that I also offered to take her the 40 mile trip for an appointment which is around school pick up time, so would have to send my dds to their childminder, because I know she would find it difficult to attend as she doesn't drive. My point being that knowing this I am disappointed that she feels that this incident should be cause for not speaking.
I tried to explain when I saw her, ran out of my door when I saw her and she cut me dead because she was rushing to take her ds to hospital? something in his ear. She didn't attempt to speak after that, later in the evening/ following day (it was a false alarm with ds).
Today I offered an olive branch, asking whether she would still like a lift to the hospital,as we were both at a Birthday party of my CM and I said I could ask her to have dds if she still needed it, which was politely declined and she didn't speak after that again.
I am certainly not the inconsiderate-always- let -you- down type of friend that some posters insinuate and I have done loads of favours before this and have never let her down. It was just an unfortunate series of events that led to confusion but clearly I have committed a cardinal sin in her view.