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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to rant about this woman a little bit.

26 replies

friendlysort · 12/10/2011 20:38

Argh, playground thread which I can't talk about in real life as I will feel bitchy and DH says I take these things too seriously.

There is a mother who was at DS's school last year. I am new to the area and I got to know her briefly and she was a friend of some of the new friends I had made. However, it became clear we weren't really going to get on. I tried, invited her for coffee, chatted on the playground etc.

However I later found out that she had been telling various friends how upsetting I was. I'm very much a call a spade a spade person and quite straight talking. She asked my advice about something (seemingly innocuous) and apparently I didn't give the right answer and she was really upset.

She didn't really go out of her way to speak to me much after that, nor I her. I can't help the way I am and am not going to lose sleep over someone who doesn't like me very much.

Except she keeps telling everyone how horrible I am. That I ignore her or, if I don't ignore her, that I am insulting (I'm not - she just takes me the wrong way).

She has never gone out of her way to be friendly towards me, doesn't appear to like me very much, but seems to have a real issue that I haven't bent over backwards to be her best friend.

aaarrrrgggghhhhh. Right, feel better now, as you were Grin

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/10/2011 20:44

God she sounds like really hard work. I would just keep out of her way, why on earth should you want to speak to someone who tells lies about you Hmm. Make friends outside the school gates, and just be polite when you pick your dc up and drop them off.

picnicbasketcase · 12/10/2011 20:45

My standard answer to anything school playground related - screw the lot of them and concentrate on being friends with people you have more in common with than just having had kids at roughly the same time. And if you are as blunt as all that, maybe try and tone it down a tiny bit so it doesn't come across as plain rudeness.

bringmesunshine2009 · 12/10/2011 20:48

I often check threads just to make sure I am not the subject IRL. Thankfully not me! Safe from being U for another day. Re the OP, what picnic basket said.

aquashiv · 12/10/2011 20:49

It never ceases to amaze me just how childish some grown women are when it comes to play ground politics and all this point scoring bollox - does everyone just regress do you think?
Just do what you would do (hopefully) in real life and ignore the old bint.

Original poster
friendlysort · 12/10/2011 20:50

I do keep out of her way, but then she moans to everyone about how I purposefully exclude her from things that I organise.

Yes I do - because we are not friends, I purposefully exclude about 20 other mothers in DSs class too! Angry

OP posts:
emsyj · 12/10/2011 20:51

Well if she goes around saying horrible things, surely most normal, intelligent people will think to themselves, 'if she'll say it to me, she'll say it about me' and give her a wide berth.

I find on the whole that adults tend to prefer other adults who have nice things to say about people, things and life most of the time. Some bitching with very very close friends on certain occasions is, of course, fun and cathartic - but behaving like this every day doesn't make you very popular IME.

Also agree with picnicbasketcase that if you really are very blunt then be aware that some people will find this rude. I say this as a very straight-talking person myself.

LeBOF · 12/10/2011 20:55

How straight-talking do you mean, exactly?

Original poster
friendlysort · 12/10/2011 20:55

I'm not that blunt really Blush. I think my sense of humour is quite an acquired taste and I don't do fawning very well.

But I'm not rude, I just don't automatically say what people want to hear.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 12/10/2011 20:56

Well of course you don't want to be her friend or invite her to stuff is she is going to say horrid things about you, doh some people really!

zingzillachinchilla · 12/10/2011 20:57

Don't worry - I'm sure your mutual friends have an inkling about how two-faced she is. I know it's hard not to let it get to you but try to keep your distance. She really sounds like a caaaah!

travellingwilbury · 12/10/2011 20:58

She sounds hard work , but anyone he states "they call a spade a spade" always comes across a bit suspicious in my head .

How harsh are you really ?

Original poster
friendlysort · 12/10/2011 20:59

I shall give 2 examples (at the risk of outing myself).

  • she was unhappy with her son in reception. He was having trouble settling in and some behaviour problems. She was blaming his teacher. She had had a meeting where the teacher had some suggested some things, which she had dismissed. I told her that maybe she should try what the teacher had suggested as they probably encountered this every year. Then, if it was no better, she could blame the school after that. She was outraged (so she told my friend) that I could be so unsupportive.
  • in the pub one night I complemented her on her outfit and said she looked like a certain celebrity. She was deeply offended as she didn't like the celebrity I had mentioned (although is universally accepted to be attractive).
OP posts:
Purplegirlie · 12/10/2011 21:02

OP, I'm wondering if perhaps the way you come across is upsetting and does come across as blunt, so maybe when she says you're rude to her she genuinely does think you are being rude. And I know you say you don't automatically say what people want to hear, but I think there is a time and a place for that and sometimes it's easier to just either not make comment if you can't say something nice or just nod and smile.

I think often some people do use "I speak my mind, it's just how I am" as an excuse to be rude and I'm afraid being like that does get some peoples' backs up. If you want to be blunt and call a spade a spade then you have to be prepared for some people to dislike you for it.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 21:02

friendly is that all, my mum is far far worse, she used to say what was on her mind even if it ended up hurting somebody. I would keep a distance away from this woman and the school mummies. Make friends outside all of that.

Hassled · 12/10/2011 21:03

I was with others re the suspicion over people who say they "call a spade a spade" - that's often code for "I'm bloody rude but that's OK because I'm only being honest".

But your examples do make her sound like very hard work - especially the celeb/compliment thing (who was it?). Just ignore - smile sweetly, focus on the people you do like and remember that the time will fly until they're all in High School and then you'll never see these people again.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 21:04

Thats not being rude though purple sounds kind of tame compared to what I am used to with mum. Mum said that dh was fat, which offended dh. Then she said to her sister (whose son committed suicide) that it was her fault as she was not a good mum when he was younger Shock, now that is what i call speaking your mind.

Original poster
friendlysort · 12/10/2011 21:04

But purple, she specifically came to my house to ask my opinion. And I was ever so nice!

I am fine for people not to like me - I really do have lots of friends and am fine with that. I just get exasperated that she is so vocal about how I am not her friend when she doesn't even like me Confused

OP posts:
Purplegirlie · 12/10/2011 21:06

Piglet, friendly and I cross-posted and yes I agree those examples aren't bad at all and if the woman takes offence at those then she does sound hard work. However Friendly openly admits she calls a spade a spade and I would imagine that some people might perceive her as being rude. And yes I agree, your mum sounds a total nightmare; she actually sounds like a cantankerous old Aunt of mine who prides herself on being honest but actually gets ruder and ruder all the time. Most people smile in a "did she really truly just say THAT??!!" kind of way when she speaks.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 21:07

Just ignore her, keep a wide berth, she sounds like awfully hardwork and insecure.

Purplegirlie · 12/10/2011 21:08

Friendly, in that case then I would ask her "Have I done anything to upset you?" and see what she says. You might have unwittingly upset her on other occasions. It would be a chance to clear the air and even though you'll probably never be best buddies it might improve the atmosphere between you both at school pick up time.

travellingwilbury · 12/10/2011 21:09

friendly that sounds fine to me , I would have been much worse .

She sounds a wee bit odd and I would avoid tbh .

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 21:10

I know its so Blush, she has gotten much better since dd was born as she realises if she does not control her mouth, she will not see much of dd. DD is her world so she keeps herself in control, also most of her wrath is directed towards my IL as they used to come and stay for a long time at our house as they live abroad. Now they don't come too often, only once a year, so she is happy about that. She normally comes to stay once a month for a week.

Original poster
friendlysort · 12/10/2011 22:06

I think I see the playground as a bit like work. There are some people that you can have a real friendship with, because you naturally have things in common with, and others who are more 'colleagues'. You can bobble along quite nicely really but you only have that in common and wouldn't keep in touch if you left.

I can be quite grown up really Wink

OP posts:
TheBestWitch · 12/10/2011 22:31

Difficult to say whether you are bu without knowing you. Maybe what you call 'calling a spade a spade' some would find insulting?
I don't think the woman is tarring your reputation by telling people you are horrible though - just her own.
Just smile and say hello when you see her. The other mums can form their own opinions about you.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/10/2011 22:38

She does sound a bit full-on. I know someone like a bit like this. The first day we really got talking she made snidey comments about other mums/ kids/ teachers and that immediately put me right off her. I am polite to her, but try not to get too involved, as I am sure she probably makes comments about me too!

I bet you are not the only person this woman makes remarks about, and I doubt she is universally liked in the playground. I would wager that if you did know her and were friendly with her you would soon be trying to extricate yourself politely from yet another conversation where she is moaning about the teacher/ school/ another parent/ child. Most of the other mums will probably have picked up on the fact she is like this and will think no less of you!