To consider asking dh to leave after violent outburst?

[Outburstsrsudden]

Dh is usually very calm, quiet, mellow person. He has just completely flew off the handle and punch the wardrobe door so hard three times that it came off in from t of our dcs. Am in shock.

Oh and I don't think I have had a hard time on here apart from the odd few nutcases but thats mumsnet for ya.

Not that punching a wardrobe is great. But I don't think its that bad. Especially now Op has given us the background.
Tis certainly not ideal. But not as bad as ome people are making out.
The man who hasn't done this before, in 11 years, but Op thought he might/could do it to her. WHAT ? Sorry. What an assumption. My dh is a HUGE gentle giant and would never lay a finger on me. And I am only tiddly. But even if I saw him cross, it would never OCCUR to me, that he would turn it round onto me. Very odd assumption.

Well if it's completely out of character then you need to explore what's going on. My dh is the most reasonable and even tempered person I know. Several years ago, we had an argument and he threw a saucepan of soup at the newly painted Walls. We were both shocked.

I should add that the row started after he had spent days painting the kitchen walls/units in a shade that I had chosen but I didn't like the colour when it had dried !!!

Sounds like you were both stressed out and took it out on each other.
My DH once punched a washing machine (that he was supposed to be fixing!) in front of me and was so shocked he promised there & then it would never happen again. And it hasn't.
He shocked himself and probably feels totally ashamed of himself right now that he did it in front of your DC's. They need to see that you two have sorted this whole thing out and he needs to apologise to them for letting them see him having a tantrum - which it was!

says something about your relationship if you are considering dumping him over what you describe as an out of character outburst in which showed he is under some sort of stress that he cannot handle and you haven't even talked to him about it

YABU... Everyone has an anger/stress displacement activity. Some people scrub cupboards, others smack golf-balls, he clocked a wardrobe. Probably was a bit scary at the time but it doesn't mean he's suddenly turned into an abuser. If he's got problems elsewhere & he's normally very level-headed, the argument could have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Rather than kicking him out, encourage him to open up and find ways to channel his anger, stress, disappointment or whatever it is into something more constructive.

Op you did cause the argument over something trivial. Telling a grown man not to listen to the familys answer phone messages (not your mobile phone. which you tried to make out he did).

You did cause this to happen. Yes you never made him punch the wardrobe but you did cause the situation.

Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you are supporting him enough throug his difficulties at work.

I still think you are looking for a way out.

it is all context - but if one off and he is sorry and is taking steps to address the stresses in his life, and agrees that next time he stressed he eg goes outside to let off steam - then give some time to settle. but - make it clear this is scary and should not happen in front of dc - adults should be able to moderate their behaviour and take out stresses in other ways espec in front of dc.

if your dc now go and smash their toys or kick the doors or try and punch the walls when cross, what will you say?
because that is what daddy did when he was cross so it is ok isnt it?

when my exP punched hole in door it was in context of many other incidents and i had asked him to leave the house, he had refused, he had already kicked a bin and done many other things puhsed and shoved me etc. so it was in scary context of he adh already pushed and shoved me. so it was last straw kinda thing.

takle it as a warning to both of you to sit and discuss the stresses at work etc and look for mutually beneficial solutions. eg could he change job?

support him yes - but he is an ADULT here - he is repsonsible for himself...he has to take charge and discuss with you what changes he could make eg to work that would suit both of you and releive his sstreses.

but why were you stresed and shouting is it all to do with his work or do you have stresses too? is every thing stemming from his work?

Op, had you posted this in relationships you would have been told to leave him.

Personally I think you should cut him some slack whilst letting him know that kind of behaviour isn't on

YABU. If it scared you, tell him. If you want him out anyway, be honest.