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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that having a third child is not such a huge deal and that 38 is not ancient?

75 replies

Melissad · 12/10/2011 17:25

grrr... so, I'm 38 and already have daughters aged 11 and 8. I'm 38 and pregnant (unexpectedly, but we're very delighted now) again.
Over the past several weeks, (basically since my bump has become very obvious and pregnant looking) random women from the school run and other people I know have taken the time to tell me that I am totally mad, what were you thinking, etc.? At your age? But you already have two!? Do you want a boy then? Oh, I could never ever go back to the baby stage, etc..
Why do people feel that it's perfectly acceptable to come out with this negative crap to a heavily pregnant (and tetchy) woman?
I know that I'm probably being touchy because I have my own worries about having a third baby after such a big gap, not wanting my older girls to feel left out, but count my blessings that we're having another baby when so many of my friends have struggled to conceive at all. I'm looking at this as a blessing and a joy, not an awful, terrible thing, some sort of horrid challenge to endure.
I wouldn't dream of asking someone why they were having another baby or why they have one/two children, or was it planned, etc.. because it's none of my business.
And please tell me that 38 is not beyond ancient?

OP posts:
Original poster
Melissad · 12/10/2011 17:26

I'm 32 weeks pregnant by the way, so probably a bit tetchier than normal!

OP posts:
HappyHippyChick · 12/10/2011 17:35

I am 37 and pregnant with number 4, ds3 was born last year after a gap of 7 years. I would have been hurt and upset if anyone had said anything like that to me. You are not ancient and speaking from experience, going back to having a baby after a gap is great and having older dcs is a great help! Congratulations!

Scholes34 · 12/10/2011 17:36

A friend of mine has had her first at 49. At 38, you're almost a teenager!

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 12/10/2011 17:38

I got this when i was expecting ds after a 12 year age gap, people thought i was completely mad! I also had my youngest two at 38 and 40 , so you are not ancient in my eyes.

stripeybump · 12/10/2011 17:39

I am one of 3 - I was 8 and my sister 11 when my little brother made his appearance, so exactly the same as your lot!

Me and my sis really loved him, it was so cool having a toddler to play with. He's still my baby brother Smile

You're not old, big gaps can be lovely and to hell with judgey jealous other mums - they only say 'oh I couldn't do the baby stage again' to reassure themselves as they are envious of you getting to do it!

sausageandpickle · 12/10/2011 17:40

i had no 3 on my 40th birthday, after a 9 year gap. he too was unplanned, and i got all sorts of similar comments. a year later we wouldn't be without him, and his 2 big brothers think he is fab too. currently sitting on my lap helping to type!!!

Laquitar · 12/10/2011 17:43

I was just starting at your age, i was pg with the first not the third.

Congratulations! Just ignore them.

MamaMary · 12/10/2011 17:43

Goodness no, that's not old. You're still in your thirties!

PessimisticMissPiggy · 12/10/2011 17:44

There are 8 years between me and my older sister. It's sometimes great. I get the benefit of her wisdom and we didn't share the bathroom during our teenage years.

It's not a huge deal. They're just jealous because they'd love a newborn again. They'll be gaga over baby at the school gates!

FurryFox · 12/10/2011 17:45

I have a friend who had a baby girl last November at the age of 37. They already had two daughters, 11 and 9. It is the best thing they ever did and are so happy. I think they to got some negative comments but were more shocked when the midwife couldn't believe that her DH was her DD1 and DD2's father. She just assumed that the pregnancy was with a different partner Shock

MillyR · 12/10/2011 17:45

They might be envious. I'm envious of anybody who has a third child.

ScaredBear · 12/10/2011 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePumpkinKing · 12/10/2011 17:46

38 is pretty average for first babies these days! Grin

After I had my last baby, went along to the 6 week post natal check, and the G.P. made a big song and dance about :

*me being too old for the combined contraceptive pill,

  • having been on the cusp of the 'age-limit' for home birth

  • obviously this would be my last baby

  • smear teast were very important at my age

I felt geriatric when I left.

I'm 35 Grin Grin.

angelpantser · 12/10/2011 17:48

Are you me? I did this too.

My daughters were 12 and 7 when my son was born. He was a bit of a surprise in that we didn't plan to have any more children but was very much wanted particularly as we'd struggled ttc our first and had 3 mc. I was a bit overwhelmed by having a boy after 2 girls but he was the most contented baby out of the three. He was a home birth and the girls got to hold him just minutes after he was born.

My older daughter could be relied on to keep an eye on him if I was out of the room cooking dinner or even just nipping for a wee or having a shower. She even changed nappies. We have a live in babysitter now (they are 17,12 and 4) - at least until she goes off to uni.

I had more patience this time round and more confidence. I felt able to trust my instincts and was certainly less neurotic about every little thing. It helps that he's a chilled out 4yo. Energy wise I felt no different as I worked with the first 2 and I was a SAHM for DS.

A minor down side is that I can struggle to find something that entertains them all during school holidays. My 17yo certainly doesn't want to come on a farm visit but still gets ridiculously excited if it's the zoo.

I had some negative responses - a couple of former friends openly laughed in my face when DD2 showed my scan photos. Stuff them. Most of my friends were and still are wonderfully supportive and I've had the chance to make new friends through a fresh run through playgroup and now Reception class.

Sorry for the essay. Blush. Best of luck with your new baby. I'd have another one tomorrow if I could .

catwalker · 12/10/2011 17:49

I had my third child at 39. My godmother had her 5th child at 45 and her sixth child at 47. My sister is 10 years older than me and I effectively grew up with 2 mums - wonderful!

Ignore all the stupid comments.

Takver · 12/10/2011 17:52

Congratulations!

I agree people can be very very thoughtless - for all they know you could have had a string of miscarriages over the last 8 years (MiL has big gap before her youngest for exactly that reason).

But tbh people make comments regardless - its the same if you have an only (and again a lot of onlies are so because of fertility problems/miscarriages/health reasons).

As you say, definitely time to ignore the idiots and count your blessings that you are lucky enough to have two lovely children and another on the way :)

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 12/10/2011 17:56

Congratulations!
I had DS at age 38 when DDs were 15 and 16. He is now 2yo and I would so love for another one but DH is too 'sensible' now! I'm jealous of you!

Original poster
Melissad · 12/10/2011 17:56

Thanks! I know I'm probably somewhat hormonally challenged at the moment and have precious little tolerance for insensitive comments!

OP posts:
claricestar · 12/10/2011 17:58

Well I'm dreading the disapproving comments off DP's gran about our expected DC3...because when DC2 was born she told us to only have 2 because otherwise the older ones would feel neglected...she also made a comment to DC1 about babies being "boring" because he had a school reading book called "Babies". Also one friend (who has one small baby) informed me that I would "struggle"...well I've managed pretty well so far with 2 DCs!
thankfully my side of the family are more than used to big families and are very happy for us. I think your friends are being rude and you should ignore them!

Ilovedaintynuts · 12/10/2011 18:00

I've just had my 3rd at 38 - no-one said a word (to my face!).
I had my 1st at 24, and my 2nd at 35.

Ignore them, you're in your prime, and 3 is fab Grin

pinkytheshrinky · 12/10/2011 18:05

Congratulations..........

I am 41 and expecting my 5th - no one knows yet but I had a good deal of comments with the last one so God knows what they will say now. Last time, someone even asked me if it was a mistake!!! ffs I will be 42 by the time this baby is born so fuck em all, that's what i say. Really infuriating that people think they have the right to comment and question about something essentially so private as family planning

Lulaloo · 12/10/2011 18:13

At 38 I also found myself pregnant with an 11 and 8 year old! Congratulations. He was 3 last week would not change it for the world brought a whole new dimension to our family.
Experienced 'exactly' the same comments.
To be honest I have recentl realised from comments people have made since that they were possibly jealous. I thought that was ludicrous at the time but now realise that if a friend of mine had found herself pregnant I would have been a tad envious! Enjoy it!! Your older ones will be wonderful such fun for them too.YOu are very blessed.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 12/10/2011 18:16

ScaredBear I agree with you! Apparently society only thinks it's ok to have children in your late 20's or early 30's

Congrats OP you are definately not too old! And ignore the petty jealous comments

Zummerzetzider · 12/10/2011 18:26

I've got a 17 year gap. Don't regret it for a minute, and no nasty comments from anyone.

WombOnTheBroom · 12/10/2011 18:27

Congratulations Melissad - am sat here in tears packing up newborn and baby things from DC2 to hide sell as we had decided not to have a third. Am 36. DC1 is 3yo and DC2 is 3 months.