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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To march in there and just take my Niece?

23 replies

flickfelicityflick · 12/10/2011 00:11

My elder brother is a manipulative piece of shit who in normal situations I will have nothing to do with. My DMum is always saying 'this time he'll be different' and when we were children she often ignored his actions generally and towards me. My Dmum allows him to turn up and take advantage of her and then will bugger of.
Except this time he has been there for 3 weeks and doesn't appear to be leaving very soon.
I live in the same city as DMum but will not be in the house when he is there (far more happened in childhood than I have said)
My DNiece who is 4 lives with my DMum (her mum my sister is currently in prison)
Usually I don't do anything as brother will be there for about 2 days then bugger off except I get the feeling he is going to be around for a lot longer now.
I do a lot with my DNiece (my 2 are around the same age and we have another one on the way)

I've heard from people around that way (around where DMum lives) that there is always loud shouting/the sound of things breaking from the flat (which doesn't surprise me at all)

I am very very concerned about DNiece now and don't want her around my brother for long at all. DSis wont be out for a while

AIBU just to go and get DNiece and move her in with us (we would just about have room/money would be very very tight)? without talking it though with DMum? (DSis won't hav anyone talk about DNiece, her daughter in letters or on visits?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 12/10/2011 00:16

You need legal advice

I'm afraid you can't just walk into someone's house and remove a child because you think it's best..even if you are related.

Could SS help?

whatever117 · 12/10/2011 00:18

Stay away - but let SS know that you might be willing to have DN, if you are.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 00:19

Why can you not discuss it with your Mum? perhaps she would agree that it was the safest option.

Original poster

flickfelicityflick · 12/10/2011 00:22

my mum doesn't see anything wrong with my Brother, thinks that he is just lost, and that this time he will be different (even after he beat her up), she thinks DNiece being there will make him think differently.

SS - right, great all that again.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 00:23

Ah... in that case then, I think yes, you owe it to your neice to contact SS.

I would imagine if your sister is in prison, they are already aware of your neice and she is on their radar.

What about the childs father?

mummytotwoboys · 12/10/2011 00:23

I wouldnt just take her but would involve SS if you are worried. Surely if she has been placed with your DM , she cant just move whoever she wants in without informing them? Or was it more of an informal arrangement. Surely your mum wouldnt object if you just offered to look after her for a while or something.

Original poster

flickfelicityflick · 12/10/2011 00:27

Neice with Mum is informal but SS do obviously know.

sqeaky ha - last time I saw him was about a year ago - apparantly he moved north... but no lets say no to that one

OP posts:

TotallyKerplunked · 12/10/2011 00:32

could you not approach your DM and say "can I have neice for a bit, seems you have a bit of a houseful, it will give you a break". I dont know how old your DM is but i'm guessing looking after a 4 year old is quite tiring so approaching it from that angle without mentioning the bro might help.

your Dsis needs to get her head out of the sand, i'm sure she also knows what Dbro is like and wont want him round her kid so you need to talk to her.

I agree with you about the SS, useless feckers at the best of times but if your DM is not being objective or reasonable then you may need them.

hayleysd · 12/10/2011 00:35

Can you speak to your mum? does your mum know what happened to you? Is he likely to hurt her or anything?

worraliberty · 12/10/2011 00:35

Right so who is the child's official guardian at the moment?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 09:36

YANBU. Being the impulsive type, I know I'd get the child, take them home, and then sort out the family and SS etc afterwards. If neighbours are hearing violent rows and the child is in the middle of all that, why stand on ceremony or worry about toe-treading?

Bloodymary · 12/10/2011 09:40

Who has 'parental control' of DN at the moment?

BeeBread · 12/10/2011 09:48

Contact your DSis, get her agreement to your DN moving in with you.

NorfolkBroad · 12/10/2011 11:03

Thank god your DN has you. I would contact SS and your Ds and see if you can have DN her live with you. That is a very difficult situation and I really hope it works out for your neice and you.

paddypoopants · 12/10/2011 11:13

I think you need to talk to your Mum. Tell her what you have heard, ask her whats been happening? Then tell her either your bro goes or your dn comes to you until he does. If she objects try and talk to your dsis again and tell her what a terrible situation dn is in.
If neither cooperate tell them you will contact ss and then ring them.

You sound like a lovely person but if you just take dn or go to ss behind their backs they might not forgive you and you might not be allowed to see her again and then you will be in no position to help her.
Good luck it sounds like a horrible situation.

porcamiseria · 12/10/2011 12:12

Oh what a terrible situation. agree just soeak with your MUM and suggest that she comes to stay for a while. and take it from there. If Mum really puts up a fight I think you have to go to SS again, sorry xxx

porcamiseria · 12/10/2011 12:12

or go via your sister, she is the MUM, when does she get out

mollymole · 12/10/2011 12:13

'Far more happened in childhood than I have said' - do you consider that the physical and moral safety of your DN is at risk. If so contact SS immediately.

stripeywoollenhat · 12/10/2011 12:20

i would get her out. tbh, i'd be looking into making it a proper legal arrangement, since your mother is not safeguarding her if she is allowing a violent abuser to live with the poor little girl. your mother is entitled to make poor decisions about her own safety, but i think given the situation is so chaotic that the neighbours are aware of it, and that you are willing to take her, SS will probably grab your offer with both hands...

i'm sorry, this sounds like an awful situation.

lesley33 · 12/10/2011 12:24

Would you realistically be able to go in there and just get your niece? And would your mum or brother then just phone the police?

If they would let you walk in and take her without them physically trying to stop you and then ringing the police straight away, then YANBU. You could then sort things out with SS afterwards. If they would physically try and stop you and phone police, then no don't do it. You would put your niece at risk of violence for no benefit at all. And if police called,SS less likely to view you as a suitable adult to look after her in the future.

stripeywoollenhat · 12/10/2011 12:27

but lesley is right, you might need to go via some official channel rather than marching in and just taking her

onebigchocolatemess · 12/10/2011 14:10

how bad is your brother?

if she is at risk of violence or abuse you would never forgive yourself if you didn't help her

you know how your brother and mum work, manipulate the situation your way. Say your DCs really want her to come and stay for a few days, throw a pretend sleep over that lasts a week! By the sounds of it, whatever it takes....

Maryz · 12/10/2011 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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