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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About to move in together and already he's trying to change my lifestyle

51 replies

BartsShorts · 11/10/2011 17:33

Spent a lot of time thinking I needed a man to make me happy. Then after a really dreadful relationship I decided I needed to be happy BEFORE I got into a relationship so that's what I worked on. Fast forward a few years - I work full time (13 hour shifts, 3 days a week), use the gym 3 times a week and pursue my favourite sport/hobby once a week. I also go out with friends probably once a month or so. I became involved with someone around 18 months ago and he's always known about my lifestyle and was seemingly okay with it. However now we're about to move in together I feel he's testing the water with changing me. He's started saying it would make sense for me to cut my gym time down to twice a week - do I REALLY need to go out with friends every month and maybe I should take a break from my hobby so I can spend more time with him. His concern is that we'll never see each other. My argument is I work 40 hours a week, usually Monday to Wednesday - therefore I have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Say I spend a couple of hours at the gym Thursday, Saturday and Sunday - my hobby is only an hour and a half on a Friday night. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying I won't be changing my lifestyle and if he doesn't like it, he'll have to reconsider what he wants. or AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2011 17:35

MASSIVE WARNING SIGN OF WANKERDOM

Do not move in with him. He will be a cock.

You quite clearly deserve better and have your own fucking life.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2011 17:36

In 96 hours you want 7.5 hours 'off' from the relationship.

It is NOT IN ANY WAY UNREASONABLE.

squeakytoy · 11/10/2011 17:36

I would be thinking very very carefully before moving in together.

Does he work full time too?

It is reasonable to change your lifestyle slightly when you move in together, as presumably you want to be with each other and want to spend more time together... but it depends if he is asking, suggesting, or demanding.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 11/10/2011 17:36

You are NOT being unreasonable. He IS. Do not move in with this man.

I agree with everything Laurie said.

MooncupGoddess · 11/10/2011 17:36

YANBU. He sounds v. controlling. Particularly in complaining about the one night a month you go out with your friends.

DON'T move in with him until you've sorted this out.

eaglewings · 11/10/2011 17:37

Sport/gym 4 times a week is the area you may need to re think if you are really going to live together, a night out a month is fine IMO

Why do you feel the need to spend 2 hours a day on all your non working days doing sport on your own, could you not swap one of those for an activity together?

Do you have mutual friends? Does he have a hobby?

MooncupGoddess · 11/10/2011 17:37

Also, given that you'll be living together, you'll see much more of each other than you did when living apart! So rather worrying that he chooses this point to make a fuss.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 11/10/2011 17:38

YANBU to continue with the things you enjoy in the slightest.
And I don't think once a month out with the girls is excessive at all.

The only thing I would say that when I did move in with dh I did alter my routine slightly not to change my lifestyle and at absolutely no expense to the things I enjoyed but because we worked different shift times it was to allow us time together as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 17:38

RUN

NorkyPies · 11/10/2011 17:38

YANBU

CristinadellaPizza · 11/10/2011 17:39

I'd run like the wind :(

Kayano · 11/10/2011 17:39

Just say no. If he doesn't like it that's his issue to deal with

CristinadellaPizza · 11/10/2011 17:39

Really eaglewings? You think it's unacceptable to go to the gym four days a week? Fucking hell :(

KittyFane · 11/10/2011 17:41

OP, are you thinking about moving in with him or is it about to happen?
If it's no. 1 - delay move
If it's no. 2 - don't change just because he tells you to suggests it.

Agree, 'insecure W**r alert'.

DogsBeastFiend · 11/10/2011 17:41

Run for the hills. Seriously.

Major alarm bells are going off here. If he's like this now WTF is he going to be like when you move in together.

At least, if you won't walk away, tell him VERY clearly that you won't be changing ANY of your pursuits and that you may well add to them in fact. He needs to know that he has no control over you NOW - no-one wants to see you posting tearfully in Relationships in 6 months time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2011 17:42

RUN!!! It starts with 'cut down the gym' and 'do you need to go out so often with your friends'... because I wuv ooo. Then it's 'do you need to go to the gym at all'... 'I don't like your friends'.... 'I'm going to be a miserable git because I feel neglected'. Start as you mean to go on or all you end up with is a Boyfriend Shaped Dementor

EllaDee · 11/10/2011 17:43

'a night out a month is fine' - what?! Shock

Fine if it works for you but surely that is a bit unusual? I would go nuts if I spent every evening sitting in from of the telly with my DH. I love him but I'm still a person.

I think it is very healthy to have separate interests. I can see why he wants to see you lots at this early stage, but if I were in your situation I'd only cut down on my activities if I actually wanted to see him that much, not because he wanted to impose his idea of what a relationship should be like. No point getting into the long haul with someone who has totally different ideas about it than you, is there?

EllaDee · 11/10/2011 17:44

(sorry, meant to say, 'a person in my own right'. Obviously I'm a person! Blush)

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2011 17:47

I'd run, too. Lucky you do go to the gym, you'll run faster.

Does he have any interests, or is keeping you in check his main hobby?

BertieBotts · 11/10/2011 17:49

Don't even give him the ultimatum - just end it! He's not going to be suitably coshed by you asserting your (absolutely reasonable expectation of!) independence over this issue, even if he gives in - something else will come up later that he will try to control you over.

Surely you have time to see each other now, or you wouldn't have got close enough to get to this stage. So you will have even more time to see each other when moving in. Plus it would drive you insane to spend every waking moment together as well.

If you had a tendency before to rely overly on a man, be wary, although now relying on yourself to make you happy is a giant leap from there, it's possible you might have some other issues relating from this time of your life, which haven't come up before now. This is interesting for looking at/exploring that. :)

LtAllHallowsEve · 11/10/2011 17:49

Does her work? Do you go to the gym during the daytime? How on earth does it bother him if that is the case?

DH plays squash for 2 hrs every weekday. It makes him happy, and fitter. Why would anyone begrudge you that?

Run for the hills, seriously

2rebecca · 11/10/2011 17:50

Agree he sounds controlling and a bit needy, I feel the same about women who move in with keen cyclists and start moaning that the bloke should now be spending less time on his bike and more with her because they are in " a relationship". Different if you have kids and one of you is always getting dumped with the kids whilst the other goes off. It sounds as though he was just pretending to be happy with your independence but really wants you to go into domestic servant and ego masseuse when you move in together.
I would talk to him about these issues and your feeeling that he is wanting to change you and you aren't happy about it before you move in. Discuss who is going to cook, clean, wash, hang out clothes, iron etc as well.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 11/10/2011 17:50

It will start with cutting it down to two days. Then to one day. Then do you really need to see your friends so much, then at all, after all, you've got me babe, why do you need anyone else. and then don't go to the gym at all, you're so beautiful just the way you are. then i love you just the way you are why do you want to look like that - it's for other men, isn't it...

I can just picture it.

It's not a chance I'd take, that's for sure.

Original poster
BartsShorts · 11/10/2011 17:51

He doesn't have any interests or hobbies. He occasionally goes to watch the rugby with a friend but it's rare. He keeps saying he wants to get fitter so I suggested he come to the gym with me - he makes excuses every time. We found a mutual activity in walking through countryside but that's not exactly something we can do 3 times a week and besides, I LIKE the gym. I suggested we go for a game of tennis or a swim together - each time he makes excuses.

We do do a lot of stuff together still but it seems to me that wants the "us" time to take over my "me" time and it's putting me off big time.

OP posts:
eaglewings · 11/10/2011 17:53

If you read it post fully its the amount of time as much as the frequency

As for a night out a month being fine, I was agreeing with OP, personally I'd want to go out with friends more often but that's not what she is asking

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