About to move in together and already he's trying to change my lifestyle

[BartsShorts]

Spent a lot of time thinking I needed a man to make me happy. Then after a really dreadful relationship I decided I needed to be happy BEFORE I got into a relationship so that's what I worked on. Fast forward a few years - I work full time (13 hour shifts, 3 days a week), use the gym 3 times a week and pursue my favourite sport/hobby once a week. I also go out with friends probably once a month or so. I became involved with someone around 18 months ago and he's always known about my lifestyle and was seemingly okay with it. However now we're about to move in together I feel he's testing the water with changing me. He's started saying it would make sense for me to cut my gym time down to twice a week - do I REALLY need to go out with friends every month and maybe I should take a break from my hobby so I can spend more time with him. His concern is that we'll never see each other. My argument is I work 40 hours a week, usually Monday to Wednesday - therefore I have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Say I spend a couple of hours at the gym Thursday, Saturday and Sunday - my hobby is only an hour and a half on a Friday night. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying I won't be changing my lifestyle and if he doesn't like it, he'll have to reconsider what he wants. or AIBU?

[PigletJohn]

We make a point of having 3 evenings a week together, in or out. Seems to work. Other times depends what happens.

[duvetdayplease]

Sorry, but I think the advice you got at the top of the thread is probably spot on.

Maybe he needs to go thru the process you went thru before he's ready for a relationship too?

[notlettingthefearshow]

I don't blame you for being wary. It is normal to have to adjust your routine when you move in together, but it should come quite naturally out of the desire to spend more time together or coordinate your plans.

I'm not sure whether he is controlling and/or needy, but I would question whether you are well matched, since you have very different ideas of being a couple. It's really important that you have enough in common to actually do things together. Do you feel your interests overlap enough?

I usually have 3 evenings out a week without DH, is that not about average? I don't mean long nights out, I mean activities that take a couple of hours like evening classes and yoga, sometimes the cinema. I am making the most of it before the baby is born!

[Rhinestone]

OP, serious questions -

1/ What is it about him that attracts you?

2/ Do you love him?

[PigletJohn]

Well it sounds like you don't want to move in with him so don't

But I am trying to grasp what the timings are.

13-hr shifts 3 times a week presumably means you won't see much of each other those 3 days.

3 x gym and 1 x hobby - are those during your days off, when he's at work, or are they in the evening when he might hope to see you?

I have a feeling that if a woman came on here saying her DP worked late 3 nights a week, spend 3 evenings down the pub, and footy on a Saturday, people might think he wasn't putting much time into the relationship.

[Grumpla]

Run for the hills!

Seriously.

[Gay40]

Red flag. Avoid.

[nomoreheels]

Presumably you were doing all these things while seeing him. Why does moving in together mean it has to change? Feels a bit "now that you're about to settle down..."

The fact that you have asked him to join you at the gym etc as he said he wanted to get fit, but he didn't join you, speaks volumes I think.

Don't get tied into something that will drag you down. Trust your instincts.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think seeing friends once a month is not very much, and for him to suggest you cut down on this is really odd.

On the gym thing -- well it depends when you go. If your gym/hobby is on Thurs and Fri nights and half the day on Sat and Sun, for example, then it's not totally unreasonable to think about when you would spend time together (given Mon-Wed are pretty much out as well).

But you haven't stated when you go, so that may be a moot point.

Ultimately, if you don't want to move in with him -- don't! Always listen to your instincts.

[skybluepearl]

alarm bells ringing. I think sport 3 or 4 times a week is good and healthy - i imagine it only takes about an hour or so each session. for me my sport keeps me saine. He sounds manipulative and controlling.

[elesbells]

I think you could spend at least ONE day a week with him...doing things together...

ok so you work monday to wednesday...then every other day is taken with your activities.

If you are going to move in together, I think you need to make a little adjustment to 'fit him in' as it were..

tbh, If you need to be asking you may not be ready to have him in your life full time?

[eaglewings]

Ella :)

[FrightNight]

And I would like to apologise for my lack of spelling, grammar and punctuation

[FrightNight]

Read the first sentence of your post again. When you've got the life you're happy with a relationship should compliment and enhance, not regress.

You've already anwered your own question.

[scottishmummy]

dont move in.dont acquiesce to his subtle controlling and bullying
if he can push it with these demands what next
and you need to really think do you want this or him

[SamMarie]

Everyone seems to be being a bit negative. Presumably you love this man very much if you are about to move in together. I don't think you should "run for the hills" as a lot of people are suggesting. You are both adults, just sit down and have a conversation about how you're feeling. He's not a mind reader. If you're not comfortable/able to talk about these sorts of things together, then maybe you're not ready to move in together. I don't think going out with friends once a month is at all unreasonable, nor going to the gym, but moving in together usually means compromises of some sort as you have to consider the other person. Also, consider what, if anything he's changing.

[KittyFane]

My DH is as boring as they get 'hobby' wise. He would happily stay at home all day every day listening to music and reading... Zzzz

But, we both do what we want, when we want- We are free to do our own thing and so is DD.

We go out as a family, on our own, me with DD, him with DD.

Never give up your independence.

[WilsonFrickett]

OK. I don't really like when an poster puts up an ABIU question and the majority of respondents say 'whoah, hang on there, leave him, what you doing with him OP', so I tend to steer clear. In this case, I will make an exception.

He has no life.
His life currently revolves around seeing you.
Even if he isn't controlling, he has a vision of a life together where all you do is work and stay in together. Is this your vision of your life OP?
At best he is slightly insecure homebody with a strange picture of what 'life together' will be. At worst he is a controlling manipulator. None of these seem particularly attractive to me, and it seems like they don't sound particularly attractive to you either. So, why are you moving in with him?

Can I ask what you guys do when you spend time together at the moment?

[2rebecca]

I couldn't live with a man without hobbies. I'm fairly active with lots of hobbies (all of which I am mediocre at) and people without hobbies have a tendency to want their partner to be their hobby and resent their other hobbies. My bloke is out doing one of his hobbies tonight and I enjoy both having some evenings without him and the fact that he is then enthusiastic about his stuff when he comes in and it gives us stuff to talk about. In the summer when he has less stuff on and mooches about the house all the time he drives me a bit mental.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

YANBU. If you went out with friends three or four times a week, pursued your hobby the other three or four nights and spent three hours at the gym every day then he may have had a point, but what you describe is not unreasonable AT ALL unless the hobby is stripping, in which case he may have a point

I agree with those who have told you to run, fast, in the opposite direction.

[EllaDee]

eagle - ah, sorry, I've re-read it now! I thought you meant one night instead of gym plus nights out and was a bit surprised!

[eaglewings]

Your second post op is more revealing.

Why are you with him? Does he make you happier than if you were on your own again?

[EllaDee]

Why do you like him? Honest question btw: unless there's something great about him, I wonder if perhaps it'd be better to delay moving in since you've hit this problem?

I am absolutely sure that if he is a good guy, he will respect you saying that. He may always be a homebody who never manages to go to the gym and that may work out fine - but only if he can accept that there's no reason you should change your habits to fit in with his.

[MooncupGoddess]

He sounds very dull OP, are you really sure he is what you want?

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

Run for the hills.. or at least DO NOT move in with him.

I've been married for donkey's years, have totally separate interests from my DH and not ONCE have either us ever asked each other NOT to do something we enjoyed for the sake of a few extra hours together. Not in the early days and not now.

At best he is out of line.. but I'd be inclined to see this as the first steps of someone who is going to try and change your life to suit his.. back away!