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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have spent the childrens savings on paying off the credit cards

104 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 10/10/2011 16:06

and leaving us virtually debt free?

We put a fair amount in the kids accounts monthly for when they are older. The money is for when they are 21 or 25, ideally not 18 as I dont want them let loose with loads of cash to fritter away on a pals trip to Ibiza or somesuch.

Anyway, Depression last year made me go out of control a little bit and I racked up the credit cards. I am on medication now and feel better about myself but have been left with 2 credit cards I was struggling to pay each month.

This way I've told myself I'm under no huge pressure to make repayments eachmonth paying them back, I've got plenty of time to pay them back whereas a credit card wont be so forgiving if I can't make the payment each month

I just feel so gulity using their money to do it though.

AIBU , have I done the right thing.

DP has been a bit quiet since I told him i'm doing this

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 10/10/2011 17:59

Also, at the risk of sounding alarmist, you ran up debts and obviously had scant care for the value of money when depressed (not having a go, I have had depression and know it can alter the way you view things), but you've just spent money that isn't really yours without discussing it with your DP. You've made a large financial decision rather flippantly it seems, and seems you're not all that fussed about how you're going to pay for it - rather like the way you ran up the debts in the first place.

Are you ok right now? Should your DP be seeing this as a warning sign you might need help again? Are you feeling out of control at all?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 10/10/2011 18:03

Paying off your credit card debts is the best thing for the whole family from a purely financial point of view. However, YABU for not discussing this with your DP especially if he is contributing to the children's savings as well as you. To take money from your kids is a pretty desperate act. Take that as a wake up call to never put yourself into such an awful financial position again.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:06

I too think you are wrong, sorry they are your debts not your childrens, they might choose to go to Uni and need the money when they are 18, by 25 they will be earning.

You should not have touched their money to appease your needs.

You could have got yourself a part time job and used the money from that to pay back the debts.

If you were my partner and had done that without consultation I would say you were out of order and could not be trusted.

tyler80 · 10/10/2011 18:08

My parents used my birthday money collected over a number of years to buy a freezer when I was about 6. I don't hold it against them, needs must.

Savings put aside for children at a later date is still your money rather than their money imo.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:10

She didnt buy a freezer did she? No she bought stuff for herself probably, depressed people are selfish I should know I was depressed for six years.

helpmenow · 10/10/2011 18:10

Go for it.

Do the DCs know have money put by for them?

Could you afford to put their child benefit into an account from now on?

TheOriginalFAB · 10/10/2011 18:14

It might seem like the sensible thing to do but are you really going to pay the money back and have the totals back to what they were plus the extra they would have if you carried on paying into the account.

My children have enough saved that would pay back all money we owe and we would have no debts/mortgage at all but it is their money, not mine.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 10/10/2011 18:14

Thanks for the replies Smile

I didnt realise I came across as flippant about paying the children back, Its just the pressure is off and I can take my time putting it back rather than face hefty monthly bills that ware stressing me out, so instead of paying off about £300.00 amonth I can pay them back half of that each month and pay over a longer amount of time.

I did fleetingly, sort of tell discuss it with DP , but now I've sat down and told him why I did it he seems ok with it. It was literally occupying my every thought everyday. It was my main worry. Now that's gone, it's literally a huge weight been lifted. Perhaps I should have sat down properly and dicussed it but It keeps me awake most nights.

I intend to pay EVERY last penny back, they don't need it for a few more years yet and I will pay a little extra on top. (for those that have asked I have borrowed 4K from the children )

Mentally I feel good, now this debt has gone I feel excited about the future with empty credit cards. I dont feel the need to spend spend spend like I did when I first became depressed, I wanted anything to feel happy and spending for those hours and giving the gifts to the children or buying things for the home made me feel great for a few hours then I felt down again. I'm now thankfully on medication and realise what I did was silly and vow never to do it again

Thanks for not completley laying into me Smile

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:16

Maybe you feel excited because you feel you can spend again? THat is what a lot of spenders do just rack the debt up again.

Your children need the cash at 18 not 21 or 25, they should be able to live a little before they have to knuckle down to work.

They might even go to Uni.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 10/10/2011 18:17

I can see why you feel this is the best thing OP.

And you say you intend to pay back what you have spent.

How are you going to do that? Do you have a standing order into their account? Are you going to up the payment from that, until you have replaced the amount you took? For example, doubling £10 per month to £20, £10 of which is what would have been going in anyway and £10 pays back what you took?

I think my only big issue would be if the accounts held money that had been given to the children by other people. LO's normal account has money from us and the money he was given when he was born and at Christmas and birthdays etc. I don't know how the people who gave it to him might feel if we spent it now, even with the intentions of paying him back in the end.

I'm glad that you are feeling better now and if doing this helps you to continue to feel better then the children will be seeing a benefit too. It's not the ideal thing, and you should have discussed it with your DH, but it's not the end of the world as long as you try to stay debt free, keep talking things through and do your best to pay it back. Good luck.

worraliberty · 10/10/2011 18:17

Mentally I feel good, now this debt has gone I feel excited about the future with empty credit cards

Alarm bells are ringing here OP

Why not cut the 'empty' credit cards up? Or at least your one and allow your DP to keep his for emergencies?

I do wish these things were called 'DEBT' cards because that's exactly what they are.

troisgarcons · 10/10/2011 18:22

No, perfectly sensible. You can always replace what you 'borrowed' - and its interest free!

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 18:22

Now op CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS and don't have more.

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 18:25

Everytime you are tempted to get the credit card out, remember The money you spend is not yours as a gift, its borrowed and you have to pay that plus interest!

LydiaWickham · 10/10/2011 18:26

Why do you have credit cards at all now? If you have cleared them, close the accounts. If your DP has one then if you have a family emergancy (like a broken boiler etc) he can put it on his, but then you won't have the temptation there. You need to limit your ability to damage your family if you sink to that place again.

Something you need to keep in mind - you still have this debt - expect now you owe your DCs not the bank. It's not gone, just who your creditors are has. It matters more if you default on this because you'll be stealing from your children, not a faceless shareholder in a bank. Keep the repayments as close to £300 a month as physically possible, don't half them because it 'doesn't matter'. You shouldn't feel mentally good about this, because you shouldn't feel like the problem has gone, it's not gone, it's just relocated.

Big, big alarm bells.

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 18:29

good idea lydia cut up the cards, close the account, and have a family credit card used for emergencies that your dh looks after.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 10/10/2011 18:32

tbh, His credit card is equal if not more that what mine are .

He has been on a basic wage for a few months and struggled financially where he too had been off sick with depression.

OP posts:
PrincessTamTam · 10/10/2011 18:34

Worra - sorry! I did not mean to say you were jumping on her Blush, just that some of the YABU posts were coming over a bit judgey of her spending behaviour without taking into account her depression.

OP - It sounds like you have sorted it out in your head which is great and the best thing for the whole family, and you've talked it through with your DP. But I must agree that cutting up the CCs is a MUST or the chances are you will be tempted again. Good luck. [simle]

PrincessTamTam · 10/10/2011 18:35

obv Smile not [simle] !!!

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 18:39

I am not having a go just trying to offer some practical solutions. I have had depression and a bad spending problem (no loans or credit cards though), so know a bit where your coming from. But will have have credit cards or loans as i know i will not be able to pay them back, I am just forever poor. Good thing dh manages the household budget and bills as we would be up shit creak without a paddle.

PrincessTamTam · 10/10/2011 18:41

For the record I do think you should try to pay back the money, but ultimately it is yours and your DPs money and not your children's. Yes, that is what you intended it for, but in hard times things change and it will benefit them now if you pay off these debts and don't rack up vast interest on a CC possibly ending in disaster. All these posts saying you are stealing from your children are wrong imo - it would only be stealing if it had come from someone else, but you have repeatedly stated it did not. Just mho.

LaWeasel · 10/10/2011 18:46

a) You ARE still in debt. It's just to your kids not the bank.

b) You MUST cut up the credit cards. Some people can't cope with them - there's no shame in that, just mark yourself down in that column and never get any again.

controversial but my honest advice c) If you have any joint financial access with your DP I would seperate it in half so you have much more limited financial access. If you do get in to debt again the consequences won't be as bad this way.

The problem you have that other people don't with credit is that if your MH slips you will get in debt much much more quickly and you are very unlikely to have the inclination or will power to stop until something comes to a head. You need to protect yourself and your family against this happening in the future.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:48

Its not his childrens money that pays off his debt is it?

Why haven't you cancelled the cards? You have been asked.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 10/10/2011 18:52

I have chopped one of them up. The other one has a very low credit limit £500.00 . for me to use at M&S online or Tesco online as they don't take Visa Debit online which is what I have or for dire emergencies , DP's one is full, although he is in control of that

I have set up DD 's so the money starts coming out next month

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/10/2011 18:53

Its thanks to my mum and dad's frugal saving for me that I was able to buy a house. Though the money technically is yours, its earmarked for your kids, so you have to think of it that way, if you are tempted again you will be stealing from your kids future. Good thing dh manages our dd future savings and not me though Grin as i am useless with money.