Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to let facebook know that my "D" H used a prostitute while I'm pregnant

97 replies

GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:05

I dont know this for fact yet, but just logged into his email as registered with something in his name as I already have an account in mine. I find that he has taken out a payday loan for just over £500 without telling me. Knowing that I have £500 if it is needed.
So I checked his browsing history on his internet. He has searched for escorts in our area recently. And this weekend he popped out for something that should have taken a few hours and came back 6 hours later, blaming public transport.

He is in work, I text him what I've found out and he said hes "sorry" about the loan, but being the only earner (I'm a SAHM) he panicked when he wasnt paid properly last month.
Re the escort, he said he was just stupid and that he only searched it.
Being pregnant, and with a small child, sex is practically non-existant. But it was with DC1 too, not sure what he expected.

Dont want to drip feed, so will mention that we had issues very early in our relationship, but long before marriage and kids.

I'm not going to tell the world until I'm sure, but its damn tempting!

OP posts:

SnapesMistress · 10/10/2011 19:30

Even if he has not visited a call girl he has still lied and breached your trust, don't let him wiggle out of that one if it turns out he is telling the truth about the prostitute.

aldiwhore · 10/10/2011 19:34

I do think that he's not being open, or honest... but before I say 'leave the bastard' I'd certainly try and see what's on his mind. It could be him feeling under pressure, another baby on the way, main earner/only earner... even if it was partly his choice, sometimes its perfectly valid to feel utterly stressed, without it being a dig at you.

Maybe he's feeling out of control of things in general? Its worth talking about, before you chop his bollocks off and serve THEM for tea. x

fatlazymummy · 10/10/2011 19:42

He's not going to admit to visiting a prostitute, whether he has or not. He has too much to lose and will admit to as little as possible.
I agree with the poster who said you need to stay as calm as possible and get as much evidence as you can.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 19:50

For a 'high class' escort for 2 hours in Bristol it's £350. (one agency that had prices without too much digging)

SardineJam · 10/10/2011 19:52

DP has a bad credit history and is unable to get an overdraft or 'proper' loan. He was ill quite a bit, earlier this year and got paid a lot less than usual. I take home approximately £600 more than him on a monthly basis and easily meet any financial obligations. DP is very traditional in that he thinks the man should provide etc etc, he took out a pay day loan to boost his salary one month to meet obligations, and didn't tell me because of pride. I did find out and was really angry too that he did not come to me to say he was struggling financially. I really dont think that your DP is turning things around to make you feel guilty for being a SAHM, but perhaps he genuinely is struggling [for whatever reason, whether he has undisclosed debts or seeing prostitutes or whatever] but at the end of the day he'll want to make sure he can support his family financially. You both need to sit down and have a serious chat about things

Uppity · 10/10/2011 19:53

Lassylass are you scottishmummy's twin sister, by any chance?

What a disgusting thing to post on a parenting site, to a pregnant, distressed woman who may have discovered that her husband has visited a prostitute - that the solution is not to be a SAHM.

The fact that anyone needs to grind their anti-SAHM axe on a thread like this, shows how far removed from normal standards they are. You must have bloody big issues.

ThereGoesTheFear · 10/10/2011 20:11

Uppity I was just thinking the same thing. Hope you get some answers tonight OP.

Xales · 10/10/2011 20:23

He may be completely open and tell you the truth.

He may lie through his teeth to you.

You may never know.

Please go to an STI clinic and get yourself checked over for your own peace of mind

Good luck for tonight.

Original poster

GoingToBeSick · 11/10/2011 10:31

Thanks to everyone with some obvious exceptions! for yesterday. I'm only going to post one message then change back to my normal name and go away (I'm a bit scatty and will forget otherwise and post under my normal name here)

We had a long chat last night. I believe (well, lets say 99% anyway, but I imagine being hormonal and paranoid about our sex life can account for the 1%) that he didnt visit a prostitute. As I wrote earlier, even if I believed he could do it to me, he is besotted with DC1 and wouldnt put unborn DC at risk.

I'm still very annoyed about the money. Don't think for a second that all is forgiven in this house!! But it is something we can work on, and will. Looking at it in detail, it was a smaller loan first time, then he took out two new payday loans (so he had three loans in total, three months running) to pay it off, hence why it was over £500. That is not good, I know, and I'm not happy about it. But it means less money needs to be accounted for IYSWIM?
I now have full access to his account. He is cancelling a few things to give us a little extra money, and has signed up for more overtime. Once the money is square again in his account, we'll set up the joint account (I dont want joint accounts while his money is fucked!)
I'll then keep track of all the bills the same as I do with my account so he wont need a payday loan.

Re the £120 over two days, he can account for some of it, he went out with some friends (when he remembered, I remembered him telling me at the time). Not sure about the rest, but know how easy it is to overspend so again, not too concerned now theres a reason.

Hope I've covered everything. I know some people probably think I'm being naive, and I really hope they are wrong and that he'll prove it in time.
Trying so hard not to put any "he's a good man" type cliches in my post...

Thanks again :)

OP posts:

lolaflores · 11/10/2011 10:46

good woman. put it down to experience. nicely played alls well that ends well as some fella said once. Keep doing the breathing.

Icelollycraving · 11/10/2011 11:37

Glad all has worked out. Good luck with your pregnancy!

MeconiumHappens · 11/10/2011 13:10

I think it prob was more a macho bit of poor money handling than anything to do with prostitutes. Difficult not to jump to conclusions in the heat of the moment but i think it sounds like youve sorted things, hope youre feeling better today x

Lilyloo · 11/10/2011 14:42

So glad you worked it out Also good news you taking over the payday loan thing. Shows how easily it happens slipping into borrowing more each month to pay them back whilst they load interest. Hope he stays well away from them in future.

sand12 · 11/10/2011 16:08

I'm soo glad you have sorted this out good luck with your pregnancy and don't let him get payloans again imagine if he had been getting them for a year or two before you found out. good luck for your's family future

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 11/10/2011 18:00

Glad you've got it sorted. Keep a close eye on the finances from now on. And the internet history - it probably was just looking but there shouldn't be any more looking. Ever.

WilsonFrickett · 11/10/2011 18:04

Glad you sorted it out. I know that one payday loan can lead to another very, very quickly so I don't doubt that part of the story at all. But keep an eye on your browser history, won't you OP? Good luck with your pg.

OhdearNigel · 12/10/2011 10:21

Unless you want to end your marriage in a most humiliating way then I suggest you step away from facebook.

It would be extremely undignified to air your dirty linen in such a public way, particularly as you have no actual hard evidence to say he has taken out a loan for a hooker. All you have is circumstantial and you could be barking up the wrong tree.

OhdearNigel · 12/10/2011 10:31

"It would cost him £500 at least to go with an escort so if he can account for the money he hasnt been with one"

Ha ha ! Yeah, in Chelsea maybe. I had a case recently with a dispute over some escorts - and they were charging £350 for 3 of them - from a "decent" Brighton firm. The first thing I thought was that he would have had a lot leftover from £500

OhdearNigel · 12/10/2011 10:35

Also, if you looked on my google history you would see an interesting selection of searches relating to a gay "sauna" in Brighton. Doesn't mean I'm wanting to use it - was just curious having passed it on the street then more questions were raised when I looked at it (don't google "glory hole cabin" if you don't want a shock)

lassylass · 12/10/2011 11:23

"Lassylass are you scottishmummy's twin sister, by any chance?"

Perhaps. Is an inability to suffer the inane posts of morons hereditory?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/10/2011 11:28

*herediatry"
I'm only a pedant with twattish posts. HTH

lassylass · 12/10/2011 11:35

FFS I googled it too.

Flip

1 2 3 4