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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let facebook know that my "D" H used a prostitute while I'm pregnant

97 replies

GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:05

I dont know this for fact yet, but just logged into his email as registered with something in his name as I already have an account in mine. I find that he has taken out a payday loan for just over £500 without telling me. Knowing that I have £500 if it is needed.
So I checked his browsing history on his internet. He has searched for escorts in our area recently. And this weekend he popped out for something that should have taken a few hours and came back 6 hours later, blaming public transport.

He is in work, I text him what I've found out and he said hes "sorry" Hmm about the loan, but being the only earner (I'm a SAHM) he panicked when he wasnt paid properly last month.
Re the escort, he said he was just stupid and that he only searched it.
Being pregnant, and with a small child, sex is practically non-existant. But it was with DC1 too, not sure what he expected.

Dont want to drip feed, so will mention that we had issues very early in our relationship, but long before marriage and kids.

I'm not going to tell the world until I'm sure, but its damn tempting! Angry

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 10/10/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:47

Stay calm for your sake, save the rage for another time. Just get as much sense out of him as he is willing to give. Write down everything and ask him for evidence of where the money went to, what account it came out of. Check his payslips to see if they add up to the shortfalls that he claims there are, times and dates of escort browsing. There will be a paper trail of some description which he will find hard to explain away

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:47

Mal yes his normal wages cover the bills, plus he gives me a certain amount towards paying off my credit cards etc.
I think i need to ask him for his internet banking log in. he doesnt get statements.

IF we survive this (and right now, its a big if) I think I'm going to have to take charge of all the money.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:48

Does he have a credit card? Can you see his bank statements? Highlight the £150 that came out of your account if he feigns no knowledge of it. Pin him to the fucking floor with facts!

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:50

I have his overtime shifts in my diary. I'm going to have to check what he did against what pay he has, in case its actually time hes been AWOL.

Right. Stay calm and rational...
My blood pressure doesnt feel very calm and rational!

OP posts:
lolaflores · 10/10/2011 16:51

Don,t get upset. Walk him through the facts. Don't be fannied about by "but I love you my dear, it was only .,,,,". Don't take it personally for the time being, at this minute you need cold hard facts. If you get angry he can disappear under the smoke screen.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 10/10/2011 16:58

Facebook never helps any situation.

SGM gave good advice. The whole 'however distant' stuff is weasel-like as is the stuff about 'do you know how hard it is?' You offered the money.

Stay as calm as possible and get all the information you can before you do anything/make any major decisions. I'd also look for any evidence of credit cards you don't know of and check all your bank accounts. Make sure there are no financial problems you don't know about - going straight for a pay day loan seems very odd.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:58

He rang again. I asked what he wanted, he said to talk. I said I'm not interested unless he has something in particular to say. He asked if he got his text, I said yes, but that it was predictable and i had nothing to say to it (ie, either its true, or a load of obvious lies)
He is sending his bank log in.

DC is screaming and clinging to me although did calm down after I got upset, is just being very clingy now. I feel like I cant breathe.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 10/10/2011 17:02

How many weeks preg are you?

lolaflores · 10/10/2011 17:04

breathe in for 10 hold for 10 out for 10. take back control. you are the one who needs answers. sit on the floor with DC, get out anything to distract like a book or a toy. Take your mind off it too for a little bit and allow you to regain your balance

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 17:08

Second trimester. Dont want to out myself by giving too much detail.

I cant calm DC down. Cartoons on, loads of toys out, just wont stop screaming! :(

OP posts:
MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 10/10/2011 17:09

Take a minute or too and go and stand outside - DVD on or take DC too if necessary. Take some slow deep breaths. When you've done that get yourself a sweet drink and sit down to deal with this.

Whatever has happened you will deal with it. You're obviously a lot stronger than you think because you stopped being visibly upset, you haven't posted it on Facebook and you've not told him to fuck off or started throwing his stuff out a window.

SmethWitchBelle · 10/10/2011 17:15

My alarm would be going off to be honest, searching for escorts plus being inexplicably late plus the money plus without telling you ... plus you allude to his previous form which isn't going to help...

With all the rest of it his being angry when challenged and then accusing you of not understanding the pressure he's under sounds more like "gaslighting" than an honest defence.

I agree do not put anything on facebook, you'll regret it. Hope it is nothing and it blows over. You're right to be suspicious, let it go if needs be but don't be made to feel mad or bad for thinking it.

susiedaisy · 10/10/2011 17:17

try to stay calm and don't put yourself under too much stress, I know thats easier said than done feel Sad for you, when is your husband going to be home can anyone have your dc whilst you try to sort this out?

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 17:29

Crying from DC is now just shouting of "ahh, ahh, ahh". H wont be home til about 8, and DC will be in bed near enough then too.

Checked his account...
Plus side - large sums of money havent gone missing from his account, so escort hopefully looks less likely.
Down side - he has had a few loans, this isnt the first! seems hes been overspending on treats (lots of payments to amazon and ebay), so am still very mad, but hopefully its something that can be fixed...

OP posts:
Kick2down · 10/10/2011 17:30

Does he have previous with either prostitutes or gambling? Because you seem very willing to believe he's up to no good, which is very clear-headed of you, but also suggests you have reason to be suspicious beyond the immediate payday loan and escort search.

Kick2down · 10/10/2011 17:32

Is it a joint account? Do you have money in accounts he can't access?

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 10/10/2011 17:35

I'm glad it's looking unlikely that he actually did it.

I'd get a notebook - or use eg excel - and go through his accounts and add up his spending on 'treats'. Also any cash he's been taking out and any payment you can't identify. Do monthly totals.

Whatever's going on the spending on things for himself and looking for escorts is deeply selfish and something he needs to account for.

electra · 10/10/2011 17:42

There are far too many of these threads on MN lately.

Problem is, what if he paid for the escort with cash, which he may well have done so that the company doesn't show up on his bank statement?

electra · 10/10/2011 17:43

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest they shouldn't be posted. I am just sad at how many poor mners are having trouble with cheating husbands.

lassylass · 10/10/2011 17:44

His money - within reason he can decide how to spend the excess once bills are paid at the end of the day. SAHM is a luxury, not a right. You want to call the financial shots, you need to earn the money.

Payday loans are a suckers game though - so find out why he needs them.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 17:48

No previous with prostitutes or gambling. He has lied about money before (lent a family member money without telling me and also hid previous debt early on in our relationship) so I know he can be a bit stupid and put other people first. But then I was earning too and DC wasnt born, so it was less of my concern IYSWIM (though I was still damn annoyed, not that he did it, but that he lied!)

Its his account and I have my own. Been meaning to set up a joint one for wages and bills since we married but not got round to it yet!

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 17:50

lassylass your post made me laugh for the first time in a few hours. I assume it was a joke because surely noone would think its acceptable for a H to spend his excess money on a prostitute? Especially if you actually read the thread and see that it isnt "excess" money, hence the loan?

OP posts:
Malificence · 10/10/2011 17:52

Lassy, it's not HIS money at all, it's the family's money.
Op's input to the family is of equal importance to her H's wages.

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 17:53

Nobody within a marriage should be calling the financial shots, regardless of who is or isn't in paid employment. Being a stay at home mum does not deprive you of your rights. If you are a partnership it is joint money that you are jointly responsible for.
Of course, because she is looking after the kids at home, he can borrow money at extortionate rates and spend it on prostitutes? Are you serious?