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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let facebook know that my "D" H used a prostitute while I'm pregnant

97 replies

GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 16:05

I dont know this for fact yet, but just logged into his email as registered with something in his name as I already have an account in mine. I find that he has taken out a payday loan for just over £500 without telling me. Knowing that I have £500 if it is needed.
So I checked his browsing history on his internet. He has searched for escorts in our area recently. And this weekend he popped out for something that should have taken a few hours and came back 6 hours later, blaming public transport.

He is in work, I text him what I've found out and he said hes "sorry" Hmm about the loan, but being the only earner (I'm a SAHM) he panicked when he wasnt paid properly last month.
Re the escort, he said he was just stupid and that he only searched it.
Being pregnant, and with a small child, sex is practically non-existant. But it was with DC1 too, not sure what he expected.

Dont want to drip feed, so will mention that we had issues very early in our relationship, but long before marriage and kids.

I'm not going to tell the world until I'm sure, but its damn tempting! Angry

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 10/10/2011 17:59

Do not put anything on facebook. You can never take it back even if you delete. People will have seen it and they won't forget it.

And whenever people do this it makes a bad situation worse. Trust me, I've been seeing the statuses from two friends who are divorcing for months now and none of it has helped.

You will regret it, even if your suspicions are true.

FWIW, I would say it doesn't sound like he used an escort. To me it sounds like he is borrowing from Peter to pay Paul and is in some sort of financial mess he has tried to keep from you.

His errand at the weekend might have included a trip to the bank or something, that he was hoping you wouldn't find out about.

If he is keen to prove to you that he hasn't been with an escort then he's going to have to be completely honest with you.

If this really is about a financial mess, and there is nothing worse than taking out loans to pay of loans, especially if you are going down the dodgy payday loan route, then there will be a paper trail he can show you that justifies where all the money has gone.

He will be able to show you where the £500 went and where the rest has gone too. There will be bills and bank statements and loan agreement paperwork and receipts and accounts on websites etc.

Whatever he has to say though, best not to broadcast it on Facebook. It can only muddy the waters and make things much harder to resolve, whatever way you want that to be.

Talking things through together, and perhaps talking in person to a trusted friend, is always going to be better in the long run than posting an angry or upset status so all your friends can call him a bastard. It really won't make you feel any better, especially if this is something you can work through and stay together.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:02

He cleary has debts you don't know about that he has to pay,and to be honest Im not sure how you can knock him for buying things when he works and everybody is entitled to get something back from working, it is just how much he is spending.

He needs to come clean about any additional debts so that the household income i.e his earnings can pay these debts.

You need to know where the £500 has gone so it can be accounted for.

With regards his internet history he is just a fool, you should also be addressing his needs with regards your pregnancy you might not feel like it but to make him feel wanted once in a while with other sexual activities would not be too hard.

If he can account for the money then I feel you have no problems to address other than his hidden debts and how hurt you feel he even searched for local escort ladies.

It would cost him £500 at least to go with an escort so if he can account for the money he hasnt been with one.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 18:06

Fabby as you're so interested, he had a blow job on friday and we attempted sex a few days before that. i have prolapse issues from DC that are worse with pregnancy, so it wasnt a successful attempt, but i finished him off by hand.

I am aware that he bought a few DVDs and had no problem with this. It wasnt a secret. But I was not aware that he had a series of payday loans to do so.

Btw
He withdrew £120 over two days and says he cant remember what he spent it on. While I was away visiting family.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 18:07

He needs spending money, work out a budget for him if he over spends.

BimboNo5 · 10/10/2011 18:08

Oh ffs Fabby you are like some 1920's woman- service the man so he doesn't stray Hmm ffs

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 18:09

it's no wonder there are debts if he can spend £120 in two days and have nothing to show for it. Either he is being dishonest about what he is spending it on or he is totally irresponsible with your family's money. Neither option is particularly great.

Whatever is going on in your sex life, prostitutes are never acceptable, and no, it wouldn't cost at least 500, especially if it wasn't full sex.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 18:10

We've never done "spending money" we've always managed to spend no more than we can afford without setting a budget. If we cant afford something, we dont have it.
I see it may be the way forward though.

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 10/10/2011 18:15

fabbychic you can 'hire' an escort for a lot less than £500.

post · 10/10/2011 18:17

I think the 'going rate' is nothing like £500, fabby. As if, as IF, less sex with his wife because she's PREGNANT could ever be a justification for buying another woman.
So, so sorry you're going through this, op. Sad

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 18:22

We're having The Big Talk when he gets home. I will make sure that I get the truth regarding a possible OW or prostitute (no reason to suspect OW btw, just saying it in case). I will tell him that even if he doesnt give a shit about me, his unborn child will need me to have an STI test. There is no question of how much he loves DC, so hopefully this will make him tell me if anything happened.

Unless he did it in my previous pregnancy too and can say "well DC is fine" (am overthinking this now I think...)

OP posts:
oldraver · 10/10/2011 18:23

What are these 'treats' he is spending money on ie are they genuine and wouldn't you of known about them ? Can you check just waht he has supposedly bought to see if its genuine purchases ?

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 18:24

He bought DVDs and bits, I knew he'd bought them. Didnt know he couldnt afford them though!

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 10/10/2011 18:27

£120 would easily cover a visit to a prostitute, I've just had a look at the statistics on punternet and £128 is the average cost and that's with some expensive ones pushing up the average.

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 18:27

DVDs to the value of 120 pounds when you have had to take out a payday loan to pay for them is financially irresponsible. He could have got the dvds next month after he had been paid.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 18:28

DVDs on top of the £120 Kat ...

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 18:36

He might be telling the truth about not visiting prostitutes, but he certainly hasn't been open and honest with you about the family finances. See if he can explain himself and come to an agreement with you about managing money like a sensible parent. Remain suspicious about his internet activity and keep an eye on any suspicious behaviour.

Wormshuffler · 10/10/2011 18:55

Trying to look from a different angle here ... Could he be squireling the money away for something? Could he be gambling?

sand12 · 10/10/2011 18:56

Where I used to work there was a brothel at the bottom of the street some of the lads from work (builders) paid a few visits it cost from £10 upwards so it doesn't cost a fortune I really feel 4 u Please keep calm and let him do the talking.

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 19:01

He'll be home in about half an hour. We have no tea done, I've been sick quite a few times and cant even think about food. So I'm sure he'll whinge about that which means we'll be off to a promising start.

DC just woke up from nap so not going to bed any time soon. So discussion will remain very calm or else.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 10/10/2011 19:06

Hope you are OK.

Good luck.

sand12 · 10/10/2011 19:06

He shouldn't be coming home whinging about his tea somthing has been going on which he has kept from you whatever it is if he whinged about his tea 2 me he would be wearing it!!!

aldiwhore · 10/10/2011 19:17

Do you think it may have been temptation that he didn't follow through with because I don't know, maybe he loves you?

Maybe he took major steps towards cheating/paying for sex (they are both cheating but for me, there are differences that I won't go into here which are dependant on my mood!) but didn't go through with it.

Is a suicide still a suicide if you don't step off the bridge? The thought process is the same. Is it cheating if you don't do it? The thought process alone is not a crime, nor is the preparation... though its not NICE and you need to talk things through with him IF he made those steps towards cheating, if he didn't go through with it, I think that's forgiveable, and possibly understandable.

You really mustn't see every mention of money as a dig though. I'm a SAHM and its very very easy to get defensive. When my DH is utterly stressed with the pressure of finding new work/getting a decent cash flow (self employed, we're feast or famine) I have learned NOT to see that as a dig at me... only because we agreed very early on that if we were to have a dig at each other, we'd say so rather than use stealth digs.

aldiwhore · 10/10/2011 19:20

Oh and I withdrew £100 today, and I've no idea where its all gone, few things here, few things there... doesn't happen often though, but I am not sure I could account for every penny, and I certainly wouldn't be very happy if I was asked to account for every penny (unless it was a habit or left us short).

Original poster
GoingToBeSick · 10/10/2011 19:21

aldi thats a good point, I hadnt thought of if he'd been thinking of doing it and not gone through with it, in my head he either did it, or didnt IYSWIM :)
I will raise that, when he gets home.

OP posts:
MizK · 10/10/2011 19:28

OP I do feel for you, something obviously isnt right - a payday loan is such a desperate measure that it seems really suspicious. I hope that he is telling you the truth. But in my experience, a liar will wriggle and wriggle even if they know they are caught out, you just have to go on your instinct.
On anither note, whoever felt it appropriate to ask OP if she is satisfying her DH - as if that is any justification for DH using prostitutes! And FWIW many men who use them have perfectly happy relationships and active sex lives at home - maybe, just maybe, it isn't the wife/girlfriends fault if the husband pays for extramarital sex with strangers?
Good luck OP and I hope you manage to sort everything out.