Can't someone just be odd?

[lesley33]

I read on this forum and hear other mums, assuming that if someone is a bit different they must have SN or MH problems. Sometimes people are just a bit odd or eccentric. So AIBU to think that some people can be odd or eccentric and not have SN or MH issues?

I love people being eccentric or odd-why have everyone the same?

It is a fascinating thread in that I have been jumped on elsewhere for saying that I would try and get my DCs to fit in with their peers, just to have an easy happy life with friends. The answer was that DCs can be as different as they like and they should be able to be popular and not bullied.
We then get that if you are different you must be SN or have MH issues.
I have pointed out that in RL people do get bullied, MN being one of the worst places for it, if you don't follow the norm and dare to have a different view-no one has replied to that one.

I am therefore interested-do the majority think 'oddness' is to be celebrated or is it a handicap?

I agreed with you on a similar thread exoticfruits. I too am interested in the answers to your question

Exotic I think there is a difference between people who CHOOSE to express themselves differently and people who have no choice but to.

People should have the freedom of expression and should be free to do this without fear of persecution. But those of us who try to fit in but cant may need a bit of help. Needing help is nothing to be ashamed of

It is a tricky one, everyone has the right to be as odd as they want and DCs should be themselves and no forced to conform.
However I think they have a much easier ride if they conform and I want my DCs to have the easy ride. I got jumped on for this-'how dare I say that DCs should conform?'

But in RL (whether you agree or not) they won't get the friends if they are conceived as odd-as proved by the Canadian couple who let their DC wear dresses-the girls didn't want to play with the 'boy-girl'. People on here often bemoan they have no friends-they haven't learned to get on with people with small talk etc-all skills.

I find MN terrible for bullying-I had an email from someone I stood up for who was having a hard time and upset. I have had support from people by email when I have had a hard time. There are certain opinions you are not allowed to hold!
These are adult women-insisting you conform to their 'group' and yet they expect their DCs to have no problems at all in the playground.

I think it is to be celebrated, but I don't think it is so I would rather that my DCs were not seen as odd.(and I am a bit fussy about the ways people might see me as odd).

I was in trouble for suggesting that you give DCs a bit of help to fit in. I 'depressed' people.

But Lesley - you're talking about opinions of random onlookers then?

In which case you might think someone's a bit odd, someone else thinks they might have an SN - how would you ever know who's right?

Without a specific example, you're basically complaining about people having a different opinion to you about what SNs or MH issues present like?

Conforming is the easy route and most people would prefer their DC's to take the easy route. However, sometimes you just cant make a circle into a square. The language you use, saying you try to force your DC's to conform, is what puts me off. For me it would be like my mum saying that being me isnt good enough, she would only be happy if I was someone else. Surely its about what makes the dc happy, not the parent???

I think there is a danger when people see somebody who is different from them and they then assume that there is something wrong with that person. The implication being that the wrong person needs fixing. I would prefer it if everybody's perspectives could be flexible enough to allow accept that people are different and we don't all conform to a single pattern.

However, that flexibility of outlook should include being able to acknowledge that someone's differences may be due to sn/mh/medical issues and to be ready to respond appropriately.

Oddness is to be celebrated, looking at situations and problems from an entirely difference perspective creates the space for great art and great science. Where would evolution be without differences?

I remember being in primary school and everyone in the playground was working out dance routines. Trying to help me fit in she watched a video of Paula Abdul at the royal variety performance over and over again and wrote down the whole dance routine so I could impress the other girls. It was a lovely and warm hearted thing to do. In the end me knowing the moves and the other girls insisting theirs was the right way to do it frustrated me to the point that I could no longer play....

Of course people who fit in have an easier time.

In terms of whether we encourage DC to fit in I think it depends. If it is changing superfacial things I think thats fine e.g. wearing more trendy clothes. If it is a more fundamental part of their personality I think this is a recipe for making them very unhappy.

For example, gay DC encouraged to be straight, girly boys encouraged to be more typical boys, etc. I saw the latter with dad constantly trying to get his DD into football, rough and tumble, etc. He ended up as a very depressed teenager who felt that his dad didn't love him as he was.

I agree DC who are different are more likely to be bullied. But if something is a fundamental part of who they are, I don't think we can really change it. All we do is encourage DC to suppress or try to suppress part of themselves.

tab - I think piprabbit says it better than I did. There is not necessarily something wrong with being odd or different and it doesn't always need to be fixed.

But most SNs aren't about being broken and needing fixed - it's all about recognizing that there is a difference.

If you've got a boy who prefers traditionally female pasttimes, forcing them to conform to some masculine stereotype is just the same as ignoring an SN and forcing them to conform instead of diagnosing it and treating a child differently because of it.

Labels should be positive, a way of describing something so that other people and the person themselves understand that there is a difference and that that's ok.

My DS has much less problems now that he has a diagnosis, he's happier knowing what's going on with him, he can tell other people why he does certain things and he's at the point where he'll type in exams, but requires no significant support other than that in school.

As for people who try to ascribe differences to SNs where they don't have any, I don't know, I've never met any... I'd assume though that it's about people liking to have reasons for things, people always seem to like to know why things happen, but that's the same with everything.

'I agree DC who are different are more likely to be bullied. But if something is a fundamental part of who they are, I don't think we can really change it. All we do is encourage DC to suppress or try to suppress part of themselves'
Absolutely

But that accomodation often invovles interbvention to allow them to max their potential within who theya re: sadly perhaps, the way things are run that necessitates a dx / label / filling in 300 forms about what is 'wrong' with your child (nad not one about what is right, hmm).

DS1 if stressed will start coassack dancing in his classroom, or screaming out about how much he loves pugs. it's not the end of the world but getting the aplcement that can manage an appropriate education alongside the support has taken 7 yeras of fights now. There is no access to his base without a DX. If I had taken the no label option he could not be there.