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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? Neighbour sewing cushion covers for us...

95 replies

Dorris83 · 09/10/2011 16:05

Our neighbour is a widow in her late 80s. She is a really lovely lady who is always friendly and everyone loves her.

As she doesnt have transport, or family very close by, we do little jobs for her. We will pick up things from the shops for her (which she always reimberses us for), my DH always mows her lawn when he does ours, and once he painted all of the base of her house when he did ours.

In return, she always takes in packages for us, and also makes little treats like cake and biscuits which she brings around.

But she has always said that she doesnt like to be a pest, and doesnt like asking for things. She has been saying for a long time that she wants to do something for us.

We have said 'no no no, we dont mind at all' and 'call yus anytime you need us' but she kept insisting she wanted to do something for us.

We know she does a lot of sewing (which she charges for) and we wanted some new cushions for the living room. So we asked her if she could make them for us- which she was thrilled to agree to.

We supplied all the materials, including thread, material, zips and a picture of what we are after and asked her to make us 4.

She had a lot of jobs from other people so it has been about 8 weeks since she took all the material and agreed to make them.

She brought them round today- they look amazing- really professional. We said 'thank you so much they are fantastic, we love them' and my DH said 'are you sure we can't give you anything for them?' to which she replied 'well it's up to you isn't it?'

So now we dont know what to do! I was planning to get her a thank you card and some flowers, then continue as normal. But now we think we should probably give her some cash... but how much?

The materials have already cost us about £30. They are lovely cushions, the type that would cost about £25 each...

Should we stick £30 into a thank you card, or more? or less?

I just dont know, and we dont want to upset her. But equally, we werent expecting to pay her for them, as she wanted to do something for us!

advice please...

OP posts:
SugarPasteLadybird · 09/10/2011 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 09/10/2011 17:14

"We definitely positioned asking her as 'as you keep saying you want to do something for us- could you make us some cushions?' to which she said yes she was very pleased to..."

Still doesn´t mean that she doesn´t want paying, though.

Incroyable · 09/10/2011 17:18

"incroyable do you think that we would be able to say that if we did give her cash for them? Or would we start the whole 'I want to do something for you' cycle again?!"

You do run the risk of starting the whole cycle again!

Also, as previously mentioned, if you put cash in the card, you may insult her by over or under paying.

Like Booooooyhoo's suggestion..

Original poster
Dorris83 · 09/10/2011 17:20

diddl that's true but we never had that conversation with her!
dont know what to do - DH has just said ' this is why you don't mix money and friends' too true...

OP posts:
Iggly · 09/10/2011 17:20

Well as you asked like that, then I'd still not pay.

If you do pay, you risk offending by assuming "mates rates".

What did your DH say after she said "it's up to you"???

longjane · 09/10/2011 17:22

I would take the bull by the horns and ask her how much she charges for making cushions and then pay what she says.

She is out of pocket as she use time she could have been paid for to make your cushions.

Original poster
Dorris83 · 09/10/2011 17:23

Iggly thank goodness for the dog- he barged in and took all attention from the conversation by licking her hand.
DH and I just looked at each other in panic, then said 'thank you they are fantastic' repeatedly
to be fair - we didn't have any cash in the house, so we couldn't really do anything about it just then

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2011 17:26

I think that the "well it´s up to you" shows that she expected to be paid.

Otherwise why not just say "oh no, you´ve done so much".

So I agree, ask her how much she wants.

LydiaWickham · 09/10/2011 17:28

I think option 3 is the best bet.

Original poster
Dorris83 · 09/10/2011 17:30

ok I don't fancy it, but the best way is probably going to be to ask...
I might make DH do it (she likes him best :-))
I'll let you know what we settle on- thanks for the advice everyone

OP posts:
Panda1234 · 09/10/2011 17:35

If you do her shopping sometimes then it seems a bit pointless to give her money so she can give it to you to go to the shops to get her stuff!

Why don't you just get her a luxury hamper of the sort of food you know she likes to buy? That means that you're not actually paying her per se, but you're still getting her things she likes that are more use to her than flowers. And it saves you a trip to the shops, too!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/10/2011 17:38

Oh don't ask.... she's already put the ball back in your DH's court by asking him how much he thinks? She's clearly embarrassed but it's obvious from what you've posted that she needs the money.

Pay up this time - how about £50, which (plus the £30 you spent on materials) still leaves you with a big discount from what a shop would charge?

I'd also give her flowers/plant as an 'appreciation' and next time you ask her to do something involving her skill, fix a price beforehand and insist on it - keep favours separate entirely.

2rebecca · 09/10/2011 17:39

Agree your husband should have kept quiet. I'd go for flowers and a card, different if she hadn't been going on at you to find some way for her to repay you for your jobs. Yes she put time into the sewing but you put time into the shopping and mowing.

Llanarth · 09/10/2011 17:55

could you buy her a really nice homeware type gift instead? we had a similar situation when some friends handed down all their baby items to us (over a period of a few years). Each time we thanked them effusively, sent a card etc but on the last occasion, my DH (yes, another one here!) said 'we can't take all this without paying you', expecting full well for them to insist that no payment was expected, as usual, and they said 'well, we'll leave it up to you'. which threw us somewhat. Rather than send a cheque (and how do you value second hand items - we probably saved ourselves several hundreds over the year by not buying new, but the actual 'value' to them is lower, as most would have ended up in a charity shop) we settled on buying a really nice handmade bowl (cost £100), and I think they were pleased (they display it anyway!!).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/10/2011 17:59

The neighbour needs the money, Llanarth from what the OP has posted. I would have thought it would be a no-brainer myself, she's making a big saving from buying them in the shop. Confused

WinnieMac · 09/10/2011 17:59

Oh dear. I fear the deal wasn't clear at the outset. I think that if you know she charges for sewing and you specifically commissioned some cushion covers (which is what it looks like, even if it's not what you intended), you have to pay for them. After that, I'd carry on being neighbourly as you were before (as it's a case of mis-communication rather than anyone being unreasonable), but don't ask her for any more really quite big favours in return.

Catslikehats · 09/10/2011 18:51

£50 for making four cushions. Seriously???

I'm not much of a seamstress but how long can it take to make a cushion?

AnnoyingOrange · 09/10/2011 19:02

She's a hard-up lady in her eighties

Give her £40 in a card and some flowers

jade80 · 09/10/2011 19:15

I think if she is as lovely as you descibe, she would probably be quite upset to know you are worrying about it so much!

I like the suggestion above to go shopping for the sort of things you know she likes, plus a pot plant/flowers and a lovely card maybe? I'd go for about £40 worth myself.

If not I think my second option would be to ask in a low key way how much she would normally charge for the cushions if it wasn't for you. Mutter something about them being so lovely and you really have NO idea how much you should be paying, not something you've bought recently etc. If she will tell you, then give her that amount. I'm guessing from how you describe her she would probably give some/all back.

greengoose · 09/10/2011 19:17

Hi, Dont know if it helps, but the going rate for this sort of work would be about £5 per cushion, I sew some vintage stuff, and if I was to get it made up for me by a seamstress it would be even less, they would do 4 cushions for £10! My Mum (80) still takes some sewing sometimes and she would expect about £5 per cushion, unless very big or fancy.
I dont know who she takes in work from, but if she gets more than £5 per cushion, Id be surprised!

People can be a bit defensive of their income when they are asked to do what they do to make money as a favor... I think it just gets confusing for people. If she is tight on money, and you can do it, Id give her £20 and some flowers. Thats fair, really it is. She wouldnt charge a friend more than that anyway. I think she probably just got a bit confused by the question, but this would settle it, and help her out. I wouldnt feel bad about it, you sound like you have a good relationship that she obviously values, dont let it bother you!

greengoose · 09/10/2011 19:21

Just to be clear in addition to above, it takes about 20mins to make up an envelope closing cushion, and at the most 30mins to make up one with a zip. These times are generous!

SnapesMistress · 09/10/2011 19:23

I think giving money would be tacky but I also think flowers and a card is not enough. I would give the flowers and a card but also some nice wine/selection of chutneys/nice gin or something you know she likes and is a bit pricey.

Curiousmama · 09/10/2011 19:31

Glad you decided to ask her how much. Then you aren't left wondering?

DeWe · 09/10/2011 20:08

As someone who does a certain amount of sewing, people come to me and ask for stuff to be done. If I wanted to charge, I'd give them a fee at the beginning. I have charged for some things (wedding dresses and curtains sometimes) Usually when it's friends a bunch of flowers would be more than I'd expect, I'm happy to do it as long as I don't have to supply material.

happyAvocado · 09/10/2011 20:14

I would ask around how much another person who is making them in your area would charge and pay that much
Bitter lesson, but as we all know - best to keep money and friends separate :(