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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my OH is a lazy shit?

77 replies

themightyskim · 08/10/2011 09:51

for the scene setting me and my OH both work full time, I can leave my job and come home at the end of the day, he however often has an hour or two of work in an evening

He has a daughter who is 4, we have two dogs, one is a large breed and Im pregnant

so...... I do all the cleaning, I cook for him and my SD, I get her stuff washed and ironed and ready for school, I get her bathed and ready for bed, I do all the shopping. The big dog sheds so much hair I have to brush and mop every day and he slobbers so I have to clean that up several times a day too - OH only has to soak the dog food ready for the next day and clean the yard after the dogs

Hes totally stopped doing these jobs and its pissing me off to the max, I feel like im doing everything around this house, I mention it, we argue a bit and he might if Im super lucky clean the yard up, do that nights dishes and put a load of washing in, then the next day im back to square one

AIBU to think that if we live together he should muck in with the jobs or am I being a big hormonal bitch?

OP posts:
Original poster
themightyskim · 08/10/2011 11:50

gumball I really do agree with that and im not saying that theres not a problem now when there is just not the ex situation thats something Im confident about defending him on because I know what the crack is

He is being mean though and I do plan on telling him as well as getting something sorted, what made me post though was that I ranted about something with family the other week and was told that it was hormones, Im just making sure that im not being unreasonable, strength of feeling on this would suggest not even if my OH has somehow morphed in to a monster in the last hour Hmm

OP posts:
GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 11:53

It's not hormones....my DH is a lazy eejit too bu when I was pregnant he picked up almost all of the housework as I was working too and it was too much for me...he cooked, cleaned and generally looked after me.

Your DH should be doing that too....at least later on he should....even early in pregnancy we can feel weaker or sicker or more tired....I KNOW its not an illness....but imo a good man will want to take extra care of you and shoulder the work in the home.

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 11:54

See when I moan to my Mum that DH has slacked on the housework she says "Oh he's a fella...they're all like that."

Older generations are more likely to forgive....or blame hormones.

balia · 08/10/2011 12:00

If it is genuinely a very short-term problem, then you'd need to rule out things like illness, depression, money worries that he feels he can't share with you because of your condition etc.

However, your OP seemed to be saying that his USUAL contribution to the work of the house was pitiful (soaking dog food and cleaning yard) and that he had stopped even that.

You need fair split established whilst you are still working - because once you go on maternity leave he isn't going to lift a finger ever again.

DH and I split the work by task - he does the washing, I do cooking, he changes beds and cleans floors & bathrooms, I do shopping (eg food) hoovering, dusting & tidying. Bigger jobs we muck in together and we take on a bit more if the other is super busy at work, poorly etc. We split bedtime and childcare - he tends to do driving (so taxi service and activities) I do crafts and in house activities etc.

We had to sit and work it out because when I was on maternity leave I went through a kind of blissful housewife doing it all earth mother phase and we just got into that pattern. When I had to go back to work we sat down, each wrote down all the household tasks and who generally did them, and DH (and the kids) opted in to equalise things again.

Original poster
themightyskim · 08/10/2011 12:00

Thank you - thats the bit Im in the mood for sorting as well, sorry while its on a new page I cant recall the poster who asked what problems my pregnancy is causing OH, please be reasonable about that Ive had a big bleed and ive been a panicked mess for the last few weeks, its taking his toll on both of us this is a much wanted baby and we are both terrified of loosing it - unfortunately his way of coping seems to be burying his head at the moment

OH used to cook and sort the dogs out I used to clean, SD was a reasonably shared thing probably with him doing more not less up until recently when she started school, im in the house more at the moment so Ive been doing more, thats the problem with a grumble on here I can only give a snap shot and next time I wil make bloody sure I give a years background too lol

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 12:18

I am sorry about your pg problems.That happened to me and I was delivered early.

What I would say though, is that my DH took on all of the domestic shitwork so that I could rest. He didn't sit back and watch me carry on, thinking "not my problem"

You are actually making your OH sound worse not better, with every post you make. Sad

scottishmummy · 08/10/2011 12:29

your pg related health scare is reason why he should be doing more
not doing less
youre side stepping and excusing his poor behaviour
yes you have both had a health scare,so the solution is to pull together -not leave you to clean up dog shite

Grumpla · 08/10/2011 12:36

Absolutely.

If you've had a big bleed, I BET your doctors told you to take it easy, didn't they? That means OH stepping up and doing most if not all of the housework. It does NOT mean you working full time AND doing all the housework. If he genuinely doesn't have the time to do the majority of the housework whilst you are pregnant, he should be arranging and paying for cleaners / launderette etc to take the pressure off you.

Are you prepared to put your partner's selfishness above the life of your baby?

Scorpette · 08/10/2011 12:42

So you've had a serious bleed and he thinks the way to deal with it is to not only let you continue doing more than him, but to add to your burden by dropping the pitiful amount he did previously? Not exactly 'Doctor's Orders', is it? Angry

You both work full-time, you should be doing everything 50-50, regardless of the hours. For all you know, he 'has' to do work in the evening because he dosses at home in the day when he should be working then. Even if he doesn't, it's tough shit on him; he needs to pull his weight. You've created a rod for your own back by letting that be used as an excuse to do hardly anything around the house. And WTF is up with you doing virtually everything for his DD? It's lovely that you're so caring, but if you're the one who does nearly everything for her, it just means that the poor girl has two birth parents who can't be bothered to put the effort in.

You say it's only been the last month when he's become a lazy git, but from the outside, it looks like he's always been taking the piss but has only recently given up trying to pretend he wasn't. If he hasn't got the respect to pull his weight and, not just that, but put you first whilst you need it right now, you are going to be in hell when the baby arrives.

Am another one who is Hmm about the Ex being the lazy one, BUT if it's true, it would appear that he's determined never to let it happen again and is deliberately not helping to prove a point to himself. Whatever the reasons, he's being an arsehole and you need to put a stop to it, sharpish. Have you actually asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to do so little and for you to pick up the slack when you're pg and have suffered a bleed?

cory · 08/10/2011 12:45

When I had health scares and bleeds (in both pregnancies) dh took that as a reason to take on my share of the housework so I could rest.

OP, it is perfectly possible that this new streak of laziness has just emerged: some men do start showing undesirable tendencies during their wives' pregnancies, possibly because of nerves.

But it is not a situation that you can afford to tolerate on the basis that it's going to be passing and short term. Having a newborn baby in the house, particularly as there is already a 4yo, will bring new stresses and he must be made to face up to his responsibilities.

scottishmummy · 08/10/2011 12:47

im agahst any man leaves pg partner to do all domestic and childcare after a serious pg health scare. any decent and would ensure you're rested,looked after and domestic stuff sorted.either by him undertaking it or a cleaner for as long as required

his is not the behaviour of an empathic,kind father to be
if i were you id be worried about long term with this man

Scorpette · 08/10/2011 12:49

PS I had a hellish pg and had multiple serious problems throughout. My DP worked 45+ hours a week, did all the housework and, at times, had to feed me, dress me, help me on and off the toilet and so on (severe SPD and carpal tunnel syndrome due to crazy levels of oedema) and he never once complained. He's not some sort of saint - that's how an adult who sees his partner as his equal behaves.

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 12:55

sm I totally agree

am completely aghast that OP is defending this man

nickelbabe · 08/10/2011 13:04

I'm pretty damn sure that if I'd had a scare in my pg, my DH would put me on settee and TV duty, and not let me lift a finger!

In fact, it's practically like that as it is, and my pg has been relatively easy.

ShroudOfHamsters · 08/10/2011 13:07

Wow, you've had a big bleed and he ISN'T making you sit down, rest, taking the pressure off you by taking on the dogs and the housework?

He can actually sleep at night knowing that his pregnant partner, who has just had a scare, is carrying all the shopping and mopping the floor after the dogs, every day? That is DISGUSTING.

OP, your partner is a selfish shit. 'It's taking its toll on both of us...we're terrified of losing it' -? Sorry, no, he doesn't sound as if that describes him very well. At all. Your fabulous man is one who puts his own lazy rest time above possible risks to your baby.

Wow, we really need a sick face emoticon, don't we?

Show the lazy shitbag this thread, OP.

pugmill · 08/10/2011 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 13:14

I disagree, pugmill

I believe that stupid mummies boys are actually bad people. They do bad things. Why call it anything else ?

Original poster
themightyskim · 08/10/2011 13:16

pugmill you hit the nail on the head!

Ive shown him this thread, I am as good as my word, once he got over being called a bad parent he has sat down and discussed things with me and agreed hes being a tosser. He has also agreed that he could and should and will do more, I can only see how this goes and kick my heels if it doesnt improve.

Thanks for all your feedback, I know some of you feel that Im wrong and I sure as hell feel some of your are wrong but thats the nature of the AIBU thread sometimes its hard when your typing in a pissed off and slightly manic state to share what you should and make it sound like reality so no flouncing from me, just advice taken and a thanks for your time

Im off to do absolutely nothing while OH mops the floors for the first time in months Grin (and if I had one a little punch the air with joy emoticon)

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 13:22

All the best, TMS, with your pregnancy and making sure your OH doesn't take the piss again (and contribute to your risky pg)

Original poster
themightyskim · 08/10/2011 13:28

Ive just nearly asked what TMS meant ha ha baby brain strikes again Hmm

OP posts:
notabankersmum · 08/10/2011 14:01

Yama just about sums up my thoughts, so I'm going to re-post it, if anyone's skipped to the later replies:

It really saddens and worries me that in 2011 there are still so many woman accepting partnerships like this. This means that another generation of parents are bringing up children in a home where it is okay that the father has no respect for the mother.

You should pay a visit to the Relationship forums, Yama. My eyes have been well and truly opened in the last few weeks. Since arriving on MN and lurking for quite a while I've started to appreciate DH a lot more, because men who treat their partners with respect, and take their fair share (not as a favour, not begrudged) of the housework are still a rare breed, it seems.

I actually find threads like these quite upsetting because of the amount of normalising that goes on - the subtle language with regards to "helping me do XYZ" or "asking him to do XYZ", and so on. It's subtle, but it's there.

GumballCharm · 08/10/2011 14:05

If you feel buzzy and stressed then you need to do something SITTING DOWN! Try crosstitch.....my hyper friend got into it and it really helped her sit still.

Take care.

rimmer08 · 08/10/2011 14:36

no you are not BU for thinking your DP is a lazy shit, because he is. I am very surprised that he did not order you to take it easy after the bleed, what would happen if you took it easy regardless of whether he 'agrred' to pull his weight? you may have to be blunt with him :) hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

havinhoops1974 · 08/10/2011 14:59

I'd be having SERIOUS words you should really be dealing with any pets i.e fuyr, mess etc during a pregnancy if you explain how unhygenic it is during preg, he may sort himself out a bit.

NorfolkBroad · 08/10/2011 16:24

I hope you can get it sorted op, it is always stressful when you are juggling loads of things. I think every couple has disagreements like this from time to time and its not just men who are lazy, I am gay and have always been the most crap at housework in my relationship! Happy to tell you though that I have changed alot in the past couple of years and am a much more organised/considerate partner! Hope your talk with your DP goes well.