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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go with DH to hospital with my sick 11 month old.

91 replies

DontTellAnyonebut · 07/10/2011 14:25

There is a concert tonight, i have to be there to collect the tix and there are 7 people relying on me.

DS had croup treatment two nights ago but now has a temp of 103. He has had two bad episodes already this year 1 an RSV induced bronciolitis and 2 week stay in hospital a couple of months ago. Anyway, i've sent an inept DH to the hospital with him as DS is refusing all drinks etc and is very sleepy/ floppy. His breathing is shallow and has mild recession.

I feel terrible, have i judged it right or should i just call all and cancel their concert and follow DH?

OP posts:
larks35 · 07/10/2011 23:02

YANBU or at least not neglectful, but (and I ain't precious) if it were my child I'd be in there with him, regardless of the eptitude of my DP.

Trills · 07/10/2011 23:10

I'm assuming that because you bought the tickets you have to turn up in person with photo ID (to prevent you selling them on).

If I were one of your friends I wouldn't necessarily expect you to stay, but I'd be pretty disappointed if you didn't come and collect the tickets, given that your DD is with her dad, not in critical condition, and being looked after by medical professionals.

Roseflower · 08/10/2011 00:58

Personally I would want us to all go as a family to the hospital. Your child sounds quite unwell. I couldnt relax if I didn't go.

4madboys · 08/10/2011 08:52

roseflower thats all well and good IF you only have one child, when you have more than one it often isnt possible, i am not sure the staff at a&e would appreciate it if you turn up as a whole family when you have a number of children, you will be taking up space in the waiting room and if its late at night i would hazard a guess and say the children would be better off at home in bed! they arent going to enjoy hanging around at the hospital and they dont need to be there.

i had to take all of mine earlier this year when ds3 swallowed a magnet, dp was at work and couldnt get home, i had to get a taxi to and from the hospital and keep 5 kids entertained, including a baby and a toddler, it was a complete pita tbh and i wouldnt do that again if i didnt have to, so yes i send dp on his OWN with child to the hospital, its the easiest solution, esp as bay wouldnt settle for sleep with dp anyway, if it was the baby needing to go to hospital then it would prob be me that went and dp would stay home with the other four, purely because dd is a bit clingy and mummy focused at the moment. but if for some reason i couldnt go, the dp would take her and she would be fine with her father, who is an equal parent!

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 08/10/2011 10:00

Its horrible taking siblings to the hosptial. You have to concentrate on the poorly child and they others get bored and restless. They end up getting told off when its not their fault. Makes it far more stressful all round.

Roseflower · 08/10/2011 11:23

When I said family l meant my husband and l based on only having one child which l assumed was the op case.

Of course not going for good reasons such as other family is a whole different story

4madboys · 08/10/2011 13:06

well thats fine for you, but the op has had something which has obviously been booked for a while and there really is no need for her to let her friends down, she would be perfectly ok to go to the hospital if she wants to or to continue on with her origional plans. the child has a parent with it and there is no NEED for a 'family visit' to a&e.

Roseflower · 08/10/2011 13:13

I take a totally opposite stance.

Trills · 08/10/2011 13:17

The stance that it is OK to let down 7 other people? When your child is not critically ill and is with their father (not an absent father, but a resident co-parent)?

Not just OK, but the correct thing to do?

Right.

Remind me not to let you book or plan or be responsible for anything.

lunaticow · 08/10/2011 13:19

Child is so ill it needs to go to hospital as an emergency? I would want to be with my child in that situation and I would arrange for someone else to collect tickets.

diddl · 08/10/2011 13:22

There´s a compromise though-go to hospital for as long as possible, leave to collect tickets, return to hospital.

It doesn´t have to be all or nothing?

If OP has the CC or some proof of purchase necessary, perhaps a friend a#can collect that from the hospital?

Much as the child here is top priority, I´d hate to let so many people down tbh.

ChippingIn · 08/10/2011 13:22

Well if you are happy to do that, then it's up to you. I guess it's the 'practical' option. I just cannot imagine choosing to let a DC go to the hospital without me - but we are all different and you know what, that's OK.

Trills · 08/10/2011 13:24

It can't be arranged. The choice is you go and collect them (and then go to the hospital after) or no-one gets to go, all of their money-for-tickets and money-for-babysitters and swapping-shifts-at-work and rearranging-other-plans goes to waste.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 13:30

OP had said that it was possible to collect the tickets, drop them off at a friends and then go to the hospital, which would have been the best plan.

Booking a child in and standing back whilst the doctor works out what to do can take hours, she would be best turning up when her DH needs a break, if only to go toi the toilet, otherwise you both end up exhausted, hospitals drain you.

The child has croup, this (but i hope not) may be one of many hospital runs over winter, but you still have to fit in life, meanwhile.

The OP sounds quite relaxed and taking it in her stride, which is what her DS needs.

chaosisawayoflife · 08/10/2011 13:37

It's entirely your decision but personally I couldn't not be there if my child was going to hospital at that age. I had to be practically held down to stop me from going to a&e with dd1 age 3 when she had a fairly minor burn. It was 36 hours after I'd given birth to dd2 and dh and em took dd1 in. I was distraught at not being there. Imho there are times when small dcs need their mums.

cory · 08/10/2011 13:41

Ime there are also times when small dcs need their dads.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 13:54

To add; there are also times when mums need to take care of other areas of their lives, so as long as the needs of the DC's are met (as should anyone make sure of this with responcibility for a child, not just mum); primary carer or a good alternative, present and qualified medical staff, then arriving later is fine.

Otherwise we will have go right back to not employing/giving responsibility to a mum with a child under a certain age.

activate · 08/10/2011 13:59

notabankersmum

dads ARE less important - dads have a different relationship to mums - so it has always been so it will always be

but they can cope - they can be there - they can rise to the occasion

but yes in a 2 parent family dads are less important

Sirzy · 08/10/2011 14:01

I couldnt enjoy a concert of anything else knowing my child was in hospital. I gave away tickets for something when ds was in hospital last year. Going didn't even cross my mind.

However, in the case of op if she had responsibility for collecting the tickets then going to get them, giving to a friend then going to the hopsital seems the best option.

Hope he is ok, ds has had a lot of chest problems so I know how scary it is!

fedupofnamechanging · 08/10/2011 14:08

Personally, I couldn't rest knowing that my child was in the hospital and I wasn't there. My dh would feel exactly the same. We know that the other parent would be perfectly able to cope, and would do all the right things, but we would both want to be there. Children can deteriorate suddenly or they might want to cuddle whichever parent isn't there.

I think there is a difference between one parent staying at home because they have no child care for other siblings and staying home because you 'need' to pick up concert tickets.

proudfoot · 08/10/2011 14:08

Some people's attitudes here are mind boggling - "in a 2 parent family, dads are less important" Shock Confused What an awful thing to think.

notabankersmum · 08/10/2011 14:13

but yes in a 2 parent family dads are less important

With all due respect, perhaps your DCs/you see your husband as less "important" in terms of parenting, but it's not a view I share.

Frankly, I think that's a really sad, sad statement to make, and says more about your DH's role in raising children than anything else. I feel sorry for you, and for your DCs, if such an attitude is considered acceptable in your household.

My children need loving parents, both of us, we are all equally important, and have things equally valid to teach them as they run their course in life.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/10/2011 14:14

I think it is relevant to the child who is the most important parent. DS2 is a real mummy's boy, dd is a daddy's girl and ds1 is equal. I normally do all the hospital/doctor trips as I am with the children more but dh always offers to come to the hospital if I need him too.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 14:14

"in a 2 parent family dads are less important"

That is because of social conditioning. When dads are as hands on as mum, they are as important, it is only because mums have been put into the role of the main (and sometimes the only) carer, so a child in times of stress wants its carer.

If the DS will settle with dad than there is no reason why mum has to be there all of the time, it only matters because obviously you want the child to be as calm as possible, otherwise that would put its temperature up even more.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 14:16

I know of a little girl who comes from a loving home but when she is ill she wants her GF with her. Mothers have been fooled into thinking this way for to long and it hasn't done society, as a whole any good.

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